Re: do you ever feel like you aren't like everyone else?

[Guest guest]

, I'd say that most of what you described I can relate to.

There are definitely times when I feel I'm different--for a variety of

reasons.

My husband and I don't live near public transport, but we have only

one car that we share(which is rare where we live). We also have no

cell phones (gasp). I don't like having too much junk in our house

and we have a pretty serious budget--we have plenty of $, we just

don't like to spend it frivolously.

I think half of my issues with things and possessions comes from a

sense of disgust at the way my nada hordes her possessions and at the

way she cumpulsively spends at the expense of the family's security

and happiness. Also, just being in my parent's house, you feel choked

by their many possessions--I feel like too many things are just a

burden. The other half of my issue with material things is as you put

it, feeling unworthy. But I've been working on that. I am trying to

buy myself things more regularly(clothes, makeup, haircuts, cold

medication). These are things I don't " need " to survive but are

things that most people would buy themselves w/o thinking twice. I

grew up thinking I didn't deserve it and also not trusting it--because

any help I received--including medical care--had strings attatched.

I'm also very hesitant to take out loans for a house and never keep a

balance on my credit cards. I know this makes me different--but at

least for this, I don't care. It's a choice I've made and I think

there's nothing wrong with it. The part I worry about is the feeling

of not deserving things--so I'm working on that.

As for feeling " girly " I think there are several people on this board

who have mentioned feeling alienated from people of the same sex. I

am certainly one of them. I had almost no girl friends in high school

--I did finally make some in college, but I have a hard time being

around people that are really girly--I just don't know how to feel--or

perhaps I don't know who I am--I feel like if I'm a woman, then why am

I not like these other women. . .I think it's an uncomfortable feeling

indeed.

I hear you on not feeling worthy or equal to others too. I think

intellectually I know better, but it's this irational, and somewhat

mysterious fear that keeps comming back for me. I have to say though,

it's improved a lot since I started taking steps to handle my anxiety

in general, which I have a problem with. I find that now that I can

just feel more at ease while I'm around groups of people, the

socializing part comes much more naturally. I think for a while, I

was just so stressed out and overwhelmed that it was very difficult

for me to conect with others(think of things to say, laugh at jokes

etc.) I just stopped being good at it and I also lost the will. It's

better now, though--so there is hope.

Thanks for your post--I've actually been feeling this way a lot

lately, different, not as good. It alarms me to have low self-esteem.

I think that might need to be one of my areas for growth in the near

future.

Trish

[Guest guest]

mkatplustwo wrote: It is actually getting

worse as I get

older when most women I talk to says it lessens as they age.

Hi, !

I hope you get some good responses on your post. I, too, have definitely

struggled with feeling " different " from others--oftentimes feeling " alienated "

or not quite fitting in. Over the years I have concluded that (in my case) it

is mostly illusory. For the most part, people do like me, I'm about as likeable

as the average person, even if I don't always feel that way!

So these days, when I have a day when I feel like I am not " fitting in " --I

realize (1) it is a temporary thing--next week or next month I might feel

differently; (2) something might be going on in my life that is causing me to

feel alienated from people (like some of my KO issues)--and not necessarily

that OTHER people are distancing themselves from ME. I'm the one who is doing

it. And once I resolve my issue, the other people are " still there. " They never

went away.

Another aspect is, I (probably like many KOs) have had some depression at

times. With mood issues--when you're in the midst of it ( this is true for me,

anyway) it seems like I have " always " felt this way. So I would have this

feeling that I " always " felt like an oddball or that I " never " fit in. And I

genuinely felt that way, at the time. I couldn't remember feeling otherwise.

But sometimes (for me, I'm not speaking for you), it was my mood talking, not

reality.

Also, I wanted to reassure you about the statement you made (I snipped it

above). I have heard that too, from several women. However, the women I heard

this from, were describing a turning point that happened in their lives, maybe

around menopause, or when their kids left home--around age fifty. And you were

mentioning walking with your baby daughter, so I don't think you have hit that

phase yet! ;-) So, that might happen later on!

