Re: When someone yells

[Guest guest]

Phoenix,

I haven't been in your situation, so I can't really tell you an " I've

been there " story. However, I have had interactions with unstable

people in the past, and your soon to be ex sounds like he fits this

description.

Prepare for the worst. Try to remove all of the possessions that are

important to you and get them to your new place. I imagine you are not

informing him of your new address. And be sure to cut off all

financial ties. If you're concerned he might go after your money,

change bank accounts. If at all possible, try to move out before he

expects you to.

Hope it all goes smoothly.

qwerty

>

> I understand how many people feel they aren't getting the support or

> answers to their posts here that they would like, so I'm kinda

> hesitant to ask. But I'm going to any way, because I could use some

> help. Especially with the weekend coming :/

>

> In a nutshell, I have decided this week to move out from my

> boyfriend's house. I have a 15 year old daughter that lives with me

> full-time. Since I have been with him (1.5 years), he has lost his

> temper and yelled at me 4 times. The last 3 times have been in the

> last month. I will not accept it anymore. He knows it is wrong but he

> has self-control problems. I was yelled at and brutalized as a child.

> He knows this. He is under a lot of stress, but this is no excuse.

> NOt to me at least, you all can probably understand better than most.

>

> That said, I'm gathering my plan and have told him. He has never

> physically harmed me and I don't believe he would. I simply have

> never been in this situation. The anxiety appears as soon as I get in

> the car to leave work. I was shaking last night so bad I had to take

> benadryl to calm down. Not good, but it is coping best I can. I plan

> to move in a month (he will be gone the last half of September on a

> hunting trip.)

>

> I have told him I will not respond to email, text message or phone

> calls. I will only speak with him face to face. He is an avoidant

> person, self-centered, childish, not a good communicator (anymore)

> and he is a money freak (he gives THINGS, not himself.) I have about

> enough money to move to an apartment. I have no more furniture to

> speak of except the bedroom set he bought for my child last month. I

> don't say this as a tale of woe is me, I say it because it makes me

> afraid I won't be able to stand alone. Last time I did it was when my

> nada took my daughter. I THINK I can do it. I won't miss him (too

> much) because the relationship has deteriorated. I'm not going to

> accept a nice house, financial comfort, and sex in exchange for being

> treated lovingly. I have a great job, two best friends, and a

> WONDERFUL daughter I love very much and she loves and appreciates me

> very much. We can do it...it just won't be simple.

>

> What i'm asking is just to hear your " I did it " stories, or " here's

> what can help you hang in there until you move out " or " I have a

> suggestion you may not have thought of " or anything else that this

> post may inspire you to write.

>

> I have been seing a relationship therapist for over a year. He won't

> go with me or to a couples counselor. He said he would but changed

> his mind. He has a lot of issues. I have my own. I simply have lost

> my respect, love, affection and any concern for his wellbeing. I

> deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, affection and love. I

> give it, I want it. I do NOT want anotehr relationship. I have my

> daughter and a good life.

>

> Okay...I'll leave it at that for now, and thank you for any input you

> can give me. I come here to find help and give it, as everyone else

> does to the best of their ability

> Phoenix

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, Phoenix,

I can't say that I've been in your situation, either. But it sounds

like you are doing the right thing. I wish you all the best during

your transition.

My husband has never once yelled at me or called me a name. Men like

that are out there, and I'm glad you're willing to stand up for

yourself (and your daughter--it sets a good example to her to show

her what behavior is and is not acceptable).

Good luck!

>

> I understand how many people feel they aren't getting the support

or

> answers to their posts here that they would like, so I'm kinda

> hesitant to ask. But I'm going to any way, because I could use some

> help. Especially with the weekend coming :/

>

> In a nutshell, I have decided this week to move out from my

> boyfriend's house. I have a 15 year old daughter that lives with me

> full-time. Since I have been with him (1.5 years), he has lost his

> temper and yelled at me 4 times. The last 3 times have been in the

> last month. I will not accept it anymore. He knows it is wrong but

he

> has self-control problems. I was yelled at and brutalized as a

child.

