My story. Looking for support and suggestions

[Guest guest]

Well, I am gonna be long-winded here just to give you all a picture

or where I am at and what go me here, so forgive me.

Ten years ago right after I had gotten out of the army I had a

massive panic attack. I didn't know what it was. I finally went to a

doctor at my college and he said they were panic attacks and he gave

me Ativan.

Since then I have been on Ativan at about 3-4 mg a day. It worked

well for my anxiety with little or no side effects, at least none

that were detectable to my warped view of reality. Well, during this

time I did a lot of good things. I became a elementary school

teacher here in LA and did very well at it. Unfortunately, while I

was doing good things professionally, I was letting my personal

life descend into a very bad place. I didn't know I was an alcoholic

until recently. The last two years had seen my drinking go from just

weekend nights, to all day on the weekends, to missing some work due

to drinking. Anyways, it all culminated last November when I showed

up to work drunk. The poor kids. I can't imagine what they were

thinking when I was stumbling around the classroom. Well, I got sent

home and went on a five day bender from hell. At the end of it my

parents showed up at my door and insisted I check into a clinic for

my problem.

When I checked into the clinic I told them the meds I was on. They

told me I could no longer take Ativan because it is addictive. I had

no idea what kind of hell I was in for. I was in the clinic for 5

weeks going through this cold turkey withdrawal. I have come to find

out now in retrospect how stupid and dangerous that was. Well,

needless to say, it was a nightmare beyond words.

WHile I was in the clinic they kept trying different drugs to quell

the withdrawals. First, Nuerontin, then Topomax, then Lamictal, then

Topomax again, then depakote. Well, they didn't make things easier

and may have made them worse. I know part of it was to avoid

seizures. Three weeks in the anxiety was not alleviating at all and

I was so dizzy and I was having horrid racing thoughts. They gave me

Seroquel and that helped me sleep, but I couldn't take it during the

day. Therefore, they gave me zyprexa and started me on celexa. So

five weeks after I checked in I had a scrip for depakote 750mg a

day, zyprexa 10 mg a day, and celexa 20mg a day.

A month out of the hospital I felt relatively OK compared to the

hell I was in. Two months out though I started to really notice that

I was always fogged up mentally, very detached, had horrid racing

thoughts still, and was just very scared.

I then started to see a psychiatrist. He switched the Celexa 20 mg

to Lexapro 10mg. For three months after that he fiddled with the

dosages to little avail. I still felt horrible. There was a knawing

feeling in me that I was embarking on an endless journey of med

dosing and switching that would end either in my commitment, death,

or general despair and hopelessness. I knew I had to change this

cycle.

So I see a doctor who is a family friend. He is a very accomplished

oncologist and I know this isn't his field, but he is my friend and

has been a big help to me through the years. He decided it was best

for me to get off the psychotropics. Each time I tried to even lower

the Zyprexa I would get so sick that I couldn't continue. Well, he

suggested that we go back on the Ativan to help me off all of these

drugs and then eventually way down the line go through a much slower

and prudent taper of Ativan.

Well, I went from 750 to 500 to 250 on the depakote in a little over

two weeks with little to no withdrawals. With zyprexa it was

different. I went from 10mg to 5 for a week and then off. For the

first 4 or 5 days I felt nauseous, dizzy, and flulike. It slowly

started to subside, but on day 9 or 10 I got so sick that I

literally thought I was dying. That went away in a couple of days

and I slowly got over it over about a week. Now it was on to the

Lexapro.

My friend/doctor, God bless him, is helping me, but I know he knows

little to nothing about these drugs and specifically how to get off

them. He had me go from 10 to 5 on the Lex and then off. Well, that

jump was enough to give me the nausea, dizziness, and flulike

symptoms. I have never had the zaps that I have read about so much,

but I do get very quick feelings of lightheadedness from time to

time that seem to pass pretty quickly as well.

I decided to slow down. I went from 10 to 5 and stayed there for a

couple of weeks. I then started shaving off parts of the 5 mg for

the next couple of weeks until I was down to about 2 mg. I then went

totally off. That was seven weeks ago. For the first three weeks I

was having the usual nausea, dizziness, and flulike symptoms. In the

fourth week I noticed these starting to abate and became encouraged.

Then in week 5 I became an emotional wreck. I cried everyday and

wondered if this was ever going to end and if my brain had been

permanently damaged. During this time I was isolating myself more

and more. In retrospect, I see how harmful that was.

In week 6 I decided to start being more proactive. I started going

back to my AA meetings. That was a help emotionally. I also started

to really try to tap into God for strength. I tried SAM-e, but it

made me feel weird and I stopped. Then out of nowhere the feelings

of sickness, nausea, flulike, and dizziness came back in full force.

