What is a Mother- WASRe: Dealing w/ family member's denial and with my own fleas

[Guest guest]

I loved that movie too. The Joy Luck Club is one of my aunts and my

bonding movies- that and Thelma and Louise as they both came out when

we lived together when she was in her early 30s and newly divorced

and I was straight out of high school.

I'm not sure though that all mother-daughter relationships are so

intense and complicated. I've got several friends and even my sister

in law who do not seem to have these mother-daughter hang ups and

didn't go through great levels of turmoil to find peace with the

mother daughter relationship. Actually I probably have more friends

in my life who do NOT have that kind of relationship than who do have

that. I think perhaps it has been my defense mechanism to seek out

women who have integrated their feminity from good role models in the

women they call mother.

I don't see a lot similarities in the way I was raised and the way my

closest friends were raised. There have been issues of feminity and

suppression and repression and whatnot that the movie Joy Luck Club

touched on in these women's lives, but in the end, I don't sense any

bp issues. Rather I see the struggle of going on and making the world

better than they found it. I don't know a lot of my friend's mothers

to be truly selfish people like my mother. I see rather that the

sacrifices they've made were for the future rather than in holding

onto a bad past (and plenty of my friend's mothers had difficulties

in growing up- ones mother's father was an alcoholic who abused the

kids, my mother in law had intense trauma in her childhood from

living through the Baton Death March and having to rescue her

siblings when her dad went off the deep end after her mom's death; my

best friend now has a mom whose mother was institutionalized back

when that just never happened; and then another friend whose mom gave

her first born up for adoption b/c she got pregnant out of wedlock in

the 60s and her parents made her). Everyone has a story. I've heard a

lot of interesting stories about not only survival but victory and

humanity and love. I have unconsciously surrounded myself w/women

whose mothers have endured what I have endured and in meeting and

befriending these women I have also learned what kind of daughters

women like these have- strong, nurturing, accepting, confident,

quirky, loving, etc.

I guess I believe that when a child is loved, the battle for

individuation need not be as strong and intense and as complicated as

it is for the bp mother. I never want to be my childrens' best

friend. I hope I raise them well enough to make their own friends. I

know I will not always be needed like I am right now for their

immediate needs, but I also know I never want them to look at me as

anyone other than their mother. Even when they become parents, they

will need a good mother (they will not need a bad one though- better

no mother than a bad one) to help show them the ropes just as my

mother in law has done and even my friends mothers that I mentioned

(one actually hand made a beautiful quilt for my first born- my

mother has made one quilt and that was for her parents as she lives

in the past and yet these other friends mothers are not the same.

They have roots so that their children and the future can spread

wings and honestly, I've been taken under many a wing in that regard-

more than I deserve and more than I ever hoped for.)

I think this post has made me realize that what I lack in the way of

a mother on earth as nada is certifiably crazy, I have been more

blessed than most with other people's mothers mothering me and

showing me what true motherhood is. I do not remotely believe now, at

middle life perhaps, that motherhood starts or finishes when one has

children. Motherhood is something I learned when I was a child and

realized something wasn't quite right w/my mom and I had to step up

to the plate for my younger brother. I see in my friends mothers that

their role of motherhood is far from limited to loving just simply

their own children, but welcoming many a friends into that circle and

embracing them as family.

Love ALWAYS has disappointments- be it marriage, friendship or

parenthood. No relationship is immune to that. What I hope to impart

upon my children that was not taught to me is that it is NOT only

disappointment but perserverance and more good times than

disappointments. I've already disappointed my kids as there's no way

I can make toast cook in 2 seconds when they want it now and expect

me to deliver b/c I'm like some demi-god in their minds. I love them

anyway. I want them to love anyway too. And some day they will hurt

me, of that I'm most sure, with the realization that I'm only human.

I see that in the distance and I hope when I cross that bridge that I

can abdicate the throne with grace for the next generation- to know

that I've been rooted enough in reality that they too can spread

their wings and fly off and some day see their children's

disillusionment as well. It is part and parcel of the cycle of life.

My mother doesn't get it and never will. She maintains this holding

onto youth that is very ugly if you ask me- this childlike immaturity

that makes it so nothing can grow as she's an anomoly to parenthood.

My disillusionment is far from the norm, but rather a facing of

mental illness issues that need to be faced so that hopefully my

children will just be merely disillusioned rather than neurotic like

I think I was for a few years (anxiety, depression, whatnot).

