Re: my nada has replaced me

[Guest guest]

WOW, Trish!

My nada also replaced me some time back, although I never thought of it as

such. In this case, too, it was my brother's gf (now wife). I've only met her

once. The poor thing just looks and acts like a beaten-down doormat. I don't

mean any disrespect toward her by describing her that way--she seems like a

pleasant enough person, but anyone who would be involved with my brother,

probably takes a lot of abuse. And also someone who would allow herself to be

" adopted " by nada...

Nada " adopted " her about . . . three years ago? Told me the poor girl's sad

story about being adandoned by her mother at an early age, and having a mean

uncaring dad. Of course, most things out of nada's mouth are wild exaggerations

at best (outright lies at worst)...so who knows what this girl's life was like,

might be true, might not... but nada likes the fairy tale story of the " poor

waif " ...

Nada would tell me (all the time!!!) about all the nice mother-daughter

things she would do with this girl. It occurred to me at the time that she was

trying to make me jealous. But...it is/was so repellent to me--the idea of

spending any time with nada, even if she was on her best fake-nice

behavior--that I wasn't jealous, I was just sorry for this girl.

She also threw in a lot of comments about how APPRECIATIVE this girl was

(implication: I'm not an appreciative daughter), because she NEVER HAD A GOOD

MOTHER to do nice things for her (like nada was trying to say she was).

Oh, by the way, nada loves to talk about how " young and slim " she is. Now

that I've had a couple of kids (gained a bunch of weight with each, never mind

that I lost it again), nada loves to talk about me like I'm some obese monster.

I might have mentioned on here, she will ask me in this catty delighted voice,

if she sees something new I've bought, if I've bought " at a fat lady store " ...I

am not fat. The gf is about ten years older than me, and nada liked to dig at

me about my age too.

What a sick person. YUCK!!! You gotta pity the poor girl, being adopted by a

nada. She'd be better off with no mother... As if being with my brother wasn't

punishment enough.

Flea

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[Guest guest]

Flea, thanks for sharing your story. I was kind of wondering if this

whole thing was just in my head--but apparently I'm not the only one!

My nada's new daughter is a waif too! She goes on and on about how

awfull this girl's FOO is--apparently she can be the " good parent " to

this girl (sounds easy based on this chick's family drama). I think

that I definitely picked up on that compare and contrast dynamic going

on with your nada too. It's like, mine loves to say how great baby

brother's gf is and then likes to emphasize how I'm the opposite of

her--hint, hint. I think I'm finally about to get split black, oh

well--at least you know what to expect.

Oh, and that " oh she's so THIN " business is something I find

irritating--I am in no way fat. My nada has been really destructive

about how she sees my weight. She might try to say I'm " just big " or

she might try to say I'm anorexic on any given day depending on HER

needs. Who do these nada's think they are? At least now that I can

see how her assessment of my weight seems to hinge on her approval of

me I can separate it from how I see myself. Phew!

And I defintely hear you on not feeling jealous. I feel that if

there's someone else who would like to step into the role of " good

daughter, " attempt to meet my nada's needs and suffer abuse from nada

and baby brother. . .well, that's just great! It takes some of the

pressure off me--since that was kind of the role they tried to cram me

in for years. I'm kind of looking forward to being the black

sheep--the expectations will be lower:)

Trish

>

> WOW, Trish!

> My nada also replaced me some time back, although I never thought

of it as such. In this case, too, it was my brother's gf (now wife).

I've only met her once. The poor thing just looks and acts like a

beaten-down doormat. I don't mean any disrespect toward her by

describing her that way--she seems like a pleasant enough person, but

anyone who would be involved with my brother, probably takes a lot of

abuse. And also someone who would allow herself to be " adopted " by

nada...

>

> Nada " adopted " her about . . . three years ago? Told me the poor

girl's sad story about being adandoned by her mother at an early age,

and having a mean uncaring dad. Of course, most things out of nada's

mouth are wild exaggerations at best (outright lies at worst)...so

who knows what this girl's life was like, might be true, might not...

but nada likes the fairy tale story of the " poor waif " ...

>

> Nada would tell me (all the time!!!) about all the nice

mother-daughter things she would do with this girl. It occurred to me

at the time that she was trying to make me jealous. But...it is/was

so repellent to me--the idea of spending any time with nada, even if

she was on her best fake-nice behavior--that I wasn't jealous, I was

just sorry for this girl.

>

> She also threw in a lot of comments about how APPRECIATIVE this

girl was (implication: I'm not an appreciative daughter), because she

NEVER HAD A GOOD MOTHER to do nice things for her (like nada was

trying to say she was).

>

> Oh, by the way, nada loves to talk about how " young and slim " she

is. Now that I've had a couple of kids (gained a bunch of weight with

each, never mind that I lost it again), nada loves to talk about me

like I'm some obese monster. I might have mentioned on here, she will

ask me in this catty delighted voice, if she sees something new I've

bought, if I've bought " at a fat lady store " ...I am not fat. The gf

is about ten years older than me, and nada liked to dig at me about

my age too.

