Re: Educational Materials

[Guest guest]

,

Understanding the Borderline Mother is the book where I thought they

had followed my mother around throughout my childhood and personally

interviewed my dad. )

The problem is that if your fiance isn't interested in reading any of

it, you can't force him. I was lucky in that I found out about

Borderline when I was getting my Master's Degree in School

Counseling. No one had to chase me down with it. What a shock to

sit in class and have the prof. start describing my mother. Yikes!

The website www.BPDCentral.com has lots of references and

information. If he just is against reading a whole book and is still

interested in BPD as it relates to his mother, this may be a better

place to steer him. Or he could just jump in and read a few of our

stories. You could go to our messages on the yahoo group and find a

few that sound like his mom, then print them to get him interested...

As far as an educational video, I don't have a clue. If she's

abusive, then the Mommie Dearest is about a Witch BPD (Joan

Crawford). There are a bunch of movies that we all agree show BPD

characters, such as Because I Said So (this one made me squirm - I

was trapped watching it with my in-laws and tried not to look like I

was being driven insane). We had a thread in here not too long ago

about movies with BPD characters, including Happy Potter's parents.

Maybe this is something to look into for you.

Hope this helps,

Cheryl

>

> I am looking for some educational materials on BPD for my fiance.

I am

> almost positive his mother is borderline. No, I take that back. I

am

> positive his mother is borderline. She meets 8 of the 9 criteria.

>

> I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Emotional Blackmail, and

have

> done a ton of independent research. He doesn't want to read any of

the

> books, though. I think he feels guilty somehow. However, he has

no

> problem discussing BPD with me. This makes me think if I could

find a

> documentary or something we could watch together, he'd be willing

to

> watch it. I know there has to be stuff out there. There are

probably

> even videos people watch in classrooms about BPD. But I can't find

> anything.

>

> Do any of you have any suggestions or know where I can find what

I'm

> looking for?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for that. I'll look for that thread.

He's really just hates to read. On any topic, but especially one

that makes him feel guilty. And unfortunately, he's not too internet

savvy. I did print off the second review on amazon.com to the book

Surviving a Borderline Parent because it sounded like he could have

written it.

My biggest thing with him is he needs to have something (other than

me) describing how to interact with his mom. He's very argumentative

with her. I think he has this " I know you are going to hurt me, so

I'm going to hurt you first " thing going with her. And I totally

understand why, but it pretty much guarentees a major outburst every

time he visits her. They pick and pick at each other trying to prove

the other one wrong, about anything. It doesn't matter what, so long

as they win. She tries to prove he treats her badly. He tries to

prove she lies. Its just awful. I keep thinking if I can get him to

watch (or by some far stretch, read - but since that is so unlikely,

I'm aiming for watch) something " official " about dealing with them,

he might be more willing to put it into practice.

> >

> > I am looking for some educational materials on BPD for my

fiance.

> I am

> > almost positive his mother is borderline. No, I take that back.

I

> am

> > positive his mother is borderline. She meets 8 of the 9 criteria.

> >

> > I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Emotional Blackmail, and

> have

> > done a ton of independent research. He doesn't want to read any

of

> the

> > books, though. I think he feels guilty somehow. However, he has

> no

> > problem discussing BPD with me. This makes me think if I could

> find a

> > documentary or something we could watch together, he'd be willing

> to

> > watch it. I know there has to be stuff out there. There are

> probably

> > even videos people watch in classrooms about BPD. But I can't

find

> > anything.

> >

> > Do any of you have any suggestions or know where I can find what

> I'm

> > looking for?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You know, I'd go kind of slow with this.

For example, when I first got engaged, I really disliked a particular

friend of my husband. When I first saw him (we bumped into him in a

store) I actually grabbed my husband's arm to pull him away, since my

" crazy " radar was going off wildly just looking at the guy. Imagine my

horror when they greeted each other as bosom buddies!

The guy had been going gradually downhill for years, I could just see

it better than his old friends could.

