Re: For those that are NC: How to deal with fear when nada tries to make contact

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to thank ALL of you for responding and to let you know

I'll reply soon - it's been a heck of a week, so I've only been able

to read, but it has REALLY helped!

- NT

>

> I've told parts of this story before, but it's probably way back in

> the archives under my old username by now, so bear with me...

>

> I've been NC with nada for about 5 months now. When I was barely 2

> months pregnant, she decided to take the simple statement we gave our

> whole family and a group of friends that we'd decided that we wanted a

> few weeks to adjust to our new roles as parents at and around the time

> of the birth without having to entertain out-of-town guests (but that

> we'd love to have everyone at the baptism) and turn it into a

> full-blown drama-filled rip-on-the-daughter festival. In truth, I

> didn't want her involved in the first place, but in sending this

> letter with a very small boundary enclosed (read: " we have decided

> who'll be at the birth, but you are welcome to visit later " ), I

> decided to give her the opportunity to have some involvement. I just

> made it on my terms, because my primary job is to protect my son.

>

> Well, you know what happens when you try to do something on YOUR terms.

>

> Anyhow, so I've been NC for 5 months, and except for her sending a

> couple more emails which were filtered into my trash bin and a

> completely psycho incident where she created a fake persona with a

> " child with genetic difficulties that passed away " to comment on my

> blog in order to try to make me feel guilty (long story, and it was a

> sick thing to do), I haven't had to deal with her. I was very sad

> because I wasn't able to contact anyone else in my family either - she

> controls all interactions - but eventually my father and I have

> started talking, and so things are somewhat better.

>

> It was a very bad first few months of the pregnancy, though, and I

> readily admit that I am both very much at peace with my decision to go

> NC, and very angry with her for so obviously making my pregnancy about

> her and her feelings. I'm struggling with that, but I'm working it out.

>

> Anyway, so she is unable to get access to my blog to read up on my

> pregnancy progress, but my dad and - allegedly - my brother (I don't

> quite believe this because I haven't heard from him since she went

> crackers this time around) give her updates apparently. I don't really

> care - I can't control what they do and don't want to, as long as I

> don't have to hear from her. I have known the whole time that she was

> probably squirming and going nuts that I was having this child and

> that I did not need her there to run the show - or, more to the point,

> she thinks I DO need her there to run the show and is pissed off that

> I somehow think I have the right to deny her that.

>

> Again, as long as I haven't had to hear about it, I've just let it go.

> I'm ready to move on.

>

> But I've known, and my therapist warned me of this, that as it gets

> closer to the baby's birth, she will not be able to stay in the

> background. She can't stand not being the center of attention for that

> long, and she has been absolutely obsessed with the idea of my

> children since long before I was even dating my husband (nearly a

> decade before now). I have constant nightmares about her, and my DH

> and I have a plan worked out for if and when she shows up at our door

> uninvited (although she lives 1000 miles away, I just can't see her

> letting this go).

>

> I had just, however, in the last couple of weeks started to relax. I

> thought perhaps I was just being overly defensive and paranoid. I

> started to feel a little more comfortable in the situation and in my

> own skin, and was even able to send my dad a note to let him know that

> we weren't rejecting him from our lives, but that we would also not

> force him to choose between us and his wife - he was welcome in our

> son's and our grandson's life in any capacity he wanted, but that he

> knew there was one constraint on that (read: that my mom not be

> involved), and that if that made his life too difficult, we would

> understand if he were less involved than he otherwise might be.

>

> Well, my mom reads his email, and even if she didn't this time, he

> does almost anything she wants anyway to keep his own peace, and so I

> know he probably tells her almost everything anyway. That's fine -

> again, I'd rather he didn't, but I don't feel the need to control

> everyone else in my life, and I know that I take my own risks when I

> give him information.

>

> And so yesterday, she finally couldn't take it anymore. First she

> tried to call me from her cell phone - a number I don't know (but have

> now blocked) - but didn't get a hold of me and didn't leave a message.

