Guest guest Posted September 12, 2007 Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 Hi le - If you are like many of us here, it is very easy to feel guilt. You are very welcome on this forum and may find that you have a lot in common with many of us. Yes, some have suffered physical abuse but many of us suffered plenty of emotional and verbal abuse - enough to hurt our spirits and make us need support like this group in our adult lives. I was not physically abused, and i remember my parents constantly telling me this, that I didn't have it badly because, after all, no one was beating me. That thought managed to keep me from seeking help or feeling compassion for myself for a long time. My nada being " normal " really bothered me, because it would cause me to doubt my suspicions that something was dysfunctional in my family, even in my mid-twenties. After all, she couldn't be that bad if she could act normally a day later, right? I must have been imagining it! And the cycle in my family sounds similar to yours. Once i had been in therapy for a few months and went home for a visit, I realized that I couldn't handle it any more - this entire sick system of having someone act (somewhat) normally, then insanely, then abusive, and then storming into her room and slamming the door and emerging 5 hours later - and my father and siblings would all laugh and joke about what a great family this was?!! What?!! Of course you have a right to be angry. You are making a perfectly healthy and rational perception about what is going on, and your FOO is ignoring it because to acknowledge it is not in their best interests. That is their choice, but you have choices too. Personally, I needed to get a lot of distance from my FOO, both geographically and emotionally. Today I speak to them about once a month, when they call. I would have thought that was unimaginable a few years ago,when I used to tell people how close I was to my family! But I would also have thought then that it was unimaginable that I could go for an entire day without trying to find things to feel guilty about. Best of luck, Sara > > I feel somewhat guilty posting on the forum because I wasn't > physically abused as a child. I hope you don't mind me here. I > think my mother gave my father most of the trouble and now as an > adult we all get to deal with her. The control over my life mentally > and verbally is really getting to me. > > That being said-- How do you deal with the cycle of nada when she > becomes somewhat " normal " ? That's where we are right now. > Everything has calmed back down, she is acting like she has the world > under control, has a plan for her life, and I would like to just > throw up. Additionally my parents get very violent when things are > bad and then my dishrag of a father over compensates during the > normal times letting her buy and/or do whatever she wants. I don't > want things to go back to the way they were before. I just want to > hide and have nothing to do with these parents. After reading here > and SWOE, it's so obvious what's going on. No one in my FOO will > support me. They are just so glad everything's over again and hope > it doesn't happen again!! I am so angry. > > Thanks for reading. > > le > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 12, 2007 Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 le- I know how you feel. I wasn't physically abused either so it has taken me a long time to figure out what exactly was wrong with my family because SOMETHING was (is) definately wrong. I think there may be more confusion with us and our BPD parents/relationships because we weren't hit. My parents would say stuff like that too... " well I've NEVER hit you " ...like it was a priveledge and I was lucky they didn't, but by god they let me know I would deserve it. My brother after all these years said my dad used to hit him so I think some of my memories may recall that from when I was little... But the verbal and emotional abuse has underminded my sense of self my whole life. I've never been able to feel how I wanted to feel for fear of retaliation or ridiclue. I would go up in my room for days to avoid my mom and when I came out I would be chastized for being so selfish and solitary and nonsocial. and then go back upstairs. My mom is in a " normal phase " too. So, like you, I'm on pins and needles waiting for the next breakdown and, in my case, probably suicide threat. I also found out today she's having surgery on my birthday this month for a biopsy on a lump that may be cancerous. Unfortunately for her this is her 3 or 4th " I may have cancer be scared for me " routine so she's insulted I'm not taking off of work on my birthday for her surgery. I asked her to reschedule and I'd take her. So, we'll see. Anyway, WELCOME! Sorry I rambled, I just got off the phone with her:) amber > > > > I feel somewhat guilty posting on the forum because I wasn't > > physically abused as a child. I hope you don't mind me here. I > > think my mother gave my father most of the trouble and now as an > > adult we all get to deal with her. The control over my life > mentally > > and verbally is really getting to me. > > > > That being said-- How do you deal with the cycle of nada when she > > becomes somewhat " normal " ? That's where we are right now. > > Everything has calmed back down, she is acting like she has the > world > > under control, has a plan for her life, and I would like to just > > throw up. Additionally my parents get very violent when things > are > > bad and then my dishrag of a father over compensates during the > > normal times letting her buy and/or do whatever she wants. I > don't > > want things to go back to