> He knows this. He is under a lot of stress, but this is no excuse.

> NOt to me at least, you all can probably understand better than

most.

>

> That said, I'm gathering my plan and have told him. He has never

> physically harmed me and I don't believe he would. I simply have

> never been in this situation. The anxiety appears as soon as I get

in

> the car to leave work. I was shaking last night so bad I had to

take

> benadryl to calm down. Not good, but it is coping best I can. I

plan

> to move in a month (he will be gone the last half of September on a

> hunting trip.)

>

> I have told him I will not respond to email, text message or phone

> calls. I will only speak with him face to face. He is an avoidant

> person, self-centered, childish, not a good communicator (anymore)

> and he is a money freak (he gives THINGS, not himself.) I have

about

> enough money to move to an apartment. I have no more furniture to

> speak of except the bedroom set he bought for my child last month.

I

> don't say this as a tale of woe is me, I say it because it makes me

> afraid I won't be able to stand alone. Last time I did it was when

my

> nada took my daughter. I THINK I can do it. I won't miss him (too

> much) because the relationship has deteriorated. I'm not going to

> accept a nice house, financial comfort, and sex in exchange for

being

> treated lovingly. I have a great job, two best friends, and a

> WONDERFUL daughter I love very much and she loves and appreciates

me

> very much. We can do it...it just won't be simple.

>

> What i'm asking is just to hear your " I did it " stories, or " here's

> what can help you hang in there until you move out " or " I have a

> suggestion you may not have thought of " or anything else that this

> post may inspire you to write.

>

> I have been seing a relationship therapist for over a year. He

won't

> go with me or to a couples counselor. He said he would but changed

> his mind. He has a lot of issues. I have my own. I simply have lost

> my respect, love, affection and any concern for his wellbeing. I

> deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, affection and love. I

> give it, I want it. I do NOT want anotehr relationship. I have my

> daughter and a good life.

>

> Okay...I'll leave it at that for now, and thank you for any input

you

> can give me. I come here to find help and give it, as everyone else

> does to the best of their ability

> Phoenix

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you both...I DO want to set an example for my daughter of what

a loving relationship is.

There's one hour left of work and the gut anxiousness is coming

again My best friend is out of town on vacation until 8/31. Makes

it hard. I HATE that walking on eggshells feeling in my own house.

Walking so as not to upset him. As long as I don't talk, it's fine.

Boy is THAT something I couldn't do as a kid (I was the one that

stood eye to eye and got beat more for it) but I've learned how to

control myself now.

I'm so afraid of a confrontation. Afraid I might yell and scream

myself. Or smack him. Angry people bring out the worst in me.

I just hope he goes away from the house for the weekend. He works A

LOT, in ICU, and has 12 hour shifts. When he's gone then it's no

problem. He's always go go go, which I hope continues until I go.

Less contact the better.

Deep breath. Going home on a Friday shouldn't feel so dreadful

I keep writing and writing, journaling, writing it here just helps me

feel less alone. Thank you...

> >

> > I understand how many people feel they aren't getting the support

> or

> > answers to their posts here that they would like, so I'm kinda

> > hesitant to ask. But I'm going to any way, because I could use

some

> > help. Especially with the weekend coming :/

> >

> > In a nutshell, I have decided this week to move out from my

> > boyfriend's house. I have a 15 year old daughter that lives with

me

> > full-time. Since I have been with him (1.5 years), he has lost

his

> > temper and yelled at me 4 times. The last 3 times have been in

the

> > last month. I will not accept it anymore. He knows it is wrong

but

> he

> > has self-control problems. I was yelled at and brutalized as a

> child.

> > He knows this. He is under a lot of stress, but this is no

excuse.

> > NOt to me at least, you all can probably understand better than

> most.

> >

> > That said, I'm gathering my plan and have told him. He has never

> > physically harmed me and I don't believe he would. I simply have

> > never been in this situation. The anxiety appears as soon as I

get

> in

> > the car to leave work. I was shaking last night so bad I had to

> take

> > benadryl to calm down. Not good, but it is coping best I can. I

> plan

> > to move in a month (he will be gone the last half of September on

a

> > hunting trip.)

