Re: NC Blowup! Need advice

[Guest guest]

I think it

> is perhaps the aspect of BP I hated dealing with the most---the

> always trying to prove I was honest, and not crazy....going to great

> lengths to prove this or that...I won't miss that.

>

> Cheers to all of you in 2006! Thank you for being here!

>

> Sofia

>

I hate this too. Even now that I am nc with most of the family

(because I am nc with my nada) it still hurts that I cannot defend my

character/actions/opinions/truth of what 'was said', etc etc. But I

couldn't before going nc, so nothing changed. Just got to let go of

it each day. Being involved on here is helping.

Hang in there sofia, you are not crazy, like your dh says. The

behaviour you describe is not normal, even for someone pushed to the

edge by REAL anxieties and problems. It has been so much easier to

recognise and accept that my nada went outside what is 'normal', since

reading on here. Easier to spot how outrageous these behaviours are

when it's not 'my family'. Then accepting that these are the kind of

things she did/does, they are outrageous and she did them to me.

It has been a daily reality check at the moment for me. Hope it can be

for you too.

[Guest guest]

Hi, Sofia,

Saw both messages, thanks! Wow, I can totally understand this dynamic: Nada

trying to cause strife (where absolutely nothing bad existed) between family

members. Making accusations to put the parties on the defensive. When

confronted, she claims she did no such thing. If you express any displeasure

with her behavior, then YOU are the mentally ill family member--first, for

being angry, and second for saying things which " never happened " ... I bet tons

of people here can relate to this!

My whole childhood, I was told I was crazy every time I stepped out of my

role. So a couple of months ago, when I sent a letter to them explaining my

decision to go RC (which has evolved to NC since then), they did the same

thing. They turned it all around. I'm the crazy one. The behaviors that I

described to them--it's all in my mind.

I know that's not true, and yet a teeny tiny voice in the back of my mind

keeps asking, " It's THEM right? It's them? "

RE: " I am happy with this choice but still so conflicted about never getting

that sense of validation that I am the one telling the truth. "

Yes, that is exactly one reliable way they (ie, people with personality

disorders) have of sucking us back in over and over. We want them to understand

their mistakes. We want them to see their wrong-doing and admit to it. We keep

going back to explain it again--if only they could be made to see! If WE could

make them see, we imagine (usually incorrectly) they would feel sorry, they

would make changes, they would act like normal people. I struggle with that one

too--wanting validation--but over the years, I see just how permanent and

intractable these personality disorders are (in most cases).

RE " I think it is perhaps the aspect of BP I hated dealing with the

most---the always trying to prove I was honest, and not crazy....going to great

lengths to prove this or that...I won't miss that. "

Same here. ONE time, in all the dozens of times nada sent me to the store on

an errand, the money fell out of my pocket. I was terrified to go home without

her items and without her money. Predictably she was not only furious but

accused me of stealing the money. From then on, in her mind I was this thief.

Thereafter she used this one false incident to torment me and accuse me and

humiliate me. I certainly have had enough of d that emotional garbage! Ion't

miss it! However, again, there's this tiny piece of ourselves oftentimes, that

wishes that nada would say " I know you didn't take that money, I know you are

honest and not a thief. " And she never will. Ugh.

Congratulations on making a decision that you feel is good for your family.

Being a mother myself (and having made a similar choice), I really understand

and support what you are doing. Good luck!

Hugs and support,

Flea

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Yes, I do know what you mean and I'm looking forward to a nc 2006

also. My nada was a total basketcase on me last Friday, and just

said some unbelievable things- things like 'Would my death be the

only thing that would make you happy' or 'You only seem like you'll

be happy if I were dead.' Blah, blah- hystrionics, blah, blah.

I told dh about some of it in more detail tonite and he was so

impressed w/how much I've grown. Dh has been very affirming and

helpful in my healing process.

Other psycho nada things said were 'you're holding my grandkids

hostage' which is a lot like the thread going on nicknames. They're

not jj and kiki, no they're NADA's grandkids- not my kids. Funny

thing is that I brought up my fourth ammendment rights as a parent to

raise my kids however I see fit- with or without her in my life.

