A newcomers thanks for the replies and do I go to grandnada's funeral?

[Guest guest]

Thankyou to Bridget and Dee for replying and for the long distance

hugs. I have been 'holding me breath a bit', after seeming so crazy

out there. Nada's behaviour IS warped, IS warped, IS warped. Very long

mental exhalation from me!

Bridget, the way you describe the family interactions is uncanny, so

much an echo of many times with mine. If it was a sketch on telly

most people would laugh at the humour. But being in the sketch is

mind-bending isn't it, not funny at all, because these people are

trying to function in several different realities all at the same time

aren't they? I can see that now, as described by someone else. Never

could with my own. Always bought into the 'we are a normal caring

family, if you don't understand what is going on then YOU have a real

problem'.

> She is unfortunately ill and a total case of BPD.<

Do you really think so? I am not just imagining it? Not just looking

for an excuse not to deal with my own personality dysfunction? My

head kind of knows you will reply and say yes.... I feel a long way

from FEELING the difference that might make. When my brother was

diagnosed as bipolar it made a huge and immediate difference to how I

felt about him. But I suppose 'brother' is not meant to be the same

nurturing figure AND his behaviour was so extreme and erratic and

non-manipulative, just violent,full of wild fantasy and crazy or

really withdrawn and depressed and dark. It instantly made sense and

I could forgive him. Sadly he is still regularly hoovered up and spat

out by nada. Till the recent total nc with my nada, times when my

brother was nc with her he would be friends with me. When not nc he

rejected me and endorsed my nada's world view. I had no problem with

that, his problems meant he could'nt enjoy nada's favour whilst

withstanding the blasting. It was OK. Now he has nothing to do with

me either. He copies nada's behaviour to destroy my reality too. All

because of my dad's illness and death.

When my dad took ill, he was in intensive care, on machines, sedated

for some of the time, for nearly two full months. The drugs he needed

caused his circulation to crash and he had to have his feet amputated

because of gangrene. Nada rang to tell me he was in hospital about 4

weeks in. I found out later, that this was when he was PASSED the

unstable period, but gravely ill and permanently sedated, (so he

couldn't talk with visitors, but before the feet went). She said, 'I

thought you should know your dad is dying'. Even then (unless i

imagined it) her intonation was 'so now see what you've done, you've

left it too late, you selfish child'. Obviously I phoned, the

hospital would tell me nothing over the phone because nada had told

them dad only had one child. I had to take proof. When I found out

that his death had been imminent but was not imminent anymore, but

recovery was not a high probability, that the machines and drugs had

stabilised him, I was blazingly, searingly, ragingly angry. She needed

to have called me a week earlier for it to have been any genuine

contact. But she waited till the crisis passed and she had time to

use it to hurt me. I went in to say goodbye to dad, they said he

could probably hear me, but could not respond. Even then I trembled

like a leaf because of what I was about to do. I talked to him about

how much I loved him. How my view of him was of a proper, big, safe

daddy who held my hand and stood with me against the world's pitfalls.

He always intervened and picked me up and hugged me when I tripped up

in life. (he really did, and that IS how I felt about him, being

separate form him was agony). I then asked him, SO WHY could he not

stand between me and my mum, why did he never protect me from her? I

went on for ages separating the two of them in my mind and for him -

we had not seen each other for 27 months because he wouldn't go behind

nada's back. He bought into the 'bad daughter, how could you hurt

your mother like this' scenarios.

That was goodbye for me and it really helped, even though I couldn't

find out what my dad thought. I ran when I had done, I was terrified

that he would wake up and berate me even then, like he had the last

time, when he threw me out for trying to stand up to nada. On the way

out the nurse who had taken me in said that whilst she couldn't say

too much, how 'difficult' my nada was making it for them to treat him

properly because she kept getting upset, demading and making a fuss,

taking 'ill' etc. As my brother was mentally ill, did I know anything

that could help them? I replied no, it's just the way she is. That

is what i thought.

I determined to visit every few days to see the nurses and check on

progress, it was quite a drive to go every day. The next time Dad was

conscious but refused to see me, told them to send me away.

