Re: Bridget and College

[Guest guest]

Bridget and Charlie,

As I was reading all of this I actually started to feel physically

ill, in a way that I have not felt in a very long time.

I was sitting here remembering all the missed opportunities that my

FOO ruined for me.....I got a 1320 on my SATs when I was 12 years

old, and the school approached my parents and told them there are

great opportunities for gifted progrmas for me....NO WAY they said.

Then I breezed through high school and got into Harvard and Columbia

etc....Nada's reaction--- " You are not going to run around without a

leash at a college where you need to sleep there. You need to come

home every night. " No problem....I could commute to Columbia or

NYU....nope! Would not provide the financial information for me to

get the scholarships. (Odd that she always comments how smart

anyone is who goes to Ivy League schools, and says it in

that " covert " sly way that implies I am not smart....Grrrr.

Additionally infuriating is that they could also AFFORD to send me,

but I digress....)

Went to a state college I desperately hated....Majoring in pre-med

which I desperately hated.....Also had nada demanding that I go to

sleep at like 9pm when I had papers to do and turning off the lights

on me, raging etc....I got depressed, failed, didn't care at all and

I felt completely lost in life. I felt like I had no purpose, no

identity, no way out, no way in....

I spoke a few languages so I got work in NYC, took all te hours and

side jobs I could and saved my pennies. Then I told nada I was

taking off and travelling....She told me I needed to ask dishrag

fada if I could and I stood up to them for the first time and

said, " I am not asking you. I am informing you. It is all set, and

paid for. I am leaving in 10 days. " She was RAGING!!!!

I went on to live in Beijing and London and the Middle East and I

studied and started my own company and am currently married and NC

with nada....

So there is hope, but there will never be validation or a pat on the

back from FOO. That is the irking part of being a KO. That used to

take a bit of the sweetness out of the success for me, but I have

decided I like my success better semi-sweet than pulverized into

unimportance with nada's criticisms.

In fact, I have never even told her the extent of what I have

accomplished educationally or otherwise, I never told her what I

own, or do, or plan. I did not tell her because knowledge is power

for a nada, and for me to tell her would be like serving her an

opportunity to undermine my accomplishments. I will not give her

that.

Best thoughts to all---

Sofia

>

> Bridget,

>

> It's so wonderful to see you post this. The exact same thing

> happened to me, and I have yet to resolve it. You're the only

> person I've seen that this happened to:

>

> 'I was like I might get a scholarship and she

> felt that was ridiculous b/c I would clearly be abandoning her. I

> settled

> on a state school I didn't even want to go to- I got into the

better

> school,

> but couldn't go b/c it would be rude to my whole family to show

off

> and go

> to the better school.'

>

> This is exactly what they did to me. I also was supposed to be

some

> amazing achiever, yet got terrible resistance (and no HELP, god

> forbid) when I started applying to out-of-state schools. Some of

> them, they promised they had mailed in my application fee when

they

> HADN'T. Two of them, I got into, but they wouldn't let me go,

> accusing me of the same thing--thinking I was better than them!

> They also offered me a luxury car if I would stay in state.

>

> If they had supported me and sent me to the schools I could have

> gotten in to, that I belonged at, my life would be completely

> different today, and, ironically, I would most likely have the

> things they want me to have now--money, job, marriage etc. This

is

> something I have been unable to resolve, especially dishrag's

> participation. To me it felt like the ultimate denial of who I

am.

> They just didn't SEE me, they didn't accept I could have an

earnest

> desire to go to a competetive school.

>

> I am still angry w/dishrag for this, and he is still angry w/me.

> When he pulls bullshit comments about why I'm not famous or in the

> top of my field, I am always tempted to say, you wouldn't send me

to

> the right school to get me there, you (expletive). In fact next

> time, I think I will.

>

> Thanks for posting this.