Be well,

Flea

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Yes, I used to feel that way, and this was one of the first things

that I worked on - way before I knew anything about BPD - back when

I was focused on 'fixing' myself. I can tell you that this can

change - it certainly did for me. As I was thinking about this,

though, here is the progression as it happened in my life. Ages 20 -

35, thought I was way different from everyone else, and was

constantly afraid that they would find out, and then - well - I

would truely be ostracized. Ages 35 - 50/55 - finally realized and

accepted that I was the same as everyone else. And now, at age 60,

I realize I am different - but to the extent that we are all

different! We are all unique and have our own special contribution

to the world. Don't worry about being different - it is a good

thing! (Love Martha S. for coining that phrase!)

The way I worked this all out was to logically explore the

situation. Logic helped me a great deal in that 34 - 50 period.

Then, of course, I had to get back in touch with feeling what I

logically understood.

As far as why do we feel so different....I think this is because our

nadas and fadas so completely negated our perceptions. They told us

we were different by doing this. If we had parent who confirmed our

perceptions, we may not be dealing with this issue.

The fact that your marriage, your financial status and other things

are 'different from the norm' is a testament to your healing. I

have stated in another post that I belive when KOs do heal, we

really get ahead of the game.

For the things that you are concerned about - applying for a loan

for instance - it has helped me to think of those things as an

adventure. I recently was able to purchase my own home - what an

experience. I was worried that I would feel bad about this not

happening until later in my life. But I decided that late is better

than never, and that my money was just as good as anyone else's.

Try not to compare yourself with friends - but just with yourself -

and you will see how far you have come.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I was taking a walk with my baby girl today and my thoughts were

racing.

>

> I feel very different from other people or at least I percieve I am

> different. On the outside I obviously look the same and act the

same.

> I just don't feel like I belong in most places.

>

> Like where my marriage is concerned. I am realizing it is very

unlike

> most out there. Dh and I tell each other everything. I mean full

> disclosure on every aspect of my life. And we talk incessantly.

Or

> at least I do and he listens (lol) though lately he is coming up

with

> a few good theories on his own. There is a closeness that I am not

> seeing in the relationships of many of my friends and

aquaintances.

>

> We are about halfway saved up for a new house. We live in a very

> large city and live on a subway line so we never bothered buying a

> car. These aren't such a big deal in and of themselves but I

almost

> feel like those normal life progressions (or purchases) are off

limits

> to me. Like I don't deserve it or it's too complicated and

dangerous

> to get into. I feel like most of my friends have moved on to " the

> next step " and I am stuck. In many ways I don't feel old enough or

> worthy to do so. I get really scared going into a bank to talk to

> loan officers. I feel like they will reject us (there is no reason

> they would). It is very strange.

>

> It's not even just that. I feel physically different too. I never

> felt very " girly " and while it wasn't a big deal before I am now

> having a hard time fitting in to groups. I can be very self

> conscious. It seems so silly. It is actually getting worse as I

get

> older when most women I talk to says it lessens as they age.

>

> How do you all deal with self esteem? I feel like I have a decent

> grip on other area's of my life but in the pit of my soul I just

never

> feel worthy or equal to others. I am the type to apologize to

someone

> who stepped on my foot for getting in their way.

>

> Is there some way to get this " I don't deserve... " mantra out of my

> head. All these friggin years of therapy and I still have no idea

how

> to " fix " this.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> I feel very different from other people or at least I percieve I am

> different. On the outside I obviously look the same and act the same.

> I just don't feel like I belong in most places.

>

I always thought of myself as different. Mother Dearest said it was

because I was " sensitive " - LOL

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

- i comletely understand where you are coming from...i am

studying in Australia right now, and I am here on a program, but

essentially on my own...i continue to find myself second guessing

others' actions...do they not want me to hang out? do they say stuff

when i'm gone? and like you, i think its silly and i try to wipe the

thoughts out of my mind...but they continue regardless. i catch

myself feeling like i don't fit in, especially here, because i am an

american...but its weird...because i have the confidence to come

here ... as you have the confidence to live your life, but you are

right that it is a weird unexplainable feeling of not fitting in,

when you feel as though you should...i wish i had the answer, but i

look forward to reading other posts, this really helped me to see

that others are going through the same thing...i hope we can all

reach out and obtain that life that we deserve.

cheers,

alyssa

>

> I was taking a walk with my baby girl today and my thoughts were

racing.

