Re: Nada thinks I should give her my child

[Guest guest]

Wenn, from what I've seen on this board, that doesn't sound uncommon.

My aunt lived with us when she had her first child and my cousin

miraculously started calling my nada " mom. " My mom thought that was

just great and that my aunt deserved it since she wasn't able to earn

enough to support my cousin on her own at first. My aunt got the hell

out of dodge--good for her!

Be ware of the crazy nada's. My nada has always talked about when

will she have grandchildren and how they can come stay with her. She

wouldn't mind having an inappropriately close relationship w/my future

kids--by inappropriate, I mean being closer to them than I am or by

somehow getting them to like her more by being " cool " or whatever she

thinks she's doing. I've seen her be permissive w/my cousins when

their parents say they can't do something--I think she does it to get

the cousin's approval. If I have kids, I think I, like you, will NOT

allow this kind of interference.

Trish

>

> I informed my mother last week that I'm pregnant (I had to tell her it

> was a GOOD thing). I'd already told everyone on my dh's side weeks

> ago (we live around them and 500 miles from my mom) but I was not

> anxious to see my mom's reaction. So anyway, she's absolutely smitten

> with my first child, a girl who is 20 months old. After I tell her

> about being pregnant she tells me in that serious voice that

> means 'This is what would be best for you',

> " Well, if you find out you don't have time for A***, send her down

> here. We'd like to have her until the baby is older "

> If it had been anyone else saying that I'd think 'That's a weird thing

> to joke about' of course with my mom she wasn't joking at all. Yeah,

> after ruining my childhood let me hand over MY child to you, Crazy

> woman.

>

> I swear, I'm 31 and been married for 11 years and yet she manages to

> make me having a second child sound irresponsible. I'm worried this

> next kid will be the " black sheep " for her.

>

> Anyone else had your parent try to take a child away from you? This

> is kind of freaking me out.

>

[Guest guest]

Firstly, congratulations! I hope all goes well and that you have an

enjoyable and uneventful pregnancy.

As far as nadas go, I can relate on the " irresponsible " tone you are

referring to. I had my dd (my first) in August at the age of 33,

and I had been married for 3 years, yet nada's response was, " Uh,

there you go doing whatever you want without asking anyone or

thinking about the consequences. I wish that baby good luck. "

Now, the interesting part is that she got pregnant with me at 25 and

was not married, but yet has the nerve to judge others.

You are right to think that your nada may split this child bad, but

the bottom line is that they are YOUR children, and you will decide

what is best for them. As a parent, during a heated discussion with

nada I looked at my sweet baby and decided she did not need this in

her life. That was the day I went NC, probably for good this time.

Mine didn't try to take my baby away because she wouldn't dare---

when it comes to dd and dh, that wicked witch has got nothing on me!

I think there was someone (or more than one?) on the board who had

this problem, but I don;t know if there still in the group.

Best of luck and again congratulations! (Don't let anyone ruin it

for you)

Hug--

Sofia

>

> I informed my mother last week that I'm pregnant (I had to tell

her it

> was a GOOD thing). I'd already told everyone on my dh's side

weeks

> ago (we live around them and 500 miles from my mom) but I was not

> anxious to see my mom's reaction. So anyway, she's absolutely

smitten

> with my first child, a girl who is 20 months old. After I tell

her

> about being pregnant she tells me in that serious voice that

> means 'This is what would be best for you',

> " Well, if you find out you don't have time for A***, send her down

> here. We'd like to have her until the baby is older "

> If it had been anyone else saying that I'd think 'That's a weird

thing

> to joke about' of course with my mom she wasn't joking at all.

Yeah,

> after ruining my childhood let me hand over MY child to you, Crazy

> woman.

>

> I swear, I'm 31 and been married for 11 years and yet she manages

to

> make me having a second child sound irresponsible. I'm worried

this

> next kid will be the " black sheep " for her.

>

> Anyone else had your parent try to take a child away from you?

This

> is kind of freaking me out.

>

[Guest guest]

,

Congrats on your pregnancy! And yes, your nada's suggestion is a

weird one. I wouldn't worry about who she may make the black sheep,

because, unfortunately, it could be your daughter. If she is only

20 months, she is still at that stage where she will not defy

grandnada. It is when we turn 2, or maybe a bit older, and start

asserting our independence that the nadas turn us into black sheep.

I proudly hold the title of black sheep of my family!

