How do you announce that things will be different?

[Guest guest]

So now that I've decided that things have to be different with my

mom, how do I tell her? I have tried this before and it's always

blown up in my face. My goals include talking to her once a week so

she can talk to the grandchildren and reducing the amount she knows

about my family. She knows waaaay too much about us. This is

because I need to learn to be more discrete and also because if she

calls and I'm faking being happy she always figures it out (Isn't

there something in SWOE about BPs being perceptive?) and asks

questions until she knows the details. Then I hate myself.

I feel like I'm being cruel to a child. She has no idea why I'm not

talking to her. I tried to tell her last Thurday and got told all of

the nonsense about " not knowing how to be in a relationship " etc. etc.

Also, when I've tried this in the past, it hasn't lasted because

things smooth over and we go right back to old habits.

I want to make a life change. I have been married over 10 years and

it's time to put my marriage first. DH has been very, very patient

about this situation, but he's tired of hearing me say that " this

time will be different " or " I can keep her under control " .

I would love to hear how you made this change, stuck to it, and could

still go to sleep at night knowing that you've made someone angry.

Thanks so much for all of your posts.

le

[Guest guest]

I did 'IT' by just saying 'leave me alone' every time nada called. carol

In a message dated 8/30/2007 9:10:25 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

ddmoore7677@... writes:

So now that I've decided that things have to be different with my

mom, how do I tell her? I have tried this before and it's always

blown up in my face. My goals include talking to her once a week so

she can talk to the grandchildren and reducing the amount she knows

about my family. She knows waaaay too much about us. This is

because I need to learn to be more discrete and also because if she

calls and I'm faking being happy she always figures it out (Isn't

there something in SWOE about BPs being perceptive?) and asks

questions until she knows the details. Then I hate myself.

I feel like I'm being cruel to a child. She has no idea why I'm not

talking to her. I tried to tell her last Thurday and got told all of

the nonsense about " not knowing how to be in a relationship " etc. etc.

Also, when I've tried this in the past, it hasn't lasted because

things smooth over and we go right back to old habits.

I want to make a life change. I have been married over 10 years and

it's time to put my marriage first. DH has been very, very patient

about this situation, but he's tired of hearing me say that " this

time will be different " or " I can keep her under control " .

I would love to hear how you made this change, stuck to it, and could

still go to sleep at night knowing that you've made someone angry.

Thanks so much for all of your posts.

le

************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at

http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour

[Guest guest]

I just got the book " Better Boundaries " , but I haven't read it yet.

Maybe it has some tips that I can pass along, or maybe you could look

into some books along those lines. There is a lot of great

communication advice in SWOE that helps you be supportive,

empathetic, but stick to the truth of the fact you won't let people

treat you this way.

The times that I have set boundaries I worried and imagined all the

different dramatic scenarios, but finally it just came down to the

point where I had to tell her, so I just plunged in and said it

bluntly because I couldn't obsess or worry about doing it anymore.

" I won't be coming home for Christmas. "

" Ok. "

That was pretty much it. Of course, this made me awfully depressed

that she didn't put up a fight and just made me want to come home for

Christmas. But I was true to myself and no matter what will not go.

I also just stopped calling her, and she didn't put up a fuss or even

call me (though I understand that a lot of nada's aren't like that).

I still have a ton of urges to call her and let her know what's going

on in my life but everyone time I hold myself back because I know I

can never go back to her. I know she and I will never have a

relationship.

Whatever happens, there will probably be a part of you that doesn't

feel that great about the whole situation (I mean who would feel

great about having to push their " mother " away? That's no fun), but

I GUARANTEE you that there will be a BIGGER part of you that feels so

light and FABULOUS and strong and healthy after you do it that that

lingering uncomfortable feeling will be worth reclaiming your life.

Good luck!

g.

> >

> > So now that I've decided that things have to be different with my

> > mom, how do I tell her? I have tried this before and it's always

> > blown up in my face. My goals include talking to her once a week

> so

> > she can talk to the grandchildren and reducing the amount she

> knows

> > about my family. She knows waaaay too much about us. This is

> > because I need to learn to be more discrete and also because if

> she

> > calls and I'm faking being happy she always figures it out (Isn't

> > there something in SWOE about BPs being perceptive?) and asks

> > questions until she knows the details. Then I hate myself.

> >

> > I feel like I'm being cruel to a child. She has no idea why I'm

> not

> > talking to her. I tried to tell her last Thurday and got told

all

> of

> > the nonsense about " not knowing how to be in a relationship " etc.

> etc.

> > Also, when I've tried this in the past, it hasn't lasted because

> > things smooth over and we go right back to old habits.