>

> What a sick person. YUCK!!! You gotta pity the poor girl, being

adopted by a nada. She'd be better off with no mother... As if being

with my brother wasn't punishment enough.

>

> Flea

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Yahoo! Mail

> Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Trish,

Yeah it's kind of ironic that our nadas seem to be wanting to wound us, or

deprive us, or make us jealous...and we're like " Welcome to it! " Ha.

Funny yours does the weight thing too. YES, she used to ALTERNATE between

saying I was " fat " and saying I was " too thin / anorexic " ! Like, maybe within a

couple of weeks! Crazy! That was before I had kids. Now that I've had kids, she

finds it most profitable to go after the " fat " angle, even though I'm not. I

just don't have the body of a skinny 16-year-old anymore. Silly nada.

Split black is a-ok with me. Since I'm NC, I'm sure I've been split black,

but I don't have to listen to it anymore either way. Yay.

Flea

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[Guest guest]

My whole foo has replaced me -lol! They can keep her though. I have

no need for them anymore. I have a cousin who is the same age as me.

She was a bit of a handful growing up (read: very spoiled) and came

out to the foo as bi-sexual a few years back. Whoa, did that hit the

fan. The replacement began when I quit university. She got her

masters. I stayed home to make babies (very low in their eyes).

Well, after nc she was given almost God-like status. I have heard

through mutual friends that she has the most unbelievable job (which

they embellished big time) and makes more money than anyone they know.

She did everything I didn't do. Several years ago this would have

made me nuts. Now, it is comical to me. First, I don't need people

to embellish my life to make me feel better (and think it's sad that

she has become a relection of them). Secondly, I am so happy with my

life choices. I wouldn't give up my dh and babies for a seven figure

a year job... or for anything!

It hard to care about disappointing crazy people. I have no love or

respect for foo. Plus, any life choices that make me happy are

whole-heartliy accepted and praised by those that really matter to me.

So I say, better her than me. Foo can find an exact replica of me,

name her and I wouldn't give one itty bitty damn about it. I

would just feel sorry for the " new " me.

>

> Have any of you been replaced? It is kind of surreal. My nada seems

> to have realized that I really never will become the daughter she

> would like, she has found a replacement. I've been picking up on the

> " comparing " vibes for a while--like when I was younger and my nada

> would say, " ______ is so feminine and cute! Why can't you be like

that? "

>

> Nada has " adopted " my younger brother's kind-of girlfriend (won't even

> go into their relationship). By adopted, I mean that the girlfriend

> now lives with my parents most of the week and relys on them for

> transportation. She has been telling me how she really likes this

> girlfriend because: 1. she didn't " hold a grudge " at my nada when she

> went to the dark side and humilated her in public, 2. she is

> traumatized and helpless at the threat of abuse, 3. she seems to enjoy

> sharing deeply personal info w/my nada, 4. she is thin, blond and has

> huge breasts(clearly an important character trait) 5. she allows my

> brother to treat her like a doormat, 6. she wears really revealing

> clothes, much of which my nada buys for her or makes for her, 7 she

> doesn't like my brother that's split black.

>

> YUCK!!!!!!!I think that this has sealed for me the importance of not

> seeking approval and acceptance from my nada. Being to nada's liking

> would be absolutely self-destructive. I'm almost finding this amusing

> in a twisted way, and I think that shows progress. It's funny how the

> things nada seems to most appreciate in baby-brother's girlfriend are

> the things I've consciously decided not to do in my life--some of them

> are even things I've gone to therapy NOT to do--Except for the not

> having huge breasts, that one just came naturally;)

>

> Trish

>

[Guest guest]

One of the more surreal experiences is that Yeti has replaced *herself*.

The battle I had over psychologists and fleeing her drivel has suddenly

become how SHE fought so hard to get away from HER mother. Oh, how her

mummy was so overbearing. Always preferred my aunt (her sister) over

her. Funny thing is that she only started saying that when she turned 50

and had a new audience/family to impress with her victimhood. I'm

blacker than ever, because I can come along to her self-created bubble

of deception with a pin...

The thought of suing her for identity theft has crossed my mind :-).

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

> YUCK!!!!!!!I think that this has sealed for me the importance of not

> seeking approval and acceptance from my nada. Being to nada's liking

> would be absolutely self-destructive. I'm almost finding this amusing

> in a twisted way, and I think that shows progress.

Trish,

Yeah, its kind of funny and a sign of huge progress on your part that

you do NOT want nada's approval now that you are a detached observer.

There are just some groups you know I'd just rather not belong to. Hmm,

lets see- the Nazis, the Manson clan, The Jim group, Al Quada,

The Bloods, The Crips...oh yeah, I almost forgot- My FOO!