I made the mistake of trying to instantly seperate them, " protect " my

fiance from the friend by barring him from our home (he was very

manipulative and took advantage of hubby in numerous ways) It totally

backfired, made me look like a control freak and villian. No-one in

their social circle was willing to believe me when I pointed out his

craziness. I looked like the crazy one, trying to control my hubby.

I should have taken it slower. It didn't take long for the guy's

craziness to come into full flower, destroying his marriage, business,

and all his old friendships.

So, when eventually I met my hubby's family and realized they, too,

had serious issues, I took a different tack.

I gently pointed out things that bothered me, such as " I wish your mom

listened to you more. You are doing so well in your career, but she

doesn't seem to want to listen or ask any questions about it. It

bothers me, because you deserve to have her be proud of you ... " or

" They left you kids alone in the house while they went on vacation? I

don't care how " unusually mature " your mom says you were, you just

don't leave a 10 year old in charge of his younger siblings for a

week! What if something had gone wrong? What a burden to have placed

on you.... "

That sort of thing. He's gradually come around, seen the troubles,

started standing up to them, started naming their behavior for

himself. I've realized it's something people have to do on their own

time - no matter how much I want to yell " Can't you see? It's so

OBVIOUS your mom has NPD! "

I would worry about setting up a dynamic where marrying you feels like

rejecting his whole family. Labelling a parent " borderline " can be a

relief for some, but also entails a lot of guilt and sorrow. He just

might not be ready to do it, and you can't really force someone.

People have to come to these realizations on their own. A little

gentle nudging can go a long way, though.

Haven't you had the experience in your own life of having a friend

gently point out a problem, and you might reject their advice at

first, but it just sort of percolates inside you until you are ready

to acknowledge it and make a change?

It's hard, if you feel like his mom is hurting him (and you) but you

might have to take it slower. I like the idea of premartial

counseling. It might come better from a counsellor than from you, and

they might help you look into any baggage from your own past that

would effect the marriage.

It would also help you approach the problem as a team. One priceless

bit of martial advice I got it that men enjoy solving problems, but

dislike following orders. So you say " I notice the shower is dripping,

how can we fix it? " Not " I bought a new showerhead, please install it

tomorrow " . So with his mom the approach might be, " I notice your mom

does X, why do you think that happens? " not " Your mom has BPD, you

must accept this fact before we are wed. "

Letty

> >

> > I am looking for some educational materials on BPD for my fiance.

> I am

> > almost positive his mother is borderline. No, I take that back. I

> am

> > positive his mother is borderline. She meets 8 of the 9 criteria.

> >

> > I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Emotional Blackmail, and

> have

> > done a ton of independent research. He doesn't want to read any of

> the

> > books, though. I think he feels guilty somehow. However, he has

> no

> > problem discussing BPD with me. This makes me think if I could

> find a

> > documentary or something we could watch together, he'd be willing

> to

> > watch it. I know there has to be stuff out there. There are

> probably

> > even videos people watch in classrooms about BPD. But I can't find

> > anything.

> >

> > Do any of you have any suggestions or know where I can find what

> I'm

> > looking for?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I totally agree with Letty. Don't push him too much. Let him come to

it more on his own. Make your OWN boundaries firm.

> > >

> > > I am looking for some educational materials on BPD for my fiance.

> > I am

> > > almost positive his mother is borderline. No, I take that back. I

> > am

> > > positive his mother is borderline. She meets 8 of the 9 criteria.

> > >

> > > I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Emotional Blackmail, and

> > have

> > > done a ton of independent research. He doesn't want to read any of

> > the

> > > books, though. I think he feels guilty somehow. However, he has

> > no

> > > problem discussing BPD with me. This makes me think if I could

> > find a

> > > documentary or something we could watch together, he'd be willing

> > to

> > > watch it. I know there has to be stuff out there. There are

> > probably

> > > even videos people watch in classrooms about BPD. But I can't find

> > > anything.

> > >

> > > Do any of you have any suggestions or know where I can find what

> > I'm

> > > looking for?

> > >

> >

>