Re: new member new post/unexplainable fear of bpd mother

Posted September 25, 2007 · September 25, 2007

For someone who thinks they have an unexplainable terror of their

mother, you certainly did a great job of explaining why we should all

be terrified of her too- rages, anger, emotional distance, cutting you

off for 7 years. That's a pretty good reason to me to be frightened of

her. She sounds mentally unstable and so sane people do tend to be

frightened of those people who are unpredictable and chaotic.

Its good that you are moving her out and finding some peace of your

own. Best wishes to you,

Kerrie

>

> My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house. we are

> moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my son is

> handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her. i am

> curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does anybody

> understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her except

> anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak to me

for

> 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her and my

father

> as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I did not live

> near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not have to deal

> with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

>

Posted September 25, 2007 · September 25, 2007

This almost seem like symptoms of chronic PTSD or what is now

called " Complex PTSD " your fears are seemingly irrational and it is

difficult to recall specific details. It's really a normal reaction to

an abnormal circumstance. I have not seen my nada in 15 years shes been

locked up for almost ten. Yet i have this phobia of having any

association or contact with her even though she is completely disabled

from ever doing a single thing to me.

I also don't remember specific circumstances or have a clear memory.

Just one long " bad dream " of rage, anger and constant CONTROL. The

emotions were far more pervasive than the actions it seems. I think its

because our survival and everything we did was either to work around,

deal with or react to her emotions. No Logic, no discipline nothing,

just what she FELT at the time. Maybe our own emotions have become

magnified over time.

Hope this helps,

Tina

>

> My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house. we are

> moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my son is

> handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her. i am

> curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does anybody

> understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her except

> anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak to me

for

> 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her and my

father

> as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I did not live

> near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not have to deal

> with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

>

Posted September 25, 2007 · September 25, 2007

Yes, it sounds to me as if there was some shutting down in order to

cope and now those memories are difficult to find.

> >

> > My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house. we are

> > moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my son is

> > handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her. i am

> > curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does anybody

> > understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her except

> > anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak to me

> for

> > 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her and my

> father

> > as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I did not live

> > near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not have to deal

> > with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

> >

>

Posted September 26, 2007 · September 26, 2007

She is probably a bit of an enigma to herself. I feel this way

sometimes with my folks - that there is no " there " there, if you know

what I mean.

Something about having her in the basement is especially creepy. Like

a troll or a demon, or something in the unconscious, lurking, that you

don't want to look at.

It does sound like you've got damn good reason to feel what you feel.

The body does not forget, no matter how often the mind says " Come on

silly! What's the problem? She's just a little old lady! " .

Trust your gut, and congrats on getting her out of the house. I hope

happier days are coming for you. If she's 86, I imagine you are not in

your first youth. I hope you can work this out in time to thorougly

enjoy the rest of your life, unclouded with these old terrors.

letty

> > >

> > > My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house. we are

> > > moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my son is

> > > handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her. i am

> > > curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does anybody

> > > understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her except

> > > anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak to me

> > for

> > > 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her and my

> > father

> > > as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I did not

live

> > > near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not have to

deal

> > > with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

> > >

> >

>

Posted September 26, 2007 · September 26, 2007

My DH recently said something very interesting about my nada. He, too,

said she was an enigma to him for years until just a few days ago.

He has concluded that all her ranting, crying, shouting, inappropriate

behavior are just meaningless dramatic acts. Even when she cries or

talks about how terribly hurt she is at my brother (the one who

married a BPD), he thinks she's only pretending to feel those feelings

she professes to having so deeply. He believes she acts out dramas

with the people around her in order to distract herself from having to

come to terms with who she is.

Imagine looking at a mirror and seeing no reflection at all. That is

what he thinks my nada feels when she looks at herself. All the people

she pulls into her dramas are there as extras in the production, so to

speak, just to populate the otherwise empty mirror reflection. If the

mirror is full of all these other people, she doesn't have to think

about the non-existence of her own reflection.

So all the shenanigans, all the games are a facade. For me, this is a

very liberating way to look at my nada. Looking at her through this

lens, all the emotional abuse she heaped upon me as a child has

nothing at all to do with me. She could have just as well abused a

complete stranger, only I was more convenient, being a child and in

close proximity to her. In the most fundamental sense, then, her abuse

was not " personally " directed at me, it was just her attempt to create

distractions. I just happened to be there when she was trying really

hard not to look into herself and see a gaping, empty shell.

