Re: KO's and death-defying behavior?--Katrina

[Guest guest]

Katrina, thanks for your response. The more I listen to other people's ideas,

the more I'm

piecing things together.

There were several things you said that made sense to me. Like your point that

it is self-

destructive. I have considered that these tendancies might have been

self-destructive--if

not consciously so. I used to think that a much better alternative to suicide

would be

dying doing something that made you feel truly alive. Every step I made to

differentiate

myself or to be my own person was risky in my house, so I think I just went for

gold. Why

not? I think that there was a part of me that thought my life was not really a

life. I didn't

want to die, but I didn't feel I had much to loose.

I've read about self-destructive tendencies being about control--but I wasn't

sure if my

stunts counted. That would be something to look into.

And I definitely can identify with that weird overly strict, then overly laxist

parenting style.

My nada was realy strict in some areas, and if we angered her, she would go to

the dark

side. Her favorite thing to say when I've done something wrong is, " this is not

how I raised

you!!!! " That said, she was always proud of the fact that I had no curfew--could

be out 'till

all hours. But she would manipulate like crazy to keep me at home. I was

never allowed

to take the car, not because it was a rule, but because she'd think of some lame

excuse to

prevent me from leaving. She'd try to make all of my friends come over to our

house--so

she could be the center of attention. My friends loved her and thought she was

" cool "

because not only would she not tell their parents if they drank, did drugs of

had sex, she

would actually LIE for my friends--to their parents so they wouldn't get in

trouble. So the

control was there all the time, it was just hard to figure out and it was

applied at

random--well, maybe if I'd have known about BPD, I would have seen a pattern.

God, I

would have just preferred rules--any rules by which I could live.

When I found ways of breaking out of that, I really did go wild. And now that I

think of it,

maybe it was a little bit of a control thing.

And like you, I remember the thrill of those death defying experiences too, but

what I

really remember is a kind of self-soothing that went on. Like I'd sneak out of

school and

climb up a ravine with a friend and we'd maybe have some close scrapes but then

we'd sit

on our little cliff and feel safe--like if we could survive that, we'd be ok. I

actually had a

couple of friends that would always be there to do something stupid like that if

one of us

had a crisis. . .weird.

Trish

>

> This is my non-scientist idea about the risk taking. I mentioned on here

before that I

ran away and lived several years on the streets as a teen.

> In therapy, I found out the one moment when I realized that RISK was a

pleasureable

feeling. Nada and fada had abandoned us kids (They used to leave us with all

kinds of

people for months at a time), and I realized I didn't have to do what she told

me. I went to

a party that she had told me not to go to, but since she wasn't there, I went.

Doing that

gave me such a thrill, I don't know why. Maybe bc at 11, I realized there is a

world beyond

the FOO and its FOG and self-annihilation?

>

> So, the thrill = freedom. But, also, there's more to it for me. I also get

self-hatred and

harm myself. It's when I get a big flea that I go do self-destructive behavior.

I don't really

know how to explain it, need to reflect more about this, but I will get scared

of

abandonment or feel anger or whatever flea it is that I am having, and I will

act it out in

some action that is self-destructive etc. Now that I am older & wiser I don't

anymore (I

just crawl into bed until the discomfort of the flea passes), but the

self-destruction has to

do with not having a sense of my existence being of worth. And it also has to

do with the

extreme rollercoaster of emotions I grew up with in the FOO. I mean, if nada

was angry it

was ALL THE WAY. I'm still working on not taking my flea-feelings to the

extreme, in my

case, acting them out upon myself.

>

> Also, could this have to do with not having boundaries? I mean, maybe other

normal

kids tell mom, Hey I don't like this rule and maybe a negotiation goes on. In

my FOO it

was like strict rules and then they weren't there to enforce them and we kids

hung with the

crackheads down the street, yet when nada would come home, we'd be in trouble

and pay

for it, because it was obvious our fault we got in bad situations when she

abandoned us

alone or with unfit babysitters.

>

> Thanks for brining this thread up and these are just IMO. interested if

this strikes the

same note with you.

>

> Katrina.

>

>

>

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