Asking for what you want, not enough. . .too much?

[Guest guest]

As I read through the comments here, I feel like there's a topic that deserves

it's own

thread--that is, the difficulty I've seen in so many of us who have grown up

with BPD

parents in asking for things we want(or really need in some cases). I've heard

people on a

range of topics who've had needs and wants invalidated and who've faced

punishments of

all kinds for asking for things.

I think about this alot. My BPD mom actually talks a lot of a reversal from

never daring to

ask for anything to " sticking up for herself. " Although the rages she hits

people with were

a huge source of humiliation to me growing up--she goes after people with

everything

she has when she is displeased whether they can do anything about it or not. . .

I have actually seen myself respond to the wants of others with that " hissing "

sharpness

that so many of us have experienced with our BPD parents. I've learned that the

anger I'm

expressing is actually the result of me thinking that if I don't satisfy every

request

someone makes of me that 1. I am a BAD person and 2. that the requesters will

be out to

get me (the way my mom always was. No wonder I was feeling threatened by simple

requests--in my reality, they were practically threats! Also--I am a high

school teacher

with 150 students (who is newly married). Thank god I went to counseling--so I

could get

to the bottom of this. And believe me, I've had to forgive myself for being

nasty to my

students for about a year. Luckily, I have many of the same students again, and

have been

able to change my ways--I can tell they forgive me too. The relationship is

COMPLETELY

different.

So, actually, in some ways, I empathize with my BPD mom--because I hated myself

so

much while I was reacting to my students and husbands in my sick little way.

And because

it felt so bad to hurt people I cared about( or people that were innocent) I

mean I was

thinking, " What kind of a monster invalidates the wants and needs of

children?--I guess

one like me. " I still cringe, but I've changed and accepted my mistakes. A BPD

person

must basically feel like a monster all the time. I think they probably know on

some (deeply

repressed) level how much they hurt the people they are supposed to love--and I

bet that

feels horrible.

Trish