Guest guest Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 I've been reading all the stuff about how so many of us KOs feel different and unworthy compared to the rest of humanity, and it's been hitting me really hard, because despite being a high self-esteem over-achiever in one compartment of my brain, I also have those feelings of not being normal, of not being entitled to things that normal people take for granted. So this weird, freaky thing happened yesterday... At my office, the kitchen is quite far away from my desk (downstairs and down the hall), so I usually store my personal mugs in the kitchen (there's plenty of room, some others keep theirs in the kitchen too, some people keep theirs at their desks). When I first started I wrote my name on the bottom of my mugs in permanent marker, and over time it had gradually worn off, with the result that people were using my mugs, which I don't really mind, but they all (3 of them) have sentimental value and I don't want to lose them. So, I got another permanent marker and re-wrote my name on the bottoms. This marker had a much broader tip than the old one, so my name had to be bigger to be legible. I was setting the mugs, bottom-up on the mat just like all the others, after I'd done this and while I was doing that I heard this crazy little voice in my head that saying: " Are you sure you should be doing that? You don't want to offend people my making them read your name written so big and making such a big deal about YOUR mugs! " And, because of what I've been reading here, and what I've been doing in therapy lately, for the first time in my life I heard that little voice in my head clearly and consciously (instead of just half- blocking it out and obeying) and I realized how totally crazy that is. It's full of sick nada-messages like: 1. People will be offended and angry if you remind them that you exist. 2. People will be even more offended if you act like you think you have a RIGHT to exist and be a normal person with normal privileges. 3. How DARE you think that you deserve to aggressively (nada-voice's word, not mine!) assert your ownership of these mugs? This hit me so hard I literally almost fainted. I felt " weak in the knees " the rest of the day. The scary part is that I've been listening to that message, and obeying it sort of semi-consciously, my whole life. And what now leaves me both angry and relieved is that when, as a result of this " How dare you exist? " programming, I ended up just being generally scared of life (how could I not be, really?), she brutally humiliated me for being such a " coward " . This so completely explains why sometimes I get inexplicably scared about doing normal, ordinary things. So, I've decided to go out and buy or make myself a new coffee mug, with my name in large letters on the SIDE!!! Take THAT, nada! :-) Hugs, p.s. Last night I was telling DH this story, and he asked me, " So how big did you write your name? " I said I thought the letters might be 3/4 inch. Today I actually measured -- on the biggest mug they're about 1/3 inch. Just goes to show how deep the KO " paranoid distortion " goes :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 Wow , That sounds like huge progress! Way to go. You brought something from a subconscious/semi-conscious level to a fully conscious level. That's really quite a breakthrough. That's really the only way to get over this illness- being aware and fighting the known enemy. It is much harder to fight the hidden enemy- the voice you and I never questioned, vs the known enemy. I remember a similar breakthrough w/being paranoid- always had that little voice that justified and then one day I questioned it and realized where it came from and well that was the beginning of the end. From then on I have felt safe to have these things gradually come up and deal w/them and question them. But having it known doesn't make it any less scarey. Kind of like 'great, now what the heck do I do w/all this information/emotion/knowledge?' Kerrie > > I've been reading all the stuff about how so many of us KOs feel > different and unworthy compared to the rest of humanity, and it's > been hitting me really hard, because despite being a high self- esteem > over-achiever in one compartment of my brain, I also have those > feelings of not being normal, of not being entitled to things that > normal people take for granted. > > So this weird, freaky thing happened yesterday... > > At my office, the kitchen is quite far away from my desk (downstairs > and down the hall), so I usually store my personal mugs in the > kitchen (there's plenty of room, some others keep theirs in the > kitchen too, some people keep theirs at their desks). When I first > started I wrote my name on the bottom of my mugs in permanent marker, > and over time it had gradually worn off, with the result that people > were using my mugs, which I don't really mind, but they all (3 of > them) have sentimental value and I don't want to lose them. So, I > got another permanent marker and re-wrote my name on the bottoms. > This marker had a much broader tip than the old one, so my name had > to be bigger to be legible. I was setting the mugs, bottom-up on the > mat just like all the others, after I'd done this and while I was > doing that I heard this crazy little voice in my head that saying: > > " Are you sure you should be doing that? You don't want to offend > people my making them read your name written so big and making such a > big deal about YOUR mugs! " > > And, because of what I've been reading here, and what I've been > doing in therapy lately, for the first time in my life I heard that > little voice in my head clearly and consciously (instead of just half- > blocking it out and obeying) and I realized how totally crazy that > is. It's full of sick nada-messages like: > > 1. People will be offended and angry if you remind them that you > exist. > > 2. People will be even more offended if you act like you think you > have a RIGHT to exist and be a normal person with normal privileges. > > 3. How DARE you think that you deserve to aggressively (nada- voice's > word, not mine!) assert your ownership of these mugs? > > This hit me so hard I literally almost fainted. I felt " weak in the > knees " the rest of the day. The scary part is that I've been > listening to that message, and obeying it sort of semi-consciously, > my whole life. And what now leaves me both angry and relieved is > that when, as a result of this " How dare you exist? " programming, I > ended up just being generally scared of life (how could I not be, > really?), she brutally humiliated me for being such a " coward " . > > This so completely explains why sometimes I get inexplicably scared > about doing normal, ordinary things. > > So, I've decided to go out and buy or make myself a new coffee mug, > with my name in large letters on the SIDE!!! Take THAT, nada! :-) > > Hugs, > > > p.s. Last night I was telling DH this story, and he asked me, " So > how big did you write your name? " I said I thought the letters might > be 3/4 inch. Today I actually measured -- on the biggest mug they're > about 1/3 inch. Just goes to show how deep the KO " paranoid > distortion " goes :-) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2006 Report Share Posted March 8, 2006 Dear LAURA, Imagine, just imagine, if you had a nada who said things like: that's my daughter's favorite coffee mug. Hands off, you freaks! Nobody messes with my daughter! Okay you didn't, so we will say that for you. That's , she is adorable, and this mug means something to her, so don't mess with it! And, if you do, YOU'RE the a-hole! At one point I thought these voices would never stop. But I've found that if you talk to them enough, they do. But to be able to talk back to them, you have to understand what they are saying. You are more than half-way there. Keep at it! Don't worry about offending anybody. Charlie > > > > I've been reading all the stuff about how so many of us KOs feel > > different and unworthy compared to the rest of humanity, and it's > > been hitting me really hard, because despite being a high self- > esteem > > over-achiever in one compartment of my brain, I also have those > > feelings of not being normal, of not being entitled to things that > > normal people take for granted. > > > > So this weird, freaky thing happened yesterday... > > > > At my office, the kitchen is quite far away from my desk > (downstairs > > and down the hall), so I usually store my personal mugs in the > > kitchen (there's plenty of room, some others keep theirs in the > > kitchen too, some people keep theirs at their desks). When I first > > started I wrote my name on the bottom of my mugs in permanent > marker, > > and over time it had gradually worn off, with the result that > people > > were using my mugs, which I don't really mind, but they all (3 of > > them) have sentimental value and I don't want to lose them. So, I > > got another permanent marker and re-wrote my name on the bottoms. > > This marker had a much broader tip than the old one, so my name had > > to be bigger to be legible. I was setting the mugs, bottom-up on > the > > mat just like all the others, after I'd done this and while I was > > doing that I heard this crazy little voice in my head that saying: > > > > " Are you sure you should be doing that? You don't want to offend > > people my making them read your name written so big and making such > a > > big deal about YOUR mugs! " > > > > And, because of what I've been reading here, and what I've been > > doing in therapy lately, for the first time in my life I heard that > > little voice in my head clearly and consciously (instead of just > half- > > blocking it out and obeying) and I realized how totally crazy that > > is. It's full of sick nada-messages like: > > > > 1. People will be offended and angry if you remind them that you > > exist. > > > > 2. People will be even more offended if you act like you think > you > > have a RIGHT to exist and be a normal person with normal privileges. > > > > 3. How DARE you think that you deserve to aggressively (nada- > voice's > > word, not mine!) assert your ownership of these mugs? > > > > This hit me so hard I literally almost fainted. I felt " weak in > the > > knees " the rest of the day. The scary part is that I've been > > listening to that message, and obeying it sort of semi- consciously, > > my whole life. And what now leaves me both angry and relieved is > > that when, as a result of this " How dare you exist? " programming, I > > ended up just being generally scared of life (how could I not be, > > really?), she brutally humiliated me for being such a " coward " . > > > > This so completely explains why sometimes I get inexplicably scared > > about doing normal, ordinary things. > > > > So, I've decided to go out and buy or make myself a new coffee mug, > > with my name in large letters on the SIDE!!! Take THAT, nada! :-) > > > > Hugs, > > > > > > p.s. Last night I was telling DH this story, and he asked me, " So > > how big did you write your name? " I said I thought the letters > might > > be 3/4 inch. Today I actually measured -- on the biggest mug > they're > > about 1/3 inch. Just goes to show how deep the KO " paranoid > > distortion " goes :-) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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