Re: What would you do?

[Guest guest]

,

When I read your description of your old friend, my impression is of

someone who is not very reliable, who does not seem like a very

" caring " person, and who has let you down repeatedly. So, IMO, it's

not " holding a grudge " just to remember these things, when you are

trying to decide what to do. You just have...data on which to base

your decision.

Flea

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I just received an email from an old friend. Someone I went nc with

> the same time I did with nada. This isn't the first time she has

> reached out to me but it has been a while.

>

> She was one of my closest friends but I wonder if my fleas were

> responsible for attracting me to her. We were very tight together but

> my biggest issue was her uncanny ability to drop out of sight at the

> worst moments. Ie: When I got married she dropped out of being a

> bridesmaid because the dress cost too much. I offered to pay for it

> but she declined. No real reason. Then I found out she was planning

> a trip across the country. Not during my wedding but after ???? She

> attended the wedding but sat in the back and we didn't talk much.

>

> Then, she came back in to my life for a while until I got pregnant

> with my ds. Not even one phone call after he was born. I called her

> and she barely mentioned my kid. She had a habit of calling just when

> she needed her best bud to lift her up.

>

> Sometimes she would just say the most inappropriate things too. Like

> after she had laser eye surgery I said maybe i'd look into it too.

> Her response was I'd be 50 before I could afford something like that.

> WTF?

>

> I don't really think it was purposeful. I think she has had issues of

> her own. I was very angry at her at the same time all the sh** hit

> the fan with my nada and foo. I couldn't deal with her jealousy or

> resentment or whatever it was!

>

> Would you reconnect with an old friend like that? Maybe just to tell

> her why you no longer wish to remain friends. Or even give her

> another chance (on my terms of course)?

>

> Am I being petty? I feel bad for even remembering all the things she

> did " wrong " in such detail. Like I've been waiting and cataloguing a

> list of how she did me wrong - LOL. Maybe that's another one of my

> fleas. Nada would hold on and carry any little thing she thought had

> been done against her and pulled it out in every rage. I feel silly

> like maybe I am holding on to a grudge.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I don't think that your hesitation to rekindle a friendship with your

old friend

sounds like a flea. I have a couple of friends that I've purposely grown

distant from

because of that very kind of behavior. I live far away from them, so there's no

reason to

really insist on being NC per se. But I think you're right.

One of the friends that I'm kind of distant from was someone I was close with

since

kindergarten, believe it or not. The first time I decided that I didn't want to

be friends

anymore was in high school--and guess who talked me out of it? My nada. Your

friend

sounds a little nada-like in some ways. Using her when she needs you and showing

great

lack of concern for your needs and happiness, even at major life events.

My nada has always picked on me for " keeping a grudge " so I've had a lot of time

to think

about the right and wrong of remembering the " little details " that you talked

about. What I

think is this: 1. It isn't petty if it hurt your feelings. 2. It's perfectly

normal to stay angry

at or distrustful of someone who hurts you not once but repeatedly and then

doesn't even

try to understand your feelings or change her behavior.

You could always get in touch with her if that's what you feel like you want to

do, but I

don't see any reason why you should feel obligated to do it or feel guilty if

you decide not

to.

Trish

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I just received an email from an old friend. Someone I went nc with

> the same time I did with nada. This isn't the first time she has

> reached out to me but it has been a while.

>

> She was one of my closest friends but I wonder if my fleas were

> responsible for attracting me to her. We were very tight together but

> my biggest issue was her uncanny ability to drop out of sight at the

> worst moments. Ie: When I got married she dropped out of being a

> bridesmaid because the dress cost too much. I offered to pay for it

> but she declined. No real reason. Then I found out she was planning

> a trip across the country. Not during my wedding but after ???? She

> attended the wedding but sat in the back and we didn't talk much.

>

> Then, she came back in to my life for a while until I got pregnant

> with my ds. Not even one phone call after he was born. I called her

> and she barely mentioned my kid. She had a habit of calling just when

> she needed her best bud to lift her up.

>

> Sometimes she would just say the most inappropriate things too. Like

> after she had laser eye surgery I said maybe i'd look into it too.

> Her response was I'd be 50 before I could afford something like that.

> WTF?

>

> I don't really think it was purposeful. I think she has had issues of

> her own. I was very angry at her at the same time all the sh** hit

> the fan with my nada and foo. I couldn't deal with her jealousy or

> resentment or whatever it was!

>

> Would you reconnect with an old friend like that? Maybe just to tell

> her why you no longer wish to remain friends. Or even give her

> another chance (on my terms of course)?

>

> Am I being petty? I feel bad for even remembering all the things she

> did " wrong " in such detail. Like I've been waiting and cataloguing a

> list of how she did me wrong - LOL. Maybe that's another one of my

> fleas. Nada would hold on and carry any little thing she thought had

> been done against her and pulled it out in every rage. I feel silly

> like maybe I am holding on to a grudge.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Catbroad,

I, myself, wouldn't mention knowing about the BPD. I think it would just open

another can of worms but! I think you keeping a file of the mail is a great

idea! You have proof of her odd behavior and thats always a plus! (I never had

that available for me when it came to my nada) Nada's are great about giving

and then taking back. The fact that your own lawyer told you that they are your

things would be enough for me. Let her bring it on!! My nada gave my youngest

retired Beany Babies. About thirty of them. Then she decided that she wanted

some of them back. Sorry! Not gonna happen! lol

This was just an attempt by her, to " hoover " me back in after a year of NC.

Also...I've heard it mentioned more than once about something called a " cease

and desist " order. If what she is doing is getting you really frazzled, is it

possible to get something like that done thru your lawyer?

