a hopsital story

February 14, 2006

Hi all,

Lately I'm feeling the need to share something that happened rather

long ago. I hope you all will indulge me. Once, my dishrag had to

have major surgery, and it was terrifying for all involved. He

survived, but it was not clear he would at the time.

I am a natural born leader, a tendency which comes out when nada is

not around. Just before the surgery, dozens of people to whom he

was not particularly close were trying to get in to visit him. He

was very stressed and sick, and it was obvious everyone couldn't go

in at one time. They began to look to me, and I took very effective

control, regulating who could go in when. But, when nada realized

what was happening, she found it necessary to undermine me, and,

randomly, in ways that were very stressful for dishrag, she started

sending people in behind my back. She then made it an issue of who

to listen to, her or me, and people were confused. They didn't know

what to do. She was unable to look out for her husband's health,

instead she had to engage in some sortof sick power game with me. I

promptly gave up and let her call the shots, which of course she was

completely incapable of doing, and my dishrag went through a lot of

stress because of it.

Then, after the surgery, before the age of cell phones, there was

one cordless phone in the house. We went home and the doctors were

supposed to call when he woke up. I repeat--MAJOR surgery. My

sister, also bpd, insisted on taking the phone into HER bedroom, so

she could talk to her boyfriend. Which she did. All night. On the

one phone that a doctor could have called on any second to say her

own father was dead. I didn't know about bpd yet back then, and I

actually went into her room and brought the phone downstairs to my

nada. She of course just went and got it right back.

I also remember that during the surgery, AS it was going on, she and

nada had a long conversation about how inadequate a huge ring was, a

ring said boyfriend had given my sister. I couldn't believe they

could talk all about that ring, and how inadequate my sister's

boyfriend was to give it to her, while their father/husband was

under the knife.

Those memories, they really disturb me. I think I am starting to

process memories now, get to the rememberance and mourning period.

And what I feel about the surgery is HELPLESS. These two were so

heinously appalling. They were completely disrespecting my father

during his moment of most dire need, and there was nothing I could

do about it. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I

don't undertand how more bpds are not put away. I don't understand

why more people don't call them on their behaviour. Ironically, it

is my father who is their great enabler. I guess he was paying for

it during this surgery. But, I didn't deserve to pay for it... *I*

didn't make that choice, to cater and enable those two, even when it

harmed my own self. He is the one who has paid for their wretched

existence, enabling them to harm and disrepect him. And me, until I

got out. I am angry w/him about that.

Thanks for listening; similar accounts welcome, as always.

Charlie

February 14, 2006

Charlie, I can't say I have a similar story, but the feeling is the same. It's

the feeling of my

nada doing her thing in the most outrageous situation possible--just when you

would

think she would be ashamed to be that way. In addition, that is exactly when

everyone

(myself included) is unlikely to try to stand up to her because we don't want to

" create a

scene " at those times. URGH! It seems so unfair.

I've also noticed a just horrible incapacity on my nada's part to recognize or

care about

other's pain/illness. I cannot even count the number of times that I have been

extremely

sick and my nada has tried get me to do something inapproprate for my current

state. It

makes me so angry to even think about it. She does it to my dad too. I have

noticed,

however, that she has never tried to pull anything like that with either of my

brothers. I

think my dad and I just got in that enabling role that you mentioned where we'd

sacrifice

ourselves physically to keep the peace. I'm trying to break out of that and

he's not.

Last summer I went through a lot of feelings of rage and grief because it began

to seem to

me that my nada would work my dad to death if she could--and that he seeemed to

be

willing to let her. I was so angry at both of them. I'm still not really over

it.

Yeah, these things are hard to even believe much less process. And the

emergency-type

situation only makes them feel more sureal because it is vital that you

function, so you

just have to stuff all of your emotional reactions away--which makes the

memories seem

so bizarre and detached. Sigh. . .

I think you are being very brave to go back and dig around in those painful

memories and

get at those emotions that you put away for another time. It's really important

and I think

that in the long run, that kind of work really helps you heal.

