Funeral decision

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all the people who responded to my dilemma over upcoming

funeral.

Decided to go to the commital at the cemetery, not the church. The

vicar knows my nada would be upset by my attendance yet urged me to do

what i needed to, said i do not need my nada's permission to attend,

it is not for her to refuse me. To consider JUST my relationship with

the deceased. That kind of clinched it and resulted in my decision, a

compromise I think i can handle. Lots of space to walk away, then

come back if she blows up. I also was struggling with guilt over

nada's poor health. In the end I wrote a brief note to her, saying

that my going nc had been an act of desperation at a time when the

hurts were escalating between us. That now time had passed if she

wanted peace we could give it a go. That if she needed anything I

would do all that i could. Also telling her that i would be at the

funeral and why.

My dh read what I wrote and felt that it was an olive branch letter,

but that nada would be still find 'evidence' over which to be livid,

furious and blow her stack. Just because of how she has twisted things

in the past. Exactly what i thought,mainly because i don't apologise

and grovel for the nc. He also felt, as i did, that there was NO WAY

of approaching her without her finding something in it to attack me

over. Still, I feel that i have done the right thing for me. It will,

no doubt, create a backlash -just what, i am not sure. By contacting

her it invites response. If she is nasty then we just pull up the draw

bridge again, I cry on here and on my dh and we go forward. If she

lets me back in i will know not to get hoovered too bad, and will try

to help in any way she will let me. Thing is, I know (nearly for

certain) that she will not want me to 'help' her, not with any real

needs and will probably reject any notion of needing help. and me

with it. BUT, I couldn't not offer. Came to the conclusion that i

would regret it if I didn't try.

So my hard fought for nc might just vanish, without any real positive

outcome. If in a few days/ weeks i am posting about how awful

everything is, someone please remind me that I felt I had no choice

but to do this. I am sure i will come to doubt this. Right now i do

believe I had to get in touch with her, whatever the consequences.

Holding onto that might help when the s**t comes my way.

I just wish...........