>

> I feel very different from other people or at least I percieve I am

> different. On the outside I obviously look the same and act the

same.

> I just don't feel like I belong in most places.

>

> Like where my marriage is concerned. I am realizing it is very

unlike

> most out there. Dh and I tell each other everything. I mean full

> disclosure on every aspect of my life. And we talk incessantly.

Or

> at least I do and he listens (lol) though lately he is coming up

with

> a few good theories on his own. There is a closeness that I am not

> seeing in the relationships of many of my friends and

aquaintances.

>

> We are about halfway saved up for a new house. We live in a very

> large city and live on a subway line so we never bothered buying a

> car. These aren't such a big deal in and of themselves but I

almost

> feel like those normal life progressions (or purchases) are off

limits

> to me. Like I don't deserve it or it's too complicated and

dangerous

> to get into. I feel like most of my friends have moved on to " the

> next step " and I am stuck. In many ways I don't feel old enough or

> worthy to do so. I get really scared going into a bank to talk to

> loan officers. I feel like they will reject us (there is no reason

> they would). It is very strange.

>

> It's not even just that. I feel physically different too. I never

> felt very " girly " and while it wasn't a big deal before I am now

> having a hard time fitting in to groups. I can be very self

> conscious. It seems so silly. It is actually getting worse as I

get

> older when most women I talk to says it lessens as they age.

>

> How do you all deal with self esteem? I feel like I have a decent

> grip on other area's of my life but in the pit of my soul I just

never

> feel worthy or equal to others. I am the type to apologize to

someone

> who stepped on my foot for getting in their way.

>

> Is there some way to get this " I don't deserve... " mantra out of my

> head. All these friggin years of therapy and I still have no idea

how

> to " fix " this.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Trish,

It's funny your mentioning nada's possessions. Mine was a shopaholic

who would rather have a fancy couch no one could sit on over food in

the cupboards. Her house is more of a museum than a home. I live so

differently. My living room is cluttered with toys -lol.

It's s a weird thing. I know logically that I am etitled to the same

thing as everyone else. I can't even really explain it. Some ways I

feel like a perpetual child waiting for permission to move on to the

next step.

I am pretty social when I am in a group setting. I inherited my

dishrags ability to work a crowd. I just find myself not putting

myself as out there as I get older. I think maybe this is a normal

progression. People naturally find it harder to make friends once out

of school (or work force). I think the nc just makes it feel even

more isolating. Lots of people I know rely on many family members as

close friends.

Thanks for your thoughts...

[Guest guest]

Hi Flea,

Thanks for your response. I was walking and thinking of something an

aunt of mine said. That women start to get a better foot hold about

themselves as they age. Less concerned with other's...getting to know

and accept who you are. I just felt the opposite. Now, very likely

this could be my moods acting up on me -sleep deprivation is a killer

for bipolar and the baby is only 4 months.

I feel like I have come very far in all the bpd stuff. Yet, the self

esteem doesn't seem to be improving a whole lot. To those around me I

come across as very strong and self assured.

I think I just came up with a bit of an answer to myself. My biggest

issue has always been that feel like I am not really what people think

I am. Even when I started to change to a place I want to be - when

other's acknowledge that I start to question how real or valid it is.

Another stupid flea!!!

I wonder how much time really affects all this. I often dream about

what I'll be like in ten years.

Thanks Flea! Funny how things just start coming to you when you hear

some other knowing voices outside of your own head

It is actually

getting worse as I get

> older when most women I talk to says it lessens as they age.

>

> Hi, !

> I hope you get some good responses on your post. I, too, have

definitely struggled with feeling " different " from others--oftentimes

feeling " alienated " or not quite fitting in. Over the years I have

concluded that (in my case) it is mostly illusory. For the most part,

people do like me, I'm about as likeable as the average person, even

if I don't always feel that way!

>

> So these days, when I have a day when I feel like I am not

" fitting in " --I realize (1) it is a temporary thing--next week or

next month I might feel differently; (2) something might be going on

in my life that is causing me to feel alienated from people (like

some of my KO issues)--and not necessarily that OTHER people are

distancing themselves from ME. I'm the one who is doing it. And once

I resolve my issue, the other people are " still there. " They never

went away.