Trish

>

> Hi all,

>

> Lately I'm feeling the need to share something that happened rather

> long ago. I hope you all will indulge me. Once, my dishrag had to

> have major surgery, and it was terrifying for all involved. He

> survived, but it was not clear he would at the time.

>

> I am a natural born leader, a tendency which comes out when nada is

> not around. Just before the surgery, dozens of people to whom he

> was not particularly close were trying to get in to visit him. He

> was very stressed and sick, and it was obvious everyone couldn't go

> in at one time. They began to look to me, and I took very effective

> control, regulating who could go in when. But, when nada realized

> what was happening, she found it necessary to undermine me, and,

> randomly, in ways that were very stressful for dishrag, she started

> sending people in behind my back. She then made it an issue of who

> to listen to, her or me, and people were confused. They didn't know

> what to do. She was unable to look out for her husband's health,

> instead she had to engage in some sortof sick power game with me. I

> promptly gave up and let her call the shots, which of course she was

> completely incapable of doing, and my dishrag went through a lot of

> stress because of it.

>

> Then, after the surgery, before the age of cell phones, there was

> one cordless phone in the house. We went home and the doctors were

> supposed to call when he woke up. I repeat--MAJOR surgery. My

> sister, also bpd, insisted on taking the phone into HER bedroom, so

> she could talk to her boyfriend. Which she did. All night. On the

> one phone that a doctor could have called on any second to say her

> own father was dead. I didn't know about bpd yet back then, and I

> actually went into her room and brought the phone downstairs to my

> nada. She of course just went and got it right back.

>

> I also remember that during the surgery, AS it was going on, she and

> nada had a long conversation about how inadequate a huge ring was, a

> ring said boyfriend had given my sister. I couldn't believe they

> could talk all about that ring, and how inadequate my sister's

> boyfriend was to give it to her, while their father/husband was

> under the knife.

>

> Those memories, they really disturb me. I think I am starting to

> process memories now, get to the rememberance and mourning period.

> And what I feel about the surgery is HELPLESS. These two were so

> heinously appalling. They were completely disrespecting my father

> during his moment of most dire need, and there was nothing I could

> do about it. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I

> don't undertand how more bpds are not put away. I don't understand

> why more people don't call them on their behaviour. Ironically, it

> is my father who is their great enabler. I guess he was paying for

> it during this surgery. But, I didn't deserve to pay for it... *I*

> didn't make that choice, to cater and enable those two, even when it

> harmed my own self. He is the one who has paid for their wretched

> existence, enabling them to harm and disrepect him. And me, until I

> got out. I am angry w/him about that.

>

> Thanks for listening; similar accounts welcome, as always.

>

> Charlie

>

February 14, 2006

Hi Charlie,

I totally relate to your story. There have been a few times when

something terrible happened to dishrag which led to a major

confrontation with nada. I remember, specifically, being terrified

and upset for several reasons:

1) If dishrag died I would be left alone with nada, holding the bag.

I was the third member of their marriage and before nc was absolutely

positive it would be left to me to " care " for nada.

2) Dishrag was my only ally growing up. I needed him to help buffer

nada. There were so few of us that actually understood what went on

at home that if he were gone I would have felt totally alone.

3) Dishrag had martyr status in our minds. He persevered with nada.

Took care of her at his own expense - blah, blah, blah! I now

understand that there is something deficient in fada to keep him joint

with nada but that's a whole other can of worms... I cried many tears

hating how bad his life was for him. I worried he would die unhappy.

4) Lastly that anything happening to dishrag would spiral nada down in

to the depths of which I do not care to witness. I dealt with enough

trauma during all her imaginary losses and can't imagine what she

could end up like with a real one.

Funny, I too became the rock for the family at times of need only to

be challenged as soon as jealousy (or whatever) set in. In fact, when

I was 18 I was sent out of town to contend with and pick up an aunt

who had been in a severe car crash that killed her fiance. Can you

imagine - leaving all that responsibilty on me at that age? Of course

you can, we're all ko's.