new introduction

[Guest guest]

hi to everyone!

my name is Graham, i'm 22. i've only recently become aware of what

autism truly means. i found myself in a situation where i felt

outside myself, observing my own behaviour objectively... and as i

have been for years, noting how similar i behave at times to what

i've seen described as an odd way. it occured to me to

Google " autism " . i've been reading all day and have quite frankly

been shocked by the number of sentences i have read which i myself

could have written verbatim to describe my exact experiences and

thoughts.

i perform very well academically, scored high on the WISC test with

highest results in pattern matching and spatial skills, and now that

i've grown out of that gawky teenage ugly duck thing, am reasonably

physically attractive.... yet from high school and beyond, I have

constantly battled an intensely crippling inability to simply

communicate on a day to day basis with people, even my friends and

family (before high school i was largely isolated, and thus didn't

really come to be aware of how much difficulty i would have until i

reached high school and university, even more so...)

my closest friends and even my own mother have described me

as 'selfish' yet 'oblivious' on numerous occasions... it pains me to

hear that only in the sense i do not usually feel remorse for it as

i should -- i know it is simply how i am, and i cannot change it. i

don't intend to be, and i know i often appear naive and unaware -- i

can sometimes sense as though removed from myself while feebly

interacting in social situations how inept i seem. i have never

understood why i seem to have this fundamental difficulty with simply

TALKING to people, yet can lecture almost without end in ranting,

lucid monologues...

i have battled this by learning with my usual single-minded focus

how to emulate typical social behaviour. ironically (or maybe not

so, given what seems to be an austic strength in logic and analysis)

i even wrote a 30,000 word book on it in my last year of study..

a " how to " manual of seduction. my emulation is now at a level that

even my circle of friends, who have been bluntly honest about my

ineptness from time to time, have told me " creepy Graham " has

disappeared from their awareness. yet... i still know it is mostly

an act, just one i am proficient at now when the time calls. i can

still only handle small doses... once drained, i retreat and often

drive alone hundreds of kilometers away from the city to just sit

and think.

what i've read online has been intensely enlightening!

before today i had no idea there could be a rationale explanation

for my seemingly abnormal self-absorption... it is my hope that

this group can continue to help us understand each other!

Graham

[Guest guest]

Graham wrote:

> hi to everyone!

From what you wrote about yourself, it sounds like you came

to the right place, and it sounds like you'll fit right in.

Welcome, Graham.

Clay