STILL SO FRUSTRATED

[Guest guest]

Just when I think I have this whole thing figured out, I'm back to

square one. My mom, who is very much up in age, is bpd, but now

combined with senility. She's been put on a few different

medications, but they seem to make her worse. I believe she is

having an adverse reaction to the medications. they keep her up at

night, roaming the house, ranting and raving.

As for me, I'm seem to attract these people and have my entire life.

After realizing problem and that my family was very disfunctional, I

thought I could figure out how to stay away from these people and

see into them, rather than be taken again. But apparently not.

They keeping on coming.

Are there some major factors we need to look for? They are so

misleading. I will say they tend to reveil themselves sooner than

they use to, so maybe I have learned something. But why are bpd's

so attracted to me. It's like I have a big sign on me saying " come

on " .

As a result, my life has never been in a more confused state. I

feel boxed in a corner with no way out.

I would appreciate any advise.

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie.

I understand your frustration. I truly do. I have had problems with the same

kind of thing...people that appear normal at first and then revealing that they

are the very kind of people I wanted to stay away from being attracted to me.

I think a big part of it is the fact that we, as human beings, WANT to feel

loved and needed. As KO's, we truly NEED to feel loved and wanted. A person with

BPD can help fill part of the former...they feel they need us, and are so afraid

of being alone, that this need turns into a chokehold on our psyches. As KO's,

because nadas and fadas continually used FOG to keep us around, we tend to stay

with people that use the same tactics, thus perpetuating the cycle. Because we

are used to such treatment, I think that we unknowingly seek out the

familiar...the nada/fada...in a person.

Now that you recognize the behaviors, and can break the cycle, all you can

do is continue to recognize nada/fada behaviors and use your own strength and

resolve as a BPD repellant of sorts. I am just now recognizing traits of my own

that draw BPD type people to me, and I am working to change those. Speaking my

mind and saying what I REALLY feel(not just what they want to hear) has helped a

lot.

Good luck, and i hope that this helps.

Debbie wrote:

Just when I think I have this whole thing figured out, I'm back to

square one. My mom, who is very much up in age, is bpd, but now

combined with senility. She's been put on a few different

medications, but they seem to make her worse. I believe she is

having an adverse reaction to the medications. they keep her up at

night, roaming the house, ranting and raving.

As for me, I'm seem to attract these people and have my entire life.

After realizing problem and that my family was very disfunctional, I

thought I could figure out how to stay away from these people and

see into them, rather than be taken again. But apparently not.

They keeping on coming.

Are there some major factors we need to look for? They are so

misleading. I will say they tend to reveil themselves sooner than

they use to, so maybe I have learned something. But why are bpd's

so attracted to me. It's like I have a big sign on me saying " come

on " .

As a result, my life has never been in a more confused state. I

feel boxed in a corner with no way out.

I would appreciate any advise.

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[Guest guest]

>

> Hi Debbie.

> I understand your frustration. I truly do. I have had problems

with the same kind of thing...people that appear normal at first and

then revealing that they are the very kind of people I wanted to stay

away from being attracted to me.

> I think a big part of it is the fact that we, as human beings,

WANT to feel loved and needed. As KO's, we truly NEED to feel loved

and wanted. A person with BPD can help fill part of the former...they

feel they need us, and are so afraid of being alone, that this need

turns into a chokehold on our psyches. As KO's, because nadas and

fadas continually used FOG to keep us around, we tend to stay with

people that use the same tactics, thus perpetuating the cycle. Because

we are used to such treatment, I think that we unknowingly seek out

the familiar...the nada/fada...in a person.

> Now that you recognize the behaviors, and can break the cycle,

all you can do is continue to recognize nada/fada behaviors and use

your own strength and resolve as a BPD repellant of sorts. I am just

now recognizing traits of my own that draw BPD type people to me, and

I am working to change those. Speaking my mind and saying what I

REALLY feel(not just what they want to hear) has helped a lot.

> Good luck, and i hope that this helps.

>

>

, You have stated this so well. I can really relate to what

you say. I suffered for 10 years with a neighbor I tried to please

and keep a good relationship going. She was critical of me and of my

children all the time. There were so many hurts. I kept thinking "

What is wrong with me? " I never once thought to say " What is wrong

with her. " I kept trying to do little things to patch things up. I

just assumed I must be doing something wrong to get the kind of

treatment she was giving to me. I certainly played the victim role

and let myself be upset to the point of tears on many days. Finally

at the end of the ten years I, on my own, figured out that SHE had a

problem. I began to train myself to pretend she didn't even live

there so I could keep myself from feeling upset. I spent a lot of

time each day reading great quotes about human nature and psyching

myself to handle the situation. Eventually I can say I honestly

didn't care any more about what she was thinking or saying about me.

