Guest guest Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 , A mug with your name in big letters is the perfect reward for working through this. Good for you! Sylvia > > I've been reading all the stuff about how so many of us KOs feel > different and unworthy compared to the rest of humanity, and it's > been hitting me really hard, because despite being a high self- esteem > over-achiever in one compartment of my brain, I also have those > feelings of not being normal, of not being entitled to things that > normal people take for granted. > > So this weird, freaky thing happened yesterday... > > At my office, the kitchen is quite far away from my desk (downstairs > and down the hall), so I usually store my personal mugs in the > kitchen (there's plenty of room, some others keep theirs in the > kitchen too, some people keep theirs at their desks). When I first > started I wrote my name on the bottom of my mugs in permanent marker, > and over time it had gradually worn off, with the result that people > were using my mugs, which I don't really mind, but they all (3 of > them) have sentimental value and I don't want to lose them. So, I > got another permanent marker and re-wrote my name on the bottoms. > This marker had a much broader tip than the old one, so my name had > to be bigger to be legible. I was setting the mugs, bottom-up on the > mat just like all the others, after I'd done this and while I was > doing that I heard this crazy little voice in my head that saying: > > " Are you sure you should be doing that? You don't want to offend > people my making them read your name written so big and making such a > big deal about YOUR mugs! " > > And, because of what I've been reading here, and what I've been > doing in therapy lately, for the first time in my life I heard that > little voice in my head clearly and consciously (instead of just half- > blocking it out and obeying) and I realized how totally crazy that > is. It's full of sick nada-messages like: > > 1. People will be offended and angry if you remind them that you > exist. > > 2. People will be even more offended if you act like you think you > have a RIGHT to exist and be a normal person with normal privileges. > > 3. How DARE you think that you deserve to aggressively (nada- voice's > word, not mine!) assert your ownership of these mugs? > > This hit me so hard I literally almost fainted. I felt " weak in the > knees " the rest of the day. The scary part is that I've been > listening to that message, and obeying it sort of semi- consciously, > my whole life. And what now leaves me both angry and relieved is > that when, as a result of this " How dare you exist? " programming, I > ended up just being generally scared of life (how could I not be, > really?), she brutally humiliated me for being such a " coward " . > > This so completely explains why sometimes I get inexplicably scared > about doing normal, ordinary things. > > So, I've decided to go out and buy or make myself a new coffee mug, > with my name in large letters on the SIDE!!! Take THAT, nada! :-) > > Hugs, > > > p.s. Last night I was telling DH this story, and he asked me, " So > how big did you write your name? " I said I thought the letters might > be 3/4 inch. Today I actually measured -- on the biggest mug they're > about 1/3 inch. Just goes to show how deep the KO " paranoid > distortion " goes :-) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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