But I did love that movie. It had a lot of great cultural and

generational lessons as well as some timeless elements as all the

women were so different and I think all women are different. I think

I need to rent it again even though it is always such a tear jerker-

more so now that I realized I don't really have a mom as that movie

really helped me hold onto an illusion- a reality others may have but

that I just won't have. I don't want to torment me anymore with what

I don't have. I realize in this post, I've got a lot more than I

realize in the way of other mothers and that makes me a very

fortunate person.

Thanks.

Kerrie

> > >

> > > I've been lurking here for only a few days and hadn't planned

> to post

> > > yet, but I couldn't help it when I read the last part of this

post ...

> > > I too have a HF, UBP mother who sounds very similar to yours --

> > > although I haven't gotten to the point of " not pretending " with

her

> > > anymore (kudos to you). I have 2 kids, age 3 and 1, and my

greatest

> > > fear was that I would do to them what she did to me ... I

wasn't even

> > > sure I wanted to have kids (but my husband was) and spent my

first

> > > pregnancy in a terrible depression mostly because of these

fears.

> > > But after my son was born, it didn't take long for me to

realize that

> > > wasn't going to happen -- the love I felt for him from the

start was

> > > so real, and so untainted by any kind of negative feelings, and

pretty

> > > soon I began to feel confident in my mothering skills (and like

you,

> > > for me even " mother " is a loaded word). I feel sad that my

mother

> > > didn't teach me anything about mothering except how NOT to do

it --

> > > but she didn't have to. The beauty of it is, if you are capable

of

> > > seeing your children as wonderful individuals with their own

rights

> > > and idiosyncrasies and personal autonomy, rather than

extensions of

> > > you or pawns for you to manipulate against their father (or

whatever

> > > your mother did with you), you WILL be able to have a healthy,

> > > securely attached (but not overly protective) relationship with

them.

> > > That's not to say I don't feel anxious and disappointed with

myself

> > > when I get frustrated with the kids -- but you know what,

babies and

> > > toddlers (and I'm sure older kids too!) can be really

frustrating and

> > > everyone loses their cool sometimes. The difference is that you

KNOW

> > > when you're losing your cool, you take steps to try to prevent

it

> > > (time out or whatever), and if you do snap at them you do it

ONCE

> > > rather than ranting and raving for days on end (and you

apologize

> > > afterwards). The fact that you are even aware that you don't

want to

> > > be that way is the best sign that it won't happen. (My mother

still

> > > thinks she is, and always was, a great mother.)

> > > You didn't say how old your baby is -- but soon you will have a

> > > brand-new storehouse of happy memories of your wonderful times

with

> > > him and all the cute things he says and does. The really sad

thing is,

> > > I am still sometimes surprised at the depth of my kids' love

for me --

> > > the way the baby climbs in my lap and kisses me, or how my son

has

> > > recently taken to declaring " Mommy is my best friend " --

because I

> > > feel so little love for my own mother.

> > > In the meantime, it might help to have a friend come over

occasionally

> > > to help you out when your husband isn't around. Do you have

friends

> > > with young kids? Watching them, too, will help you get a

reality check

> > > on how non-BPs relate to their babies, and help you feel more

> > > confident that you're on the right track.

> > > Sorry for the long response, but you touched a chord in me. I

hope

> > > this helps at all --

> > > Ruth

> > >

> > >

> > > > OK sorry to be so long winded, but the other problem I'm

dealing

> with

> > > > is very hard to discuss.

> > > > I'm so scared I'm going to be mean to my son!

> > > > Sometimes, especially when I'm tired I feel like I'm losing my

> > > > patience with him.

> > > > I would rather die than know I ever inflicted any harm to

him, and

> > > > I've gone to counseling and discussed this.

> > > > But I need to know if anyone can anyone relate?

> > > > I want to be a good mother, but the word mother is so laden

with bad

> > > > connotations...where do I go with all this?

> > > > How have you dealt with this?

> > > > My husband is hardly ever home, and i don't have my family to

help,

> > > > and neither does he.

> > > > So sometimes I worry I can get overwhelmed easily, and that's

a

> set up

> > > > for repeating the patterns I've seen.

> > > > Late at night when I'm up tending to my baby, it's like my

mind is

> > > > haunted with flashbacks of the horrible things Nada did to me,

> things

> > > > I had forgotten or didn't realize had happnened. It's like

having a

> > > > baby openned up a vault of memories that had been locked away

> for years.

> > > > Help!

> > > > Carry

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >