Guest guest Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 wrote: " When choosing to become nc ~ is it solely for self preservation or did you hope to also gain enough strength during this period to " manage " nada again some point in the future? I've been n/c for three years - and I still haven't made up my mind whether I'll see or talk to her again...and I feel good about the fact that I've decided to make up my mind when it suits *me*...if ever. If nada is suffering because of n/c, that was her choice. I warned her again & again that I was fed up with her behaviour and I went n/c multiple times for short periods. Nada chose to continue to insult/nag/harrangue/ridicule/whine/throw hissy fits etc. and n/c is the pre-determined consequence of her informed choice. One of the reasons I've decided to not make up my mind at this point is that I too still feel sick to my stomach when I think of her. I think that now I could and would stand up to her...but I know without doubt that she would react so viciously & self-pityingly & drama-queenishly that I see no rational reason to put myself into such an ugly situation, when I could instead stay home with my happy hubbie & all our wee beasties. I don't worry about still feeling sick to my stomach - I think extreme disgust is a perfectly normal reaction when confronted with a so-called mother who considers it her god-given right to use her children as tools to masturbate her own ego. F PS Just had a funny thought - for many, many years my nada has drenched herself in her favourite perfume, fittingly called " Poison " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 Self preservation.... with a side-effect of better manageability. My choice to go NC .. .was due to a realization. I'd been in therapy... and the therapist asked me a question. If you never saw your mother, or talked to her or had any contact with her again... what would you be losing ? ...... can I tell you ... all the lightbulbs went on. What would I lose ? Was she a wonderful emotional support for me ? No. Was she supporting me monitarily ? No. up to that point in my life ... we had a pattern. Since I'd moved very far away... the only way she could *get to me* was on the phone. The Nada would call me... we would get in and arguement.. we would escalate until she would hang up the phone on me while I tried to explain ... or defend myself... or whatever. Then I would pick up the phone and call her back.. and tell her ... " Now Mom, ... blah blah blah " as if it was my fault ... and most times I would apologize for something I didn't do... so that I would still be on *speaking* terms with *my mother*. so... after my little talk with the therapist. The Nada called. We got in our usual arguement. She hung up on me. ... and I did not call back. Neither did she. We were NC for about a year and then The Nada called. I picked up the phone... and we had a decent conversation. Neither of us mentioned anything about no contact for a year... and she behaved herself on the phone. This is the only contact I have with her now. Phone. I think that year off ... NC ... made me a stronger person. I handle her much better after that incident... because I had nothing to lose. I would have been ok if she never called me back. I would be ok now if she never called me on the phone.... I still have nothing to lose. so... it wasn't intentional.. but, I did get stronger, and more able to manage her. now I just have to get rid of these dang fleas twin.less mkatplustwo wrote: When choosing to become nc ~ is it solely for self preservation or did you hope to also gain enough strength during this period to " manage " nada again some point in the future? --------------------------------- Yahoo! Mail Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 > When choosing to become nc ~ is it solely for self preservation or did > you > hope to also gain enough strength during this period to " manage " nada > again > some point in the future? It was self-preservation for me. And I don't think I will have any relationship in the future since BPs simply cannot have a non-abusive relationship. They don't know how to not abuse/misuse people. Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 There's an exercise that I use to handle situations like this. First find yourself a quiet comfortable place where you can be alone. Find a comfortable position, close your eyes and start breathing in to the count of 8, hold it to the count of 8 and the let your breath out to the count of 8. Do this for as long as you can. Work up to 10 minutes. Once this is done you can stop concentrating on your breathing. Just continue with deliberate slow breathing. Now start noticing where on your body you feel tense. Intensify this feeling as much as you can tolerate and then let it go. After you've done this start relaxing your whole body by starting with the top of your head. What you will do is concentrate on each section of the body and relax it one at a time. The order is as follows: Top of head, forehead, face, neck, shoulders, arms, torso, behind, legs, feet. Once everything is relaxed really notice how you feel. Try to stay in this position for 20 minutes. If you can't do it at first don't worry about it. Keep working on it until you do. Now the purpose of this exercise is to help you understand how tense you are all of the time and to show you how to correct this. If you practice this once a day you will eventually be able to relax at will. That means if you happen to run into your Nana in the mall you can slow your breathing down at will and it will relax you. You will be able to take note of where you are tensing up and you can relax those areas. Once you are in control of this you will be amazed at the things you will be able to do you couldn't before. Good luck to you! Pamela mkatplustwo wrote: I am coming to a new realization about my life that I don't think I am too thrilled about. When choosing to become nc ~ is it solely for self preservation or did you hope to also gain enough strength during this period to " manage " nada again some point in the future? The truth is that I have absolutely no intention of ever