Sylvia

>

> I informed my mother last week that I'm pregnant (I had to tell

her it

> was a GOOD thing). I'd already told everyone on my dh's side

weeks

> ago (we live around them and 500 miles from my mom) but I was not

> anxious to see my mom's reaction. So anyway, she's absolutely

smitten

> with my first child, a girl who is 20 months old. After I tell

her

> about being pregnant she tells me in that serious voice that

> means 'This is what would be best for you',

> " Well, if you find out you don't have time for A***, send her down

> here. We'd like to have her until the baby is older "

> If it had been anyone else saying that I'd think 'That's a weird

thing

> to joke about' of course with my mom she wasn't joking at all.

Yeah,

> after ruining my childhood let me hand over MY child to you, Crazy

> woman.

>

> I swear, I'm 31 and been married for 11 years and yet she manages

to

> make me having a second child sound irresponsible. I'm worried

this

> next kid will be the " black sheep " for her.

>

> Anyone else had your parent try to take a child away from you?

This

> is kind of freaking me out.

>

[Guest guest]

> Be ware of the crazy nada's. My nada has always talked about when

> will she have grandchildren and how they can come stay with her. She

> wouldn't mind having an inappropriately close relationship w/my

future

> kids--

Yeah, that sounds familiar. I stayed at my grandparents for weeks

during the summers but that was to get away from mom.

Kirsten

[Guest guest]

> Be ware of the crazy nada's. My nada has always talked about when

> will she have grandchildren and how they can come stay with her. She

> wouldn't mind having an inappropriately close relationship w/my

future

> kids--

Yeah, that sounds familiar. I stayed at my grandparents for weeks

during the summers but that was to get away from mom.

Kirsten

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Sofia. My kids and my sanity are the main reasons I live 500

miles away. My mom went through a spell of wanting my family to move

into her storage building a couple of months ago. I've had a lot of

issues in the past relating to thinking " Oh I'm just imagining things

worse than they are " My mom is very high functioning and during

the " normal " times I start thinking I'm crazy. (Of course then she

says something like this again).

Kirsten

[Guest guest]

Thanks

Yes, I'm the black sheep and I can't imagine my daughter not doing

something " wrong " one of these days. She's too much like me.

Kirsten

[Guest guest]

Wow Wenn,

You sound a lot like me!!! I guess I shouldn't sound so surprised

being on a KO board and all- lol. So you also waited until you were

20 weeks along/half way through the pregnancy before telling nada?

That was me w/my second one also. We lost our first child via

miscarriage and are high risk for it again, but told close family

including nada at the time back in 2003 when we were pregnant w/our

first son that is a sheer joy- born in Sept of 2003. HOWEVER, b/c our

kids were so close in age- 18mos apart, b/c we are high risk w/losing

babies, b/c I had spotting and it was touch and go w/our second son,

there was no way I was telling nada before I felt safe w/carrying to

term. I did not want to hear any crap about how aweful it would be

having them so close in age (not that she's a good example. She's 7

years older than her sister!) and yadeeyadeeya. And so we waited

until we went home for Thanksgiving and showed up prego before we

told the rest of the family (we told my one aunt and dh's brother-

the rest we just kind let them guess- funny thing is that the guys

just assumed I'd not lost the first pregnancy weight, but then again

we only see them once or twice a year and that's logical for a guy to

think- the girls all noticed but said nothing- lol- was a funny

sociological experiment. Women definitely do not like guessing about

a pregnancy b/c if you're not they don't want to say anything about

weight- I didn't think of that before we played that trick:)

Well nada is totally smitten w/my 2 year old now that he's two and

acts like a borderline. He's suppose to!!! She's not suppose to.

KWIM? Anyway, this past Christmas she sent my 2 year old 6 gifts and

my 9mos old (he'll be a year next mos but he was 9mos at the time) 1

gift. I'd already sensed some differentiation between the kids b/c my

first son looks just like my brother whom she was always more partial

to growing up and he has her long eye lashes as well as her curls.

This second child looks more like me, more fair skin, blue eyes and

blond hair (all the rest of my family - nada, my deceased dad and

brother have darker skin and dark eyes and dark hair- I got the

recessive genes which in most situations would be more like the Arian

race that Hitler esteemed, but for nada it was a bad thing b/c I

looked like deceased dad's side of the family whom she now loathes-

not that I really care what people look like on the outside. Its the

inside that counts. Dh has darker skin and dark hair and eyes and

reminds me of my brother and so I assumed all our kids would look

like our first and so my second son is more like me w/the recessive

genes and its funny as he doesn't look anything like dh. I think I'm

going on about looks here b/c when I was 4 and my younger brother was

born, that's when nada said she stopped 'loving' me as she could

finally see what everyone had always said- that I looked more like

dad's side of the family- what screwed up logic for loving someone

aye?). And so I just kind of blew a gasket. Never mind that she also

screwed w/me and the whole Christmas gift thingy- none for me and 2

for dh to open- whatever.

