OT - I need an objective opinion on a LONG sad topic

[Guest guest]

Kerri,

Well, being completely objective - I say that she is family, and that in the

same situation, had you been that stupid to stay with such a lowlife, your

family would be there to take you back if and when you come to your senses,

assuming she really HAS come to her senses.

That said, I have an aunt who I don't like for other reasons, none as

serious as this. (More in the take and take from us, and then go everywhere

else and say that we are taking from her, lie to everyone, steal her own

mother's money, etc.... stupid stuff.) Anyhow, we had an incident nearly

six years ago, and come now, I dont' care if she lives or dies. If she were

to come back, she's back. But I don't care either way. I'm not angry at

her, and it's beyond forgiving. There's nothing to forgive as she made her

own life choices. BUT - - I don't care to be anywhere around her. I won't

miss family events on account of her presence (not that she has been invited

to anything since six years ago) but at the same time, I wouldn't bother

replying with a hello or even tell her to f*** off. She's just not worth

it.

I think that if I were you, I would weigh the pros and cons. What is she

like as a person? Yes, she did something unforgiveable to her child, but

it's not your place (in my opinion) to condemn her for it - - that is an

option reserved for her child. You have every right to dislike her choices

though, but do you miss having her in your life? Would her involvement in

your life make you happier, benefit your kids, or in any way make your life

fuller, even if only to make your mom happier to have her family back

together? If your answer is yes to alot of this, and your only qualm with

her is a mistake she is trying to fix - - - then I say give it a go.

But until it's been years since she has left him, I would not be surprised

to hear that she's gone back to him yet again.

So sorry that the little girl had to go through all that, and that her mom

didn't have the backbone to fight for her. I hope she is doing alright now?

Grace

OT - I need an objective opinion on a LONG sad

topic

> Ok, I'm posting this question here because I need unbiased opinions

> on whether I'm being unreasonable or not. And I really don't know who

> to talk to, and so - I'm here to my online friends.

>

> 4 Years ago my aunts husband (he's NOT my uncle) molested my cousin.

> My cousin was 6. Luckily she was a very brave 6 yo and she spoke up

> after the first time.

>

> He was arrested, spent a few weekends in county jail. (Gotta love

> THAT)

>

> My aunt did NOT leave him. (We'll Call her " K " )

>

> When my mom was 12. My grandmother divorced my grandfather. He had

> molested K.

>

> Go figure.

>

> Anyway. My aunt is overweight, and has rheumatoid arthritis which

> makes it very painful for her to get around. Which I think was an

> excuse for why she didn't leave him. (Oh did I mention he also got

> them into bankruptcy and blew all their money on lottery tickets)

>

> Last year she wanted to leave him. We moved her, helped her with an

> apartment, etc. She loved it. But didn't even spend one night there

> and went back to him.

>

> This year, my other aunt (the mother of the molested child, we'll

> call her J) contacted her about another matter (we really have cut

> off contact with her since she decided to stay with the jerk, but

> since my grandma died J really needs a 2nd mother). She found out

> that K had left and was staying at a rent by the week crappy hotel. K

> was going to divorce him.

>

> In the last month K has moved, gotten a little apt and started

> divorce proceedings. My mom and J have been to see her several times.

> My mom has been blunt on the hurt and anger she has, but has also

> been supportive in helping her move some big items and things like

> that. K emailed me several times, and I sent back a VERY blunt

> response. (This was 4 year pent up you know!) She emailed back that,

> yes I was right, she's been stupid, etc.

>

> Anyway, I've talked to my mom. And I know she wants to have her

> family back. We have a very small family and with my grandmother

> gone, I know she wants to keep the family together. She

> hasn't `forgiven' K for what she did. But she's trying to work on the

> relation ship.

> She's asked me to do the same (I was very close to her). I'm just

> having a hard time. K wants to meet with me to talk. I know I should

> at least do that.

>

> I'm having such a hard time. For one I have two kids, one of which

> wouldn't have been able to tell me something like this! And the other

> thing is that I as a child spent many nights at her house (she didn't

> marry scumbag until I was 18 luckily) so the thought that she would

> have sacrificed me or my child so easily is hard for me to take.

>

> I know my mom and J want to invite K for the holidays, and I don't'

> even want to talk about THAT yet.

>

> What should I do. Should I consider that although she's very weak and

> stupid, that since she has left him and made the move to try to

> reconcile? Taking it slow?

>

> Do I forever just forget about her?

>

> I'm having a hard time seeing clearly on this one. I just need some

> objective opinions.

>

> Kerri

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ok, I'm posting this question here because I need unbiased opinions

on whether I'm being unreasonable or not. And I really don't know who

to talk to, and so - I'm here to my online friends.

4 Years ago my aunts husband (he's NOT my uncle) molested my cousin.

My cousin was 6. Luckily she was a very brave 6 yo and she spoke up

after the first time.