the way they were before. I just want > to > > hide and have nothing to do with these parents. After reading > here > > and SWOE, it's so obvious what's going on. No one in my FOO will > > support me. They are just so glad everything's over again and > hope > > it doesn't happen again!! I am so angry. > > > > Thanks for reading. > > > > le > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 12, 2007 Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 LOL! my nada pulled the it might be cancer routine several times over the span of thirty years. It was allways something benign. Then not long ago my cousin sent an urgent email that '____ is sick " and explained she had a malignant lump in her breast. I shot back that it might mean something to her but i don't want to hear anything about nadas ache and pains. Geesh what about the malignacy of her mental illness impacting others around them? I wish they were as concerned about that. No it was too easy to throw Tina at the wolves so I could be thier sacrificail lamb. > > > > > > I feel somewhat guilty posting on the forum because I wasn't > > > physically abused as a child. I hope you don't mind me here. I > > > think my mother gave my father most of the trouble and now as an > > > adult we all get to deal with her. The control over my life > > mentally > > > and verbally is really getting to me. > > > > > > That being said-- How do you deal with the cycle of nada when > she > > > becomes somewhat " normal " ? That's where we are right now. > > > Everything has calmed back down, she is acting like she has the > > world > > > under control, has a plan for her life, and I would like to just > > > throw up. Additionally my parents get very violent when things > > are > > > bad and then my dishrag of a father over compensates during the > > > normal times letting her buy and/or do whatever she wants. I > > don't > > > want things to go back to the way they were before. I just want > > to > > > hide and have nothing to do with these parents. After reading > > here > > > and SWOE, it's so obvious what's going on. No one in my FOO will > > > support me. They are just so glad everything's over again and > > hope > > > it doesn't happen again!! I am so angry. > > > > > > Thanks for reading. > > > > > > le > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 12, 2007 Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 Ah yes, the cancer/other terminal illness of some sort deal. My Nada used to pull that quite a bit. " My chest and shoulder hurt, I may be having a heart attack " , " I'm wheezing, guess I've finally given myself lung cancer " . Now she smokes even more, and from the sound of it may actually be on the road to real cancer this time. I have also agonized many many long hours over " your disease hurts people " thoughts. My mother has been in and out of therapy her entire life, and none of it has helped, ever. The only thing in common with treatment failure has been her, and a refusal to want to sort out root issues of the illness. Sure she wants to treat the symptoms, sometimes, but just like treating cancer symptoms, it doesn't remove the cancer. > > LOL! my nada pulled the it might be cancer routine several times > over the span of thirty years. It was allways something benign. Then > not long ago my cousin sent an urgent email that '____ is sick " and > explained she had a malignant lump in her breast. I shot back that it > might mean something to her but i don't want to hear anything about > nadas ache and pains. > > Geesh what about the malignacy of her mental illness impacting others > around them? I wish they were as concerned about that. No it was too > easy to throw Tina at the wolves so I could be thier sacrificail > lamb. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 12, 2007 Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 IF its any help - Just want to let you know i was physically abused for the early years. That in of itself not so bad. I can forgive and get over THAT act. But the severe emotional abuse and mental torture, the isolation and lonliness etc. Those are scars that stay locked in your memory vault and never heal. Don't get me wrong you are not missing anything. But it's nothing compared to the cruel words coming out of thier mouths. Physical abuse has shape and form you FEEL it on your flesh. Emotional abuse is invisible and it can rob you of your very soul. Tina > > > > I feel somewhat guilty posting on the forum because I wasn't > > physically abused as a child. I hope you don't mind me here. I > > think my mother gave my father most of the trouble and now as an > > adult we all get to deal with her. The control over my life mentally > > and verbally is really getting to me. > > > > That being said-- How do you deal with the cycle of nada when she > > becomes somewhat " normal " ? That's where we are right now. > > Everything has calmed back down, she is acting like she has the world > > under control, has a plan for her life, and I would like to just > > throw up. Additionally my parents get very violent when things are > > bad and then my dishrag of a father over compensates during the > > normal times letting her buy and/or do whatever she wants. I don't > > want things to go back to the way they were before. I just want to > > hide and have nothing to do with these parents. After reading here > > and SWOE, it's so obvious what's going on. No one in my FOO will > > support me. They are just so glad everything's over again and hope > > it doesn't happen again!! I am so angry. > > > > Thanks for reading. > > > > le > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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