The next time I went he had had his feet removed. I was told it might

help his kidneys recover, by removing the toxins his gangrenous feet

were releasing. HE MIGHT YET RECOVER and need prosthesese. The nurse

said he had asked to see me if I came back, he was awake. Man, I was

so scared, I nearly refused. What had he decided just had to be said

to my face?

The nurse, seeing my fear added that he had sent my mum away with

instructions to not let her back in at all, not for anything, not even

when he died. Flabbergasted !!!!! I mean what is that phrase some of

you use, dishrag? When it came to my dad and nada ......how apt.

Nurse said dad insisted nada knew why, but no-one else needed to.

They honoured his wishes to the end, so he must have convinced them he

meant it.

Anyway, I went in, shaking and confused. He could only mouth around a

tracheostomy tube in his neck and I found it impossible to understand

him. There we were, him with quiet tears rolling down his face

repeating the same phrase over and over. Me shaking. In the end I got

a nurse to help, thinking I may as well get it over with, he obviously

had had enough of the bickereing and wanted to die in peace. What he

said was 'I want to say i am sorry'. I held his hand and sobbed, the

nurse cried, my dad cried and squeezed my hand so hard, for the

longest time. WOW after 42 years, whatever had gone on between them

he had chosen to say sorry to me..... I found that i could say sorry

to him too, for staying away, for hurting him in protecting myself...

I asked him about mum, his eyes shrouded and he mouthed 'I don't

remember why', nada was playing the 'the drugs are confusing him he

doesn't know what he is saying' line with the staff, so i asked him

again. He pulled me in, looked me in the eyes and mouthed with big

movements 'I don't remember' and nodded. he didn't want me involved,

but he was not confused. The staff knew that too. So I never did

find out what transpired, though one family member told me it was

linked to my dad's selfishness in agreeing to the amputation (which

might help him live) as it would mean nada would lose her home and her

carer as HE would need one. Whether that were true or not, he must

have heard that from nada to have thought of it. How dark and

terrible a position to take when a man has to choose between dying or

amputation!

On my next visit my husband and children had agreed to have Dad move

in with us if he chose to, if he survived. Downstairs bedroom, etc.

But in those few days he had deteriorated, his kidneys were not

recovering, he was heavily sedated and drifting in and out of

consciousness. I really was too late. That was the first - but not

the last - time i wished that nada had gone first. God forgive me.

Then there would have been time for healing and for me and dad to

enjoy each other. The doctors said Dad had started to go off soon

after my visit, like he had done what he needed to do. He was lovely

to me in his lucid moments and he let me stay with him when they

turned off the machines to let him go. I sat with him for four days

till he went. So much was healed between us in that time. Even though

he couldn't talk much. Staff several times asked me to leave whilst

they gave him the chance to change his mind about nada - until he was

too sedated to try. He never did.

Dad saw my brother, who would not see me 'because I had turned dad

against nada'. That is the version that has stuck in the family I'm

afraid. hard to overturn that one. Totally cockeyed of course,

because he wouldn't see me until after he had sent nada away. He

didn't know i was even going to go back at that point.

I wrote nada to say that if she wanted to see to everything

afterwards, then out of respect for dad I would stay away from the

funeral so she could say goodbye. Then I went to the grave after with

the children. My husband went to the funeral for me and the kids, to

not offend too much dad's sisters. We sent a wreath from us and my

kids, to the funeral directors. They did not know about me either and

said nada had instructed for FOO flowers only. So accepted them. My

brother removed the wreath from the car (I found out later), before

the cemetery and nada posted it back to me. I received this

unexpected packege and removed a rotting slimy wreath. My kids were

devastated, I nearly cracked up. I got a solicitor to warn her off of

all communication to me or the kids after that.

That triggered a letter from my grandnada, whoa.... what venom. First

time from her, she is normally more subtle. That ended my

relationship with her for good. One letter from me 'You have made

your feelings very clear. There is nothing that I want from you'.

Nothing else. Later cards started arriving again from both her and

nada to the children. I have continued to intercept it and bank any

money for them,I decided returning it would constitute contact and

feed their need to make me pay for what i had done. The kids don't

want to know now either.