>

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Sofia, that is a painful story, but I am glad you found your way

out. My FOO tried the same thing with me, but luckily for me, I

guess, they started threatening not to pay for my college education

early so I was on my guard, and they didn't go so far as to refuse to

give their financial information. I was able to get some scholarships

and go far away on my own dime. But I remember the horrible, crushing

feeling of being denied what you REALLY want by a sick, raging nada.

She stood in my way so many times--and sickly, she would accept

nothing less than the best when I was in high school.

I remember when I came home to spend a summer w/my foo during college

how crushed and depressed I felt there as the ability to choose

anything or be myself was completely stripped from me. Once, in a

rage, my nada said to me, " You think you're at the center of the

universe! " I remember thinking, " I am at the center of MY universe. "

Isn't that the way it should be?

Trish

> >

> > Bridget,

> >

> > It's so wonderful to see you post this. The exact same thing

> > happened to me, and I have yet to resolve it. You're the only

> > person I've seen that this happened to:

> >

> > 'I was like I might get a scholarship and she

> > felt that was ridiculous b/c I would clearly be abandoning her. I

> > settled

> > on a state school I didn't even want to go to- I got into the

> better

> > school,

> > but couldn't go b/c it would be rude to my whole family to show

> off

> > and go

> > to the better school.'

> >

> > This is exactly what they did to me. I also was supposed to be

> some

> > amazing achiever, yet got terrible resistance (and no HELP, god

> > forbid) when I started applying to out-of-state schools. Some of

> > them, they promised they had mailed in my application fee when

> they

> > HADN'T. Two of them, I got into, but they wouldn't let me go,

> > accusing me of the same thing--thinking I was better than them!

> > They also offered me a luxury car if I would stay in state.

> >

> > If they had supported me and sent me to the schools I could have

> > gotten in to, that I belonged at, my life would be completely

> > different today, and, ironically, I would most likely have the

> > things they want me to have now--money, job, marriage etc. This

> is

> > something I have been unable to resolve, especially dishrag's

> > participation. To me it felt like the ultimate denial of who I

> am.

> > They just didn't SEE me, they didn't accept I could have an

> earnest

> > desire to go to a competetive school.

> >

> > I am still angry w/dishrag for this, and he is still angry w/me.

> > When he pulls bullshit comments about why I'm not famous or in the

> > top of my field, I am always tempted to say, you wouldn't send me

> to

> > the right school to get me there, you (expletive). In fact next

> > time, I think I will.

> >

> > Thanks for posting this.

> >

> > Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sofia,

You wrote, " I like my success better semi-sweet than pulverized into

unimportance with nada's criticisms. " Ohhhhhhhhh, that's good. Thanks!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- sofiapeel wrote:

> Bridget and Charlie,

>

> As I was reading all of this I actually started to feel physically

> ill, in a way that I have not felt in a very long time.

>

> I was sitting here remembering all the missed opportunities that my

> FOO ruined for me.....I got a 1320 on my SATs when I was 12 years

> old, and the school approached my parents and told them there are

> great opportunities for gifted progrmas for me....NO WAY they said.

> Then I breezed through high school and got into Harvard and Columbia

> etc....Nada's reaction--- " You are not going to run around without a

> leash at a college where you need to sleep there. You need to come

> home every night. " No problem....I could commute to Columbia or

> NYU....nope! Would not provide the financial information for me to

> get the scholarships. (Odd that she always comments how smart

> anyone is who goes to Ivy League schools, and says it in

> that " covert " sly way that implies I am not smart....Grrrr.

> Additionally infuriating is that they could also AFFORD to send me,

> but I digress....)

>

> Went to a state college I desperately hated....Majoring in pre-med

> which I desperately hated.....Also had nada demanding that I go to

> sleep at like 9pm when I had papers to do and turning off the lights

> on me, raging etc....I got depressed, failed, didn't care at all and

> I felt completely lost in life. I felt like I had no purpose, no

> identity, no way out, no way in....

