Re: Re: Intimacy and KOs -- Kerrie and Trish

[Guest guest]

Kerrie and Trish,

Thanks for sharing these things about yourselves. It helps me understand

myself better. I especially relate to the fear of losing myself. I can

be very social, yet there's always that fear in me. Dealing well with

that fear always gives me good feelings.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- Kerrie wrote:

> Yes, I was like this until I finally let it sink in that I'm not like

> my nada and that I didn't make decisions like her. I was unfortunately

> engaged once to a bp, but was smart enough to call that off before it

> was too late. Plus I started dating him when I moved back home to help

> my younger brother (was suicidal after I left and nada turned her rage

> on him- was always the favored nation kid until I left and she had no

> one to badger). And so I figured out that when I was around nada and

> the foo enough, i tended to attract dysfunctional people in my private

> life. And so when I moved away to college, it was not a terrible

> surprise that the people I pulled in had issues but were far from being

> bpd. I decided somewhere in my late 20s that I DID make right decisions

> for me in so far as the relationships I pulled into me (be they my

> bestfriends or other guys I dated where it didn't work out- no drama

> except w/the x-fiance- most I'm still friends w/to varying degrees and

> no hardcore dramatic ending when it didn't work out- just a fizzle

> which I prefer). And so when I contemplated marrying my dh, it was an

> issue of me making right choices for me and knowing that it was suppose

> to be. Of course we had a lot of rough spots in the beginning and

> almost ended more than a few times, but I think it was a lot of issues

> on both our parts from our past. In the end, I still like my dh VERY

> much as a person. He's got issues, but I've yet to meet a person who

> didn't.

>

> I think when I realized I didn't have to surround myself w/the reality

> of the FOO and found out there are a vast different number of types of

> people out there, then I learned to trust myself w/making good

> decisions and then commitment wasn't as fearful. I was, however, very

> noncommital in my younger age for good reason. I wasn't safe for

> others and donb't think I'd pull anyone in my life who was stable- just

> more repeat of drama and that's why I only had one long term

> relationship in high school when I live w/the FOO and that DID end

> dramatically and very bpdish. I'm still noncomittal to varying degrees

> w/showing up late and not wanting to overcommit myself to too many

> groups or functions. I like my freedom. Fortunately I married someone

> who also likes their down time/alone time. We do have lots of friends

> by I pull myself back when I see I start overcommitting to doing too

> much stuff as I am fearful of trying to 'please' everyone at the

> expense of myself. I would say that is a major KO issue as well as BP

> issue- fearful of losing self. However, I find a main difference

> between nada and I in that regard is that b/c I am afraid of

> engulfment, I tend not to overcommit or lose myself in the first place.

> I take my time and if people don't like it or respect it, they hit the

> door running b/c I'm libel to tell them don't let it hit you in the

> backside on the way out. I'm not easily guilted or persuaded or pushed

> into doing things I don't want- my natural rebelliousness from being

> the all bad child and having lots of experience w/digging my heals in.

> I am, however, prone towards flattery and inclusion and know this

> weakness of mine and the deep seated need to feel part of something

> larger than self by what I was denied in childhood and so when I find

> myself overcommitting and feeling like I'm starting to get burned out,

> I just pull back a little, reassess myself and see why I think everyone

> needs to rely on me or like me, and then just go from there w/the

> commitments I really want to keep. I think I'm very fortunate in that

> my friends understand this and never put pressure on me to be somewhere

> or do something I just am not up for doing that day. My friends respect

> my schedule and inturn I respect their's. Sometimes we won't see each

> other for months but talk on the phone or email and that's okay as its

> hard enough being a full time mom w/o trying to live up to these stupid

> roles that people believe we SAHMS sit around all day eating bon-bons.

> Yes, I do have more time than most, but I also take it very seriously

> caring for my kids. That comes first and foremost and some days I don't

> even feel like I'm that good at being a SAHM. BUT my kids are so well-

> adjusted and so happy overall that I know I've struck a good balancing

> act. Just sometimes I get out of balance and have to pull myself in. I

> think lots of people are this way though- KO or not.

>

> Anyway, gotta run. 2 year old trying to pull the dsl connection out.

> lol.

> Kerrie

>

> >

> > Hello everyone,

> >

> > One of my major fleas was that I was really mega fearful of intimacy.

> > Maybe fearful of being intimate and then them turning out like Yeti.

> > Well, if they were like Yeti they wouldn't see me for dust, but there

> > was (is?) still a residual fear there.

> >

> > Have any other KOs had a bit of

> >

> > Send instant messages to your online friends

> http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

> >

>

>

>

>

>

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