At the end of week 6 I decided I needed to be even more proactive. I

was and am determined to beat this. I started exercising.

In week 7 now I have been exercising just about every day. Even if I

feel like hell I get up on my bike. Well, it has had a good effect

on my physical state. Now all I have is a little fogginess and

dizziness. Once again, I was encouraged. However, tonight the fear

kicked in again and I slumped into a pool of tears. I know it has to

be withdrawals because I never have felt anything like this before.

That is where I am at today. I am very scared. I do obsess

constantly about whether this will ever end or if I have been

permanently damaged. I am trying hard to let God guide me here and I

am trying to be good about the exercise. My diet has also improved

and is more balanced. For supplements I take a multi-vitamin, a b

complex, fish oil(about 4 x 1000mg a day), Vitamin E(400 a day), and

Gingko Biloba.

Complicating all of this of course is that I am in my first year of

sobriety and that has it own challenges. Nevertheless, I hope these

are withdrawals and that they will cease. The physical side effects

are one thing, but when I get overly emotional and frightened like I

did tonight, well, that is terrifying and I don't know what to make

of it.

Some other notes on me. I am 35, stand 6'3 " , and weigh 240(was 210

before the ADs and APs). I have blood pressure and atrial fibrulation

(from all the drinking) issues. I take Cardizem 240mg and Atenolol

100mg every day. I also have been about 4 mg a day of Ativan. I do

plan on going off the Ativan once I get this well behind me and I

feel stong enough to do it. THis has been 10 months of pure hell and

I just want it to stop.

Any suggestions, ideas, support, or plans on alleviating this would

be much appreciated.

By the way, my teaching credential was revoked. COnsequently, my

days are pretty open. I am very angry about not only the treatment I

got at the clinic, but what these drugs have done to me. However

this shakes out, I do intend on shedding light on this issue in some

form or another. I have a writing background and my brother is a

filmmaker and we are discussing some ideas. Anyways, thanks again

and sorry for being so long-winded.

[Guest guest]

---My heart goes out to you, I truly understand your pain and

anguish, we all do.

Stay with God, never loose that faith He will keep you strong.

Sending you lots of love and hugs my friend

In Withdrawal_and_Recovery , " mcpark99_2000 "

<mcpark99_2000@y...> wrote:

> Well, I am gonna be long-winded here just to give you all a

picture

> or where I am at and what go me here, so forgive me.

>

> Ten years ago right after I had gotten out of the army I had a

> massive panic attack. I didn't know what it was. I finally went to

a

> doctor at my college and he said they were panic attacks and he

gave

> me Ativan.

>

> Since then I have been on Ativan at about 3-4 mg a day. It worked

> well for my anxiety with little or no side effects, at least none

> that were detectable to my warped view of reality. Well, during

this

> time I did a lot of good things. I became a elementary school

> teacher here in LA and did very well at it. Unfortunately, while I

> was doing good things professionally, I was letting my personal

> life descend into a very bad place. I didn't know I was an

alcoholic

> until recently. The last two years had seen my drinking go from

just

> weekend nights, to all day on the weekends, to missing some work

due

> to drinking. Anyways, it all culminated last November when I

showed

> up to work drunk. The poor kids. I can't imagine what they were

> thinking when I was stumbling around the classroom. Well, I got

sent

> home and went on a five day bender from hell. At the end of it my

> parents showed up at my door and insisted I check into a clinic

for

> my problem.

>

> When I checked into the clinic I told them the meds I was on. They

> told me I could no longer take Ativan because it is addictive. I

had

> no idea what kind of hell I was in for. I was in the clinic for 5

> weeks going through this cold turkey withdrawal. I have come to

find

> out now in retrospect how stupid and dangerous that was. Well,

> needless to say, it was a nightmare beyond words.

>

> WHile I was in the clinic they kept trying different drugs to

quell

> the withdrawals. First, Nuerontin, then Topomax, then Lamictal,

then

> Topomax again, then depakote. Well, they didn't make things easier

> and may have made them worse. I know part of it was to avoid

> seizures. Three weeks in the anxiety was not alleviating at all

and

> I was so dizzy and I was having horrid racing thoughts. They gave

me

> Seroquel and that helped me sleep, but I couldn't take it during

the

> day. Therefore, they gave me zyprexa and started me on celexa. So

> five weeks after I checked in I had a scrip for depakote 750mg a

> day, zyprexa 10 mg a day, and celexa 20mg a day.

>

> A month out of the hospital I felt relatively OK compared to the

> hell I was in. Two months out though I started to really notice

that

> I was always fogged up mentally, very detached, had horrid racing

> thoughts still, and was just very scared.