>

> I spoke a few languages so I got work in NYC, took all te hours and

> side jobs I could and saved my pennies. Then I told nada I was

> taking off and travelling....She told me I needed to ask dishrag

> fada if I could and I stood up to them for the first time and

> said, " I am not asking you. I am informing you. It is all set, and

> paid for. I am leaving in 10 days. " She was RAGING!!!!

>

> I went on to live in Beijing and London and the Middle East and I

> studied and started my own company and am currently married and NC

> with nada....

>

> So there is hope, but there will never be validation or a pat on the

> back from FOO. That is the irking part of being a KO. That used to

> take a bit of the sweetness out of the success for me, but I have

> decided I like my success better semi-sweet than pulverized into

> unimportance with nada's criticisms.

>

> In fact, I have never even told her the extent of what I have

> accomplished educationally or otherwise, I never told her what I

> own, or do, or plan. I did not tell her because knowledge is power

> for a nada, and for me to tell her would be like serving her an

> opportunity to undermine my accomplishments. I will not give her

> that.

>

> Best thoughts to all---

>

> Sofia

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Bridget,

> >

> > It's so wonderful to see you post this. The exact same thing

> > happened to me, and I have yet to resolve it. You're the only

> > person I've seen that this happened to:

> >

> > 'I was like I might get a scholarship and she

> > felt that was ridiculous b/c I would clearly be abandoning her. I

> > settled

> > on a state school I didn't even want to go to- I got into the

> better

> > school,

> > but couldn't go b/c it would be rude to my whole family to show

> off

> > and go

> > to the better school.'

> >

> > This is exactly what they did to me. I also was supposed to be

> some

> > amazing achiever, yet got terrible resistance (and no HELP, god

> > forbid) when I started applying to out-of-state schools. Some of

> > them, they promised they had mailed in my application fee when

> they

> > HADN'T. Two of them, I got into, but they wouldn't let me go,

> > accusing me of the same thing--thinking I was better than them!

> > They also offered me a luxury car if I would stay in state.

> >

> > If they had supported me and sent me to the schools I could have

> > gotten in to, that I belonged at, my life would be completely

> > different today, and, ironically, I would most likely have the

> > things they want me to have now--money, job, marriage etc. This

> is

> > something I have been unable to resolve, especially dishrag's

> > participation. To me it felt like the ultimate denial of who I

> am.

> > They just didn't SEE me, they didn't accept I could have an

> earnest

> > desire to go to a competetive school.

> >

> > I am still angry w/dishrag for this, and he is still angry w/me.

> > When he pulls bullshit comments about why I'm not famous or in the

> > top of my field, I am always tempted to say, you wouldn't send me

> to

> > the right school to get me there, you (expletive). In fact next

> > time, I think I will.

> >

> > Thanks for posting this.

> >

> > Charlie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Wow- who knew others had this happen to them! I never realized just how

angry I am about that until I wrote it out here- and went on and on. Talk

about built up anger you carry around! It is like one thing I do not want

to forgive them for. They didn't SEE ME. They saw a projection of what

they wanted. They wanted a daughter who lived at home and went to a small

local school like them. They didn't want a high achieving daughter who

moved out of state of never called them again. That was the fear.

Ever since I was a very small child I thrived on going away to other

people's homes, camp, etc. and I never wanted to go home. I would tell

nada- I love Aunt Anne's house- I want to stay forever. I would call at

4 years old and ask to stay longer. Of course she would fight tooth and

nail b/c she realized I loved being away and I wouldn't get homesick at all.

I prob. knew she was crazy.

In any case. I think I can accept where I am b/c of my state school. I

wouldn't have become best friends with the best person I have ever met if I

didn't go there, but deep in my heart I think- why did I work so hard ever

since I started school to excel only to be shut down in the home stretch? I

still cannot believe I was brainwashed enough to " need them " and accept

going to a state school. Whenever I stood up for myself with them they

would deny me my own feelings- tell me to calm down, go to my room, dishrag

would say I was emotional like my mother and it's not that bad. I should be

humble like them- no wonder I cannot " feel " a damn thing now and I developed

an eating disorder at 12.

Bottom line when I was 20 and 21 I got grounded when I came home from school

on breaks. They just couldn't stop trying to reign me in and I would accept

it- what was I supposed to do? They gave me like 5K a year for school, that

I needed to avoid loans. They had me thinking being 20K in debt from

college would break me for life. But I do have to say Junior Year- as I was

struggling in school- prob. trying to get the hell away from them- I decided

to study abroad a few days b/f the trip began- I went home and packed. Then

I told them I was going. I thought nada would die. She told me I would

prob. die abroad from a huge attack of some form- or clearly I would be

robbed and left for dead. But I went- I remember her crying all the way to

the airport- and I got on and I was like- DONE FREEDOM!!!

This has been an excruciating transition. I have been trying to leave nada

and dishrag since birth for sure. Now that I am finally 3,000 miles away I

could not be happier- it comes in spurts of course. Aargh-

The best quote ever- nada yelling " You think you are the center of your

universe " . Hello idiot yes I am!!!

Thanks for sharing. Hey good thing some of you turned out very successful

regardless. I know I have it in me and I am very hopeful I can develop some

of my entrepenurial ideas so I can really turn into a high achieving, highly

productive person. I know I can.

Thanks!

b

>

> Thank you all for sharing your experiences and your wonderful

> validation for my experience. Flea, thank you for noting that it is

> not so much the not going as the denial of the experience when the

> means are available to grant it.

>

> It saddens me to know that they had the means but not the desire or

> disposition to grant me a life-altering experience. There are so

> many parents out there who have the desire to give their children

> the best but no matter what they do, they just don't have the means.

>

> Sofia

>

>

>

> >

> > Sofia,

> > You reminded me of my getting-into-Columbia-story. It was my

> first-choice school, but instead I had to go to a " lesser school "

> because that school had offered me a full scholarship with room and

> board, and Columbia would have required my parents to pay a small--

> and I mean a small--amount toward room and board. " They couldn't

> afford it, " (oh, they could).

> >

> > It's not so much the fact that the other school was a " lesser

> school " that galled me--but the fact that nada and stepdad would

> not extend themselves, nor pay one " unnecessary " cent--in order for

> me to go to a place that I really wanted. I ended up going to a

> school that I had zero interest in attending, in a city in which I

> had zero interest in living.

> >

> > My silver lining is that I met my husband at the " lesser school "

> and he has been such a blessing in my life.

> >

> > But even now, years later, the idea that they totally

> disregarded my wishes and were unwilling to spend one cent on my

> education--that still makes me angry. They were spoiled because

> they got rid of me free of charge at the boarding school's expense

> for four years, and they would be d***ed if they would start

> spending money on me at that point.

> >

> > So many years later, but still angry. Sheesh.

> > Flea

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Yahoo! Mail

> > Bring photos to life! New PhotoMail makes sharing a breeze.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Bridget,

I totally hear you on the brainwashing bit. I still kind of wish I'd

sued my parents. I lost that window of opportunity when I turned 29.

I didn't know much about bpd at all back then and so I wouldn't even

begin to comprehend a whole world of people like you guys out there.

I thought I would've been the first person ever or at least never

have a family again, much less ever get married or have that option

if I did something as horrible as suing nada.

The reasons, by the way, I could've sued my parents is b/c they did

not pay for my college education. I did. Social security quit paying

for college when I was growing up and increased the amount paid out

to parents per month to put aside money for the kids. My dad died

when I was 8 and so nada got SS checks for my brother and I. Nada,

instead, kicked me out the month after the social security checks

stopped coming and she did not pay for my college and left me w/o an

option for student loans b/c of their income (her and stepfada). My

aunt told me later on that other people had sued their parents under

these conditions and won b/c what they do in those situations is

illegal. I have not consulted personally but auntie gave me this

article to read way back when I was in my early 20s and was still

brainwashed and wouldn't remotely consider suing. Now I wouldn't

really think twice about it. She's criminal in my mind, but all of

these people are b/c abuse is criminal. Period.