stopping nc (or at least that's what I'd like) but feel that there may be incidents in the future where I'll to choose to do something where I will likely run into nada. I have come really far but am starting to wonder if my flight response from nada will ever simmer down. I guess fear is that biggie that I have to work on. Mostly I fear that I will never be able to really protect myself from her. I get frustrated because I guess I believe that all this work I have done should give me tha ability to run into nada at some mall somewhere ~ handle it like a I know I should ~ and not have to go home and throw up afterwards. This is one area that I feel like I have not taken one step forward. When I see someone that even looks like nada or foo I get kind of light-headed and feel like I'm kind of floating. Almost out of body ~ like I am walking a step ahead of my body. Then comes the sick stomach. I hate that nearly 3 years later the physical reaction is nearly the same I when I started all this. MIchelle Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 Thanks Pamela, I will try that. I know I am much better than before nc. It took about 6 months after the big showdown that resulted in nc for my anxiety to go away. Now 2 years without panic attacks. These were panic attacks that tended to come on just thinking about my foo. I guess I am still prone to them in an event where I actually see or bump on to foo. This isn't " right " thinking, I know ~ but panic attacks make me feel so weak. It just brings up sooo many issues with nada. It was her her power over us. I just got really down thinking I may be dealing with this forever... Sucks! > I am coming to a new realization about my life that I don't think I am > too thrilled about. > > When choosing to become nc ~ is it solely for self preservation or did > you hope to also gain enough strength during this period to " manage " > nada again some point in the future? > > The truth is that I have absolutely no intention of ever stopping nc > (or at least that's what I'd like) but feel that there may be > incidents in the future where I'll to choose to do something where I > will likely run into nada. > > I have come really far but am starting to wonder if my flight response > from nada will ever simmer down. I guess fear is that biggie that I > have to work on. Mostly I fear that I will never be able to really > protect myself from her. > > I get frustrated because I guess I believe that all this work I have > done should give me tha ability to run into nada at some mall > somewhere ~ handle it like a I know I should ~ and not have to go home > and throw up afterwards. This is one area that I feel like I have not > taken one step forward. > > When I see someone that even looks like nada or foo I get kind of > light-headed and feel like I'm kind of floating. Almost out of body ~ > like I am walking a step ahead of my body. Then comes the sick > stomach. I hate that nearly 3 years later the physical reaction is > nearly the same I when I started all this. > > MIchelle > > > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 your post really hit home for me. I am printing it out for further support. I was NC with nada for 3 years and then foolishly tried contact again for about a year---and then she went too far. During the course of that year she had demolished boundary after boundary and I called her on them and then at last she went too far by saying that I was mentally ill and how in the world do I invent such things. The things she is referring to is realities such as my father's numerous affairs, hateful things she has done and said, and the lies she has concocted about my husband. At that point I just exploded! I looked at my baby who was watching this heated conversation, and in a flash I thought---No, I do not want this chaos and never ending drama in my daughter's world---she deserves more than this. I told nada never to call me again. This was January 8, 2006---she called me the next day, the following week 2x, and oddly enough just as I was reading this thread. Naturally I do not answer. I agree with you one hundred percent that this is a choice that they have made after various warnings that this will be the outcome. I do not miss her feigned interest in my baby girl, or her suspicious attitudes. I feel free without her judgment being cast on everything I do. Like you I am happy with hubby and my wee beastie! Side note---my nada is also a Poison afficionada. best to all-- sofia > " When choosing to become nc ~ is it solely for self preservation or did you > hope to also gain enough strength during this period to " manage " nada again > some point in the future? > > I've been n/c for three years - and I still haven't made up my mind whether > I'll see or talk to her again...and I feel good about the fact that I've > decided to make up my mind when it suits *me*...if ever. > > If nada is suffering because of n/c, that was her choice. I warned her > again & again that I was fed up with her behaviour and I went n/c multiple > times for short periods. Nada chose to continue to > insult/nag/harrangue/ridicule/whine/throw hissy fits etc. and n/c is the > pre-determined consequence of her informed choice. > > One of the reasons I've decided to not make up my mind at this point is that > I too still feel sick to my stomach when I think of her. I think that now I > could and would stand up to her...but I know without doubt that she would > react so viciously & self-pityingly & drama-queenishly that I see no > rational reason to put myself into such an ugly situation, when I could > instead stay home with my happy hubbie & all our wee beasties. > > I don't worry about still feeling sick to my stomach - I think extreme > disgust is a perfectly normal reaction when confronted with a so- called > mother who considers it her god-given right to use her children as tools to > masturbate her own ego. > > F > > PS Just had a funny thought - for many, many years my nada has drenched > herself in her favourite perfume, fittingly called " Poison " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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