I did all this before I knew anything about BPD. Looking back I can

see that living with my mother had prepared me and set me up to take

the kind of abuse this neighbor was dishing out...and to take it lying

down. I felt I had to preserve some semblance of good feelings

between us or my world would blow apart. I had been doing that little

jig with my mother for years. I just was slow on the uptake to

recognize it with the neighbor. But then at that point, I hadn't

recognised what was wrong with my mother either. I knew she was

difficult and I felt resentment toward her, but blamed myself for

those feelings too. Dee

[Guest guest]

It is a funny thing, in the past two years I've learned not only

to be honest with myself, but honest with others. I will tell someone

my opinion and stick to it, I will tell someone if they have crossed a

boundary or if they ask, the truth about what I think of them. I have

on a few occasions told them wheather they asked or not. I have come

to pride myself on my honesty and my upfront ways. I try to not be

hurtful or outright mean, but I have to live with me. Don't care the

way I used to about what others think. I hope someone likes me, but

its okay if they don't. I have had alot of people tell me they respect

me for my honesty and sticking to my guns, but I also find that ALOT

of people don't know what the hell to make of it. People like to

dilute themselves about their lifes and the way they really are.

I am far from perfect and have lots to learn, but I'm okay with that

and honest about it. Remember-To thy own self be true.

[Guest guest]

And that is so hard sometimes. When someone says they will die

without you and they actually take the steps to make their life end,

what do you do?

>

>

>

> It is a funny thing, in the past two years I've learned not

only

> to be honest with myself, but honest with others. I will tell

someone

> my opinion and stick to it, I will tell someone if they have

crossed a

> boundary or if they ask, the truth about what I think of them. I

have

> on a few occasions told them wheather they asked or not. I have

come

> to pride myself on my honesty and my upfront ways. I try to not be

> hurtful or outright mean, but I have to live with me. Don't care

the

> way I used to about what others think. I hope someone likes me,

but

> its okay if they don't. I have had alot of people tell me they

respect

> me for my honesty and sticking to my guns, but I also find that

ALOT

> of people don't know what the hell to make of it. People like to

> dilute themselves about their lifes and the way they really are.

> I am far from perfect and have lots to learn, but I'm okay with

that

> and honest about it. Remember-To thy own self be true.

>

[Guest guest]

Debbie,

I am sure there are others on this board who have more definitive

answers than I do. I know I would call 911 immediately to report

the attempted suicide and get help to them immediately. This person

is trying to avoid being responsible for his/her own actions and

putting that responsibility on you. But that is not the case,

he/she is the person chosing suicide, not you. You are not

responsible for, or the cause of, another person's actions.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> And that is so hard sometimes. When someone says they will die

> without you and they actually take the steps to make their life

end,

> what do you do?

>

......

[Guest guest]

> And that is so hard sometimes. When someone says they will die

> without you and they actually take the steps to make their life end,

> what do you do?

OK, if they have taken steps to suicide you need to do as Sylvia said

and get professional help.

However, I have seen people be manipulated by mere threats. It depends

how much Narcissism plays a part in their disorder. I myself was

manipulated by Yeti threatening to kill herself many times, until she

threatened once too often <when I'd just Had Enough> and I asked " Can I

be of assistance? " . Many years on, she's fit as a fiddle. She just

doesn't threaten to kill herself (to me) every 5 seconds.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

,

Unfortunately, this threat was real. I came back to town. He had

not been eating and drinking himself to death. He had lost so much

weight. When talking to him on the phone, before returning, he

couldn't breath. He really did scare me and his children were

worried sick. But the same unhealthy patterns continue. He claims

he will get help but that's yet to be seen. I believe he just tells

me what I need to hear to try to keep me. It's a sad situation. He

definatly had some kind of disorder.

Debbie

> > And that is so hard sometimes. When someone says they will die

> > without you and they actually take the steps to make their life

end,

> > what do you do?

>

> OK, if they have taken steps to suicide you need to do as Sylvia

said

> and get professional help.

>

> However, I have seen people be manipulated by mere threats. It

depends

> how much Narcissism plays a part in their disorder. I myself was

> manipulated by Yeti threatening to kill herself many times, until

she

> threatened once too often <when I'd just Had Enough> and I

asked " Can I

> be of assistance? " . Many years on, she's fit as a fiddle. She just

> doesn't threaten to kill herself (to me) every 5 seconds.

