~ Re: Protein Train my A....

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for your thoughts and support regarding my post. So much

of what you said fits my life profile. Aside from money and food, I

feel like I have a pretty tight grip on the day to day reigns of my

life. I throw money in only because, although I am a very thrifty

person, the advent of twins in our lives has thrown some crazy

little twists and turns into our budget that we now need to keep

closer tabs on. My food issues are the doozy tho.

Like you, I've been pretty obsessive about having control with the

rest of my life and the activities that are never ending. I find it

funny when people ask how I manage to maintain a clean house, ensure

dinner is on the table 4-5 times a week, make breakfast for my crew

a couple times a week, make it to all our appointments on time, show

up for every sports and music activity my nearly 14 year old son is

involved in, run car pool, keep my 35 hour work week going without a

hitch, etc… with two infants to take care of.

Giving credit where it is due, my hubby is a pretty wonderful SAH

daddy and he takes excellent care of the babies while I am at work.

They're well fed and bathed and in clean clothes daily. Although

there are areas of the house that I insist on taking care of because

nobody but me can clean just right in these areas, dh makes sure I

never have to come home to a pile of dishes or overflowing garbage

and laundry baskets. Now that I'm thinking about it tho, maybe dh

is so good about keeping things in order because I'm a hag when

things are not ship shape and its easier to clean than deal with

moi, lol. Whatever. I guess I either trained him well over the years

(which is probably the case since I can recall what his house looked

like in his early 20s) or he has matured a lot with age and papahood.

Ummm, where was I? Oh yeah… the lack of control where eating is

concerned. When you read that I " allowed " myself to do something in

one breath and then I say I have " no control " in another, I can

understand how it might sound very contradictory. Thing is, it is

exactly how I perceive my behavior. I remember many a time in my MO

days when I would be sitting in front of the TV with a big bag of

Doritos opened on my lap and my fingers all cheesy orange as I sat

stuffing chip after chip in my mouth with tears streaming down my

face. I hated every bite I took and even when the taste became

repulsive to me once 2/3 of the bag was gone I continued to eat, all

the while berating myself for what I was doing.

I was never a blind eater. I never once got a half dozen donuts only

to look down into the box at the last remaining donut and

think, " wow, where the heck did they all go? I don't remember eating

5 donuts already. " Uh Uh, I was very much aware the whole time I was

licking sticky glaze off my fingers from one donut so that I could

lift the lid of the box to get another. Then I would berate myself

once again, while eating the last donut knowing exactly what I was

doing to myself. I say I " allowed " myself because I was never in

denial about my binging and the ensuing consequences. I knew exactly

what my actions were doing to me, but I did them any way. I say " no

control, " because once I " allowed " myself to cross the line, there

was no stopping me.

By the time I finally decided, after over two years of research,

that WLS was right for me, I was so sick of the sight/smell/taste of

food that if I never had to look at another morsel in my life, I

could die a happy woman. I was ready to make a healthy change. By

the time I reached this state of mind, though, I was over 300 lbs

and realized that the surest way for me to start reclaiming my

health was through WLS. Whereas I was felt dismally inept at being a

normie, I turned out to be a fantastic postie.

My first year post-WLS I could have been a poster child. Every

action I took was by the book and I saw great success. The amount of

time it took for me to begin eating solids and sticking to the

required diet helped me move past my seeming need for simple carbs

and by the time I was able to introduce them (toast and such) back

into my diet, I didn't mind going without them so I didn't even

bother. THEN… pregnancy was awesome, `cause I was given permission

to eat more meals and more carbs and – oh wonder of wonders – I

didn't see one visibly negative affect from the consumption. Hmmm…

enter the head issues. Eating without gaining. How completely

awesome. Ok, so I'll have a bite of this and a bite of that. The

docs did tell me to eat more, after all, lol (not a bit funny

actually). Problem was that after the babies were born, I didn't

switch back to eating per my WLS diet guidelines and now the

evidence was apparent.

Ok… I'm probably repeating a lot of what I wrote earlier so I'll

step back now. Old habits sure die hard, since I reverted to downing

myself just as I did in my MO days. I'm definitely my own worst

critic, but I can honestly say that the reason I am opting to take

my diet back to the beginning is because, regardless of how grumpy

its making me at the moment, this is the one and only diet (diet as

in way of eating not the 4-letter word many of us failed at) I was

able to stick with long enough to see success.

Cheers to you as I reach for another protein packed liquid lunch.

DON'T pass the Jello, UGH!!!

Toi

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> I also find journaling thoughts and feelings helps tons.

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> Hugs and keep talking to us!

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