Re: Disowned

[Guest guest]

The up side is: you will never have to endure the punishment of being an

inferior daughter, sibling again. It can get a whole lot worse...they may

begin

to send 'guilt' cards/messages/letters/gifts.

Enjoy your liberation while it lasts.

CarolC.

In a message dated 2/1/2006 5:18:13 PM Eastern Standard Time,

jewelry_luvr@... writes:

Hi. I'm new to the group, 30 years old, female. My mother stopped

speaking to me because I got engaged while visiting my now husband's

family. She tried everything in her power to stop my wedding. We are

now married, and I have no contact with her, my father, or my brother.

We have much more family, all of whom my mother has written off for

speaking to me. Any advice for how to cope with the idea that I will

never have a mother, father, or brother again?

[Guest guest]

Are you in theropy? It helps me alot. I lost a mother, 2 sisters and a

codependent friend in a course of 6 months. Not easy! My nada died,

and I had to end any relatioship with my 2 sisters ( all BPD's ).

I also ended a relationship with a dysfuntional friend. The more you

heal the less room in your life for dysfuntional people, including

family. You will grieve for your lose, but you should also grieve for

your missed childhood.

Good Luck-

[Guest guest]

> Any advice for how to cope with the idea that I will

> never have a mother, father, or brother again?

I haven't gone through what you are going through. I still have

contact with my mother.

I just remembered something Dr. has said. The trick is to quit

living in the past and feeling like a victim. To embrace the good

things in your present life. There is really nothing you can do to

change the past or what your mother is like. You have the rest of

your life to live, and have the right to feeling happy and building

for your own future and the future of your unborn children. She

really recommends getting involved in serving others in some capacity

and making a conscious effort to dwell on the positives in your life.

I think it is great advice. Her book Bad Childhood, Good Life is

really applicable to us KO's.

I also know that feeling lonely and mourning the loss of family is

never easy, but it is a decision we have to make, whether to be

miserable or move on. (According to Dr. ) I wish you well with

this.

Welcome to the group. If you are like me, you will learn many

important things here. Dee

[Guest guest]

> Any advice for how to cope with the idea that I will

> never have a mother, father, or brother again?

Hi jewelrylover,

You cannot do their behaviour for them.

You still have a father and brother. You still have a woman who gave

birth to you. I would not call that enough to make her a mother though.

Clearly she didn't unconditionally love you.

So there's the first one: your mother as a mothering person was an

illusion.

Your father and brother are (presumably) fearful of the tidal-waves Nada

will make for them should they speak to you. This is an EXTREMELY real

fear. You have no control over her actions (arguably, she does not

either).

This may make you laugh, but does she have a problem with your husband?

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Hi jewelry_luvr

In my experience, if there's one constant in being disowned by a

Borderline " Mother " is that you will be re-owned in a time of need.

And then, you'll miss being disowned.

When I eloped, my borderline " mother " disowned me for three months

then she re-owned me. When my Fada died, my BPD " mother " disowned me

in front of everyone in the funeral home. A few months later she

re-owned me. And about five years ago she disowned me in the vilest

of ways, by telling me that she " could not have any relationship with

me. " And after that I was entirely NC for 7 blissful months until

she phoned and chastised me b/c she turned 70 and was " all alone. "

So, if your BPD " mother " is anything like mine, you will be

" re-possessed. " My experience is that it's only a matter of time

until one is temporarily split " good " ....and then " bad " again and

again and again ad nauseum (lol).

Best,

Lula

>

> Hi. I'm new to the group, 30 years old, female. My mother stopped

> speaking to me because I got engaged while visiting my now husband's

> family. She tried everything in her power to stop my wedding. We are

> now married, and I have no contact with her, my father, or my brother.

> We have much more family, all of whom my mother has written off for

> speaking to me. Any advice for how to cope with the idea that I will

> never have a mother, father, or brother again?

>

[Guest guest]

> In my experience, if there's one constant in being disowned by a

> Borderline " Mother " is that you will be re-owned in a time of need.

> And then, you'll miss being disowned.

>

________________

Oh wow, I should have given you tips. I told everyone exactly what

living with Yeti was like, and told them to ring Dad if they wanted

confirmation of what I said.

I'm proud to say that made me disowned for good.