Other interesting tales from the farside- 'You're trying to destroy

my childhood!' as I asked her to be more introspective on how her

childhood affected my childhood and the abuse she doled out being

similar to what she doled out on me. Funny thing is that she's never

had a good word to say about grandfada or grandnada, but all the

sudden when you ask a BP to take responsibility for their actions and

be introspective on how they came up w/these crazy actions in the

first place, they're feircely loyal to their dysfunctional parents

and running for the 'daughter of the year award' or something. Its

whacked.

I got off the phone w/her and realized I do NOT want validation from

her w/where she's at right now. She's crazy in my opinion. Plain and

simple crazy. To have her validation or approval means I'm crazy too.

Nope. Don't want it. I have validation through my friends, my dh and

my therapist as well as other people who understand mental illness

issues. Nada's validation and approval is NOT something I want

anymore. That conversation sealed the deal for me that she needs to

stay out of my life and that only a professional can help her. And

yes, I told her that several times. So here's to nc in 2006!

Happy New Year's or at least 'Peaceful New Year's'

Kerrie

>

> Hello all---

>

> As some of you may know, I was contemplating going NC in 2006, but

> ultimately had decided to continue my current RC.....Until today.

>

> My brother's girlfriend called me this morning telling me that my

> brother was furious with her, and that my nada had said that she

and

> I made fun of her and said she was " very seventies " . Now firstly,

> my nada is not very seventies, or any other era...it is rather a

> melange of bad taste from various decades---she has no style of her

> own and copies people whenever possible. Secondly, this NEVER

> HAPPENED.

>

> I told her I would call nada to sort it out---but nada beat me to

> it. She called and asked about the baby, I responded politely and

> then asked her what she had said. She replied that she had

casually

> mentioned that we make fun of all things seventies, but not in

> reference to her. I told her this offhand comment would not make

my

> brother fly off the handle, and I proceeded to tell her that I will

> not engage in this nonsense and that I did not want my name brought

> up in her concocted stories. Well! She went nuts! Accused me of

> being mentally ill, saying that it is too bad I have not " gotten

any

> better " , and that if my baby is anything like me she will make my

> life an " infernal hell " (redundant, no?), as I made hers.

>

> She called me every name under the sun and said, " I have so much

> sadness that your head can invent these lies " in this she is

> referring to things I brought up that SHE said.

>

> Anyway, I had enough and I said, " Look, I wish you all well, truly

> from my heart I wish you all the best, but I only have peace in my

> life when you are not in it, and I am very sorry but we cannot be

in

> contact. Do not call me. Goodbye. " And I hung up.

>

> I just can't take anymore, and I was giving dh the replay and I

> said, " I know I am far from perfect... " and dh replied, " but she is

> far from NORMAL. " That was such a great eye opener---what a great

> distinction. They are so far removed from normalcy and reality

that

> they just lie and distort things---I am so glad dh and many others

> know the truth.

>

> Still, it is sad....but I have shed no tears, it is time to bury my

> FOO in the past, and move on with dh and dd into the future. I am

> happy with this choice but still so conflicted about never getting

> that sense of validation that I am the one telling the truth.

>

> I spoke to my brother's gf and she confessed to me that they had

> told her I was mentally ill and she never believed them. I think

it

> is perhaps the aspect of BP I hated dealing with the most---the

> always trying to prove I was honest, and not crazy....going to

great

> lengths to prove this or that...I won't miss that.

>

> Cheers to all of you in 2006! Thank you for being here!

>

> Sofia

>

[Guest guest]

RE:

" They're not jj and kiki, no they're NADA's grandkids- not my kids. "

With my nada too, Kerrie, YES they are HER grandchildren, never my kids.

During this whole RC/NC attempt a couple of months ago, either nada or my

stepdad said something very sinister about their " rights " to see " their

grandchildren " ...it was so upsetting, I can't even remember now which one of

them said it, or what exactly was said. The upshot was, they have RIGHTS to see

them. And I think not. So I immediately repressed it fully. HA.

Flea

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Christ.