By the way, your nada holding over the loans for college doesn't

really hold water. You couldn't have taken out loans anywway which is

another thing Sofia brought up that just pisses me off to no end.

First the parental units screw you, but then the gov't does too

w/things like college loans. You can NOT get a college loan until you

are 24 if your parents make so much money a year regardless of them

helping you or not. The only way to basically get independent status

is to appeal to the gov't and have a case history/police records of

abuse. The kinds of abuses we suffered doesn't count and therefore

does not matter. And getting a regular loan from a bank is virtually

impossible for an 18 year old w/no credit history. It may be

plausible w/ a straight A student, but not for most people. That's

why I had to bide my time in Junior college and finally when I was 24

and finishing up my AA degree, I applied and got accepted to the

state school out of the same city as the FOO. Until then I didn't

have much of a choice. They wouldn't even fork out the money for me

to take the SAT or ACT so that I'd have to go to the local Junior

college vs State school that was two or three hours away.

I live 1000 miles away and I hear you. My uncle lives 3000 miles away

from his nada and he says sometimes that's not even far enough.

In so far as being productive, well I think people deserve to be

loved for who they are much more than what they do or how much they

make. Maybe that's what I've come to the conclusion of after growing

up w/a queen nada. That said, I love what I do. My job is a stay at

home mom and the CFO of our household. This is perhaps the most

financially sound we've ever been in our adult lives b/c I am getting

so healthy and doing what I love. I actually have time to read up on

these books and investing and such that I would've never made time to

read if I were in the work force. I'm productive, very productive,

but I don't earn an income per se. Dh would say my income comes from

the vast arrays of ways I find to save money here and there and I

think I am this way to secure my job;p After being home w/my kids, I

have no desire to ever enter the work force again in so far as

regular work goes. I don't think I'd mind writing kids books though:)

or working at the library or for various charities I love. But again,

I think people have value by the very fact they exist- not for what

they earn or have. Please don't beat yourself up for not being an

entrepeneur. Some of the wealthiest people in the USA have made a

fortune on a teacher's salary (lived below their means and made smart

investments- my bestfriend for example is a third grade teacher and

well on her way to being wealthy w/the lifestyle she maintains).

Kerrie

> > >

> > > Sofia,

> > > You reminded me of my getting-into-Columbia-story. It was my

> > first-choice school, but instead I had to go to a " lesser school "

> > because that school had offered me a full scholarship with room

and

> > board, and Columbia would have required my parents to pay a small-

-

> > and I mean a small--amount toward room and board. " They couldn't

> > afford it, " (oh, they could).

> > >

> > > It's not so much the fact that the other school was a " lesser

> > school " that galled me--but the fact that nada and stepdad would

> > not extend themselves, nor pay one " unnecessary " cent--in order

for

> > me to go to a place that I really wanted. I ended up going to a

> > school that I had zero interest in attending, in a city in which

I

> > had zero interest in living.

> > >

> > > My silver lining is that I met my husband at the " lesser

school "

> > and he has been such a blessing in my life.

> > >

> > > But even now, years later, the idea that they totally

> > disregarded my wishes and were unwilling to spend one cent on my

> > education--that still makes me angry. They were spoiled because

> > they got rid of me free of charge at the boarding school's

expense

> > for four years, and they would be d***ed if they would start

> > spending money on me at that point.

> > >

> > > So many years later, but still angry. Sheesh.

> > > Flea

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Yahoo! Mail

> > > Bring photos to life! New PhotoMail makes sharing a breeze.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Again, just amazing - I had this too. I had a special scholarship

that would pay for any college that I was admitted to - ANY college.

