Re: what to do

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like you don't really want her around and that you

are hoping she will leave and that is perfectly understandable. It

also sounds like you are being negatively affected, perhaps

severely, by her presence.

You have the right to ask her to leave. It may not have even occured

to you to do that because perhaps your sense of obligation to her is

currently stronger than your obligation to your self. Her behavior

is causing you to walk on eggshells and I would venture to say it is

affecting your health and well being on every level.

Please consider that you have a right to happiness, to a peaceful

life. We were not put on this earth to absorb someone else's pain

and neurosis. That is not our job. Your mother is not your

responsibility.

If you begin to allow these thoughts into your consciousness you

will start to hear more of your true voice which will lead you in

the right direction. Right now that voice is most likely being

stifled and chocked by the FOG.

Let this truth in: Your mother is not your responsibility and you do

not have to allow her to destroy your life.

Take care,

>

> Hello everyone, I have not visited this site in about a year and

have just spent the last hour

> reading recent postings and feeling understood and not alone.

thank you. I just had a

> situation happen that I need some outside perspective on. My

brother and I have spent

> our adult lives coming to the rescue of my (undiagnosed of course)

borderline mother.

> Mostly my brother because I've often managed to be in another

country. I've done therapy

> off and on for years, he hasn't, and consequently has allowed her

to stay in his home (and

> wreck it) for a couple of years at least twice. Thankfully he is

now seeking therapy too,

> and is deciding that he needs a break from her and because of some

situations with his

> daughter and our mother, he is letting her " take a break " from

grandma too. (This is his

> daughter's wish as well - 13 years old). I've had one year at a

time nc with mother but just

> in this last 6 months have welcomed her back into my life and am

offering her work in my

> center and keeping her close by as she has nothing and nobody and

needs assistance. Of

> course you all know that it works really well when she is being

utterly looked after and

> supported and catered to, so it's been quite an eventless 6

months. DILEMA: brother and

> niece come into town (him for work) and it turns out don't really

want to communicate

> with mother but they are staying at my house. mother sees me at

work each day and I

> need to tell truth...they are here...I'm sorry I don't really know

what's going on (white lie?)

> I''m sorry he isn't calling you but I do know that he has a lot of

issues he wants to work out

> with you for he and his daughter and isn't ready to spend

extensive time with you until he

> can do this. response " viscious anger/ISSUES WITH ME???? what do

you mean?/ what

> nonsense...you're all so deranged and dramatic etc etc....Brother

asks me and my children

> to spend the weekend skiing with them. He doesn't want mother to

come. I spend the

> whole week agonising over my decision to go, sick to my guts, high

anxiety. I do the

> healthy thing, I decide to go. I tell my mother where I'm going,

and what I'm doing and

> with whom, that it must hurt but if she wants to work it out,

brother will be available to

> speak, I know, but she needs to be willing to hear what he has to

say. I am accused of

> having no heart..doing just what's in character etc. I invite her

over to dinner when we

> return (at brother's blessing - dinner is a short visit) and call

three times to invite and she

> never answers calls and doesn't come. Brother and niece leave the

country to go home,

> mum never shows up at work for two days, and then shows up and has

a cloud of

> lightnening bolts and smoke coming off her aura all day and then

after snapping at me

> endlessly says " I really can't bear to stay here any longer, I'm

going home " . My dilema

> is:do I address things, do I ignore it? I'm sick to go into my

own company today (small

> office!!!!!!) I wish wish wish she'd have one of her " turns " and

leave the country in a huff so

> that I could never choose to have her so close again. but this

too, tears my heart to

> shreds. sooooooo sad.........did anyone make head or tail of what

I just said? sorry

> sooooo long.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, what you wrote made sense and so many of us have " been there " .

My heart goes out to you. Your mother created a situation where

doing what would normally be the right thing (telling her about your

brother being in town, but enforcing his boundary, which he has a

right to set and you have a right to respect!), created a situation

where you were punished for being fair and ethical and open.

I am positive that every KO on the planet has, at some time in their

life, been punished by the BP parent for doing something that was

morally right but in conflict with the " BP agenda " .

I think, though, that in making decisions about sharing information

with a BP, it's not safe to think of the BP as a rational adult.

It's not even safe to think of the BP as a rational CHILD. A BP

cannot tolerate being " limited " by anyone, and will usually " shoot

the messenger " if the " limiter " is not directly available to them to

rage at. It sounds like this is exactly what happened to you, BUT

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You behaved reasonably, but your mother didn't.

