funerals and neglect in the face of dire need

January 1, 2006

That's OK Dee, did a double take for a moment there!

What you say makes sense at one level. I should not go to the funeral

because of the potential and real risk of damage to myself. But:-

1) being excluded from every family event because I MIGHT UPSET MY MUM

and people wouldn't consider it kind of me to do that to her. Just

gets up my nose. The complicity hurts so much. I want my family to

accept me again, I hate that i do, but I do. I hate that I am

ostracised because of the way nada is. Like I really am the baddy she

says. I'm not perfect, but we all got on fine before i protected

myself from her by going nc.

2) i need to get a grip on this runaway feeling that somehow, because

I now see that maybe there is a reason nada is this way, if i can just

go, stay calm, not react to her, be around the family whilst they see

her kicking off and me not, that just maybe I might get some of my

family back. Being maligned by my nada, for ignoring her all this

time when 'all she has ever done has been to try to do her best for me

and she is not the perfect mother I think i deserve' - just seems

unfair. That's just not it!

More importantly, 3)I think maybe i will feel better if i can be

around the bully and not lose myself. Also, and to my shame, I want

to see her again because I have heard she is very frail, physically.

Part of me feels that if I see her and can perceive her as weak not

strong, i won't feel so scared of her. Not to gloat, just to feel her

step off my head. Please, someone point out for me the flaw in this

thinking because right now I want to go to this wretched funeral. It

really doesn't sound like nada will last long. Then I would never

have the chance to try out this theory.

4)Last point, she needs support and will not accept it, if i just turn

up. I don't want her to suffer in her living circumstances and I have

heard she is, with me the closest able relative and no-one else

offering. If i turn up at the funeral and I can cope, i can then

slide into the role of getting her the care she needs?????? Wanting

to ... if I don't now, will I regret it when it is too late to try?

Before you ask, I want to because she is suffering, not because of any

guilt trip about repaying any sort of debt. Human decency. Just don't

know if i can. the funeral could act like a sort of trial run....

As for my Dad, how right you are. It was a precious time, for which

i thank God. But the regrets are hard to let go of.

Notsobewildered

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