email to dishrag

[Guest guest]

Recently I became very angry with my dishrag over the most recent

disrepectful and betraying thing he'd done. This time, though, I

actually informed him about it. It was some help he promised me

that he just never came through on--which is typical of him.

The main thing I need support about is that I am TERRIFIED of his

response. He is not nada, but he has made it clear over the years

that any anger expressed by me is completely unacceptable. This

anger was very justified, and except for a kindof snippy comment in

the end, I expressed it extremely moderately. 'really don't

appreciate' was the phrase used, and I didn't call him any names or

anything. I am so scared though of his response! I guess the child

in me is still very scared of him. He is also in a position to make

my life a lot more painful and inconvenient, should he so choose.

As if he hasn't already...

My dishrag is extremely passive-aggressive. I have recently come to

understand that he is almost more sick than nada. He is no less

than addicted to 'fooling himself', repressing ALL his emotions and

reactions to nada, and hanging on for dear life to all of his

unhealthy habits. For example, when nada abuses him, he likes to

overeat and overdink, because he knows she doesn't like it, and he

thinks it gives him control. He has had major surgery and been

diagnosed with major illnesses, yet still he insists on maintaining

this dynamic. He also insists, like every dishrag, on a putative

fidelity to nada, and when that has to be at my expense, so be it.

If I dare to do anything that indicates plainly that her presence is

not good for me, especially publicly, he makes me pay for it with

passive-aggressive behaviour. He also tries to keep control of me

financially and physically, so he can do this.

Soon I will be completely broken free of this dependence on him, and

he will not be able to use these tactics. Perhaps in anticipation

of that, I wrote him this short message expressing anger. And I

mentioned how the day was coming soon that I would not have to ask

for help any more from people who don't really want to give it. I

guess I'd just had ENOUGH. It is just the sortof thing dishrag

can't stand to face.

The thing is though, and the whole reason I got so angry, is

his 'help' is practically useless anyways! It is like a complete

crap shoot. Sometimes he comes through just as he says. Most of

the time he comes through so late in the game that the 'help' does

more harm than good. Sometimes he just doesn't come through at all,

even though he said he would. This is how my credit card debt

ammassed, before I understood him. He kept making promises and not

following through. He would follow through every ONCE in awhile,

extravagantly--JUST enough, to lure me to keep asking. This was the

way it was with nada, too. Every once inawhile, for reasons I

couldn't understand, he would actually defend me from her.

I needed a father, not a crap shoot. I am terrified of his

reaction. I am glad I wrote the message but I am crippled now by

fear of his response. Hopefully he'll just hide as usual and not

say anything. Sigh.

Charlie

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

I think the good news here is that you were fed up enough to stand

up for yourself! And you will also be able to deal with your

dishrag's reaction (honest, you will!). You may have to stand up to

him at that time, too.

I have had several people like that in my life - just couldn't

depend on them, but like your dad and your nada, they would come

through just every once in a while. Although they may or may not do

this consciously, it is a tactic to keep us unsure of ourselves. It

is another form of manipulation.

When disrag replies - if he does - it might help to remember and try

to recall the feelings you had when you sent him the message. I'm

all for righteous indignation when it comes from a KO!

What I ended up doing with the people in my life who did this was to

decline any and all offers of assistance. They didn't like that

either! One, I just totally eliminated from my life (I now suspect

him of being BPD), the other I just outright told that they were too

undependable, and therefore I decided to never accept their offers

of help.

Charlie, I know it is the worst to know that this behavior is coming

from a parent, but you have been doing so well, and I think this is

definitely another step towards freeing yourself from nada and

dishrag.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Recently I became very angry with my dishrag over the most recent

> disrepectful and betraying thing he'd done. This time, though, I

> actually informed him about it. It was some help he promised me

> that he just never came through on--which is typical of him.