> I wouldn't have even known it was her, except that my parents have a

> cell phone family plan and the number is similar but not identical to

> my father's... that and the fact that 5 minutes after she called my

> house, she sent me an email from an account I'd never seen - her work

> account (which wasn't yet filtered at the time) at her new job. Again,

> here we see her working her way around any boundaries I try to

> enforce. I tell her not to call or email, and she does it. So I block

> her from calling or emailing, and she finds her way around that. There

> is NO WAY I'd trust her around my child!!! She'd just ignore any

> boundaries I set and try to raise him herself! (And badmouth me...)

>

> So, anyway, I was puzzled by this nicey-nicey email she sent at first,

> not because I hadn't been expecting it, but because I couldn't really

> tell quite why it bothered me so much. I wasn't tempted to respond,

> however - I've let her have weeks of email conversations with my inbox

> before without responding and seen how she can go from praise to rage

> and back *all by herself*, so I know the other shoe will drop. But I

> was puzzled by why it bothered me so much immediately (aside from it

> being evidence of her completely ignoring my desire to never hear from

> her again):

>

> ******

>

> Subject: Can we please resolve our problems?

>

> NT,

>

> I'm VERY, very sad about the blowup that we had. I love you so much

> and have been very concerned about your health and well being. I'm

> always happy when your Dad or your brother gives me news about your

> pregnancy. I understand that it is going to be a boy.

>

> I'm not going to go into long explanation again. I just want to have

> a relationship with you. I cry a lot over what happened. My life

> would be perfect if you were in it.

>

> Can we PLEASE bury the hatchet!!

>

> I love you,

>

> Mom

>

> ******

>

> And then I realized... aside from being unsolicited, all it is is a

> guilt trip. She takes no responsibility for anything she has done -

> it's all about how SHE feels. How VERY sad she is. How VERY worried

> she is (because I am not telling her every detail of my life, and she

> feels entitled and out of control when I don't). (My health and

> well-being are fine - I read somewhere that worry was the long

> lead-line of control... it certainly isn't love all by itself, and for

> my mom, it's control) She wants to let me know she's capable of being

> happy, that she's benevolent, that she'll be a good grandmother if

> I'll just get this damned chip off my shoulder.

>

> It wasn't a " blowup we had " - it was a total meltdown SHE had!!!

>

> The " long explanation " she's referring to is actually the initial

> insane email she sent me when she found out I was pregnant letting me

> know I was a terrible, unforgiving person, that I clearly wanted to

> exclude my parents from my children's life and that I was going to be

> a horrible parent by cheating my children, that I had abandoned my

> brother and clearly hated him unfairly (I don't hate my brother at all

> - it's just a side effect of how she'd split us in that week), that I

> never tried to understand how anyone else felt (projection, anyone),

> etc etc etc. That wasn't an explanation, it was a letter full of

> insults, guilt, accusations and manipulation. She wasn't getting what

> she wanted, she felt abandoned and rejected, so she wanted to make

> sure I knew I'd be punished if I dared to do that.

>

> Her " long explanation " was a set of two hate-filled emails, one of

> which I only skimmed before trashing it. She's just letting me know

> she's not going to insult me in this letter and is therefore a nice

> person who is entitled to what she wants from me.

>

> I can't believe she can be so awful, and then has the gall to tell me

> none of it matters, she just wants a relationship with me. The NERVE

> she has to tell me about how she cries all the time over this. Where

> was SHE when I was crying myself to sleep and constantly devastated

> after her antics after the pregnancy announcement?

>

> Why am I supposed to care that she's crying over a situation she

created?

>

> Oh, right, I'm responsible for her happiness. The fact that she says

> " [her] life would be perfect if were in it " just makes me sick -

> her life is never perfect (no one's is), or even good. She's incapable

> of being happy, and now she's shoveled her happiness off on me, as if

> I am responsible for her feeling bad right now?

>

> I know what this letter is, I really do. Even if it looks " nice " on

> the surface, note that there's no apology, no concern for how all of

> this has made me feel, no promises to try to work to change her

> behaviors. No, it's all either neutral and about " us " (which means I,

> NT, did something wrong) or it's about her and how bad she feels. I'm

> supposed to feel bad.