Since posting the first part of my story, and all the tears, I do

actually feel a bit better. Usually crying left me exhausted and

feeling just as bad. So this has to be good. Having my truth out

there in the public domain seemed to undo some of the terror of the

taboo, even before anyone replied. NOT THAT I DON'T NEED YOUR SUPPORT.

Remembering my dad in the context of being a nonbp has further helped

me forgive him for letting me down. She bewitched him when they met -

his words. His closest lifleong friend had always said he woshipped

the ground she walked on and she treated him like dirt. I always

allowed myself to believe nada 'he never got over his jealousy when I

met him and took his friend off him'!!! I feel stupid now about that.

AND NOW, the crisis that caused me to search the web for some

understanding on Friday night. My grandnada died this week. A member

of the family let me know, but also stated that some had expresed the

wisdom that 'I would not, of course, not be attending the funeral, as

I would upset so many people'. STRANGE reaction in me. Feel a bit

beligerent, for another family person to warn me off, specifically to

protect my nada from the pain I WOULD CAUSE HER. Something just

tripped in my head. Nada WOULD cause a scene. GRANDNADA WOULD LOVE

IT. oh the drama..... 'even with me dead I tried to bring the family

back together and .....' Is that terrible of me now she is gone?

I don't know what to do.

Despite clearly bringing nada up to be a next generation nada (all the

signs are there!!!!) she was mostly good to me, until I was into my

30's and trying to extricate myself from nada - not her. She even

slipped messages from my nada to my children inside hers, behind my

back AND knowing what she had done for 40th birthday (ashes in post).

So i had to intercept her mail too. But there was not the animosity

I got from nada, she wasn't actively malicious to me, and was often

quite kind, between the dramas. A huge part of me wants to honour

that by going to her funeral. BUT, I am terrified of my nada being

there. However, I so regret not going to my dad's funeral, I think

even then it was her potential rage that kept me away - for me, not

for my dad. So I feel manipulated on that as well.

Whew. If you got to the end of this, thankyou for letting me offload.

The rest is just 'oh and as well she.....' and 'then there was the

time that.....' kind of stuff. That is the main bulk of the situation

I am in now. Plus, the result of it- that nada is very infirm and

alone. Grandnada is gone. My older brother has a serious mental

illness that hospitalises him for periods. Most of the more removed

family avoid it all and her. Then there is me. Should duty to look

out for her overcome fear of the damage?

I know the decision about the funeral has to be mine, but any advice

to help me avoid all the pitfalls of complying or reacting to nada in

my thinking would be a great help. How do I make a decision that is

for me and my needs reflecting my relationship with me grandnada and

keep nada out of my head to do it?

Bewildered

[Guest guest]

>

>

> I know the decision about the funeral has to be mine, but any advice

> to help me avoid all the pitfalls of complying or reacting to nada in

> my thinking would be a great help. How do I make a decision that is

> for me and my needs reflecting my relationship with me grandnada and

> keep nada out of my head to do it?

>

> Bewildered

Bridget, Funerals are not for the person who has passed on. I think

it is wonderful that you had the opportunity for closeness with

your father and he had the chance to tell you how sorry he was. That

had to be a beautiful experience for both of you. You also had the

privilege of being with him when he passed on. If it were me I would

rather remember that time as a closure with the family. If you

attend, you are opening the opportunity for more attacks and negative,

upsetting, hurtful things to be said to you. Funerals ARE for the

living and when things go as they should they can be very comforting.

But I can't imagine from what you have written to us, that this one

could be anything but dangerous and hurtful for you. Remember, your

grandmother has passed on, and this funeral isn't really for her, but

for those left behind. You have had a separation from her and now

that she is gone just attending the funeral really won't make any

difference to her. It could make a big difference to you, though, in

a very negative way. Why subject yourself to what you know will be

hell on earth. Ultimately, the decision is yours. But think

carefully what you will really gain by going. Of course, we will all

support whatever decision you make. You are in a bad spot. Just hang

on to the reality that others there do not understand how wonderful

you are and instead wish to scapegoat their own shortcomings onto you.

Best of all to you in making this decision. Dee