Suicide and all that Jazz

[Guest guest]

I am curious, how many of your parents with BPD have said " I should

just go kill myself " , " you'd be better off withouth me " , " you wish I

were dead - because then you could spend your inheritance early " etc

etc etc...I get this ALL the time. The only difference - my nada's

actually gone and tried suicide twice. Both times, drunk and under

the influence of alcohol. I had the nerve once, years ago, to ask

her why she did it. She said she did not mean to do it, she was

drunk and took a bottle of Tylenol if you can believe it - and

almost died. I was very young when tried the first time and do not

know all the details, only know what my father told me and that was

very little. Maybe she didn't want to die during the second attempt

but was instead crying out for help, because, she was the one who

called 911 before she went unconscious.Incidently, she did this

after I hung the phone up on her and told her never to call me

again - so you can see why I feel guilty at times, since I was the

one who pushed the BPD button for the second attempt. During this

same conversation with her, I also asked her, how do you think I

would feel if you succeeded? She did not say anything, other than to

say, she would never do it again. But, she still says all the

time " I should just die " etc, and I never know how to take it

because, she has carried through with it in the past. She hasn't had

a drink in years (no, now she just abuses methadone). What is

strange, I know she is afraid of death, because she says her life is

running out AND she is always freaking out that she has cancer or

some other life threatening disease. So if she was afraid of death,

would she want to kill herself? The truth of the matter, she is

unpredicatable with her emotions -hence BPD. I know that if she felt

empty enough, she probably would just drink her methadone and go to

sleep, end of story. Then I'd be left thinking " gee, I should have

done something... " . But what can I do? She refuses to seek help,

will not let me talk to her pain specialist who gives her the drug

(who I did call a few weeks ago but he refused to talk to me because

he needs to have her permission). I have a very strong feeling my

mother would not do anything, I feel that she would not give my

brother or I the satisfaction of an early inheritance, odd as this

may sound. My mother and her money will not part until she says so.

LOL. I can relate to many of you who deal with older parents and

money, houses, inheritance, etc., because I get this thrown in my

face all the time. Anyways, thanks for letting me rant.