I think being a mom gave me the courage to break away that I never

probably had pre-kids. I had it out w/her a few days after Christmas

and have not spoken to her since. I was on the fence about sending

her a birthday card late in February and did, after much pondering,

send her one. But I haven't talked to her and have no desire to. Its

kind of weird. Its just after that last conversation, I can really

see w/clarity how absolutely out there she is and what little

business she has being in our lives until she gets professional help.

I just feel more of an obligation to protect my kids and my current

family a million times more than I feel any obligation towards her or

the rest of the FOO.

Surprised about your nada's words? Not really. Its soooo nadaish.

Kerrie

>

> I informed my mother last week that I'm pregnant (I had to tell her

it

> was a GOOD thing). I'd already told everyone on my dh's side weeks

> ago (we live around them and 500 miles from my mom) but I was not

> anxious to see my mom's reaction. So anyway, she's absolutely

smitten

> with my first child, a girl who is 20 months old. After I tell her

> about being pregnant she tells me in that serious voice that

> means 'This is what would be best for you',

> " Well, if you find out you don't have time for A***, send her down

> here. We'd like to have her until the baby is older "

> If it had been anyone else saying that I'd think 'That's a weird

thing

> to joke about' of course with my mom she wasn't joking at all.

Yeah,

> after ruining my childhood let me hand over MY child to you, Crazy

> woman.

>

> I swear, I'm 31 and been married for 11 years and yet she manages

to

> make me having a second child sound irresponsible. I'm worried

this

> next kid will be the " black sheep " for her.

>

> Anyone else had your parent try to take a child away from you?

This

> is kind of freaking me out.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow....that really sounds like something MY nada would say. I have a 2 1/2 year

old little girl. I am 26, almost 27, and am married. My nada actually freaked

out on me during labor because I had to have a c-section, telling me that she

had a dream that I had to have a c-section and died, and that she adopted my

baby. She was intensely jealous of the fact that my now-DH, then BF, was the

person I chose to have with me in the OR. She was very(and this is an

understatement) envious of the fact that I was pregnant, and she cannot have

anymore children. She begrudged my DH every bit of involvement he had in my

pregnancy, saying she thought that SHE would have more of a role. Since birth,

she has begged to have my dd for a week or more. When I went nc, she and my

stepdud(not a typo!) threatened to sue for grandparents' rights. When I offered

them supervised visitation, they flat refused, saying that having someone

besides me in the room with them was not the answer, and that they wanted to

have her for a weekend. They have threatened to gain custody of not only my dd,

but my brother's dd as well. So far, they have not succeeded.

My advice is this...

Do not let your nada get the best of you. While most people would probably

laugh this kind of comment off, we KO's are in a unique situation. We are able

to see it as a joke on the surface, but know that there is an underlying

meaning. Make your position PERFECTLY clear to your nada. Let her know that no,

they will not have your dd until the baby gets older. You do not have to explain

yourself to anyone, nor do you have to justify your actions. Your child is YOUR

child. Your nada had her opportunity to raise children, and now it is your turn.

Good luck. I know this was probably a lot of babble, but it just reminded me a

lot of my own nada's comments.

wenn9366 wrote:

I informed my mother last week that I'm pregnant (I had to tell her it

was a GOOD thing). I'd already told everyone on my dh's side weeks

ago (we live around them and 500 miles from my mom) but I was not

anxious to see my mom's reaction. So anyway, she's absolutely smitten

with my first child, a girl who is 20 months old. After I tell her

about being pregnant she tells me in that serious voice that

means 'This is what would be best for you',

" Well, if you find out you don't have time for A***, send her down

here. We'd like to have her until the baby is older "

If it had been anyone else saying that I'd think 'That's a weird thing

to joke about' of course with my mom she wasn't joking at all. Yeah,

after ruining my childhood let me hand over MY child to you, Crazy

woman.

I swear, I'm 31 and been married for 11 years and yet she manages to

make me having a second child sound irresponsible. I'm worried this

next kid will be the " black sheep " for her.

