Re: Blocked Anger-boundaries

[Guest guest]

I've actually been reading up on boundaries lately and I've started to

practice setting them on people other than my mom. (I'm at the point

of taking little baby steps and standing up for little injustices.)

But I'm afraid to talk about boundaries with nada as I know she

doesn't respond well to me asserting myself. I've been thinking about

the idea of unspoken boundaries where I set them for myself and

enforce them (and take actions to protect myself) but avoid telling

her about them. (I believe she won't react well to them and won't

respect them). Is this a bad idea? or is there a better way to

approach her?

>

> I've

> > > had problems with repressed anger. I either hold it in and become

> > > resentful ,avoid the situation altogether, or express myself passive

> > > aggressively

>

> me,too. i repress lots of other feelings, too. i'm working on it =)

>

> I

> > really

> > > want to break the cycle. Has anyone else had trouble with anger

> > > assertiveness? Or does anyone have any advice for healing this

> > issue? or

> > >

> >

>

> The main thing I'm learning right now is how to set boundaries. I

> wasn't even conscious that my inner dialogue was saying " You have to be

> nice! You have to do what makes everyone else happy (or at least not

> mad)! " All of a sudden, when my therapist started guiding me through

> how to communicate my boundaries, it dawned on me that, " Hey, I'm worth

> protecting. My opinion matters. My feelings are important. " I can

> tell it's going to take me a while longer to get all the way better,

> but I think it's a good start.

>

> (By the way: You are worth protecting. Your opinion matters. Your

> feelings are important.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think silently setting boundries is best. The minute they get wind of

vocally setting boundries, the trouble starts. All of the sudden you find

yourself defending yourself and groveling.

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[Guest guest]

Ilana,

That's the approach that I've taken, and it seems to work for me. For

example, if I don't want to talk on the phone with her for more than

30 minutes I tell her I need to go to sleep after 25 minutes (or if

it's in the morning, I need to go to work). She always tries to push

for more, but I try to stick to my rules. It helps if you think of a

hard and fast external boundary before you talk to her.

For me, I have to go to sleep on time every night, otherwise I feel

unwell (actually true). So that's an easy way to limit the time spent

with her in the evening when she visits.

qwerty

>

> I've been thinking about

> the idea of unspoken boundaries where I set them for myself and

> enforce them (and take actions to protect myself) but avoid telling

> her about them. (I believe she won't react well to them and won't

> respect them). Is this a bad idea? or is there a better way to

> approach her?

>

[Guest guest]

Ilana,

That is a good idea. Many KOs have done exactly that when they

establish boundaries with their nada. I think this really depends

upon the KO and how the nada/fada reacts. Regardless of how a KO

goes about setting boundaries, I think it is a good idea to not use

the word boundary. I am sure just that concept will set a BP into a

rant or rage.

Something that worked well for me was to set the boundary when

something was happening. So I didn't bother telling nada about a

boundary ahead of time - cause she would have found a way to get out

of it. One day, when she was bad mouthing my son, I just told her

that she was welcome to her opinion, but I didn't want to hear it,

(the boundary), and if she continued, then I would leave (the

consequence of not honoring my boundary). I don't feel our

nadas/fadas need anything more than as simple a statement as

possible. They can get us really wrapped up in discussion if we let

them.

I started setting boundaries much like you did. And with each

success, it was easier for me to set and defend other boundaries.

One of the first things I did was send back dirty silverware at

restaurants. (I can remember this because it was a really big step

for me!)

Something else I finally was comfortable accepting - with other

people - is that it is often good to 'confront' someone in a way

that allows the person to offer an explanation and to maintain their

own self-esteem. In the example of the silverware, I would

say, " There might be a problem with your dishwasher, some of this

silverware is still dirty, would you bring me clean pieces? Thank

you. "

Good luck with your new boundary setting powers.

Sylvia

> >

> > I've

> > > > had problems with repressed anger. I either hold it in and

become

> > > > resentful ,avoid the situation altogether, or express myself

passive

> > > > aggressively

> >

> > me,too. i repress lots of other feelings, too. i'm working on

it =)

> >

> > I

> > > really

> > > > want to break the cycle. Has anyone else had trouble with

anger

> > > > assertiveness? Or does anyone have any advice for healing

this

> > > issue? or

> > > >

> > >

> >

> > The main thing I'm learning right now is how to set boundaries.

I

> > wasn't even conscious that my inner dialogue was saying " You

have to be

> > nice! You have to do what makes everyone else happy (or at least

not

> > mad)! " All of a sudden, when my therapist started guiding me

through

> > how to communicate my boundaries, it dawned on me that, " Hey,

I'm worth

> > protecting. My opinion matters. My feelings are important. " I

can

> > tell it's going to take me a while longer to get all the way

better,

> > but I think it's a good start.

> >

> > (By the way: You are worth protecting. Your opinion matters.

Your

> > feelings are important.)

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for replying everyone! I really appreciate it. My boundary

setting journey is going slowly but well. Since I live at home

boundaries are especially important, but sometimes difficult to set.

I'm feeling better about myself even being able to set boundaries for

people other than nada.

~Ilana

> > >

> > > I've

> > > > > had problems with repressed anger. I either hold it in and

> become

> > > > > resentful ,avoid the situation altogether, or express myself

> passive

> > > > > aggressively

> > >

> > > me,too. i repress lots of other feelings, too. i'm working on

> it =)

> > >

> > > I

> > > > really

> > > > > want to break the cycle. Has anyone else had trouble with

> anger

> > > > > assertiveness? Or does anyone have any advice for healing

> this

> > > > issue? or

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > > The main thing I'm learning right now is how to set boundaries.

> I

> > > wasn't even conscious that my inner dialogue was saying " You

> have to be

> > > nice! You have to do what makes everyone else happy (or at least

> not

> > > mad)! " All of a sudden, when my therapist started guiding me

> through

> > > how to communicate my boundaries, it dawned on me that, " Hey,

> I'm worth

> > > protecting. My opinion matters. My feelings are important. " I

> can

> > > tell it's going to take me a while longer to get all the way

> better,

> > > but I think it's a good start.

> > >

> > > (By the way: You are worth protecting. Your opinion matters.

> Your

> > > feelings are important.)

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>