He was arrested, spent a few weekends in county jail. (Gotta love

THAT)

My aunt did NOT leave him. (We'll Call her " K " )

When my mom was 12. My grandmother divorced my grandfather. He had

molested K.

Go figure.

Anyway. My aunt is overweight, and has rheumatoid arthritis which

makes it very painful for her to get around. Which I think was an

excuse for why she didn't leave him. (Oh did I mention he also got

them into bankruptcy and blew all their money on lottery tickets)

Last year she wanted to leave him. We moved her, helped her with an

apartment, etc. She loved it. But didn't even spend one night there

and went back to him.

This year, my other aunt (the mother of the molested child, we'll

call her J) contacted her about another matter (we really have cut

off contact with her since she decided to stay with the jerk, but

since my grandma died J really needs a 2nd mother). She found out

that K had left and was staying at a rent by the week crappy hotel. K

was going to divorce him.

In the last month K has moved, gotten a little apt and started

divorce proceedings. My mom and J have been to see her several times.

My mom has been blunt on the hurt and anger she has, but has also

been supportive in helping her move some big items and things like

that. K emailed me several times, and I sent back a VERY blunt

response. (This was 4 year pent up you know!) She emailed back that,

yes I was right, she's been stupid, etc.

Anyway, I've talked to my mom. And I know she wants to have her

family back. We have a very small family and with my grandmother

gone, I know she wants to keep the family together. She

hasn't `forgiven' K for what she did. But she's trying to work on the

relation ship.

She's asked me to do the same (I was very close to her). I'm just

having a hard time. K wants to meet with me to talk. I know I should

at least do that.

I'm having such a hard time. For one I have two kids, one of which

wouldn't have been able to tell me something like this! And the other

thing is that I as a child spent many nights at her house (she didn't

marry scumbag until I was 18 luckily) so the thought that she would

have sacrificed me or my child so easily is hard for me to take.

I know my mom and J want to invite K for the holidays, and I don't'

even want to talk about THAT yet.

What should I do. Should I consider that although she's very weak and

stupid, that since she has left him and made the move to try to

reconcile? Taking it slow?

Do I forever just forget about her?

I'm having a hard time seeing clearly on this one. I just need some

objective opinions.

Kerri

[Guest guest]

>>

> So sorry that the little girl had to go through all that, and that

her mom

> didn't have the backbone to fight for her. I hope she is doing

alright now?

>

> Grace

Thanks Grace. I appreciate the advice. Although I do want to say her

mom , my other aunt DID fight. She did all she could through the

legal system (in fact she worked for the Sheriff when this happened

and had a lot of help) But my aunt also misses her sister. She's had

a hard time weighing the two, and now that her mom is gone, I think

she really misses having her sister.

Well I 've got a lot to think about thanks

Kerri

[Guest guest]

Kerri,

My non-objective opinion is " keep the grudge for as long as you want! " Your

aunt stayed with a very bad man and she should have been strong enough to do the

right thing. She made her choice to side with the bad man over her own family

and she should just stay away from her family from now on and leave everyone

alone.

Unfortunately you did not ask for subjective, you asked for objective. My

objective and logical opinion is: If the child's mother forgave the molester's

wife that is between them. And very nice that the sisters were able to get over

it. I applaud Auntie K for being able to forgive Auntie J for staying with the

man who harmed Auntie K's child. Auntie K is a very brave and kind woman.

If that works for them, that is marvelous. Grace made a very good point stating

that Aunt J has left the bad man and trying to make a new life for herself (that

is also an applaudable achievement showing bravery and so forth). Family is

" supposed " to forgive each other for bad moves - especially when said member is

trying to rectify the situation. Family is supposed to be who you can turn to

when you have no place else to go; and they have to take you in.

Just because I have never experienced that personally, doesn't mean it isn't

considered true, you know.

Of course, you don't have to get in on the sisters' reunion. I am understanding

that there are three sisters involved. Auntie K, Auntie J, and your mom. Is

that right? Well, they have known each other longer than you have and if they

want to work it out, bully for them. (My subjective may be showing again.) But

except for family functions where you might have to make civil conversation, you

would probably not be involved in this at all, would you?

Back to objective. I think that a reunion might be best if not forced or

strained. You certainly don't want anyone thinking that the sisters' reunion

depends upon you. Take some time to try to reconcile yourself with her show of

personal growth by leaving the man and setting herself up on her own. Let a

little time go by and think about it for a while. You have to weigh the pros

and cons of both sides. You have to decide if you can get past what she did.

You have to remember how you felt about her when you were a child. You might

even consider how much the pain of arthritis might have had to do with her

decision to stay four years ago. Pain does cause some strange behaviors.

You still have a month before Thanksgiving. That might be all the time you need

to wrap your head around this or make other plans for the holidays, if

necessary.

My mom always said people tend to be more forgiving around the holidays. That

and your grandmother's passing might have something to do with your mom and aunt

taking your other aunt back into the family.