I wonder if looking at your mother in this way might help you feel

better about her. For me, it certainly takes away a lot of my nada's

power. She's no longer the fuming tyrant from my childhood, hell-bent

on humiliating and hurting me, but a very sick, incompetent person

trying desperately to pretend that her life has meaning.

qwerty

> > > >

> > > > My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house. we

are

> > > > moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my

son is

> > > > handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her. i am

> > > > curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does

anybody

> > > > understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her

except

> > > > anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak

to me

> > > for

> > > > 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her and my

> > > father

> > > > as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I did not

> live

> > > > near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not have to

> deal

> > > > with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

Posted September 26, 2007 · September 26, 2007

qwerty, that's brilliant! it explains a lot to me.

Letty

> > > > >

> > > > > My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house. we

> are

> > > > > moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my

> son is

> > > > > handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her.

i am

> > > > > curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does

> anybody

> > > > > understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her

> except

> > > > > anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak

> to me

> > > > for

> > > > > 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her and my

> > > > father

> > > > > as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I did not

> > live

> > > > > near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not have to

> > deal

> > > > > with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

>

Posted September 26, 2007 · September 26, 2007

Letty,

That's my DH . He really has remarkable insight.

Glad it helped you!

qwerty

>

> qwerty, that's brilliant! it explains a lot to me.

>

> Letty

Posted September 26, 2007 · September 26, 2007

Just wanted to say I also appreciated this insight. Someone once

either described their nada's feelings as " not real " (or advised me

that my nada's sudden kindness wasn't " real " ) and that description

always really stuck with me somehow. Whenever I feel myself being

hoovered back in, I remind myself that nothing they do is REAL. Not

the sadness, not the kindness.... it's all an act.

The thing that reminds me of this is how easy it is to get my nada to

switch off her kindness to her cruelty by mentioning times when she

had rages. It just confirms what an empty shell she really is. So I

really related to your DH's thoughts, and these are descriptions that

have immensely helped me in understanding my nada.

I also like your description of things just being random. I ran

across this idea of this abuse really being a matter of " bad luck "

and really not very personal today when reading " leaving home " . Also

gives me something to think about....

It does depersonalize things a bit...

g.

> > > > >

> > > > > My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house.

we

> are

> > > > > moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my

> son is

> > > > > handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her.

i am

> > > > > curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does

> anybody

> > > > > understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her

> except

> > > > > anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak

> to me

> > > > for

> > > > > 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her

and my

> > > > father

> > > > > as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I

did not

> > live

> > > > > near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not

have to

> > deal

> > > > > with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

>

Posted September 27, 2007 · September 27, 2007

thx so much for your responses to my question. i am 60 this year and

have just learned that my therapist thinks my mother has bpd. when my

dad died there was nowhere for her to go. not being around her for

years, somehow i thought things might go ok, but it was only a matter of

time until she began to act out, manipulate, abuse herself (with food)

to get attention and then exploded because i think she knew we were on

to her manipulations. i just can't deal with her and went to a

counselor to help my husband and i to handle her and feel ok about it.

my life is a long story and a struggle to grow, get healthier and cope

with children and the changes that go with life. i have been as

successful as " I " can be. it has been a learning process (i liked the

post about the quilt a member had put together from the positive people

that she had encountered in her life, my experience exactly). I am

grateful that my nada came to live at our home because without that

experience I may have never actually dealt with my past re her and

understand what i was really dealing with all those years. it is nice

to read about people who finally understand it all because most people

don't. although i am sad to know that others have to deal with this

pain also. My hat is off to all of you struggling to deal with the

problems but hanging in there with it and reaching for something better,

i believe it is there and it can be ours.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My 86 year old mother lives in a basement apt of my house.

> we

> > are

> > > > > > moving and she is moving to an assisted living facility. my

> > son is

> > > > > > handling this as i am unable to emotionally deal with her.

> i am

> > > > > > curious, i have an unexplainable terror of my mother. does

> > anybody

> > > > > > understand this. i don't have to many clear memories of her

> > except

> > > > > > anger, rage, emotional distance, control. she did not speak

> > to me

> > > > > for

> > > > > > 7 years at one time until my husband and i contacted her

> and my

> > > > > father

> > > > > > as i had cancer (my sister died of cancer at age 32). I

> did not

> > > live

> > > > > > near her from the time I was 17 until age 52 so did not

> have to

> > > deal

> > > > > > with her very often. She is like an enigma to me.

> >

>

Posted September 28, 2007 · September 28, 2007

I completely understand and am right there with you. I am 32 and recently found

out my mom has bpd. I have suspected it for years. Coming to this website and

reading other experiences has been very helpful for me, too. I'm not ready to

share my story yet. Maybe soon...

lydiajansen wrote: thx so much for your

responses to my question. i am 60 this year and