>

> The main thing I need support about is that I am TERRIFIED of his

> response. He is not nada, but he has made it clear over the years

> that any anger expressed by me is completely unacceptable. This

> anger was very justified, and except for a kindof snippy comment

in

> the end, I expressed it extremely moderately. 'really don't

> appreciate' was the phrase used, and I didn't call him any names

or

> anything. I am so scared though of his response! I guess the

child

> in me is still very scared of him. He is also in a position to

make

> my life a lot more painful and inconvenient, should he so choose.

> As if he hasn't already...

>

> My dishrag is extremely passive-aggressive. I have recently come

to

> understand that he is almost more sick than nada. He is no less

> than addicted to 'fooling himself', repressing ALL his emotions

and

> reactions to nada, and hanging on for dear life to all of his

> unhealthy habits. For example, when nada abuses him, he likes to

> overeat and overdink, because he knows she doesn't like it, and he

> thinks it gives him control. He has had major surgery and been

> diagnosed with major illnesses, yet still he insists on

maintaining

> this dynamic. He also insists, like every dishrag, on a putative

> fidelity to nada, and when that has to be at my expense, so be

it.

> If I dare to do anything that indicates plainly that her presence

is

> not good for me, especially publicly, he makes me pay for it with

> passive-aggressive behaviour. He also tries to keep control of me

> financially and physically, so he can do this.

>

> Soon I will be completely broken free of this dependence on him,

and

> he will not be able to use these tactics. Perhaps in anticipation

> of that, I wrote him this short message expressing anger. And I

> mentioned how the day was coming soon that I would not have to ask

> for help any more from people who don't really want to give it. I

> guess I'd just had ENOUGH. It is just the sortof thing dishrag

> can't stand to face.

>

> The thing is though, and the whole reason I got so angry, is

> his 'help' is practically useless anyways! It is like a complete

> crap shoot. Sometimes he comes through just as he says. Most of

> the time he comes through so late in the game that the 'help' does

> more harm than good. Sometimes he just doesn't come through at

all,

> even though he said he would. This is how my credit card debt

> ammassed, before I understood him. He kept making promises and

not

> following through. He would follow through every ONCE in awhile,

> extravagantly--JUST enough, to lure me to keep asking. This was

the

> way it was with nada, too. Every once inawhile, for reasons I

> couldn't understand, he would actually defend me from her.

>

> I needed a father, not a crap shoot. I am terrified of his

> reaction. I am glad I wrote the message but I am crippled now by

> fear of his response. Hopefully he'll just hide as usual and not

> say anything. Sigh.

>

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, I can so identify with this part of your post:

He kept making promises and not

> following through. He would follow through every ONCE in awhile,

> extravagantly--JUST enough, to lure me to keep asking. This was the

> way it was with nada, too. Every once inawhile, for reasons I

> couldn't understand, he would actually defend me from her.

My parents are like this in a huge way. They used to tell me I should

do something (go to college, seek medical care for a problem) and then

when I'd say I didn't have the $, they'd say something like, " Don't be

ridiculous, we'll pay for it, you are our child! " and then I'd go out

and say, get medical treatment, put it on my card and never see the

money from them. Nice. I don't do that anymore. Like Sylvia, I

refuse help from my parents because it's just not safe to count on it.

Also, because they hold it over my head and use it to try to get me to

accept abuse.

Besides, isn't random reward one of the things that captors and

abusers do to keep their victims close (as the author of Trauma and

Recovery states--great book by the way).

I think that having financial independence from my parents was one of

the key factors in my recovery thus far. It is such a relief to know

that if I refuse to put up with abuse, or say something about bad

behavior that they cannot do anything to me. I'm glad you're going to

be finding a way to get there too!

Also, in my case, when I started standing up to my nada and dad about

some of the situations in our family, they went off the deep-end at

first and really escalated thier behavior. But I was ready for it,

and I not only did not back down, but also denounced their raging,

threats and insults for what they were. It was very hard and trying,

but I felt good afterward and it made lots of progress. So don't

despair if you do get a negative response--just chalk it up to

progress you are making.

Trish