It sounds like six months ago you took pity on her. I am reminded

yet again of the " Scorpion " fable. Inevitably, if you take pity on

the scorpion, you WILL get stung. (It's appeared on the list a few

times, see my msg 41766 for one example.)

It's not clear from your post whether you're looking more for

clarification, or for ideas about how to proceed from here, but a

couple of questions regarding " what to do " occur to me, so I offer

them in case they're of help:

1. If this were any other employee, what would be the consequences

of the behaviour (acting out at work, including yelling at you, going

AWOL, leaving in a huff, etc.)?

2. How is your mother's behaviour affecting the rest of the staff at

your office? (Please remember that you have a responsibility to

them, AND TO YOURSELF, and that nobody deserves to be abused, or to

be required to witness abuse.)

Another thing that I want to stress, is that the situation your

mother found herself in, of " having nothing and nobody and needing

assistance " , is a CONSEQUENCE OF HER OWN CHOICES. And you are NOT

obligated to protect her from the consequences of her choices. BPs

ARE capable of recognizing that they have a problem and seeking help

for it, but they will not usually do so if they can get someone

to " save " them.

Hugs,

>

> Hello everyone, I have not visited this site in about a year and

have just spent the last hour

> reading recent postings and feeling understood and not alone.

thank you. I just had a

> situation happen that I need some outside perspective on. My

brother and I have spent

> our adult lives coming to the rescue of my (undiagnosed of course)

borderline mother.

> Mostly my brother because I've often managed to be in another

country. I've done therapy

> off and on for years, he hasn't, and consequently has allowed her

to stay in his home (and

> wreck it) for a couple of years at least twice. Thankfully he is

now seeking therapy too,

> and is deciding that he needs a break from her and because of some

situations with his

> daughter and our mother, he is letting her " take a break " from

grandma too. (This is his

> daughter's wish as well - 13 years old). I've had one year at a

time nc with mother but just

> in this last 6 months have welcomed her back into my life and am

offering her work in my

> center and keeping her close by as she has nothing and nobody and

needs assistance. Of

> course you all know that it works really well when she is being

utterly looked after and

> supported and catered to, so it's been quite an eventless 6

months. DILEMA: brother and

> niece come into town (him for work) and it turns out don't really

want to communicate

> with mother but they are staying at my house. mother sees me at

work each day and I

> need to tell truth...they are here...I'm sorry I don't really know

what's going on (white lie?)

> I''m sorry he isn't calling you but I do know that he has a lot of

issues he wants to work out

> with you for he and his daughter and isn't ready to spend extensive

time with you until he

> can do this. response " viscious anger/ISSUES WITH ME???? what do

you mean?/ what

> nonsense...you're all so deranged and dramatic etc etc....Brother

asks me and my children

> to spend the weekend skiing with them. He doesn't want mother to

come. I spend the

> whole week agonising over my decision to go, sick to my guts, high

anxiety. I do the

> healthy thing, I decide to go. I tell my mother where I'm going,

and what I'm doing and

> with whom, that it must hurt but if she wants to work it out,

brother will be available to

> speak, I know, but she needs to be willing to hear what he has to

say. I am accused of

> having no heart..doing just what's in character etc. I invite her

over to dinner when we

> return (at brother's blessing - dinner is a short visit) and call

three times to invite and she

> never answers calls and doesn't come. Brother and niece leave the

country to go home,

> mum never shows up at work for two days, and then shows up and has

a cloud of

> lightnening bolts and smoke coming off her aura all day and then

after snapping at me

> endlessly says " I really can't bear to stay here any longer, I'm

going home " . My dilema

> is:do I address things, do I ignore it? I'm sick to go into my own

company today (small

> office!!!!!!) I wish wish wish she'd have one of her " turns " and

leave the country in a huff so

> that I could never choose to have her so close again. but this

too, tears my heart to

> shreds. sooooooo sad.........did anyone make head or tail of what

I just said? sorry

> sooooo long.

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for more wise and straight-to-the-point reminders.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- wrote:

> Yes, what you wrote made sense and so many of us have " been there " .

>

> My heart goes out to you. Your mother created a situation where

> doing what would normally be the right thing (telling her about your

> brother being in town, but enforcing his boundary, which he has a

> right to set and you have a right to respect!), created a situation

> where you were punished for being fair and ethical and open.

>

> I am positive that every KO on the planet has, at some time in their

> life, been punished by the BP parent for doing something that was

> morally right but in conflict with the " BP agenda " .

>

> I think, though, that in making decisions about sharing information

> with a BP, it's not safe to think of the BP as a rational adult.