Maybe you could set yourself up as support cousin for the little girl who was

molested.... without telling her she should still be outraged if she isn't, of

course.

Hang in there and vent here all you like. You know we love you and you know

that this is your decision and we will all love you no matter which way you go.

I doubt I am the only one in this group who is torn in both directions. I hope

some of the babbling nonsense above speaks to you and helps you find your

way.... or helps someone else write something that will help.

Smiles!

37 year old wife to , 41

Mom to:

na-14-NT

Marilla-8-Autistic

Sherman-7-Autistic

Greilyn-2-NT (so far)

" It is never too late to start from where you are. The future is whatever you

want it to be. " Dr. , Port

OT - I need an objective opinion on a LONG sad

topic

Ok, I'm posting this question here because I need unbiased opinions

on whether I'm being unreasonable or not. And I really don't know who

to talk to, and so - I'm here to my online friends.

4 Years ago my aunts husband (he's NOT my uncle) molested my cousin.

My cousin was 6. Luckily she was a very brave 6 yo and she spoke up

after the first time.

He was arrested, spent a few weekends in county jail. (Gotta love

THAT)

My aunt did NOT leave him. (We'll Call her " K " )

When my mom was 12. My grandmother divorced my grandfather. He had

molested K.

Go figure.

Anyway. My aunt is overweight, and has rheumatoid arthritis which

makes it very painful for her to get around. Which I think was an

excuse for why she didn't leave him. (Oh did I mention he also got

them into bankruptcy and blew all their money on lottery tickets)

Last year she wanted to leave him. We moved her, helped her with an

apartment, etc. She loved it. But didn't even spend one night there

and went back to him.

This year, my other aunt (the mother of the molested child, we'll

call her J) contacted her about another matter (we really have cut

off contact with her since she decided to stay with the jerk, but

since my grandma died J really needs a 2nd mother). She found out

that K had left and was staying at a rent by the week crappy hotel. K

was going to divorce him.

In the last month K has moved, gotten a little apt and started

divorce proceedings. My mom and J have been to see her several times.

My mom has been blunt on the hurt and anger she has, but has also

been supportive in helping her move some big items and things like

that. K emailed me several times, and I sent back a VERY blunt

response. (This was 4 year pent up you know!) She emailed back that,

yes I was right, she's been stupid, etc.

Anyway, I've talked to my mom. And I know she wants to have her

family back. We have a very small family and with my grandmother

gone, I know she wants to keep the family together. She

hasn't `forgiven' K for what she did. But she's trying to work on the

relation ship.

She's asked me to do the same (I was very close to her). I'm just

having a hard time. K wants to meet with me to talk. I know I should

at least do that.

I'm having such a hard time. For one I have two kids, one of which

wouldn't have been able to tell me something like this! And the other

thing is that I as a child spent many nights at her house (she didn't

marry scumbag until I was 18 luckily) so the thought that she would

have sacrificed me or my child so easily is hard for me to take.

I know my mom and J want to invite K for the holidays, and I don't'

even want to talk about THAT yet.

What should I do. Should I consider that although she's very weak and

stupid, that since she has left him and made the move to try to

reconcile? Taking it slow?

Do I forever just forget about her?

I'm having a hard time seeing clearly on this one. I just need some

objective opinions.

Kerri

[Guest guest]

There's a pattern for abuse that is hard to break. It sounds like your aunt is

stuck in it although maybe she's breaking out finally. It is natural that your

first concern is for your children. You have to protect them. And yes, there

is a lot of anger and resentment on your end. It's not realistic for everyone

to be one big happy family after all this time. Take it slow. Do what you are

comfortable with. Good luck.

Janae

, 8, ADD

Jake, 5, autism

[Guest guest]

Kerri,

Take it very slow and do whatever is in your heart. I'm sure it's probably

not much help, but it's all I can offer. I feel terrible that anyone should

have to endure what your cousin and Jacquie have!

Sue

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[Guest guest]

Kerri -

I would be very hard pressed to let this woman back into my life.

She made a huge, lifelong mistake and hopefully is very sorry.

Unfortunately, if you do not let yourself forgive (NEVER EVER

FORGET), but forgive and let YOUR anger go, you will pay the price.

This isn't about her and her pain. It isn't about the scumbag. It is

about making peace with this horrible crap so it doesn't eat you

alive.

You don't have to love this woman, you don't even have to like her.

You should, however, try and forgive her for something which for the

rest of her life, hopefully, she will regret.

And what about your cousin? I'd be more concerned about her and her

progress of healing from this episode. I would love to give this

child the hugest accolades for coming forward after the first time

this happened. What a brave child!!

Anyway,

If you are still on the fence about this, feel free to talk about it

more. Talking is necessary.

Penny - who by the way is a survivor herself.

[Guest guest]

Jacquie H.

Hugs to you...HUGE hugs.

If you ever feel the need to talk, I'm here.

Penny