> >

> > I have told him I will not respond to email, text message or

phone

> > calls. I will only speak with him face to face. He is an avoidant

> > person, self-centered, childish, not a good communicator

(anymore)

> > and he is a money freak (he gives THINGS, not himself.) I have

> about

> > enough money to move to an apartment. I have no more furniture to

> > speak of except the bedroom set he bought for my child last

month.

> I

> > don't say this as a tale of woe is me, I say it because it makes

me

> > afraid I won't be able to stand alone. Last time I did it was

when

> my

> > nada took my daughter. I THINK I can do it. I won't miss him (too

> > much) because the relationship has deteriorated. I'm not going to

> > accept a nice house, financial comfort, and sex in exchange for

> being

> > treated lovingly. I have a great job, two best friends, and a

> > WONDERFUL daughter I love very much and she loves and appreciates

> me

> > very much. We can do it...it just won't be simple.

> >

> > What i'm asking is just to hear your " I did it " stories,

or " here's

> > what can help you hang in there until you move out " or " I have a

> > suggestion you may not have thought of " or anything else that

this

> > post may inspire you to write.

> >

> > I have been seing a relationship therapist for over a year. He

> won't

> > go with me or to a couples counselor. He said he would but

changed

> > his mind. He has a lot of issues. I have my own. I simply have

lost

> > my respect, love, affection and any concern for his wellbeing. I

> > deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, affection and love.

I

> > give it, I want it. I do NOT want anotehr relationship. I have my

> > daughter and a good life.

> >

> > Okay...I'll leave it at that for now, and thank you for any input

> you

> > can give me. I come here to find help and give it, as everyone

else

> > does to the best of their ability

> > Phoenix

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Phoenix,

Like the others, I can't give you an " I've been there " or " Here's

what you do, " but I can tell you that your daughter is going to be so

proud of her mom, standing up for the two of you like you are. You

are teaching her how to care for and about herself by caring for and

about yourself. You are leaving before anything physical happens

from either of you.

I know what you mean about a yelling person setting off the worst in

you. I had a parent in my classroom who came in after school and

started YELLING at her 6 year old son. Absolutely screaming. I felt

so sorry for that little life, the boy who had driven me crazy all

week, and never called the mom about his behavior again. I didn't

want the crazy screaming woman anywhere near me, and I didn't want

abuse of any kind in my classroom.

Even if your daughter doesn't fully grasp your reasons for leaving

right now, one day she will. And if she comes across a guy who is OK

but yells, she'll have the strength and experience to know she can

leave.

[Guest guest]

::sniff:: :::sniff::: :') tearing up You just helped me frame a

visual picture of my daughter coming to me, some day in the future,

while in a relationship with what seems to be a 'great' guy and

saying " mom he yells horrible things at me and he never apologizes.

He doesn't listen when I tell him how I feel. He makes me feel like

he doesn't care about me and never tells me he appreciates me even

when I ask him to. " And I know now just what I would hope she would

do: leave.

Thank you for drawing the picture. I would never want HER to feel

this way. I guess now I finally love myself enough to not tolerate

someone treating ME this way. Of course I DO wish she would

understand now, but I guess she can't.

I'm off to find our new place, something less than the going rate of

$1,100 for 2 beds anywhere here

Phoenix

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Mike and Cheryl "

wrote:

>

> Hi Phoenix,

>

> Like the others, I can't give you an " I've been there " or " Here's

> what you do, " but I can tell you that your daughter is going to be

so

> proud of her mom, standing up for the two of you like you are. You

> are teaching her how to care for and about herself by caring for

and

> about yourself. You are leaving before anything physical happens

> from either of you.

> I know what you mean about a yelling person setting off the worst

in

> you. I had a parent in my classroom who came in after school and

> started YELLING at her 6 year old son. Absolutely screaming. I

felt

> so sorry for that little life, the boy who had driven me crazy all

> week, and never called the mom about his behavior again. I didn't

> want the crazy screaming woman anywhere near me, and I didn't want

> abuse of any kind in my classroom.