However, it was initially painful. (before she disowned me.). I had to

very clinically go through what she had done and what I'd have " backup "

for. They can make black look white. So I had to go through everything

she had done, and sort from that what other people had witnessed.

SO my step-dad rang dad and gave him a few questions. Dad (apparently)

said " Yes, yes, yes... " ............

It was quite different from the Revision of Reality Yeti had told

everyone. Stepdad nearly dropped the phone on one occasion. So then Yeti

had to explain why she'd lied her arse off for 15 years. Oh dear, no

wonder she has disowned me, I let *everyone* know she was a bullshit

artist.

In the long run, anyone is better off without a Borderline.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Hi, and welcome to the group.

Your situation is similar to what mine was - many years ago. My nada

(the person who is 'not a mother') was thrilled that I became

engaged. She didn't like the fact that we had some definite ideas of

where and how we were getting married. So no one in my family came to

my wedding. However, for the most part, we remained in contact for

most of my adult life. I did not know about BPD at that time. I wish

I had, because this knowledge may have helped me to undo the damage of

her 'mothering' much earlier in my life.

First, congratulations to you for doing what you wanted to do, and not

giving into your mother's unrealistic demands. That is a great

start. Learn what you can about BPD, but at the same time, pace

yourself. As you learn, you will see how her disorder affected you in

ways you may not have realized. You can heal from that. All of this

will help you develop the strength you need to deal with your

situation.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi. I'm new to the group, 30 years old, female. My mother stopped

> speaking to me because I got engaged while visiting my now husband's

> family. She tried everything in her power to stop my wedding. We

are

> now married, and I have no contact with her, my father, or my

brother.

> We have much more family, all of whom my mother has written off for

> speaking to me. Any advice for how to cope with the idea that I

will

> never have a mother, father, or brother again?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi jewelry_luvr:

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I too have been there and am

still going through it.

My nada has disowned everyone at some point in her life. There are a

million + reasons including such trivial ones as looking at her

the " wrong way " ! I watched her " disown " every single member of my

entire family as I grew up. I'm an only child and my father worked

away from home (only came home for the weekends). We lived in a

neighborhood where there were no kids so it was always just my Nada

and me!!!! Although she always threatened to find a " replacement " for

me, I never really thought that she would since by cutting me out of

her life, she would REALLY be alone alone.

Once I had a child however, I soon learned that I was

expendable...just like everyone else. After my father died, she

decided to try to " live her life " through my child. Once I tried to

start limiting my childs exposure to her and set boundaries as to what

was/was not acceptable behaviour with my child, all HELL broke out.

She told me repeatedly that I would be " one very sorry young lady " if

I tried to " change " the relationship she had with my son. She mounted

a distortion campaign against my husband and me (which is what I

expected her to do). She would actually tell me the stories she had

started to circulate about us. She told me how she enjoyed watching

the " shocked " looks on peoples faces as she told her " stories " .

Fortunately for us, we quickly learned that people where " shocked " not

because they believed her....but because they couldn't believe a

mother would be doing what she was doing to her family!!! She

actually told some pretty outrageous lies that people KNEW where not

true.

Anyway, when that tactic didn't work, she started telling me that the

minister of our church and all of her friends told her that she needed

to just cut me out of her life ( what a Christian thing to do)!!! She

actually did disown me in front of my son's entire team at an athletic

event. Believe it or not, I wasn't even there when she disowned me.

She was apparently ranting and raving to everyone she saw at the

event. I was late and missed the spectacle, although as soon as I

walked in she informed me that I was disowned and I needed to get

everything I still had at her house out...that afternoon!!! Anyway,

I've been told by other parents there that they couldn't believe what

she was saying.....and refuse to tell me because they say it was so

hurtful. Would you believe that after my husband and I got the few

things I still had stored in the basement that afternoon(I was not

allowed to take anything of mine she had displayed in the house unless

I bought a replacement of equal or greater value!!!) she asked when we

could go out for lunch...after all she just wanted to be my friend!!!

So, for once in my life I told her that I felt that the way she had

treated us, she already disowned us and that " friends " don't

treat " friends " like she treats us. I told her that she needed to

ACCEPT the fact that she had disowned me. I also told her that I

accepted being disowned and that I was OK with it.

Now as someone else has pointed out...in times of need they want you

bakc in your life. I tried once (out of guilt) to have minimum

contact with her but of course it was short lived and I will not do it

again.