My mother was unwilling to pay her portion for room and board, so I

could not even apply for government aid. In the end, I ended up

attending the local state U and living at home which was far inferior

to where I could have gone. I'll never know what would have happened

had I been able to go to the best college possible, but I'll always

know she denied me the opportunity. There was no talk of her

hitting up other relatives for money or taking out a loan - it was

just out of the question. Oh and my father who lived elsewhere when

I asked HIM for help...said sure honey, if you come live with me and

go to the local state school in my city then I'll help you. Two for

two. I had broken my back since 6th grade to make A's because I knew

that was the only way I'd ever go to college, ever have a chance to

be free.

Bridget, I loved your success about going to study abroad - WOW!

And that " you are the center of your own universe " quote just amazing!

sunny

> > >

> > > Sofia,

> > > You reminded me of my getting-into-Columbia-story. It was my

> > first-choice school, but instead I had to go to a " lesser school "

> > because that school had offered me a full scholarship with room

and

> > board, and Columbia would have required my parents to pay a small-

-

> > and I mean a small--amount toward room and board. " They couldn't

> > afford it, " (oh, they could).

> > >

> > > It's not so much the fact that the other school was a " lesser

> > school " that galled me--but the fact that nada and stepdad would

> > not extend themselves, nor pay one " unnecessary " cent--in order

for

> > me to go to a place that I really wanted. I ended up going to a

> > school that I had zero interest in attending, in a city in which

I

> > had zero interest in living.

> > >

> > > My silver lining is that I met my husband at the " lesser

school "

> > and he has been such a blessing in my life.

> > >

> > > But even now, years later, the idea that they totally

> > disregarded my wishes and were unwilling to spend one cent on my

> > education--that still makes me angry. They were spoiled because

> > they got rid of me free of charge at the boarding school's

expense

> > for four years, and they would be d***ed if they would start

> > spending money on me at that point.

> > >

> > > So many years later, but still angry. Sheesh.

> > > Flea

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Yahoo! Mail

> > > Bring photos to life! New PhotoMail makes sharing a breeze.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much Bridget for starting this subject line. Thanks so

much everyone for posting. This issue is so important to my

recovery. It is central. Any straggler stories out there, it's not

too late to post! Every word I read on this subject helps me feel

less alone...

Bks it's not just me, then? They bragged in public about what high

achievers we were. They pushed us and pressured us and acted like

we were nothing without perfection. Then they wouldn't let us go to

college. What on earth? It is mind boggling.

Thanks Kerrie because your message was especially helpful for me to

see the big picture. My parents also made too much money for me to

get loans. My dishrag was absolutely appalling. He didn't bother

to find out what the requirements were ahead of time. He made me

apply for financial aid at the one competetive school I'd been

accepted to. When they turned us down completely, I was

devastated. And he explicitly refused to apply for the parental

loan. He was cruel about it, too. I remember him using a terrible

tone, as if I had asked him to commit a heinous criminal act. I

felt like the scum of the earth. But I see from reading Kerrie's

post, this was not all MY responsibility. I was a child, I didn't

understand finances. A child needs parents help to get to college.

And what I had was parents sabotaging.

I worked as hard as I could in college, which was difficult,

considering all the emotional turmoil, and I got into a decent grad

school out of state. Dishrag again would not help. Instead he

bought a luxury home for nada, made all sorts of bad 'investments'

and took four figure vacations. I took out loans because by that

time, I was old enough. Now some days I feel crippled and terrified

from all the debt I have on my back. It was the only way I could

get out, though. And THEY set it up this way. They made the

choice, and they still make it every day. And they give me shit

about my debt, too, as if I'm in some terrible mess, so dangerous

and awful that I'm going to explode into a million bits.

By the way, the PURPOSE of all this was not just to get away from

them. I had a real interest in the degree. I use it every day, and

I do important things. And I had a right to be who I am, by going

to an out of state school. But that is not how they frame it. They

frame it that I was so mean and selfish, I hated them so much, that

I went into astronomical debt just to leave them. And they are

gleeful about my debt, because it punishes me for what I did to

them. They continue to spend money on luxuries while I struggle to

continue my education and career. It's not the reason I went to

grad school. But I do very much hate them--or at least this

particular action of theirs. And I see that dishrag was just as bad

as nada. He might as well be a nada. He completely bought into her

way of thinking and acting, on the subject that was more important

to me than any other in my life.