Kerrie

[Guest guest]

, FREEEEEEEEAK-Y! My nada sometimes feels like she's stealing my

identity in front of others too. Like during my wedding when she was

a total Nazi and insisted on having all kinds of ridiculous things go

her way and I pretty much gave up on all but a few major battles.

When my friends were around to help in preparation, they kept asking

her what she wanted--because she was calling the shots. But she kept

on saying, " oh, I don't know, you better ask Trish. She has to have

everything her way. " I was pretty angry, but my friends actually

noticed what a freak she was being and just started laughing to

themselves and winking at me. It was a relief to know that other

people can see the surreal too.

Trish

>

> One of the more surreal experiences is that Yeti has replaced *herself*.

> The battle I had over psychologists and fleeing her drivel has suddenly

> become how SHE fought so hard to get away from HER mother. Oh, how her

> mummy was so overbearing. Always preferred my aunt (her sister) over

> her. Funny thing is that she only started saying that when she turned 50

> and had a new audience/family to impress with her victimhood. I'm

> blacker than ever, because I can come along to her self-created bubble

> of deception with a pin...

>

> The thought of suing her for identity theft has crossed my mind :-).

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

OMG Trish, I know I'm late responding to this but I just HAVE to chime

in.

I was the only child. My nada replaced me MANY times! Of course,

none of the replacement-daughters were " worthy of her " any more than I

was, so she replaced them, etc. etc. I think she was on about

replacement-daughter number eleven (maybe a higher number, I might

have missed some, definitely NOT lower!) when she died. And I was 39

when she died, and she acquired her first replacement when I was 17 or

so, so she averaged about one every 2 years.

She often combined this behaviour with something else that's been

discussed on the list recently -- " appropriating " other people's

children (including the nadas' own grandchildren). My nada acquired

several of her replacement-daughters by horning in on families (some

related, some barely acquainted until nada " swooped " ) who were, in

her " expert " opinion, doing a lousy job of raising their daughter(s).

She would offer to " help " , and weasel into a sick, enmeshed

relationship with the family, and end up with her next replacement-

daughter.

However, even though she replaced me that many times, she still did

the " thumb to the nose " gesture to ME in her will, by leaving her

entire estate ($2 million) to fund the Ph.D. program that I had

dropped out of. She came up with this plan this AFTER I dropped out,

to punish me for " humiliating her " . And, no, it doesn't make any

sense that my life/career choice would be a humiliation to her, except

in " BP logic " . Shortly after I quit grad school, though, she

simutaneously had THREE replacement-daughters on the go at once. I

guess one wasn't enough to make up for the " horrible " thing I did to

her....because it WAS all about her. Wasn't it? :-)

Hugs,

--- " tlblack2006 " wrote:

>

> Have any of you been replaced? It is kind of surreal. My nada seems

> to have realized that I really never will become the daughter she

> would like, she has found a replacement.... <snip>

[Guest guest]

, your post made me wonder why FOOs NEED to make a replacement

at all? I mean, I'm not searching out a spare mother or father. . .I

have a " family " of friends but they are not really like anyone in my

family--nor do they fufill the role of a parent or sibling. They are

my friends, they are what I have instead of family--I don't feel the

need to live with them and gush all over them and have twisted

relationships with them. I wonder why the FOOs seem to have that

need--to replace us.

Trish

> >

> > Have any of you been replaced? It is kind of surreal. My nada seems

> > to have realized that I really never will become the daughter she

> > would like, she has found a replacement. I've been picking up on the

> > " comparing " vibes for a while--like when I was younger and my nada

> > would say, " ______ is so feminine and cute! Why can't you be like

> that? "

> >

> > Nada has " adopted " my younger brother's kind-of girlfriend (won't even

> > go into their relationship). By adopted, I mean that the girlfriend

> > now lives with my parents most of the week and relys on them for

> > transportation. She has been telling me how she really likes this

> > girlfriend because: 1. she didn't " hold a grudge " at my nada when she

> > went to the dark side and humilated her in public, 2. she is

> > traumatized and helpless at the threat of abuse, 3. she seems to enjoy

> > sharing deeply personal info w/my nada, 4. she is thin, blond and has

> > huge breasts(clearly an important character trait) 5. she allows my

> > brother to treat her like a doormat, 6. she wears really revealing

> > clothes, much of which my nada buys for her or makes for her, 7 she

> > doesn't like my brother that's split black.

> >

> > YUCK!!!!!!!I think that this has sealed for me the importance of not

> > seeking approval and acceptance from my nada. Being to nada's liking

> > would be absolutely self-destructive. I'm almost finding this amusing

> > in a twisted way, and I think that shows progress. It's funny how the

> > things nada seems to most appreciate in baby-brother's girlfriend are

> > the things I've consciously decided not to do in my life--some of them

> > are even things I've gone to therapy NOT to do--Except for the not

> > having huge breasts, that one just came naturally;)

> >

> > Trish

> >

>