She has now turned the entire story around to where I was the one that

disowned her!!!! Fortunately I have quite a few witnesses to

my " disowning " ....of course she doesn't remember any of it!!!!

Since I am an only child, I do feel very guilty about what is to

become of her as she ages (she's close to 80). She is earnestly

trying to find a " replacement " daughter now. She'll find someone

to " dote " on, but it never lasts long. She's even talked about

adopting someone! (If she ever goes that far...although I don't think

anyone 80 can adopt a child....I would do anything in my power to stop

it). My son still talks to her once a week on the phone so I try to

keep up with how she's doing that way. If she gets ill I know that

I'll do whatever I have to do when the time comes.

Anyway, sorry about my rambling. I find that as time goes by, more

and more people tell me that distancing myself from my mother was

probably one of the best things I ever did. How sad!

I know that ultimately, I " remain " disowned to save myself, not to

hurt her.

[Guest guest]

>Do you have any siblings? The hardest thing for me to understand is

>why my brother and father enable her behavior. She has turned on

them >many times and will in the future

Hi , Yes, I have two sisters. One of them seems to understand

about the borderline thing but can't get to where she can set any

boundaries for herself. I used to be the one who had to deal with all

the drama, but now my mom turns to her and I am happy to have it that

way. The other sister just keeps going on in denial. We all deal

with her, but each one of us has handled it in our own way. It is

very common here on the board to see your exact situation. It takes

strengh to do what is best for you and break away from all the

enmeshment and sickness. Some people just stay in the comfort zone

they were raised with. Husbands of BPDs either get the heck out of

there or they give in and stay and live in denial. My dad took the

second choice. I'm glad he stayed and was in my life. (He passed away

last spring) It helped to have one sane parent even though he

accepted the way mom was. And, yes, she took everything out on him.

He just learned to turn it off. That was frustrating to her, but he

refused to argue or react in any way. I guess for him that was a

victory of sorts.

You are the strong one in your family. Take note and celebrate your

own independence and realize they have to decide for themselves how

their lives will be. Stay strong. Dee

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Sorry about your nada....Yes, it makes sense in the World of Oz!

I was reading in the " Suriving a Borderline Parent " book, that certain

triggers set them off into episodes.

These include marriages, funerals, birth of granchildren, even pets.

In short, what sets off a BPD is anything that creates a sense of

abandonment (their greatest fear).

The BPDs don't understand that their offspring can get married and

that they will still be loved. For them, it's an " either or "

situation. Either there's love for them or for someone else. It's a

kind of " splitting " all-or-nothing, black or white thinking, kind of

thing.

My nada even likes to control who I talk to. Most recently, she got

upset that I spoke to my DH's aunt on the phone. Nada explcitly told

me, " I want you to talk to me. " My nada went into a rage because my

uncle mourned the death of his cat. She raged the death of her

husband 15 years ago (my uncle's brother) was what uncle should mourn.

She does not comprehend that uncle could mourn both. Every emotion

is split into an either-or emoton.

There's nothing to do about it, but being aware of their mental

illness and where it's coming from really helps. Your nada does sound

eerily like mine. I am so sorry that you have to experience this too.

I haven't seen mine since 1998 (long story alrady posted many times)

when she threw DH and I out of her house and gave us the " Italian

Fist " salute in a fit of rage and told us we would rot in HeXX. "

I speak to her on the phone and would like to limit my contact more

because I see how she invokes guilt of abandonment and still tries to

control my life, 3000 miles away. Ironically, if I lived close to

her, and was able to visit, I would have horrific episodes of her rage

and craziness, but I sure would have a mother with any inkling of

normalcy who I abandoned.

Anyway, , you know, we all know, that none of this is your/our

fault. NC is a good thing. Please take care and pleae be happy (we

all deservet this.)

With regard to the fiancee, it's only a matter of time until she finds

out on her own. Remember, nadas fear abandonment and are jealous of

spouses of their offspring. Ths is one of the biggest triggers for

BPDs. BPDs ae known to misbehave terribly at weddings, in their mind,

one of the ultimate " abandoments. " At least this fiancee was

forewared. There's nothing else you can do, but to free yourself from

this enmeshment. You can only take care of yourself, and you (and all

of us here) deserve to be happy and free. (In a sad kind of way, the

" good " news is that now your nada has a new " target " that is not you.)

Hugs,

Lula

>

> I just feel like I allowed a big scab to be picked off and it is

very upsetting to me. I don't feel comfortable telling this woman to

stop because I'm sure my mother has told terrible lies about me and

now I feel I have to be " all good " to dispell those lies.

>

> Does this make sense?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, as I was reading your reply, it sounded almost as though we

lived the same life. My mother (not sure what nada stands for)told

everyone that I decided I was too good for the family since I married

a doctor, so in fact, that I disowned them.

Do you live close by to your mother? What I can't get is how my

brother denies her level of disturbance. After all, she has turned

on him and done the same things in the past.

My mother has had people fired from jobs. She turned my brother into

zoning, tried to have his ex-girlfriend fired, called the house using

profane language, and did everything she could to break them up. She

was successful. Did he forget this?

My father had to attend his parents' furneral alone because she had

started such a war with them. Did he forget this?

Why don't they get it?

>

> Hi jewelry_luvr:

>

> Sorry to hear what you're going through. I too have been there and

am

> still going through it.

>

> My nada has disowned everyone at some point in her life. There are

a

> million + reasons including such trivial ones as looking at her

> the " wrong way " ! I watched her " disown " every single member of my

> entire family as I grew up. I'm an only child and my father worked

> away from home (only came home for the weekends). We lived in a

> neighborhood where there were no kids so it was always just my Nada

> and me!!!! Although she always threatened to find a " replacement "

for

> me, I never really thought that she would since by cutting me out

of

> her life, she would REALLY be alone alone.

>

> Once I had a child however, I soon learned that I was

> expendable...just like everyone else. After my father died, she

> decided to try to " live her life " through my child. Once I tried

to

> start limiting my childs exposure to her and set boundaries as to

what

> was/was not acceptable behaviour with my child, all HELL broke out.

>

> She told me repeatedly that I would be " one very sorry young lady "

if

> I tried to " change " the relationship she had with my son. She

mounted

> a distortion campaign against my husband and me (which is what I

> expected her to do). She would actually tell me the stories she

had

> started to circulate about us. She told me how she enjoyed watching

> the " shocked " looks on peoples faces as she told her " stories " .

> Fortunately for us, we quickly learned that people where " shocked "

not

> because they believed her....but because they couldn't believe a

> mother would be doing what she was doing to her family!!! She

> actually told some pretty outrageous lies that people KNEW where

not

> true.

>

> Anyway, when that tactic didn't work, she started telling me that

the

> minister of our church and all of her friends told her that she

needed

> to just cut me out of her life ( what a Christian thing to do)!!!

She

> actually did disown me in front of my son's entire team at an

athletic

> event. Believe it or not, I wasn't even there when she disowned

me.

> She was apparently ranting and raving to everyone she saw at the

> event. I was late and missed the spectacle, although as soon as I

> walked in she informed me that I was disowned and I needed to get

> everything I still had at her house out...that afternoon!!!

Anyway,

> I've been told by other parents there that they couldn't believe

what

> she was saying.....and refuse to tell me because they say it was so

> hurtful. Would you believe that after my husband and I got the few

> things I still had stored in the basement that afternoon(I was not

> allowed to take anything of mine she had displayed in the house

unless

> I bought a replacement of equal or greater value!!!) she asked when

we

> could go out for lunch...after all she just wanted to be my

friend!!!

>

>

> So, for once in my life I told her that I felt that the way she

had

> treated us, she already disowned us and that " friends " don't

> treat " friends " like she treats us. I told her that she needed to

> ACCEPT the fact that she had disowned me. I also told her that I

> accepted being disowned and that I was OK with it.

>

> Now as someone else has pointed out...in times of need they want

you

> bakc in your life. I tried once (out of guilt) to have minimum

> contact with her but of course it was short lived and I will not do

it

> again.

>

> She has now turned the entire story around to where I was the one

that

> disowned her!!!! Fortunately I have quite a few witnesses to

> my " disowning " ....of course she doesn't remember any of it!!!!