In the past weeks I have 'released' dishrag and stopped taking him

seriously, just like I did with nada as a child. It's been very

painful bks he is a dishrag, not a fada. But he derserves it.

Charlie

> > > >

> > > > Sofia,

> > > > You reminded me of my getting-into-Columbia-story. It was

my

> > > first-choice school, but instead I had to go to a " lesser

school "

> > > because that school had offered me a full scholarship with

room

> and

> > > board, and Columbia would have required my parents to pay a

small-

> -

> > > and I mean a small--amount toward room and board. " They

couldn't

> > > afford it, " (oh, they could).

> > > >

> > > > It's not so much the fact that the other school was

a " lesser

> > > school " that galled me--but the fact that nada and stepdad

would

> > > not extend themselves, nor pay one " unnecessary " cent--in

order

> for

> > > me to go to a place that I really wanted. I ended up going to

a

> > > school that I had zero interest in attending, in a city in

which

> I

> > > had zero interest in living.

> > > >

> > > > My silver lining is that I met my husband at the " lesser

> school "

> > > and he has been such a blessing in my life.

> > > >

> > > > But even now, years later, the idea that they totally

> > > disregarded my wishes and were unwilling to spend one cent on

my

> > > education--that still makes me angry. They were spoiled

because

> > > they got rid of me free of charge at the boarding school's

> expense

> > > for four years, and they would be d***ed if they would start

> > > spending money on me at that point.

> > > >

> > > > So many years later, but still angry. Sheesh.

> > > > Flea

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Yahoo! Mail

> > > > Bring photos to life! New PhotoMail makes sharing a breeze.

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Kerrie-

Thank you for saying this. You have no idea how much

it means to me. Nothing I’ve done with my life has

ever been good enough for FOO. When it came time to

consider college, I had ZERO guidance from fada and

really would have welcomed direction from a family

member. I felt absolutely lost and helpless, not

knowing anything about college applications or any of

the other stuff that factored into making such weighty

decisions. Hindsight being 20-20, now I see that I

could have availed myself of a counselor to help me

steer through it…but the truth was that I was afraid

and ashamed and would have died before admitting it.

The thought of a big college campus (while it did have

a certain draw of hope) was too big and

overwhelming…too much chance of failure. My grades

weren’t great either (but that’s an entirely different

story full of mixed messages and FOO sabotage).

Meantime, fada expected me to know what to do

automatically and wanted to know where he was going to

send me to college. That was a real shock because it

was the first time he mentioned anything about

college. I said I didn’t want to go…and he said that

whatever decision I made right then was final. So I

lost my opportunity for fada to contribute for college

(sometimes I wonder if it ever really existed). I

know that even if there was a real offer of help

there, he would have gotten very offended at being

asked for his financial information…he was really

weird about that. But I’ve also blamed myself

enormously for being so clueless, shouldn’t I have

been preparing all along for this? I eventually put

myself through business college without his support,

financial or otherwise and have borne tons of

criticism because I don’t have status or a pile of

money. People having value by the fact they exist…I

think this should be a new mantra for me. I also like

the fact that you value your management of the

household enough to feel that your thrift generates an

income of its own. I can really appreciate this

attitude in the light that I too am working to get out

of debt (and rebuild my icky credit).

Sakura

But again, I think people have value by the very fact

they exist- not for what they earn or have. Please

don't beat yourself up for not being an

entrepeneur. Some of the wealthiest people in the USA

have made a

fortune on a teacher's salary (lived below their means

and made smart

investments- my bestfriend for example is a third

grade teacher and

well on her way to being wealthy w/the lifestyle she

maintains).