>

> I then started to see a psychiatrist. He switched the Celexa 20 mg

> to Lexapro 10mg. For three months after that he fiddled with the

> dosages to little avail. I still felt horrible. There was a

knawing

> feeling in me that I was embarking on an endless journey of med

> dosing and switching that would end either in my commitment,

death,

> or general despair and hopelessness. I knew I had to change this

> cycle.

>

> So I see a doctor who is a family friend. He is a very

accomplished

> oncologist and I know this isn't his field, but he is my friend

and

> has been a big help to me through the years. He decided it was

best

> for me to get off the psychotropics. Each time I tried to even

lower

> the Zyprexa I would get so sick that I couldn't continue. Well, he

> suggested that we go back on the Ativan to help me off all of

these

> drugs and then eventually way down the line go through a much

slower

> and prudent taper of Ativan.

>

> Well, I went from 750 to 500 to 250 on the depakote in a little

over

> two weeks with little to no withdrawals. With zyprexa it was

> different. I went from 10mg to 5 for a week and then off. For the

> first 4 or 5 days I felt nauseous, dizzy, and flulike. It slowly

> started to subside, but on day 9 or 10 I got so sick that I

> literally thought I was dying. That went away in a couple of days

> and I slowly got over it over about a week. Now it was on to the

> Lexapro.

>

> My friend/doctor, God bless him, is helping me, but I know he

knows

> little to nothing about these drugs and specifically how to get

off

> them. He had me go from 10 to 5 on the Lex and then off. Well,

that

> jump was enough to give me the nausea, dizziness, and flulike

> symptoms. I have never had the zaps that I have read about so

much,

> but I do get very quick feelings of lightheadedness from time to

> time that seem to pass pretty quickly as well.

>

> I decided to slow down. I went from 10 to 5 and stayed there for a

> couple of weeks. I then started shaving off parts of the 5 mg for

> the next couple of weeks until I was down to about 2 mg. I then

went

> totally off. That was seven weeks ago. For the first three weeks I

> was having the usual nausea, dizziness, and flulike symptoms. In

the

> fourth week I noticed these starting to abate and became

encouraged.

> Then in week 5 I became an emotional wreck. I cried everyday and

> wondered if this was ever going to end and if my brain had been

> permanently damaged. During this time I was isolating myself more

> and more. In retrospect, I see how harmful that was.

>

> In week 6 I decided to start being more proactive. I started going

> back to my AA meetings. That was a help emotionally. I also

started

> to really try to tap into God for strength. I tried SAM-e, but it

> made me feel weird and I stopped. Then out of nowhere the feelings

> of sickness, nausea, flulike, and dizziness came back in full

force.

> At the end of week 6 I decided I needed to be even more proactive.

I

> was and am determined to beat this. I started exercising.

>

> In week 7 now I have been exercising just about every day. Even if

I

> feel like hell I get up on my bike. Well, it has had a good

effect

> on my physical state. Now all I have is a little fogginess and

> dizziness. Once again, I was encouraged. However, tonight the fear

> kicked in again and I slumped into a pool of tears. I know it has

to

> be withdrawals because I never have felt anything like this before.

>

> That is where I am at today. I am very scared. I do obsess

> constantly about whether this will ever end or if I have been

> permanently damaged. I am trying hard to let God guide me here and

I

> am trying to be good about the exercise. My diet has also improved

> and is more balanced. For supplements I take a multi-vitamin, a b

> complex, fish oil(about 4 x 1000mg a day), Vitamin E(400 a day),

and

> Gingko Biloba.

>

> Complicating all of this of course is that I am in my first year

of

> sobriety and that has it own challenges. Nevertheless, I hope

these

> are withdrawals and that they will cease. The physical side

effects

> are one thing, but when I get overly emotional and frightened like

I

> did tonight, well, that is terrifying and I don't know what to

make

> of it.

>

> Some other notes on me. I am 35, stand 6'3 " , and weigh 240(was 210

> before the ADs and APs). I have blood pressure and atrial

fibrulation

> (from all the drinking) issues. I take Cardizem 240mg and Atenolol

> 100mg every day. I also have been about 4 mg a day of Ativan. I

do

> plan on going off the Ativan once I get this well behind me and I

> feel stong enough to do it. THis has been 10 months of pure hell

and

> I just want it to stop.

>

> Any suggestions, ideas, support, or plans on alleviating this

would

> be much appreciated.

>

> By the way, my teaching credential was revoked. COnsequently, my

> days are pretty open. I am very angry about not only the treatment

I

> got at the clinic, but what these drugs have done to me. However

> this shakes out, I do intend on shedding light on this issue in

some

> form or another. I have a writing background and my brother is a

> filmmaker and we are discussing some ideas. Anyways, thanks again

> and sorry for being so long-winded.

[Guest guest]

MCPark, thanks for writing. I will be responding tomorrow.

Regards,