> It's not even safe to think of the BP as a rational CHILD. A BP

> cannot tolerate being " limited " by anyone, and will usually " shoot

> the messenger " if the " limiter " is not directly available to them to

> rage at. It sounds like this is exactly what happened to you, BUT

> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You behaved reasonably, but your mother didn't.

>

> It sounds like six months ago you took pity on her. I am reminded

> yet again of the " Scorpion " fable. Inevitably, if you take pity on

> the scorpion, you WILL get stung. (It's appeared on the list a few

> times, see my msg 41766 for one example.)

>

> It's not clear from your post whether you're looking more for

> clarification, or for ideas about how to proceed from here, but a

> couple of questions regarding " what to do " occur to me, so I offer

> them in case they're of help:

>

> 1. If this were any other employee, what would be the consequences

> of the behaviour (acting out at work, including yelling at you, going

> AWOL, leaving in a huff, etc.)?

>

> 2. How is your mother's behaviour affecting the rest of the staff at

> your office? (Please remember that you have a responsibility to

> them, AND TO YOURSELF, and that nobody deserves to be abused, or to

> be required to witness abuse.)

>

> Another thing that I want to stress, is that the situation your

> mother found herself in, of " having nothing and nobody and needing

> assistance " , is a CONSEQUENCE OF HER OWN CHOICES. And you are NOT

> obligated to protect her from the consequences of her choices. BPs

> ARE capable of recognizing that they have a problem and seeking help

> for it, but they will not usually do so if they can get someone

> to " save " them.

>

> Hugs,

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello everyone, I have not visited this site in about a year and

> have just spent the last hour

> > reading recent postings and feeling understood and not alone.

> thank you. I just had a

> > situation happen that I need some outside perspective on. My

> brother and I have spent

> > our adult lives coming to the rescue of my (undiagnosed of course)

> borderline mother.

> > Mostly my brother because I've often managed to be in another

> country. I've done therapy

> > off and on for years, he hasn't, and consequently has allowed her

> to stay in his home (and

> > wreck it) for a couple of years at least twice. Thankfully he is

> now seeking therapy too,

> > and is deciding that he needs a break from her and because of some

> situations with his

> > daughter and our mother, he is letting her " take a break " from

> grandma too. (This is his

> > daughter's wish as well - 13 years old). I've had one year at a

> time nc with mother but just

> > in this last 6 months have welcomed her back into my life and am

> offering her work in my

> > center and keeping her close by as she has nothing and nobody and

> needs assistance. Of

> > course you all know that it works really well when she is being

> utterly looked after and

> > supported and catered to, so it's been quite an eventless 6

> months. DILEMA: brother and

> > niece come into town (him for work) and it turns out don't really

> want to communicate

> > with mother but they are staying at my house. mother sees me at

> work each day and I

> > need to tell truth...they are here...I'm sorry I don't really know

> what's going on (white lie?)

> > I''m sorry he isn't calling you but I do know that he has a lot of

> issues he wants to work out

> > with you for he and his daughter and isn't ready to spend extensive

> time with you until he

> > can do this. response " viscious anger/ISSUES WITH ME???? what do

> you mean?/ what

> > nonsense...you're all so deranged and dramatic etc etc....Brother

> asks me and my children

> > to spend the weekend skiing with them. He doesn't want mother to

> come. I spend the

> > whole week agonising over my decision to go, sick to my guts, high

> anxiety. I do the

> > healthy thing, I decide to go. I tell my mother where I'm going,

> and what I'm doing and

> > with whom, that it must hurt but if she wants to work it out,

> brother will be available to

> > speak, I know, but she needs to be willing to hear what he has to

> say. I am accused of

> > having no heart..doing just what's in character etc. I invite her

> over to dinner when we

> > return (at brother's blessing - dinner is a short visit) and call

> three times to invite and she

> > never answers calls and doesn't come. Brother and niece leave the

> country to go home,

> > mum never shows up at work for two days, and then shows up and has

> a cloud of

> > lightnening bolts and smoke coming off her aura all day and then

> after snapping at me

> > endlessly says " I really can't bear to stay here any longer, I'm

> going home " . My dilema

> > is:do I address things, do I ignore it? I'm sick to go into my own

> company today (small

> > office!!!!!!) I wish wish wish she'd have one of her " turns " and

> leave the country in a huff so

> > that I could never choose to have her so close again. but this

> too, tears my heart to

> > shreds. sooooooo sad.........did anyone make head or tail of what

> I just said? sorry

> > sooooo long.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

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