>

> Another aspect is, I (probably like many KOs) have had some

depression at times. With mood issues--when you're in the midst of it

( this is true for me, anyway) it seems like I have " always " felt

this way. So I would have this feeling that I " always " felt like an

oddball or that I " never " fit in. And I genuinely felt that way, at

the time. I couldn't remember feeling otherwise. But sometimes (for

me, I'm not speaking for you), it was my mood talking, not reality.

>

> Also, I wanted to reassure you about the statement you made (I

snipped it above). I have heard that too, from several women.

However, the women I heard this from, were describing a turning point

that happened in their lives, maybe around menopause, or when their

kids left home--around age fifty. And you were mentioning walking

with your baby daughter, so I don't think you have hit that phase

yet! ;-) So, that might happen later on!

>

> Be well,

> Flea

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Yahoo! Mail

> Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Sylvia,

I

> have stated in another post that I belive when KOs do heal, we

> really get ahead of the game.

That meant a lot to me. In my marriage I feel light years ahead of

anyone in my foo (and most of my friends for that matter). I must

give that credit to my parents fo teaching what I absolutely did not

want in life.

I am trying to have my logic override these feelings I get. I can

work through and carry on quite functionally. There is just that

wierd place down deep that kind of never lets me forget negative

thoughts about myself. I am working at shutting that up permanently.

I will try to start looking at these life events as an adventure. I

have such negative connotations of money/banks/loans because of the

financial torubles that plagued us growing up. I have give these

banks an almost human persona... like they will sit and judge me.

Even as I type that sounds crazy. I have such a problem taking

everything very personally. I am not good at seperating things like a

bill statement from a reflection of my character.

Thanks for your thoughts. They have given me much to think about.

> >

> > I was taking a walk with my baby girl today and my thoughts were

> racing.

> >

> > I feel very different from other people or at least I percieve I am

> > different. On the outside I obviously look the same and act the

> same.

> > I just don't feel like I belong in most places.

> >

> > Like where my marriage is concerned. I am realizing it is very

> unlike

> > most out there. Dh and I tell each other everything. I mean full

> > disclosure on every aspect of my life. And we talk incessantly.

> Or

> > at least I do and he listens (lol) though lately he is coming up

> with

> > a few good theories on his own. There is a closeness that I am not

> > seeing in the relationships of many of my friends and

> aquaintances.

> >

> > We are about halfway saved up for a new house. We live in a very

> > large city and live on a subway line so we never bothered buying a

> > car. These aren't such a big deal in and of themselves but I

> almost

> > feel like those normal life progressions (or purchases) are off

> limits

> > to me. Like I don't deserve it or it's too complicated and

> dangerous

> > to get into. I feel like most of my friends have moved on to " the

> > next step " and I am stuck. In many ways I don't feel old enough or

> > worthy to do so. I get really scared going into a bank to talk to

> > loan officers. I feel like they will reject us (there is no reason

> > they would). It is very strange.

> >

> > It's not even just that. I feel physically different too. I never

> > felt very " girly " and while it wasn't a big deal before I am now

> > having a hard time fitting in to groups. I can be very self

> > conscious. It seems so silly. It is actually getting worse as I

> get

> > older when most women I talk to says it lessens as they age.

> >

> > How do you all deal with self esteem? I feel like I have a decent

> > grip on other area's of my life but in the pit of my soul I just

> never

> > feel worthy or equal to others. I am the type to apologize to

> someone

> > who stepped on my foot for getting in their way.

> >

> > Is there some way to get this " I don't deserve... " mantra out of my

> > head. All these friggin years of therapy and I still have no idea

> how

> > to " fix " this.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Alyssa...

I hate second guessing myself. I know logically that I do fit in and

I can make friends. I feel like I am walking around with this huge

secret that is a key part of who I am. It feels like I am hiding

something as basic to my personality as being white, canadian, female,

etc... Like there should be another box to check on forms: KO.

Very strange. At least nice to know I am not alone.

Thanks again.

> >

> > I was taking a walk with my baby girl today and my thoughts were

> racing.

> >

> > I feel very different from other people or at least I percieve I am

> > different. On the outside I obviously look the same and act the

> same.

> > I just don't feel like I belong in most places.

> >

> > Like where my marriage is concerned. I am realizing it is very

> unlike

> > most out there. Dh and I tell each other everything. I mean full

> > disclosure on every aspect of my life. And we talk incessantly.

