Boogie-nada under my bed

[Guest guest]

I am soooo amped up tonight I had to return to this board. We have

been in close contact with Nada for a few months now and I can see

the damage it is doing to my health and well being. My nada has

always been " accidently " physically abusive to my animals all my

life. This has led to an extreme fear of allowing her to be alone

with my dogs or cats AND it has been the driving force behind my

delay in having kids. Nada likes to joke about taking my future

children or has dreams of doing so that she tells me in great

detail. Or she talks about putting my animals to sleep when she is

not recieving any attention or the animals are inconvenient. I

have grown so protective and fearful that I lay awake at night

imagining horrible scenarios. Anyway, on Christmas eve my brother

and husband left me alone with my mother and father while they went

to get take out. My mother had just acquired two canaries and

began to insist that they needed to have their toe nails cut. She

loves to pop zits, cut hair , toenails....all very badly and

painfully. She will determine a cats tooth is loose and yank it

out with a string. I digress.....so she grabs the canary. I try

to help , since this is happening no matter what and I insist on

holding it as I know I will be gentle....My father gets in on the

act....bird keeps getting loose....she is yelling at my father to

grab it.....he is yelling at her to leave the damn birds alone.....I

am yelling that they are killing it and sure enough they do. I

hold the dead bird in my hand.....I feel like screaming...like this

is some horrible nightmare just for me...my mother pouts and jabs

the dead bird repeatedly and it makes squeaking noises even though

it's really dead. I sit there for several hours of Christmas eve

activities while they all make horrible horrible jokes. My head

pounding from the delayed crying. You DO NOT cry over animals.

When I finally get to the car I burst into tears and continue to cry

for hours. THANK GOD for my smart, enlightened husband. Of all

things for her to do in front of my very eyes. The one thing that

terrorizes me most is animal abuse.....she psychotic. So now it's

midnight (tonight, January 2nd)....I'm up with a panic attack about

how I will ever get my life back or have children safely. I keep

seeing the bird struggle and die. I am imagining ...more like

having fantasies about nada's death. I haven't done that since I

was a little girl. I feel so incredibly guilty. I HATE her. She

ends every phone call with a sickening, " I Love You " and like some

robot I reply, " I love you too " but I really want to scream at the

top of my lungs " I hate you I wish you would die!!!!!!!!!!! " These

emotions make me feel so awful and immature. I'm 33! A teacher!

Supposedly normal! But....if I go no contact she will harm my Dad

who is sick with lung cancer. She has terrorized two husbands and

will take the joy out of what is left of my second fathers life. If

he dies...she will begin to threaten suicide. I am so trapped. I

feel so helpless even though I know it's an illusion it has washed

over me tonight. If I didn't come on here and get a reality check

about my power and choices I would suffer all night long. I'm still

amazed at the effect this woman has on me even today in my safe home

with all my lovely things and my wonderful husband. She killed the

bird in front of me. I keep saying this to myself because I feel

surreal and in shock still.....all because of a little pet store

bird. Life, no matter how little, hold no value to her. She is

like a two year old...no understanding of consequence or pain.