> Even if your daughter doesn't fully grasp your reasons for leaving

> right now, one day she will. And if she comes across a guy who is

OK

> but yells, she'll have the strength and experience to know she can

> leave.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm in a similar boat though also quite vastly different. I mean to

say my husband has been yelling more lately and even cursing at me

this past year and he hasn't done that since the second year of our

marriage when I told him I'll divorce him in heartbeat if he settles

for that kind of behavior out of himself as he's not a man in my eyes

when he does that. But I will also say this past year some of my own

fleas have come out more and I've had a lot of resentments towards

him and pushed him away b/c I don't like how he handled our

relationship when we were right in the middle of it all w/all the

deathes in our lives last year. He pretty much left me holding the

bag and I've already had it out w/him on that a few times since

January. But these last couple of episodes where he gets so mad where

he yells and stuff have really been nasty. I yell back though I

insist on taking it away from the kids (he doesn't even seem to

notice- all that matters is his anger expression), but really I told

him I wanted a divorce and that I wasn't afraid to leave but more

afraid of living w/myself if I settled for this absurdity of a

marriage. He does apologize unlike what you said about your

boyfriend, but that doesn't make it any better. It just makes the

hate grow deeper b/c he knows right from wrong and doesn't choose to

control himself when he's super angry. He's never hit me like you

said Phoenix, but who gives a rat's a$$ about that apple hanging on

the tree? Oh well. In the words of Rock " You aint suppose to go

to jail. " when responding to someone bragging about never having gone

to the big house. " He aint suppose to hit me! And he's not suppose to

yell and curse at me either and vice-versa. "

He did heed my warnings this year though and he's started counseling

and I would never use some of the adjectives you've used to describe

your live in boyfriend/fiance? I don't think he's terribly selfish

and I think he's a really good person overall. I just think he's got

some serious anger issues that have very little to do w/me that come

from his childhood and being abused that he's never dealt with or

wanted to deal with. Now that my family has a lid on that pot, we're

really getting to some more nitty gritty of how we ended up together-

anger issues but also a deep love and committment to grow together

and a good friendship though I've told him several times this past

year he's not remotely my friend and that I wouldn't choose to marry

him again w/this kind of crap he throws at me. And yet I'd say I'm no

angel either. I definitely gave him some fair share of crap that

first couple of years of our marriage from MY fleas of dealing w/a

borderline parent over my lifetime. His parents aren't bps, but they

are messed up. Who knows. Maybe his mom is. I don't think so, but he

calls her Marie Barone and she's most assuredly a bp. Maybe I don't

want to see it, huh? Maybe dealing w/my whacko bp mother is hard

enough I'd like to pretend my mother in law is just simply some kind

of neurotic vs a bp.

He started therapy on Thursday night which I was really surprised and

glad to see him do on his own (though I told him a couple of times he

needed it and he's agreed he's needed it. I just figure I'd have to

move out first or something. Sounds cold, but really. He drags his

feet on this kind of stuff- more of the youngest child in denial

thing- and maybe its also a guy thing as I don't always hear of men

going to therapy alone as much as women. No idea). It was actually

great in my opinion some of the incredible information from just one

session he got. We've talked a good deal about things, but I think

now I see some of the fleas he has as his therapist pointed out that

he was really bullied by his older siblings who'd gang up on him and

his parents didn't protect him and he's got serious rage issues

underneath when he's triggered. He's always seemed to adore his

siblings and so its just kind of weird---kind of like the KO that

seems to love their mother and then one day realizes the cost of

doing business is EVERYTHING. He said sometimes when he does snap its

b/c he sees me like his siblings and he's sees himself as this

helpless kid instead of this grown man that's actually bigger than

me. I honestly had no idea that's what is going through his head when

he snaps...not that I cared to figure it out either.That was like

sooo HUGE for me to hear and for him to realize. It was good that he

did realize it b/c then he got to hear how it seemed like he's now

the bully with me and that like my fleas w/nada that we've had to

deal w/in our marriage such as me trying to realize he's not trying

to destroy me when we fight unlike w/nada, he's having to take

ownership of his fleas and their subsequent behavior in realizing I'm

not trying to bully him when I'm being too bossy or pushy (which I

can be as I deal w/children all day every day and the communication

methods are very different than w/adults---you do have to basically

tell them point blank what to do b/c if you're ambiguous they get

bratty and feel a deep sense of insecurity as you're not the

adult/parent, but they're running the house. I believe in discipline,

but dh didn't know there's a huge difference between discipline and

punishment- a world of difference. Good discipline typically means

rare punishment w/kids in my experience and we do have good kids).

