Nada’s Phone Game..UGH

[Guest guest]

Nada's Back….. I knew the silence was too good to be true. In

typical nada fashion she phones yesterday in AM and leaves this

message on my machine – she sounds like a 4 year old " I'd like you

to call me " . Click - Nothing else. So yesterday I did not phone her–

but my entire day was ruined with the possibility that all hell was

breaking lose on her end (my anxiety through the roof - hence my

need to go back to therapy). I could imagine the ambulances

arriving, carting her off to the hospital to pump her stomach. This

anxiety went on the entire day yesterday, but she did not phone

back, and no messages on my emergency cell from my brother, so I

thought " screw it " . Today I awoke with the same trepidation, I go to

look at my answering machine – no messages, Thank Gawd I say to

myself. I make a pot of coffee and think of my options. A – remain

hostage to this anxiety and wait for bad news B –phone her myself to

see what is " up " . I am prepared that if I do choose B, I may be in

for a BPD showdown, so I drink more coffee and prepare myself for

the worst.

Sure enough, a truce lasts about 30 seconds as she acts like

nothings happened (it has been a few weeks of NC) BUT 1 minute after

the phone call begins, she starts sucking me into a guilt trip by

saying she called a few days ago, not yesterday, and what " took me

so long " . So I play the game and say " oh really…are you sure you

phoned a few days ago, I could have sworn it was yesterday? " . I do

believe the methadone screws up her concept of time, so I let it go.

But then like the Duracell Bunny, she keeps right on going and plows

into the " how could you not call your own mother Xmas day " , and " I

cried and cried and cried " and " this isn't fair to punish me this

way " and on and on. Ok, I say to myself, let us stop this crap right

now – so I say " Mom, enough " I give her reasons why I will not

listen to her. She must be afraid now that I will again impose NC

with her because she backs off (she probably could sense I was about

to hang up the phone, I also think she is in warp speed abandonment

mode). I let her talk. Interestingly enough, yesterday I was

thinking, " who is she projecting and dumping on to, now that I am no

longer in contact with her " . Well found out the answer – her home

care worker (she cleans for my mother etc., ) LOL – She tells me

she " fired " her and gives me this big dramatic story – I am laughing

quietly on the other end of the phone, because I know darn well that

the home care worker probably was not deserving of any of what my

mother is accusing her of… (sort of an indication to me just how bad

her BPD is right now) I then tried the Charolotte method and just

kept the conversation away from certain areas that might trigger her

off and it worked fairly well. Like a 4 year old, I distracted her

from herself and no BPD drama, amazing!!!

Even though I have had years of therapy dealing with this crap, and

I am up on BPD like a researcher, I still am dealing with the same

feelings, the same issues. As I write this, every muscle in my back

and neck is tight and I feel like my adrenaline is surging at top

speed through my body. I feel like a trapped animal – even though I

am far away from her. She holds me hostage - I am afraid that she

will finally do herself in (unfortuantely I read in this new BPD

book last night, that drugs, alcohol, etc., can make BPD worse - No

Kidding!!! learned this first hand!). I am scared that she'll leave

some miserable note and will blame her only daughter for the cause

of her death. I like to think I'm over this, I can deal with it if

it happens, but the truth, I don't think I could. I've gone over

this in therapy time and time again since she first did this years

aog, and at times, I feel like I could handle it, but the truth be

told, what child wants this on their conscience? Big sigh…so I

figure, I need to find the money for therapy – I refuse to devote

anymore of my emotions and energy to this crap. Good news - I did

set MY ground rules with her regarding our phone calls. She knows

she cannot phone me a hundred times a day, I tell her that once a

week should suffice to talk ( I point out that her phone bill must

be sky high, and she thinks about this and agrees, nada is a miser

and appealing to her " good common sense " with money always does the

trick). But, this is wishful thinking on my part. What do I do,

she's tried to kill herself twice? She still threatens to, but I am

not sure how serious she is because it has been years since the last

attempt. But I don't want to be the one who pushes the BPD " suicide "

button! This is so unfair, mentally, emotionally...after a 15 minute

phone call I just feel drained, upset...ugh.