>

> Since I am an only child, I do feel very guilty about what is to

> become of her as she ages (she's close to 80). She is earnestly

> trying to find a " replacement " daughter now. She'll find someone

> to " dote " on, but it never lasts long. She's even talked about

> adopting someone! (If she ever goes that far...although I don't

think

> anyone 80 can adopt a child....I would do anything in my power to

stop

> it). My son still talks to her once a week on the phone so I try

to

> keep up with how she's doing that way. If she gets ill I know that

> I'll do whatever I have to do when the time comes.

>

> Anyway, sorry about my rambling. I find that as time goes by, more

> and more people tell me that distancing myself from my mother was

> probably one of the best things I ever did. How sad!

>

> I know that ultimately, I " remain " disowned to save myself, not to

> hurt her.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, as I was reading your reply, it sounded almost as though we

lived the same life. My mother (not sure what nada stands for)told

everyone that I decided I was too good for the family since I married

a doctor, so in fact, that I disowned them.

Do you live close by to your mother? What I can't get is how my

brother denies her level of disturbance. After all, she has turned

on him and done the same things in the past.

My mother has had people fired from jobs. She turned my brother into

zoning, tried to have his ex-girlfriend fired, called the house using

profane language, and did everything she could to break them up. She

was successful. Did he forget this?

My father had to attend his parents' furneral alone because she had

started such a war with them. Did he forget this?

Why don't they get it?

>

> Hi jewelry_luvr:

>

> Sorry to hear what you're going through. I too have been there and

am

> still going through it.

>

> My nada has disowned everyone at some point in her life. There are

a

> million + reasons including such trivial ones as looking at her

> the " wrong way " ! I watched her " disown " every single member of my

> entire family as I grew up. I'm an only child and my father worked

> away from home (only came home for the weekends). We lived in a

> neighborhood where there were no kids so it was always just my Nada

> and me!!!! Although she always threatened to find a " replacement "

for

> me, I never really thought that she would since by cutting me out

of

> her life, she would REALLY be alone alone.

>

> Once I had a child however, I soon learned that I was

> expendable...just like everyone else. After my father died, she

> decided to try to " live her life " through my child. Once I tried

to

> start limiting my childs exposure to her and set boundaries as to

what

> was/was not acceptable behaviour with my child, all HELL broke out.

>

> She told me repeatedly that I would be " one very sorry young lady "

if

> I tried to " change " the relationship she had with my son. She

mounted

> a distortion campaign against my husband and me (which is what I

> expected her to do). She would actually tell me the stories she

had

> started to circulate about us. She told me how she enjoyed watching

> the " shocked " looks on peoples faces as she told her " stories " .

> Fortunately for us, we quickly learned that people where " shocked "

not

> because they believed her....but because they couldn't believe a

> mother would be doing what she was doing to her family!!! She

> actually told some pretty outrageous lies that people KNEW where

not

> true.

>

> Anyway, when that tactic didn't work, she started telling me that

the

> minister of our church and all of her friends told her that she

needed

> to just cut me out of her life ( what a Christian thing to do)!!!

She

> actually did disown me in front of my son's entire team at an

athletic

> event. Believe it or not, I wasn't even there when she disowned

me.

> She was apparently ranting and raving to everyone she saw at the

> event. I was late and missed the spectacle, although as soon as I

> walked in she informed me that I was disowned and I needed to get

> everything I still had at her house out...that afternoon!!!

Anyway,

> I've been told by other parents there that they couldn't believe

what

> she was saying.....and refuse to tell me because they say it was so

> hurtful. Would you believe that after my husband and I got the few

> things I still had stored in the basement that afternoon(I was not

> allowed to take anything of mine she had displayed in the house

unless

> I bought a replacement of equal or greater value!!!) she asked when

we

> could go out for lunch...after all she just wanted to be my

friend!!!

>

>

> So, for once in my life I told her that I felt that the way she

had

> treated us, she already disowned us and that " friends " don't

> treat " friends " like she treats us. I told her that she needed to

> ACCEPT the fact that she had disowned me. I also told her that I

> accepted being disowned and that I was OK with it.

>

> Now as someone else has pointed out...in times of need they want

you

> bakc in your life. I tried once (out of guilt) to have minimum

> contact with her but of course it was short lived and I will not do

it

> again.

>

> She has now turned the entire story around to where I was the one

that

> disowned her!!!! Fortunately I have quite a few witnesses to

> my " disowning " ....of course she doesn't remember any of it!!!!