> >

> > I want to make a life change. I have been married over 10 years

> and

> > it's time to put my marriage first. DH has been very, very

> patient

> > about this situation, but he's tired of hearing me say that " this

> > time will be different " or " I can keep her under control " .

> >

> > I would love to hear how you made this change, stuck to it, and

> could

> > still go to sleep at night knowing that you've made someone angry.

> >

> > Thanks so much for all of your posts.

> >

> > le

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you questions

until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll say, " What

did you do? "

" We went to the movies? "

" Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat.... blahblahb I

wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be good....

Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a different

film... "

She gets all up in my business! My friends have even expressed how

upset they were that I had told her things that they had told me

about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like talking

with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is rarely

since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually picked

this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring up that

I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how they use

little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes sense...

like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

I've started to use these tips and they really have worked for me.

It's also just hard and frustrating that I can't be open with her

about these things.

I just want to remind you that the only cruel person in this

situation is your nada. It is just a reflection of you being in FOG

that you have come to feel that setting appropriate healthy

boundaries is somehow being 'mean' or not knowing how to be in

a 'relationship', when in reality all the negative things she's

telling you are really just projections of how she should feel about

herself (and probably subconsiously does).

It's ok to keep things to yourself. People who really love you would

respect that. Guess what? Your nada won't respect that. I have

come to realize that why my nada needs all these details, needs to

comment on all the happenings of my life, and always gives et nauseum

pushy advice... is that this micromanaging reflects how she literally

thinks I am a projection of her. She can't let me have my own life

because she really believes it is her own. Just more of the lies

that she has fed to me. Understanding this has allowed me to let go

of hoping she could be any different and begin to take the necessary

measures to recapture and maintain my own life.

I wish you all the best! We've been there, so we know that you're

not the meanie she is making you out to be.

g.

> >

> > So now that I've decided that things have to be different with my

> > mom, how do I tell her? I have tried this before and it's always

> > blown up in my face. My goals include talking to her once a week

> so

> > she can talk to the grandchildren and reducing the amount she

> knows

> > about my family. She knows waaaay too much about us. This is

> > because I need to learn to be more discrete and also because if

> she

> > calls and I'm faking being happy she always figures it out (Isn't

> > there something in SWOE about BPs being perceptive?) and asks

> > questions until she knows the details. Then I hate myself.

> >

> > I feel like I'm being cruel to a child. She has no idea why I'm

> not

> > talking to her. I tried to tell her last Thurday and got told

all

> of

> > the nonsense about " not knowing how to be in a relationship " etc.

> etc.

> > Also, when I've tried this in the past, it hasn't lasted because

> > things smooth over and we go right back to old habits.

> >

> > I want to make a life change. I have been married over 10 years

> and

> > it's time to put my marriage first. DH has been very, very

> patient

> > about this situation, but he's tired of hearing me say that " this

> > time will be different " or " I can keep her under control " .

> >

> > I would love to hear how you made this change, stuck to it, and

> could

> > still go to sleep at night knowing that you've made someone angry.

> >

> > Thanks so much for all of your posts.

> >

> > le

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you questions

> until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

>

> If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll say, " What

> did you do? "

> " We went to the movies? "

> " Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat.... blahblahb I

> wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be good....

> Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a different

> film... "

>

> She gets all up in my business! My friends have even expressed how

> upset they were that I had told her things that they had told me

> about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like talking

> with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

>

> Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is rarely

> since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually picked

> this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

>

> How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring up that

> I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how they use

> little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes sense...

> like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

*** You could also, when it goes too far, try something like " wow, are

you writing a book? "

My nada does that to me too and I have done it to others, because that

is what I learned. It is yet another thing that I am aware of, and

work on changing.

[Guest guest]

That's a good one...

What do I do when she says...

" No. I was just trying to have polite conversation. "

Then I would feel badly for saying that.

Then she would say, " You're so sensitive. "

Then I would feel bad about me being me.

g.

> >

> > That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you questions

> > until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

> >

> > If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll

say, " What

> > did you do? "

> > " We went to the movies? "

> > " Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat.... blahblahb

I

> > wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be

good....

> > Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a

different

> > film... "

> >

> > She gets all up in my business! My friends have even expressed

how

> > upset they were that I had told her things that they had told me

> > about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like

talking

> > with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

> >

> > Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is rarely

> > since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually

picked

> > this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

> >

> > How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring up

that

> > I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how they

use

> > little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes sense...

> > like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

>

>

>

> *** You could also, when it goes too far, try something like " wow,

are

> you writing a book? "

>

> My nada does that to me too and I have done it to others, because

that

> is what I learned. It is yet another thing that I am aware of, and

> work on changing.