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Long time no write, but I have also been hanging around the edges

here lately and ready to jump back in and get more help with my BPD

mother and sister (who successfully " completed suicide " last year...)

My mother and my sister are/were always threating suicide and we'd

drive across town in a sickened panic (as we could hear them pass

out on the phone etc). Mum would be dragged from a running car, all

set up with note and just how she'd like it to be found, but always

rescued " just in time " ( think it was set up and se juts wnated us

to run to her as i am trying to be NC (physically) though still

speak with her on the phone occasionally (when she rings me). Mum

woudl often also be found karked out drunk on the floor. (Both Mum

and my sister are/were " dual dignosis " BPD with alcoholisim).

My sister's favourite method of suicide was cutting and often I took

her to hospital to be stitched back together again. The we had to

clean up all the blood on her own steak knives, kitchen sink, floor

and bedding. She had only once tried a carbon monoxide poisoning but

was resuced from that one as her boss happened to see her car

running in the carpark...She felet sick for a week she told Mum and

promised never to dispatch herself in that way again.

Usually she rang for 'help " or just to argue/rant and you knew from

her talking and how she faded out she was passing out and probably

cutting. left alone, I guess she would bleed to death, so I call the

cops and the ambulance and try to get there fast, hoping I am not

first on the grisley scene.

But the last time, she rang no one, she left no note, she ate half

her dinner, she had been NC with me for a month or so as we had

a " disagreement " on two very major issues re: custody of children

and her (false) accussations of a sexual nature against my husband

(I think in her mind she really believed it?!). She swa things in

balck and white and if I was not

" for her " I was " against her " .

She set up her old bomb of a car in her lovely brand new rented

home, she had just come out of bankruptcy that day..she texted her

daughter and her boyfirend that she loved them and that was it. He

found her there two days later...the car had long ran out of gas.

There was no note, she had not called for help this time.

So what I am saying is when they are manipulating, they ask for

help/bring you " in " . When she was serious, she just went off and did

it, we had no chance to intervene.

-----------

My brother, when Mum threatens, now tells her to hurry up and get on

with it. I wish she would hurry and put us out of collective misery.

With my sister now gone 8 months, she is SO MUCH WORSE with this

loss and abandonment. She was very suicidal straight after I worried

she would not make the funeral, but she did. She even wrote, see you

soon, on her obititury for my sister

She too is alive and (un)well and after grief counselling for my

sister last year, I decided to again revisit this BPD thing. When it

became clear my Mum was not going to be checking out soon, she may

be hre another 30 years of this, I have to do something to protect

myself and my family from this.

There is a BPD support group in my local area which I just started

attending, how refreshing to meet with people who you don't have to

explain the whole thing to and people, like you guys, experiencing

this day to day or trying to get our heads around NC...

> > And that is so hard sometimes. When someone says they will die

> > without you and they actually take the steps to make their life

end,

> > what do you do?

>

> OK, if they have taken steps to suicide you need to do as Sylvia

said

> and get professional help.

>

> However, I have seen people be manipulated by mere threats. It

depends

> how much Narcissism plays a part in their disorder. I myself was

> manipulated by Yeti threatening to kill herself many times, until

she

> threatened once too often <when I'd just Had Enough> and I

asked " Can I

> be of assistance? " . Many years on, she's fit as a fiddle. She just

> doesn't threaten to kill herself (to me) every 5 seconds.

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

> He really did scare me and his children were

> worried sick. But the same unhealthy patterns continue. He claims

> he will get help but that's yet to be seen. I believe he just tells

> me what I need to hear to try to keep me. It's a sad situation. He

> definatly had some kind of disorder.

>

Suggestion:

Do whatever you can/have to do to protect his children.

Where is their mother? Has she fled for her life?

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

The children I am speaking of are grown and married. He had three

daughters that are under 18 and they are with his mother who is bi-

polar. It is a sad situation all the way around. He spends little

or no time with them.

Debbie

> > He really did scare me and his children were

> > worried sick. But the same unhealthy patterns continue. He

claims

> > he will get help but that's yet to be seen. I believe he just

tells

> > me what I need to hear to try to keep me. It's a sad

situation. He

> > definatly had some kind of disorder.

> >

>

> Suggestion:

>

> Do whatever you can/have to do to protect his children.

> Where is their mother? Has she fled for her life?

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>