>

> Since I am an only child, I do feel very guilty about what is to

> become of her as she ages (she's close to 80). She is earnestly

> trying to find a " replacement " daughter now. She'll find someone

> to " dote " on, but it never lasts long. She's even talked about

> adopting someone! (If she ever goes that far...although I don't

think

> anyone 80 can adopt a child....I would do anything in my power to

stop

> it). My son still talks to her once a week on the phone so I try

to

> keep up with how she's doing that way. If she gets ill I know that

> I'll do whatever I have to do when the time comes.

>

> Anyway, sorry about my rambling. I find that as time goes by, more

> and more people tell me that distancing myself from my mother was

> probably one of the best things I ever did. How sad!

>

> I know that ultimately, I " remain " disowned to save myself, not to

> hurt her.

>

[Guest guest]

Hmm...how to answer that one. She referred to him as my discourteous

fiancee to everyone she spoke with.

When he came over when I was dating him, she acted nice, never said

anything bad. Most of her attacks have been directed at me.

She did, however, call our rabbi, and try to convince him that my

husband was not Jewish (a lie) so that he would not marry us. It's

hard to say.

Ah, yes, there was the time he bought her alcohol for her birthday

and being an alcoholic (which I never told him) she felt he was

slighting her.

She has had a problem w/ every boyfriend, friend, coworker of

mine...so I guess the short answer to your question is yes.

> > Any advice for how to cope with the idea that I will

> > never have a mother, father, or brother again?

>

> Hi jewelrylover,

> You cannot do their behaviour for them.

> You still have a father and brother. You still have a woman who gave

> birth to you. I would not call that enough to make her a mother

though.

> Clearly she didn't unconditionally love you.

> So there's the first one: your mother as a mothering person was an

> illusion.

> Your father and brother are (presumably) fearful of the tidal-waves

Nada

> will make for them should they speak to you. This is an EXTREMELY

real

> fear. You have no control over her actions (arguably, she does not

> either).

>

> This may make you laugh, but does she have a problem with your

husband?

>

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Doubtful, the last card I received was an engagement card that

read, " Hope you both reap what you have sewn. " Inside was a red ink

letter stating, " Consider me nothing more than an incubator for your

birth. Go dig you real mother up in Homewood cemetary (she was

referring to my aunt who was a therapist), and do not mention my name

in your nuptuals. "

>

>

> The up side is: you will never have to endure the punishment of

being an

> inferior daughter, sibling again. It can get a whole lot

worse...they may begin

> to send 'guilt' cards/messages/letters/gifts.

>

> Enjoy your liberation while it lasts.

>

> CarolC.

>

>

> In a message dated 2/1/2006 5:18:13 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> jewelry_luvr@... writes:

>

> Hi. I'm new to the group, 30 years old, female. My mother

stopped

> speaking to me because I got engaged while visiting my now

husband's

> family. She tried everything in her power to stop my wedding.

We are

> now married, and I have no contact with her, my father, or my

brother.

> We have much more family, all of whom my mother has written off

for

> speaking to me. Any advice for how to cope with the idea that I

will

> never have a mother, father, or brother again?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Wow, as I was reading your reply, it sounded almost as though we

> lived the same life. My mother (not sure what nada stands for)

told

> everyone that I decided I was too good for the family since I

married

> a doctor, so in fact, that I disowned them.

>

> Do you live close by to your mother? What I can't get is how my

> brother denies her level of disturbance. After all, she has

turned

> on him and done the same things in the past.

>

In answer to your questions:

1. Nada means (not a mother)

2. Yes, we live in the same town. I was fortunate enough to live

here for several years before she and my father moved here. My

father had become very sick and we thought that by them moving here,

it would be better (my husband (at the time) was a doctor too!).

Since we had lived here before her arrival, people got to know

the " real " us before she could start her distortion campaigns.

3.As for being able to deny what they do.....

I didn't know about BP and felt sorry for my mother being all alone

in a new town when my father passed away (they had only lived here

for about 6 months). So, I decided to include her in EVERYTHING.