>

> And I'm supposed to look like the bad guy if I don't respond - she

> did, after all, CC it to my father.

>

> I had just started to get myself straight, and now she's trying to

> worm her way around my boundaries again. When that does not work - and

> it will not - what I'm really worried about is the next step.

>

> The next step is the person who has told me repeatedly he can't be in

> the middle of this, and I have absolutely not put him there this time

> - my father. I have, instead of seeking validation and comfort from

> him, avoided the topic at all except to assure him that I understand

> that one side is forcing him to choose, and that I won't push back and

> make him do that, but that my mother is permanently out of our lives.

> But my dad wants peace in his own home. My father is always trying to

> save my mother from her feelings, from her actions, from

> responsibility. And he knows I love him and, in spite of growing anger

> over him letting her abuse his kids all these years, he knows I do

> value his opinion. What I'm afraid of is that he'll risk destroying

> the tenuous relationship we've been able to rebuild after my mother's

> meltdown by doing what he's always done - kindly telling me how my

> mother is really hurting, how he knows her better than anyone (in

> spite of the fact that he has never really had to see her in the role

> of mother - he's always hidden in the basement and only come upstairs

> to be The Law and punish the kids when she is angry and lies about

> what her children have done), how she really wants the best for me and

> to be involved in our child's life.

>

> There is some part of me that knows he will do this in spite of all of

> his protestations that he won't be put in the middle. He will do it

> because of my mother and me, I'm the one who can sympathize. I'm the

> one who hates hurting someone or seeing someone hurt. I'm the one who,

> in spite of my many, many faults, has a rational nice side that can be

> appealed to. And he will try to do that, because he hates seeing her

> hurt and it will make his life easier.

>

> And I am scared to death, because this time, I cannot do it.

>

> What can I say to that? He doesn't know what BPD is, how she is never

> going to stop doing this, how this is not just some terrible

> misunderstanding between two people who don't get each other. I am

> certainly not going to explain that on the phone to him - he's in as

> much denial as anyone (he had the opportunity and desire to leave the

> relationship a couple of years ago, and instead opted to move into Oz

> on a permanent basis, going into willful denial to a large extent),

> and it would be a waste of what little emotional energy I have for this.

>

> I want to keep my dad in my life to some extent, at least - he's the

> only family member outside of my husband I have right now, and while I

> cannot depend on him, I do love him. But my mother will use any

> conduit she can get right now, and I don't know how to tell him he

> can't ask me to do what he will inevitably ask me to do without

> sounding like the cruel, mean bitch my mother will inevitably accuse

> me of being (can we say this has happened before? .

>

> And then there's whatever she does after that - she's going to smear

> me get again to family and family friends. She'll go through a period

> of painting me black to everyone. And then she'll try again.

>

> I cannot spend the rest of my life afraid of her next attempt to mess

> my life up, or the next time she uses my dad as a proxy to do so, and

> it's really wearing on me! I cannot deal with another round of

> horrible nightmares about her, where I wake up moaning and screaming

> and my husband wakes out of a deep sleep to comfort me.

>

> I'm in therapy, and my therapist is wonderful - this is obviously not

> about not having someone to talk to. But do any of you who've been NC

> for a while have any advice for putting that fear, that defensiveness,

> that constant attempt to predict the future (which unfortunately

> nearly always succeeds, and is only more horrible when it fails) on

> the back burner?

>

> I'm not expecting it to go away, but I'd really like to find a way to

> tell it " I recognize that I am afraid, and that is OK, so please go

> sit in the corner now for a while and stop screaming to be heard... "

>

> Sorry for the long ranting post... it just seems like every time this

> whole situation has cooled off enough for me to finally start feeling

> normal, she finds a way to light it up again. This always amazes me,

> since she can't even talk to me right now and has no way of knowing

> whether or not I've gotten over the last blows or not. It seems to

> come in 4-month cycles, and maybe I should just start marking my

> calendar

>

> - NT

>