Guest guest Posted March 1, 2006 Report Share Posted March 1, 2006 Emerging nada-memory just now! Like Sylvia, I don't have too many outrageous nada statements floating round in my head. I have repressed most of them. One just came up though. Whenever something upset me, and I made the mistake of telling nada, she would reply, disgustedly, 'It's always *somethin'* with you, Charlie.' I didn't understand. I just felt like a bad girl, but didn't know why. Now I understand. This response had nothing to do with me needing help, or overreacting or not. The message was that MY needs were an annoyance to her. That I was bad for having them. That if I was upset, that was not valid--it was only because I was over- emotional, hyper-sensitive, and would get uspet about everything and anything. That was a projection. It was NADA who gets upset about everything and anything, and acts like the world is going to end. It was (is) nada who comprehends, on some level, that her 'needs' don't really deserve attention, because it is her 'need' to harm and exploit others. What I *needed*, however, was help with my homework, or comfort if someone had been mean to me. She was also threatened that I had ANY needs at all. She couldn't meet them, and they overwhelmed her. Rather than split herself black for not being able to meet my needs, she split ME black. So much easier. I think my nada will never die. She experiences none of the stress of her own emotions. She pushes them onto other people. I deserved to be comforted when I was upset. If unjust things happened to me, as a child, I needed to have a sense of justice and order restored. A parent is supposed to bear witness, and be a source of authority. Now I am learning to do that for myself. That phrase sticks with me, though. It was such an awful thing to say to a child. How HARD would it have been to simply say, 'I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. It will all be ok.' It would take literally two seconds. Nadas are monsters, I tell you. Charlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 1, 2006 Report Share Posted March 1, 2006 Hi Charlie and All, Your post made me think of two things. There’ve are major criminals known to plead for help and jail so they don’t do again whatever it was that they got caught doing. Has a BP ever done that? In my experience and all the reading I’ve done, I’ve never seen an example of a BP known to have said anything like, “I need help so I don’t do those bad things I did because of my BPD.” Does anyone have or has anyone seen an example of this? Secondly, you wrote, “How HARD would it have been to simply say, 'I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. It will all be ok.' It would take literally two seconds.” This has amazed and frustrated me all my life. Many, many times I’d suggest or tell (usually when it was okay for me to do that!) someone (usually non-BPs, as far as I know!) how something could be said better and they’d be AMAZED at how much better what I suggested sounded. I’d think, just as you said, how SIMPLE it was to think of the better (usually more loving, supportive and/or instructive) way to say it. Has anyone else had this experience? One Non-BP Recovering Man --- charlottehoneychurch wrote: > Emerging nada-memory just now! Like Sylvia, I don't have too many > outrageous nada statements floating round in my head. I have > repressed most of them. One just came up though. > > Whenever something upset me, and I made the mistake of telling nada, > she would reply, disgustedly, 'It's always *somethin'* with you, > Charlie.' > > I didn't understand. I just felt like a bad girl, but didn't know > why. Now I understand. This response had nothing to do with me > needing help, or overreacting or not. The message was that MY needs > were an annoyance to her. That I was bad for having them. That if > I was upset, that was not valid--it was only because I was over- > emotional, hyper-sensitive, and would get uspet about everything and > anything. > > That was a projection. It was NADA who gets upset about everything > and anything, and acts like the world is going to end. It was (is) > nada who comprehends, on some level, that her 'needs' don't really > deserve attention, because it is her 'need' to harm and exploit > others. What I *needed*, however, was help with my homework, or > comfort if someone had been mean to me. > > She was also threatened that I had ANY needs at all. She couldn't > meet them, and they overwhelmed her. Rather than split herself > black for not being able to meet my needs, she split ME black. So > much easier. > > I think my nada will never die. She experiences none of the stress > of her own emotions. She pushes them onto other people. > > I deserved to be comforted when I was upset. If unjust things > happened to me, as a child, I needed to have a sense of justice and > order restored. A parent is supposed to bear witness, and be a > source of authority. Now I am learning to do that for myself. > > That phrase sticks with me, though. It was such an awful thing to > say to a child. How HARD would it have been to simply say, 'I'm > sorry to hear that happened to you. It will all be ok.' It would > take literally two seconds. Nadas are monsters, I tell you. > > Charlie > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 1, 2006 Report Share Posted March 1, 2006 actually i am working with my therapist in learning how to say things in a better way. i would not say i am " gifted " in this area........... Recovering Non-BP wrote: Hi Charlie and All, Your post made me think of two things. There’ve are major criminals known to plead for help and jail so they don’t do again whatever it was that they got caught doing. Has a BP ever done that? In my experience and all the reading I’ve done, I’ve never seen an example of a BP known to have said anything like, “I need help so I don’t do those bad things I did because of my BPD.” Does anyone have or has anyone seen an example of this? Secondly, you wrote, “How HARD would it have been to simply say, 'I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. It will all be ok.' It would take literally two seconds.” This has amazed and frustrated me all my life. Many, many times I’d suggest or tell (usually when it was okay for me to do that!) someone (usually non-BPs, as far as I know!) how something could be said better and they’d be AMAZED at how much better what I suggested sounded. I’d think, just as you said, how SIMPLE it was to think of the better (usually more loving, supportive and/or instructive) way to say it. Has anyone else had this experience? One Non-BP Recovering Man --- charlottehoneychurch wrote: > Emerging nada-memory just now! Like Sylvia, I don't have too many > outrageous nada statements floating round in my head. I have > repressed most of them. One just came up though. > > Whenever something upset me, and I made the mistake of telling nada, > she would reply, disgustedly, 'It's always *somethin'* with you, > Charlie.' > > I didn't understand. I just felt like a bad girl, but didn't know > why. Now I understand. This response had nothing to do with me > needing help, or overreacting or not. The message was that MY needs > were an annoyance to her. That I was bad for having them. That if > I was upset, that was not valid--it was only because I was over- > emotional, hyper-sensitive, and would get uspet about everything and > anything. > > That was a projection. It was NADA who gets upset about everything > and anything, and acts like the world is going to end. It was (is) > nada who comprehends, on some level, that her 'needs' don't really > deserve attention, because it is her 'need' to harm and exploit > others. What I *needed*, however, was help with my homework, or > comfort if someone had been mean to me. > > She was also threatened that I had ANY needs at all. She couldn't > meet them, and they overwhelmed her. Rather than split herself > black for not being able to meet my needs, she split ME black. So > much easier. > > I think my nada will never die. She experiences none of the stress > of her own emotions. She pushes them onto other people. > > I deserved to be comforted when I was upset. If unjust things > happened to me, as a child, I needed to have a sense of justice and > order restored. A parent is supposed to bear witness, and be a > source of authority. Now I am learning to do that for myself. > > That phrase sticks with me, though. It was such an awful thing to > say to a child. How HARD would it have been to simply say, 'I'm > sorry to hear that happened to you. It will all be ok.' It would > take literally two seconds. Nadas are monsters, I tell you. > > Charlie > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 2, 2006 Report Share Posted March 2, 2006 Hi All, I am new here and have recently found out through my therapist that my mother most likely is BPD. What a relief to finally realize it REALLY WASN'T ME with all of the problems and her behavior is not an acceptable way to act. Currently, my mother has embroiled my husband and I in one of her tantrums, as I call them. I've been saying this for years-how easy is it to just say a kind word instead of the raging anger she chose to spew. When I was 16, a close friend of mine died in a car wreck and I wanted to stay home the next day instead of going on some visit to my parents' friend's house. She yelled at me that she wouldn't let me stay home and feel sorry for myself. In a teenage rage once, I actually told her that she wasn't really a mother to me-I hit the nail on the head at that age, but I did't have the emotional maturity to be exactly clear about what I meant. Now I know she was a nada. Of course, that bought me about 2 weeks of utter silent treatment (not some bad from my perspective at the time!) and also no cooked meals or lunches made.... Has anyone watched Absolutely Fabulous? You can see from my email I love the show, but it occurred to me that the mom on the show is quite a funny version of a BPD parent. Have a good day everyone, Recovering Non-BP wrote: Hi Charlie and All, Your post made me think of two things. There’ve are major criminals known to plead for help and jail so they don’t do again whatever it was that they got caught doing. Has a BP ever done that? In my experience and all the reading I’ve done, I’ve never seen an example of a BP known to have said anything like, “I need help so I don’t do those bad things I did because of my BPD.” Does anyone have or has anyone seen an example of this? Secondly, you wrote, “How HARD would it have been to simply say, 'I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. It will all be ok.' It would take literally two seconds.” This has amazed and frustrated me all my life. Many, many times I’d suggest or tell (usually when it was okay for me to do that!) someone (usually non-BPs, as far as I know!) how something could be said better and they’d be AMAZED at how much better what I suggested sounded. I’d think, just as you said, how SIMPLE it was to think of the better (usually more loving, supportive and/or instructive) way to say it. Has anyone else had this experience? One Non-BP Recovering Man --- charlottehoneychurch wrote: > Emerging nada-memory just now! Like Sylvia, I don't have too many > outrageous nada statements floating round in my head. I have > repressed most of them. One just came up though. > > Whenever something upset me, and I made the mistake of telling nada, > she would reply, disgustedly, 'It's always *somethin'* with you, > Charlie.' > > I didn't understand. I just felt like a bad girl, but didn't know > why. Now I understand. This response had nothing to do with me > needing help, or overreacting or not. The message was that MY needs > were an annoyance to her. That I was bad for having them. That if > I was upset, that was not valid--it was only because I was over- > emotional, hyper-sensitive, and would get uspet about everything and > anything. > > That was a projection. It was NADA who gets upset about everything > and anything, and acts like the world is going to end. It was (is) > nada who comprehends, on some level, that her 'needs' don't really > deserve attention, because it is her 'need' to harm and exploit > others. What I *needed*, however, was help with my homework, or > comfort if someone had been mean to me. > > She was also threatened that I had ANY needs at all. She couldn't > meet them, and they overwhelmed her. Rather than split herself > black for not being able to meet my needs, she split ME black. So > much easier. > > I think my nada will never die. She experiences none of the stress > of her own emotions. She pushes them onto other people. > > I deserved to be comforted when I was upset. If unjust things > happened to me, as a child, I needed to have a sense of justice and > order restored. A parent is supposed to bear witness, and be a > source of authority. Now I am learning to do that for myself. > > That phrase sticks with me, though. It was such an awful thing to > say to a child. How HARD would it have been to simply say, 'I'm > sorry to hear that happened to you. It will all be ok.' It would > take literally two seconds. Nadas are monsters, I tell you. > > Charlie > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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