I just had to share...

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone.

First, I want to say THANK YOU. Thank you to every single one of you that

has answered my posts, and helped me through some tough spots. Although I am

fairly new to this group, it is because of you all that I am able to find the

strength daily to continue to do what it takes to stay sane and keep from being

tortured by FOG and nada.

It is also because of many of you and your stories, as well as my own

introspection, that I did something that I should have done long ago. Because I

now question nada's interpretation of reality, as well as some memories that I

now believe were " planted " , I reached out to the one person in my life that I

was certain didn't care about me or love me. I always believed this person was

the one that abandoned me, because nada said so. I called my bio father(a yo-yo

dad, in and out of my life for years) who lives in Florida, two days before Rita

hit. I never expected he would want to talk to me. But he did. I also sent him a

Christmas card(although I am not Christian, he is) and pictures of my dd. On

Christmas Day, as I was working my tush off in the kitchen, making a holiday

feast for a dozen people, the phone rings. My FIL answered, and called me in. It

was my dad, just calling to wish me a merry Christmas. As soon as I hung up the

phone, I was in tears. I felt a huge wave of

something close to relief wash over me, and just sobbed. When I was asked what

was wrong, I looked around with a huge smile on my face and announced that that

was the first time my Dad had called on Christmas in 13 years. I am only 26!That

was the best gift that I think I have ever been given. I feel like I was

validated in that one instant, and that the hope and love that I still had in my

heart for my dad was not pointless. I think back to all of the venom and bile

that nada spewed to make my brother and I hate my father, and I wonder now how

much of it was real and how much was imagined. I wonder which stories were

fabricated, or if there were any at all that were true. I do not agree with the

way that we were left to deal with nada on our own, and to eventually dote on

her and put her needs and wants above ours, but I can now understand, as an

adult, WHY he walked out. Granted, it was she that moved us 200 miles away and

divorced him, but he still had the opportunity to see us.

Or did he? Did she, in a fit of rage, refuse him access to us? I am sure that

one day, some of these questions will be answered. But not yet. In 2006, I have

one resolution. To rebuild a relationship with the father that I hardly know. It

will be hard, but not impossible. I feel like some big strides have already been

made. It feels good.

And....yesterday, I got a card in the mail. Not a typical bulk-mail

holiday card that you buy in packages of twenty. One that someone took care in

picking out and selecting just for me and my family. There was a sweet message

in the card, and also(in my stepmother's handwriting) " Merry Christmas

, to you and your family. Hope all is going well. Love, (stepmother's

name) and Dad. P.S. Sorry if this arrives late. Inside was a carefully

hand-written note and a check. The note said simply, " Chrissy(I haven't been

called that since I was 8!), here is a little gift. Go buy something for

yourself,(DH) and (DD). Happy shopping!! " No nada-ish comments, no implications,

no FOG response to the gift. I know, it sounds silly, but for once, I can look

at something as a GIFT...not a debt. I feel elated right now. And the little

girl inside of me that has been screaming for years, " Love me! Pay attention to

me! Care about me! I am a person! I MATTER!!!!!! " is starting to feel better. I

never knew how much joy something so simple could bring. It is such a release.

Let's hope that 2006 will bring many more moments such as these. Right now,

though, I have a thank you card to write.

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