Re: Need help...long

[Guest guest]

Michele.

Wow, what a tough decision! I've never been in your shoes, so I don't have

any similar experience to share, unfortunately. However, you mentioned you've

been in therapy and that it helped a lot. Are you still seeing your therapist?

Even if you're not, I'm thinking, if this person helped you sort through some

stuff in the past, maybe you could try him/her again, since you trust this

person and found him/her helpful before. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Flea

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[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I've reached a peaceful place where my FAMILY is my husband, children,

supportive extended family and friends. I've had NC with my nada, and siblings

for

three years; and my Dad has made it clear to me that I am not to 'bring up

that stuff' when we do talk. My Dad has had his own choices to make; and I am

standing by mine.

My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer three years ago. Nada used his

illness to completely, and finally, illustrate her power. After a warm, happy

and loving visit (all of my siblings, our children and spouses together for the

first time in years) my Dad told me, the next day in fact, that I am not

welcome in their home again until I 'respect' my mother the way she wants...that

she felt she got no attention during her children's visit.

All sorts of defenses for his ultimatum came to mind: he feels vulnerable,

mortal, too sick to do combat with her anymore. But, that was his choice and I

have respected it.

Before this I'd been 'minimal contact' for almost 20 years; visiting at

Christmas, sending birthday cards. My children haven't been alone with my

parents

in 16 years. All through those years my Dad would visit me at work, call on

my birthday; and I held him close in my heart, and on a pedestal...as an

unwilling hostage.

The same guilt plagued me, feeling left out, and that I was leaving him out

of my life. But the chaos at their house continued without me; sibling

contests for 'good child' go on in my absence. An amazing thing happened

recently.

My sons thanked me for keeping them away from their grandparents/aunt/uncles

for most of their lives...this after being the target of nada's venom via my

sister. And they remember their grandfather telling them he didn't have time to

teach them guitar, wouldn't allow them to mow his lawn when he was sick

because nada didn't want anything from me.

Your children will never have to learn to swallow shame or guard their self

worth either; the choices we make now change their lives. CarolC

In a message dated 1/21/2006 11:29:50 AM Eastern Standard Time,

mom2alexandizzy@... writes:

Hi everyone,

I really respect all the different opinions here and need some advice.

I have been complete nc with nada for 2 1/2 years. She doesn't know

where I live or have my tn. I cut off from here foo as well. She and

my father are still together. I tried to maintain contact with him

for nearly a year after going nc with nada. It was through email or

letters to his work. I think he thought eventually this would all

blow over and I would just deal with nada like before. It became too

hard to keep in touch with him. Either he felt too guilty or the

reprecussions from nada were too severe. I saw him one last time for

lunch a year ago where I let him see my ds (whom he hadn't seen in

months).

He was the typical martyr father. I think he really loves nada but

also feels guilty and obligated to her. I always thought of him as a

victim (until I removed his pedestal in therapy). We were extremely

close growing up. Other than not handling nada more properly (ie -

gotten us kids out when he had the chance or steeped in when she got

really wacko) he was a very good dad.

Now I have been in intense therapy for years. I am bipolar and my dr

helped me work through the loss of my parents and control my illness.

It was very hard and so much work but I got to a place I didn't even

know existed. I am so happy now. I love my life, my dh and now my 2

kids. I am very good with the decision I made. I have no regrets.

That being said...my worst fears have come true. Just found out my

father has cancer. Don't know how severe it is. I am at a loss as to

what to do.

Here is the real problem. I am fine with my decision. I have worked

though and already mourned the loss of my dad. It is an ongoing

process, of course, but I haven't looked back. My fear or question is

what do I owe my dad? Should I send him a letter? Do I make the

effort to see him? It is next to impossible to have access to him

without nada being included. That is not an option.

What about my kids? Do I give him this one thing before he dies -

access to my kids? I am so scared at the thought of introducing my

dk's to my family. I didn't even call anyone in my foo to announce my

pregnancy or birth of my daughter.

The thing is, I know I made the best decision for me. It just feels

really cold now in light of the new circumstances. Normally I don't

give a second thought to what my foo and their friends think. If I

choose not to see my dad or attend his funeral, I am going to look

like the biggest bi*** there ever was. At what point should I be

concerned with the feelings of others? Or should I at all?

I am at such a loss as to what to do. My friends and new family

support me but my brother (who has supported my nc) can't deal with my

" ignoring " dad at a time like this. I recently went though a cancer

death with my mil, whom I loved, and this is all so overwhelming.

Help please. Thanks for reading this long post.

[Guest guest]

,

I wish I had some suggestions for you, because I am in a similar

situation. My father doesn't have cancer, but he is ailing. I,

too, had him on a pedestal. I later realized that he could have

made different choices, choices that could have prevented, minimized

or elimitated some of nada's abuse. But he didn't have the

understanding or the courage to do that.

I hope whatever you decide to do that you find peace inside yourself

with your decision. As for what the foo think - I believe that once

you are at peace with your decision, then their opinions won't

concern you any more.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I really respect all the different opinions here and need some

advice.

>

> I have been complete nc with nada for 2 1/2 years. She doesn't

know

> where I live or have my tn. I cut off from here foo as well. She

and

> my father are still together. I tried to maintain contact with him

> for nearly a year after going nc with nada. It was through email

or

> letters to his work. I think he thought eventually this would all

> blow over and I would just deal with nada like before. It became

too

> hard to keep in touch with him. Either he felt too guilty or the

> reprecussions from nada were too severe. I saw him one last time

for

> lunch a year ago where I let him see my ds (whom he hadn't seen in

> months).

>

> He was the typical martyr father. I think he really loves nada but

> also feels guilty and obligated to her. I always thought of him

as a

> victim (until I removed his pedestal in therapy). We were

extremely

> close growing up. Other than not handling nada more properly (ie -

> gotten us kids out when he had the chance or steeped in when she

got

> really wacko) he was a very good dad.

>

> Now I have been in intense therapy for years. I am bipolar and my

dr

> helped me work through the loss of my parents and control my

illness.

> It was very hard and so much work but I got to a place I didn't

even

> know existed. I am so happy now. I love my life, my dh and now

my 2

> kids. I am very good with the decision I made. I have no regrets.

>

> That being said...my worst fears have come true. Just found out my

> father has cancer. Don't know how severe it is. I am at a loss

as to

> what to do.

>

> Here is the real problem. I am fine with my decision. I have

worked

> though and already mourned the loss of my dad. It is an ongoing

> process, of course, but I haven't looked back. My fear or

question is

> what do I owe my dad? Should I send him a letter? Do I make the

> effort to see him? It is next to impossible to have access to him

> without nada being included. That is not an option.

>

> What about my kids? Do I give him this one thing before he dies -

> access to my kids? I am so scared at the thought of introducing my

> dk's to my family. I didn't even call anyone in my foo to

announce my

> pregnancy or birth of my daughter.

>

> The thing is, I know I made the best decision for me. It just

feels

> really cold now in light of the new circumstances. Normally I

don't

> give a second thought to what my foo and their friends think. If I

> choose not to see my dad or attend his funeral, I am going to look

> like the biggest bi*** there ever was. At what point should I be

> concerned with the feelings of others? Or should I at all?

>

> I am at such a loss as to what to do. My friends and new family

> support me but my brother (who has supported my nc) can't deal

with my

> " ignoring " dad at a time like this. I recently went though a

cancer

> death with my mil, whom I loved, and this is all so overwhelming.

>

> Help please. Thanks for reading this long post.

>

>