Anyone else had your parent try to take a child away from you? This

is kind of freaking me out.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Wenn, , and All,

These stories of nadas’ baby-snatching attempts are creepy. The phrase

“soul cannibals” came to mind. Would they feel the same about a

non-living object? They’d rather have someone else’s life and/or the

lives created by others. The concept and memories of my Witch nada’s

attempts at that with my life make my skin crawl. Some other species are

known for infanticide, but it seems only humans of the BPD variety can not

only commit infanticide, but infantilization of their own and others’

infants. I support all of you in protecting your dd’s and ds’s from the

BP’s and NP’s in your lives.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- wrote:

> Wow....that really sounds like something MY nada would say. I have a 2

> 1/2 year old little girl. I am 26, almost 27, and am married. My nada

> actually freaked out on me during labor because I had to have a

> c-section, telling me that she had a dream that I had to have a

> c-section and died, and that she adopted my baby. She was intensely

> jealous of the fact that my now-DH, then BF, was the person I chose to

> have with me in the OR. She was very(and this is an understatement)

> envious of the fact that I was pregnant, and she cannot have anymore

> children. She begrudged my DH every bit of involvement he had in my

> pregnancy, saying she thought that SHE would have more of a role. Since

> birth, she has begged to have my dd for a week or more. When I went nc,

> she and my stepdud(not a typo!) threatened to sue for grandparents'

> rights. When I offered them supervised visitation, they flat refused,

> saying that having someone besides me in the room with them was not the

> answer, and that they wanted to

> have her for a weekend. They have threatened to gain custody of not

> only my dd, but my brother's dd as well. So far, they have not

> succeeded.

> My advice is this...

> Do not let your nada get the best of you. While most people would

> probably laugh this kind of comment off, we KO's are in a unique

> situation. We are able to see it as a joke on the surface, but know that

> there is an underlying meaning. Make your position PERFECTLY clear to

> your nada. Let her know that no, they will not have your dd until the

> baby gets older. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone, nor do

> you have to justify your actions. Your child is YOUR child. Your nada

> had her opportunity to raise children, and now it is your turn.

> Good luck. I know this was probably a lot of babble, but it just

> reminded me a lot of my own nada's comments.

>

>

> wenn9366 wrote:

> I informed my mother last week that I'm pregnant (I had to tell her it

>

> was a GOOD thing). I'd already told everyone on my dh's side weeks

> ago (we live around them and 500 miles from my mom) but I was not

> anxious to see my mom's reaction. So anyway, she's absolutely smitten

> with my first child, a girl who is 20 months old. After I tell her

> about being pregnant she tells me in that serious voice that

> means 'This is what would be best for you',

> " Well, if you find out you don't have time for A***, send her down

> here. We'd like to have her until the baby is older "

> If it had been anyone else saying that I'd think 'That's a weird thing

> to joke about' of course with my mom she wasn't joking at all. Yeah,

> after ruining my childhood let me hand over MY child to you, Crazy

> woman.

>

> I swear, I'm 31 and been married for 11 years and yet she manages to

> make me having a second child sound irresponsible. I'm worried this

> next kid will be the " black sheep " for her.

>

> Anyone else had your parent try to take a child away from you? This

> is kind of freaking me out.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the

> Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

> community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author

> SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Non,

Thanks for your support. I think that having kids has definitely done

a number on me to step up the gravity of her bull.

Your post reminded me of a Rodney Dangerfield line from Caddy Shack-

'Now I know why tigers eat their young'. The person he addressed it

to, Ted White's wife, totally was a bp character/all good Spalding of

a bp set of grandparents - Ted White's character.

K

> > I informed my mother last week that I'm pregnant (I had to tell

her it

> >

> > was a GOOD thing). I'd already told everyone on my dh's side

weeks

> > ago (we live around them and 500 miles from my mom) but I was not

> > anxious to see my mom's reaction. So anyway, she's absolutely

smitten

> > with my first child, a girl who is 20 months old. After I tell

her

> > about being pregnant she tells me in that serious voice that

> > means 'This is what would be best for you',

> > " Well, if you find out you don't have time for A***, send her

down

> > here. We'd like to have her until the baby is older "

> > If it had been anyone else saying that I'd think 'That's a weird

thing

> > to joke about' of course with my mom she wasn't joking at all.

Yeah,

> > after ruining my childhood let me hand over MY child to you,

Crazy

> > woman.

> >

> > I swear, I'm 31 and been married for 11 years and yet she manages

to

> > make me having a second child sound irresponsible. I'm worried

this

> > next kid will be the " black sheep " for her.

> >

> > Anyone else had your parent try to take a child away from you?

This

> > is kind of freaking me out.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> > ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> > () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> > Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, "

> > (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

> > community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author

> > SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> >

> >

> >