Just a thought,

catbroad wrote:

Hi:

It's been a while since I posted here...I have a question I hope

some of you can offer insight on..

About six years ago, I bought my first house and my mother gave me

my grandmother's china cabinet, along with some of her crystal and

knick knacks. These items mean a lot to me, as my grandmother

passed away several years ago, and I loved her very much. My

mother, on the other hand, has always made it very clear that she

hated my grandmother (her mother), even after her death. These

items are not really for use, but for looking at and remembering.

I am now NC and I have not spoken to her in almost a year. I have

let her know that I want no further contact, yet she continues to

harass me with letters and emails, asking for old pictures, dishes,

money that she feels I owe her (and I don't owe anything). I know

that this is a tactic to hurt me and I am tired of it. I just want

her to leave me and my family alone.

Recently, she asked for the return of the items in the china

cabinet. I consulted with an attorney and was told that legally, I

am not obligated to return them, which is a relief, but he said that

getting a restraining order would probably not be possible.

I have blocked her phone number so I don't get calls from her. I

have returned most of the mail I have received or I have thrown it

away although now I am keeping copies in a file just in case she

decides to " get legal " . Her notes and emails pretty much paint a

picture of someone with BPD. I am pretty sure that her disorder was

documented in her chart about two years ago during a hospital stay

for a surgery she had. My brother told me that the last time she was

admitted to the hospital for her hip replacement, that she asked the

check-in person to " please remove that 'BPD' from my chart - I don't

have that " or something to that affect, so I know that she's been

informed one way or another that she has the disorder.

Have any of you ever written a " legal-like " letter stating that you

want no further contact? If so, what exactly did you say? Should I

mention the fact that I know of her diagnosis of BPD? Can any of

you share the " template " of your letters (omitting dates, names,

etc)?

Thank you for any advice,

cb

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Hi Cat,

The board is so active these days! It's hard to get a response

sometimes. Right now I'm feeling very needy about it all; I have so

many painful things going on, and I feel I can't get enough of

everyone's input and validation. There are so many things I feel I

need to post!

I wish I could offer more insight into your own situation. So many

on the board are no contact. From my own experience, I think it's

best to *tell* nadas as little as possible about the boundaries one

is creating. And to phrase it in ways that don't involve judgments

of them. Because those are the things that trigger them like crazy,

and make them go ballistic on you. Their survival mechanisms kick

in, and they are literally trying to keep themselves from blowing up

into a million pieces. That is what they believe will happen if

they admit to having done any tiny thing to harm their precious

children.

From that perspective, I would resist getting a legal order unless

every single option is completely exhausted. Do you really think

nada is going to show up at your house with a weapon and try to

forcefully take her things back? If so, then get your order--if not

though, I think it would only trigger her further, and cause YOU

that much more trouble.

As far as phrasing rules in as little triggering mode as possible--I

would say treat it like a three year old. Tell her you won't be

discussing your grandma's things any more. Period. Refuse to tell

her why. Just keep changing the subject. Just refuse to discuss

it. Same with setting no contact rules. Just set the rules. Don't

give reasons. Just set them, ENFORCE them, and refuse to discuss it

any further. Telling her the reasons you are setting them--because

of her behaviour--that might comfort the children in you that ache

to express their anger and feel defended. But unfortunately,

because of the nature of bpd, it would only cause more harm than

good.

Hopefully a few others will give you some input too. Thanks for not

taking it personally! I know when I don't get a response, it really

sets off my 'rejection' trigger.

Take care

Charlie

> > Hi:

> >

> > It's been a while since I posted here...I have a question I hope

> > some of you can offer insight on..

> >

> > About six years ago, I bought my first house and my mother gave

me

> > my grandmother's china cabinet, along with some of her crystal

and

> > knick knacks. These items mean a lot to me, as my grandmother

> > passed away several years ago, and I loved her very much. My

> > mother, on the other hand, has always made it very clear that

she

> > hated my grandmother (her mother), even after her death. These

> > items are not really for use, but for looking at and

remembering.

> >

> >

> > I am now NC and I have not spoken to her in almost a year. I

have

> > let her know that I want no further contact, yet she continues

to

> > harass me with letters and emails, asking for old pictures,

> dishes,

> > money that she feels I owe her (and I don't owe anything). I

know

> > that this is a tactic to hurt me and I am tired of it. I just

> want

> > her to leave me and my family alone.

> >

> >

> > Recently, she asked for the return of the items in the china

> > cabinet. I consulted with an attorney and was told that

legally,

> I

> > am not obligated to return them, which is a relief, but he said

> that

> > getting a restraining order would probably not be possible.

> >

> > I have blocked her phone number so I don't get calls from her.

I

> > have returned most of the mail I have received or I have thrown

it

> > away although now I am keeping copies in a file just in case she

> > decides to " get legal " . Her notes and emails pretty much paint

a

> > picture of someone with BPD. I am pretty sure that her disorder

> was

> > documented in her chart about two years ago during a hospital

stay

> > for a surgery she had. My brother told me that the last time she

> was

> > admitted to the hospital for her hip replacement, that she asked

> the

> > check-in person to " please remove that 'BPD' from my chart - I

> don't

> > have that " or something to that affect, so I know that she's

been

> > informed one way or another that she has the disorder.

> >

> > Have any of you ever written a " legal-like " letter stating that

> you

> > want no further contact? If so, what exactly did you say?

Should

> I

> > mention the fact that I know of her diagnosis of BPD? Can any

> of

> > you share the " template " of your letters (omitting dates, names,

> > etc)?

> >

> > Thank you for any advice,

> >

> > cb

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> >

> >

> >