But even w/some of the resentment issues I've had over the past year

with him, I wouldn't say I was bullying him, but rather he's got

serious unresolved issues from childhood that I get...I understand

what that means and the crap involved w/opening that Pandora's box.

Anyway, it is a pain and if I were in your situation and had a

daughter and wasn't married to her dad and he could give a crap less

about taking ownership of his behavior, I'd totally walk. I've been

on that verge this year and I think it's hit home how important it is

now for dh to deal w/his anger issues. But like I said, I'm no saint.

I had a lot of anger issues too at the beginning of this marriage and

I'd say more of them have been set off in the past year w/how he's

treated me and so I definitely fight back and yell back and have been

dead serious about divorce though I wouldn't really wish that on

anyone. Its freaking hell to go through from what I've heard and my

dh's parents have been married almost 45 years and so he really never

considered it an option. But neither of us are the types to settle

w/our families of origin or w/where we are in life--- both of us do

want to keep getting better and building upon the ashes of the past.

I just don't think dh was willing to admit to himself that his

parents failed him until he was about to see the loss of his marriage

and kids and really, I think he's a better man than his father in

that regard. He really does love his kids and me and I feel the same

about him, but if there were no hope, no change, no change behind us

and other issues we've tackled that were equally as difficult, I'd be

out in a flash. I'm actually quite proud of him for calling the

insurance on his own and finding a T that would meet him after hours

and set the appt and all that jazz on his own. With couples therapy

we went to, I did all of that and I drew my line in the sand on this

situation that I wasn't going to do it for him. He had to do it for

himself and he has. He's quite capable of change and quite capable of

being a monster. So am I though and that's the honest truth.

I'm sorry for you and your situation, but I also know you will be

better in the long run. There's a world of difference between being

alone and being lonely. I'd rather be alone than lonely.

Best wishes to you,

Kerrie

> >

> > Hi Phoenix,

> >

> > Like the others, I can't give you an " I've been there " or " Here's

> > what you do, " but I can tell you that your daughter is going to

be

> so

> > proud of her mom, standing up for the two of you like you are.

You

> > are teaching her how to care for and about herself by caring for

> and

> > about yourself. You are leaving before anything physical happens

> > from either of you.

> > I know what you mean about a yelling person setting off the worst

> in

> > you. I had a parent in my classroom who came in after school and

> > started YELLING at her 6 year old son. Absolutely screaming. I

> felt

> > so sorry for that little life, the boy who had driven me crazy

all

> > week, and never called the mom about his behavior again. I

didn't

> > want the crazy screaming woman anywhere near me, and I didn't

want

> > abuse of any kind in my classroom.

> > Even if your daughter doesn't fully grasp your reasons for

leaving

> > right now, one day she will. And if she comes across a guy who

is

> OK

> > but yells, she'll have the strength and experience to know she

can

> > leave.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I believe my 'almost' 2nd husband has BPD. Of course, I knew

nothing of the disorder at the time. I came within 2 months of

getting married, and broke off the relationship. It wasn't how he

treated me (or else I would have broken it off right at the

beginning!!!!), but it was how he treated my children. There was an

episode that made me realize that my children did not deserve to be

raised in this environment.