>

[Guest guest]

" we can do that. tell me what YOU did today... "

> > >

> > > That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you questions

> > > until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

> > >

> > > If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll

> say, " What

> > > did you do? "

> > > " We went to the movies? "

> > > " Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat.... blahblahb

> I

> > > wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be

> good....

> > > Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a

> different

> > > film... "

> > >

> > > She gets all up in my business! My friends have even expressed

> how

> > > upset they were that I had told her things that they had told me

> > > about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like

> talking

> > > with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

> > >

> > > Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is rarely

> > > since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually

> picked

> > > this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

> > >

> > > How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring up

> that

> > > I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how they

> use

> > > little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes sense...

> > > like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

> >

> >

> >

> > *** You could also, when it goes too far, try something like " wow,

> are

> > you writing a book? "

> >

> > My nada does that to me too and I have done it to others, because

> that

> > is what I learned. It is yet another thing that I am aware of, and

> > work on changing.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Then she would say, " You're so sensitive. "

Then I would feel bad about me being me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\

-------

I heard this one alot and it affected me the same way. Recently, when she

said that I was too sensitive, I replied, " You're right, I am a very sensitive

and a very caring person. " I've not heard that criticism since. -Leslye

genevieveheller wrote:

That's a good one...

What do I do when she says...

" No. I was just trying to have polite conversation. "

Then I would feel badly for saying that.

Then she would say, " You're so sensitive. "

Then I would feel bad about me being me.

g.

> >

> > That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you questions

> > until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

> >

> > If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll

say, " What

> > did you do? "

> > " We went to the movies? "

> > " Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat.... blahblahb

I

> > wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be

good....

> > Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a

different

> > film... "

> >

> > She gets all up in my business! My friends have even expressed

how

> > upset they were that I had told her things that they had told me

> > about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like

talking

> > with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

> >

> > Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is rarely

> > since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually

picked

> > this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

> >

> > How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring up

that

> > I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how they

use

> > little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes sense...

> > like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

>

>

>

> *** You could also, when it goes too far, try something like " wow,

are

> you writing a book? "

>

> My nada does that to me too and I have done it to others, because

that

> is what I learned. It is yet another thing that I am aware of, and

> work on changing.

>

---------------------------------

Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news,

photos & more.

[Guest guest]

A suggestion is to say, " I know I let this go in the past, but I've

made the decision to do XX now. This isn't personal toward you--if

anyone tried to do that to me I would respond the same way.

Randi Kreger (WTO community owner)

> > > >

> > > > That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you

questions

> > > > until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

> > > >

> > > > If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll

> > say, " What

> > > > did you do? "

> > > > " We went to the movies? "

> > > > " Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat....

blahblahb

> > I

> > > > wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be

> > good....

> > > > Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a

> > different

> > > > film... "

> > > >

> > > > She gets all up in my business! My friends have even

expressed

> > how

> > > > upset they were that I had told her things that they had told

me

> > > > about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like

> > talking

> > > > with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

> > > >

> > > > Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is

rarely

> > > > since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually

> > picked

> > > > this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

> > > >

> > > > How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring

up

> > that

> > > > I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how

they

> > use

> > > > little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes

sense...

> > > > like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > *** You could also, when it goes too far, try something

like " wow,

> > are

> > > you writing a book? "

> > >

> > > My nada does that to me too and I have done it to others,

because

> > that

> > > is what I learned. It is yet another thing that I am aware of,

and

> > > work on changing.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You could go the sarcastic route and say: " I've seen four year olds

who converse more politely than that. "

Or " Were you? I'm sorry, I was distracted by your KGB interrogation

tactics. "

I was going to write a polite response as well, but honestly, I can't

really think of one. That interrogation/berating game is more than

just rude, it's outright aggressive. The excuse that it's just " polite

conversation " is complete BS. I can't abide pretending that it *is*

polite, so my response would probably be sarcastic. Thankfully, I

haven't had to deal with that in quite a while, but my other fallback

is to say that I would prefer not to discuss the matter.

qwerty

>

> That's a good one...

>

> What do I do when she says...

>

> " No. I was just trying to have polite conversation. "

>

> Then I would feel badly for saying that.

>

> Then she would say, " You're so sensitive. "

> Then I would feel bad about me being me.

>

> g.

> > *** You could also, when it goes too far, try something like " wow,

> are

> > you writing a book? "

[Guest guest]

Oh! Good one. Thanks.

Clearly you've had practice with this ; )

g.

> > > >

> > > > That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you

questions

> > > > until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

> > > >

> > > > If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll

> > say, " What

> > > > did you do? "

> > > > " We went to the movies? "

> > > > " Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat....

blahblahb

> > I

> > > > wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be

> > good....

> > > > Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a

> > different

> > > > film... "

> > > >

> > > > She gets all up in my business! My friends have even

expressed

> > how

> > > > upset they were that I had told her things that they had told

me

> > > > about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like

> > talking

> > > > with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

> > > >

> > > > Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is

rarely

> > > > since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually

> > picked

> > > > this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

> > > >

> > > > How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring

up

> > that

> > > > I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how

they

> > use

> > > > little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes

sense...

> > > > like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > *** You could also, when it goes too far, try something

like " wow,

> > are

> > > you writing a book? "

> > >

> > > My nada does that to me too and I have done it to others,

because

> > that

> > > is what I learned. It is yet another thing that I am aware of,

and

> > > work on changing.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Nice! That's a good one.

I finally figured out I didn't have to feel badly about

being " sensitive " when my therapist asked me, " So what? So what if

you're sensitive? How does that change anything? "

She helped me understand that even if my nada labeled me

as " sensitive " that didn't take away the pain that I was feeling and

it didn't make my pain invalid (which is what she was trying to do).

Just a thought for anyone else reading this and pondering the label.

Thanks,

g.

> > >

> > > That's also interesting how you said your nada asks you

questions

> > > until she knows the details. My nada is the same way.

> > >

> > > If I say, " I went out with my friend Jane. " Then she'll

> say, " What

> > > did you do? "

> > > " We went to the movies? "

> > > " Which movie?.... Did you like it? What did you eat....

blahblahb

> I

> > > wouldn't have eaten that... That film isn't supposed to be

> good....

> > > Why did you say that to Jane? You should have gone to a

> different

> > > film... "

> > >

> > > She gets all up in my business! My friends have even expressed

> how

> > > upset they were that I had told her things that they had told

me

> > > about themselves... but they don't understand what it's like

> talking

> > > with her! You just can't escape from the questions!

> > >

> > > Now what I do when I do talk to her on the phone (which is

rarely

> > > since I have a rule I don't call her to 'talk')-- I actually

> picked

> > > this tip up from the forum -- is use short one word answers.

> > >

> > > How do I avert the scenario listed above? I DON'T even bring up

> that

> > > I went to the movies. A lot of people have talked about how

they

> use

> > > little white lies to avoid contact with nada which makes

sense...

> > > like " What did you do last night? " " Nothing. "

> >

> >

> >

> > *** You could also, when it goes too far, try something

like " wow,

> are

> > you writing a book? "

> >

> > My nada does that to me too and I have done it to others, because

> that

> > is what I learned. It is yet another thing that I am aware of, and

> > work on changing.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket:

mail, news, photos & more.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I feel that way too when I try to have conversations with my

mother...that is forever the game of " 20 questions " ...to the point

when if I mention I went out to dinner it is " where did you

sit " , " what did you eat " , " what did they eat " , " how much did it

cost " , " what did you wear " , " what color was it " " when did you go "

what time did you get back " ...and the conversation gets FREAKING

EXHAUSTING!

With my mom, though, I think the one-word answers starve her of the

info she wants and it triggers her " frustration " with me so it

backfires. Now if I mention anything I know she'll want to know more

about I just spend the 2 minutes describing everything to detail and

change the subject by asking something about her...

I like your rule...don't call to " talk " . I don't call her anymore

either unless there is a reason because it always leads to strained

and forced conversations that end up being hurtful for both of us.

amber

> > >

> > > So now that I've decided that things have to be different with

my

> > > mom, how do I tell her? I have tried this before and it's

always

> > > blown up in my face. My goals include talking to her once a

week

> > so

> > > she can talk to the grandchildren and reducing the amount she

> > knows

> > > about my family. She knows waaaay too much about us. This is

> > > because I need to learn to be more discrete and also because if

> > she

> > > calls and I'm faking being happy she always figures it out

(Isn't

> > > there something in SWOE about BPs being perceptive?) and asks

> > > questions until she knows the details. Then I hate myself.

> > >

> > > I feel like I'm being cruel to a child. She has no idea why

I'm

> > not

> > > talking to her. I tried to tell her last Thurday and got told

> all

> > of

> > > the nonsense about " not knowing how to be in a relationship "

etc.

> > etc.

> > > Also, when I've tried this in the past, it hasn't lasted

because

> > > things smooth over and we go right back to old habits.

> > >

> > > I want to make a life change. I have been married over 10

years

> > and

> > > it's time to put my marriage first. DH has been very, very

> > patient

> > > about this situation, but he's tired of hearing me say

that " this

> > > time will be different " or " I can keep her under control " .

> > >

> > > I would love to hear how you made this change, stuck to it, and

> > could

> > > still go to sleep at night knowing that you've made someone

angry.

> > >

> > > Thanks so much for all of your posts.

> > >

> > > le

> > >

> >

>