> Or

> > at least I do and he listens (lol) though lately he is coming up

> with

> > a few good theories on his own. There is a closeness that I am not

> > seeing in the relationships of many of my friends and

> aquaintances.

> >

> > We are about halfway saved up for a new house. We live in a very

> > large city and live on a subway line so we never bothered buying a

> > car. These aren't such a big deal in and of themselves but I

> almost

> > feel like those normal life progressions (or purchases) are off

> limits

> > to me. Like I don't deserve it or it's too complicated and

> dangerous

> > to get into. I feel like most of my friends have moved on to " the

> > next step " and I am stuck. In many ways I don't feel old enough or

> > worthy to do so. I get really scared going into a bank to talk to

> > loan officers. I feel like they will reject us (there is no reason

> > they would). It is very strange.

> >

> > It's not even just that. I feel physically different too. I never

> > felt very " girly " and while it wasn't a big deal before I am now

> > having a hard time fitting in to groups. I can be very self

> > conscious. It seems so silly. It is actually getting worse as I

> get

> > older when most women I talk to says it lessens as they age.

> >

> > How do you all deal with self esteem? I feel like I have a decent

> > grip on other area's of my life but in the pit of my soul I just

> never

> > feel worthy or equal to others. I am the type to apologize to

> someone

> > who stepped on my foot for getting in their way.

> >

> > Is there some way to get this " I don't deserve... " mantra out of my

> > head. All these friggin years of therapy and I still have no idea

> how

> > to " fix " this.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

They suck! Mine said I was " funny " . She said it like she couldn't

understand me (like nobody could). I think she was putting her

sickness on me and was almost confused by my behavior of all things.

I didn't even remember that til I read your post. Funny how this

happens. No wonder I feel different. Nada always told me I was. She

put her personality defect square on my shoulders.

Funnier still...I remember grandnada saying the exact same thing about

nada.

> > I feel very different from other people or at least I percieve I am

> > different. On the outside I obviously look the same and act the same.

> > I just don't feel like I belong in most places.

> >

>

> I always thought of myself as different. Mother Dearest said it was

> because I was " sensitive " - LOL

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Flea, that's another great point. It is something I do all the time

as well: give other people the idea that I'm ok when I'm not--and that

I don't need help or feel stressed etc. think for me, that comes from

being the " peacemaker " in the family. I was the one who made sure

my nada didn't get confronted with things that would make her flip

out. I was the one who smoothed over sticky situations w/the foo. I

wasn't really allowed to be too sick or too tired or too upset to

fulfill that role. If I tried to excuse myself from anythig because

of the way I was feeling, I just caught hell, so I've learned that habit.

Over Christmas, I had one of the worst flus I've ever had. I was with

my family and so I made an effort to stick up for myself and say when

I was feeling too sick to do something--nevertheless, when everyone

else in the FOO caught the flu, they couldn't believe how sick they

were and asked me in disbelief, " Were you THAT sick too? " Because I

act normal even when I'm feeling crapy--I mean, I specifically

remember saying " no, no and no " to some suggested family outings

because I was just too sick to go--I actually said, " I feel realy sick

and weak. " But still, no one realized how sick I was because I was

acting normal. It is something I do all the time.

Wow! That's such an " aha " for me. I've noticed that people are

unaware of what's going on inside me--I just didn't realize that I

didn't feel ALLOWED to act how I felt. Thanks Flea!

" Yet, the self

> esteem doesn't seem to be improving a whole lot. To those around me I

> come across as very strong and self assured. "

>

>

> hi !

> Me too! In fact, sometimes I think, " How do I even project that

image? " Sometimes coming across as strong and self-assured is good--it

protects. But sometimes for me it is a problem--two problems, for me.

One, sometimes I feel like an (unintentional) " fake " . I'm not trying

to pretend, but it's just that sometimes it seems like people are not

seeing how I " really " am. Two, VERY often, people do not see how much

I would like some help or support. If I ever say anything, people

say, " Oh I had no idea! You seemed fine " --when maybe I felt like I

was drowning..

>

> I'm a little scattered this morning,soryy if this ends up making

no sense...

> Flea

>

>

> ---------------------------------

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>

>