It was the biggest mistake of my life....but it was how I learned

that she was mentally ill. I saw how she tried to make my 5 year

old son (at the time) TOTALLY dependent on her. She honestly tried

to convince him that if she were not there, he could not do

anything!!!! Although she had raised me the same way ( I could do

nothing without her input, consent, advise, etc..... I was

more " married " to my mother than I was to my own husband. It wasn't

until I actually saw her manipulate my son that it " hit " me how

wrong it all was. I guess up until then, as long as her focus was

on me, I had learned how to let everything " slide off my back " . I

would not allow her to do the same to my son however, and I could no

longer tolerate her behaviour. As I said in my previous post, she

had always " threatened " to find a substitute daughter, but when she

started talking about find a substitute grandchild, I drew the

line. (In that particular instance, my son had simply stated that

he didn't like a particular subject in school very much. He was in

elementary school and she informed him that NO grandchild of hers

would not be a straight A student and if he started to not get A's

she would move away and never see him again. I couldn't believe

what I was hearing!!!! In addition, when my son had left the room,

she told me what little girl she was thinking about " substituting "

for my son as her " new " grandchild. Talk about warped!!!!) Anyway,

you can imagine how things went from there.

Again, sorry about the rambling but to recap...I guess what it took

for me to finally realize how disturbing her behaviour is was to

watch her treat someone I loved the same way she had treated me all

of my life. Perhaps your brother is the same way.

[Guest guest]

H ,

So....you're one of the lucky permanently disowned ones! That's

great! lol

I forget where the word " Yeti " comes from....is that one of the

characters in Star Wars? It's an interesting name.....I like it.

-Lula

> > In my experience, if there's one constant in being disowned by a

> > Borderline " Mother " is that you will be re-owned in a time of need.

> > And then, you'll miss being disowned.

> >

> ________________

>

> Oh wow, I should have given you tips. I told everyone exactly what

> living with Yeti was like, and told them to ring Dad if they wanted

> confirmation of what I said.

>

> I'm proud to say that made me disowned for good.

>

> However, it was initially painful. (before she disowned me.). I had to

> very clinically go through what she had done and what I'd have " backup "

> for. They can make black look white. So I had to go through everything

> she had done, and sort from that what other people had witnessed.

>

> SO my step-dad rang dad and gave him a few questions. Dad (apparently)

> said " Yes, yes, yes... " ............

>

> It was quite different from the Revision of Reality Yeti had told

> everyone. Stepdad nearly dropped the phone on one occasion. So then Yeti

> had to explain why she'd lied her arse off for 15 years. Oh dear, no

> wonder she has disowned me, I let *everyone* know she was a bullshit

> artist.

>

> In the long run, anyone is better off without a Borderline.

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

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>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I've been reading your string w/o posting since I'm not disowned.

Actually, my

mom said she was disowning me once and I was actually kind of happy because I

was so

angry at her for the way she treats me--it would be like a guilt-free escape.

It would

make my life easier since my whole family are not only enablers but can even be

abusive

themselves at times.

I hear you with your nada having people fired and getting them into real trouble

when

she's angry. Last year, I had this huge bout with being afraid that if I made

anyone angry

that they would " come after me " in the way I'd seen my mother attack people that

anger

her. It still haunts me because I've seen what someone like that can do to an

honest and

basically good person. And I can be really untrusting and sort of constantly

" covering my

ass " at work.

Maybe you could talk to your colleague and just say something like, " what I said

to you

was said in confidence. It's not really something I would say to everyone at

work. You

couldn't know that because I didn't tell you about it, but I don't really want

everyone to

know. " Then you let her off the hook and I don't think you would look paranoid

or " bad "

for sticking up for yourself.

Trish

> >

> > Hi jewelry_luvr:

> >

> > Sorry to hear what you're going through. I too have been there and

> am

> > still going through it.

> >

> > My nada has disowned everyone at some point in her life. There are

> a

> > million + reasons including such trivial ones as looking at her

> > the " wrong way " ! I watched her " disown " every single member of my

> > entire family as I grew up. I'm an only child and my father worked

> > away from home (only came home for the weekends). We lived in a

> > neighborhood where there were no kids so it was always just my Nada

> > and me!!!! Although she always threatened to find a " replacement "

> for

> > me, I never really thought that she would since by cutting me out

> of

> > her life, she would REALLY be alone alone.

> >

> > Once I had a child however, I soon learned that I was

> > expendable...just like everyone else. After my father died, she

> > decided to try to " live her life " through my child. Once I tried

> to

> > start limiting my childs exposure to her and set boundaries as to

> what

> > was/was not acceptable behaviour with my child, all HELL broke out.