I did not however, have the financial constraints (no furniture,

etc) that you have describe. But, I have learned that life goes

better when you expect the best. You have to, also, work at your

best as well. But we sometimes limit our lives by thinking that we

are in a difficult situation that cannot be change. Feeling trust

for the future, when you can't predict it, is very difficult. But

if you look at your past, I believe you will see that you were able

to manage very well for yourself - and so there is no reason to

think that you can't do so in the future as well. Example - you may

not have the furniture you need now, but that does not mean that the

universe is not preparing to give you what you need - when you need

it. And even if you had to do without - how much better is that

then being in an abusive relationship?

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I understand how many people feel they aren't getting the support

or

> answers to their posts here that they would like, so I'm kinda

> hesitant to ask. But I'm going to any way, because I could use

some

> help. Especially with the weekend coming :/

>

> In a nutshell, I have decided this week to move out from my

> boyfriend's house. I have a 15 year old daughter that lives with

me

> full-time. Since I have been with him (1.5 years), he has lost his

> temper and yelled at me 4 times. The last 3 times have been in the

> last month. I will not accept it anymore. He knows it is wrong but

he

> has self-control problems. I was yelled at and brutalized as a

child.

> He knows this. He is under a lot of stress, but this is no excuse.

> NOt to me at least, you all can probably understand better than

most.

>

> That said, I'm gathering my plan and have told him. He has never

> physically harmed me and I don't believe he would. I simply have

> never been in this situation. The anxiety appears as soon as I get

in

> the car to leave work. I was shaking last night so bad I had to

take

> benadryl to calm down. Not good, but it is coping best I can. I

plan

> to move in a month (he will be gone the last half of September on

a

> hunting trip.)

>

> I have told him I will not respond to email, text message or phone

> calls. I will only speak with him face to face. He is an avoidant

> person, self-centered, childish, not a good communicator (anymore)

> and he is a money freak (he gives THINGS, not himself.) I have

about

> enough money to move to an apartment. I have no more furniture to

> speak of except the bedroom set he bought for my child last month.

I

> don't say this as a tale of woe is me, I say it because it makes

me

> afraid I won't be able to stand alone. Last time I did it was when

my

> nada took my daughter. I THINK I can do it. I won't miss him (too

> much) because the relationship has deteriorated. I'm not going to

> accept a nice house, financial comfort, and sex in exchange for

being

> treated lovingly. I have a great job, two best friends, and a

> WONDERFUL daughter I love very much and she loves and appreciates

me

> very much. We can do it...it just won't be simple.

>

> What i'm asking is just to hear your " I did it " stories,

or " here's

> what can help you hang in there until you move out " or " I have a

> suggestion you may not have thought of " or anything else that

this

> post may inspire you to write.

>

> I have been seing a relationship therapist for over a year. He

won't

> go with me or to a couples counselor. He said he would but changed

> his mind. He has a lot of issues. I have my own. I simply have

lost

> my respect, love, affection and any concern for his wellbeing. I

> deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, affection and love.

I

> give it, I want it. I do NOT want anotehr relationship. I have my

> daughter and a good life.

>

> Okay...I'll leave it at that for now, and thank you for any input

you

> can give me. I come here to find help and give it, as everyone

else

> does to the best of their ability

> Phoenix

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Phoenix.

You know, I recently left a job with a boss who has a bad temper and is often

verbally

abusive -- which he was during my last days there. While, in the moment, I am

really good

at presenting something of a veneer of calm when someone yells, inside, I am

shaking and

petrified of confrontation.

The thing that, recently in the context of leaving my job, helped me feel better

was to

think that not overcoming fear in general -- fear, in my case, of being yelled

at, of

confrontation, of having to break relationships to stand up for oneself, of

being abused

and manipulated -- is in large part what drives BPD and other personality

disorders. if I

understand correctly, they are maladaptive patterns that become more malignant

over

time.

For those of us who have stake in the idea of ending cycles of BPD, learning to

handle --

in healthy, effective and up-right ways -- abuse and rage directed at us is

crucial to

avoiding the maladaptive behaviors of our nadas and fadas. That's what helps me

--

knowing that moments of panic and fear are the moments when people allow BPD to

take

root, and then fighting the BPD weed with right thinking, therapy and whatever

forms of

healthy behavior are available. So keep fighting the good fight, Phoenix.

Best wishes for everything,

SP