Guest guest Posted January 7, 2006 Report Share Posted January 7, 2006 Hi all, I've been away for a while and couldn't believe the posts in the last few weeks. Far too many to read. Was it the stress of the holidays? I for one am glad they are over. This is my 2nd year of N/C with Nada and that means N/C with all of the family. Although I'm glad to be free of her, I'm having a hard time creating new ways to spend holidays. The family all had to make a choice, Nada or me and Nada has always won that one. The longer I am away from it all, the more clearly I see that it is not only Nada and her sisters that suffer from BPD, but that the entire family is sick because of it. I found my way out of the dark and into the light and that did not just threaten Nada, it threatens the entire family. I'm the one who is different and I'm the one who has rocked the family canoe! My punishment is to be out casted by all. I wish I could get past this! It is so clear that good mental health is not respected in my family and it should be enough for me to know that, but it still eats me up to be the one regarded as " bad. " Another thing that just eats me up is that I spent my life holding my tongue and letting Nada say and do what ever insensitive thing she wanted. I instinctively knew that to call her on anything would mean being abandoned. I never stuck up for myself. I never put her in her place. I was so afraid of her rage that I silently endured cruelty from her. I knew how tipsy the canoe was and was so careful not to make waves. In the end it didn't matter anyway. Nada sensed the storm brewing and threw me out of the canoe before the storm ever hit. I lost my chance to tell her everything she deserved to hear. I lost my chance to call her on all of the abuse and selfishness she inflicted and all the sickness she caused. I feel like Crawford. (Mommy Dearest) In the end Nada got the last word and I was ultimately punished, for what I'm not sure. Seeing through her I suppose. My mental health is better. I've lost the dread of having to deal with Nada, but I've also lost the chance to tell her how bad she hurt me. I still have dreams of fighting with her and pulling her hair and being abusive to her like she was to me. Part of me still wants revenge. Will this ever end? Scooter --------------------------------- Yahoo! DSL Something to write home about. Just $16.99/mo. or less Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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