> >

> > She told me repeatedly that I would be " one very sorry young lady "

> if

> > I tried to " change " the relationship she had with my son. She

> mounted

> > a distortion campaign against my husband and me (which is what I

> > expected her to do). She would actually tell me the stories she

> had

> > started to circulate about us. She told me how she enjoyed watching

> > the " shocked " looks on peoples faces as she told her " stories " .

> > Fortunately for us, we quickly learned that people where " shocked "

> not

> > because they believed her....but because they couldn't believe a

> > mother would be doing what she was doing to her family!!! She

> > actually told some pretty outrageous lies that people KNEW where

> not

> > true.

> >

> > Anyway, when that tactic didn't work, she started telling me that

> the

> > minister of our church and all of her friends told her that she

> needed

> > to just cut me out of her life ( what a Christian thing to do)!!!

> She

> > actually did disown me in front of my son's entire team at an

> athletic

> > event. Believe it or not, I wasn't even there when she disowned

> me.

> > She was apparently ranting and raving to everyone she saw at the

> > event. I was late and missed the spectacle, although as soon as I

> > walked in she informed me that I was disowned and I needed to get

> > everything I still had at her house out...that afternoon!!!

> Anyway,

> > I've been told by other parents there that they couldn't believe

> what

> > she was saying.....and refuse to tell me because they say it was so

> > hurtful. Would you believe that after my husband and I got the few

> > things I still had stored in the basement that afternoon(I was not

> > allowed to take anything of mine she had displayed in the house

> unless

> > I bought a replacement of equal or greater value!!!) she asked when

> we

> > could go out for lunch...after all she just wanted to be my

> friend!!!

> >

> >

> > So, for once in my life I told her that I felt that the way she

> had

> > treated us, she already disowned us and that " friends " don't

> > treat " friends " like she treats us. I told her that she needed to

> > ACCEPT the fact that she had disowned me. I also told her that I

> > accepted being disowned and that I was OK with it.

> >

> > Now as someone else has pointed out...in times of need they want

> you

> > bakc in your life. I tried once (out of guilt) to have minimum

> > contact with her but of course it was short lived and I will not do

> it

> > again.

> >

> > She has now turned the entire story around to where I was the one

> that

> > disowned her!!!! Fortunately I have quite a few witnesses to

> > my " disowning " ....of course she doesn't remember any of it!!!!

> >

> > Since I am an only child, I do feel very guilty about what is to

> > become of her as she ages (she's close to 80). She is earnestly

> > trying to find a " replacement " daughter now. She'll find someone

> > to " dote " on, but it never lasts long. She's even talked about

> > adopting someone! (If she ever goes that far...although I don't

> think

> > anyone 80 can adopt a child....I would do anything in my power to

> stop

> > it). My son still talks to her once a week on the phone so I try

> to

> > keep up with how she's doing that way. If she gets ill I know that

> > I'll do whatever I have to do when the time comes.

> >

> > Anyway, sorry about my rambling. I find that as time goes by, more

> > and more people tell me that distancing myself from my mother was

> > probably one of the best things I ever did. How sad!

> >

> > I know that ultimately, I " remain " disowned to save myself, not to

> > hurt her.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> Ok, so how long has it been since you've had contact? I read all

> these postings, and although it feels comforting to know that there

> are others who share my experience and feelings, I wonder why most

> people maintain contact w/ their mothers, no matter how seemingly

> abusive they may be. I am starting to feel like something is wrong

> with me for ending the relationship.

Yes, you feel like something is wrong because normally ending a

relationship with your mother does not even enter anyones mind. But you

haven't got a normal mother, and there's nothing normal with your

relationship with your mother.

A adult relationship with a BP-any BP- is impossible, although some do a

pretty convincing immitation.

No BP can accept (from what I have seen) that people have any

sovereignty, and they definitely don't think they have a right to

sovereignty if the BP isn't part of it. People are seen as fragmented

parts of the BP. And they give you a script to act out, If you think you

are going to do something - for yourself instead of nada - then they

give you the message. And if you think you have the right to leave, they

will fight you as though parts of themselves are dying.

I last spoke to my mother on Christmas 2004 (and the time before that

was Christmas 2003, before that christmas 2002, etc.).

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