Flea, I can't just relate. Our Mummies Dearests must be THE SAME PERSON.

Intercepting wedding invitations (sent to me), then saying that I didn't

go because I " don't agree with marriage " - supposedly she knows my

thoughts on marriage, while she doesn't even know what I think of

hers... Any of them...

Et Cetera. Ohhh those FOO funerals are so excitng. Its the only time I

see her......

> Nada trying to cause strife (where absolutely nothing bad existed)

> between family members. Making accusations to put the parties on the

> defensive. When confronted, she claims she did no such thing. If you

> express any displeasure with her behavior, then YOU are the mentally

> ill family member--first, for being angry, and second for saying

> things which " never happened " ... I bet tons of people here can relate

> to this!

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Sofia, I broke out laughing when you said you were far from perfect and your

husband

said that your nada was far from normal. My BPD mom's behavior has actually

improved a

lot since I started putting down boundaries--so sometimes the really crazy stuff

she's

done in the past seems impossible, but every time she does something nuts-o

again, I find

it very validating indeed. The more subtle stuff makes me wonder if it's just

me. The truly

wacky things that come up help me realize just who I am dealing with--and remind

me

who is, in fact, crazy.

Your nada is showing you that she's the one with the problem when she freaks out

on you

like that. You were making a very basic and simple request--not to have things

made up

about you and then used to get you in trouble with loved ones. To have her

berate you

when you even bring it up is, as you know, ridiculous.

By the way, I love what you said to her! I'm going to put that away in a safe

place just in

case I need a calm and collected way to go NC in the future. I really think

that I'm going to

have more issues with my mom down the line when my husband and I finally have

kids.

It's funny because I can already see my tollerance for her behavior diminishing.

Every time

I set a boundary and it sticks, it seems I become more impatient with all the

other

behavior. I know that I'll have to be at " zero tollerance " when kids are

involved, so I might

as well see how it goes before they ever even come into the picture. I think

knowing that I

will choose to go NC as well if my boundaries are not resected has been a really

liberating

feeling. Good for you. I'm very impressed!

Trish

>

> Hello all---

>

> As some of you may know, I was contemplating going NC in 2006, but

> ultimately had decided to continue my current RC.....Until today.

>

> My brother's girlfriend called me this morning telling me that my

> brother was furious with her, and that my nada had said that she and

> I made fun of her and said she was " very seventies " . Now firstly,

> my nada is not very seventies, or any other era...it is rather a

> melange of bad taste from various decades---she has no style of her

> own and copies people whenever possible. Secondly, this NEVER

> HAPPENED.

>

> I told her I would call nada to sort it out---but nada beat me to

> it. She called and asked about the baby, I responded politely and

> then asked her what she had said. She replied that she had casually

> mentioned that we make fun of all things seventies, but not in

> reference to her. I told her this offhand comment would not make my

> brother fly off the handle, and I proceeded to tell her that I will

> not engage in this nonsense and that I did not want my name brought

> up in her concocted stories. Well! She went nuts! Accused me of

> being mentally ill, saying that it is too bad I have not " gotten any

> better " , and that if my baby is anything like me she will make my

> life an " infernal hell " (redundant, no?), as I made hers.

>

> She called me every name under the sun and said, " I have so much

> sadness that your head can invent these lies " in this she is

> referring to things I brought up that SHE said.

>

> Anyway, I had enough and I said, " Look, I wish you all well, truly

> from my heart I wish you all the best, but I only have peace in my

> life when you are not in it, and I am very sorry but we cannot be in

> contact. Do not call me. Goodbye. " And I hung up.

>

> I just can't take anymore, and I was giving dh the replay and I

> said, " I know I am far from perfect... " and dh replied, " but she is

> far from NORMAL. " That was such a great eye opener---what a great

> distinction. They are so far removed from normalcy and reality that

> they just lie and distort things---I am so glad dh and many others

> know the truth.

>

> Still, it is sad....but I have shed no tears, it is time to bury my

> FOO in the past, and move on with dh and dd into the future. I am

> happy with this choice but still so conflicted about never getting

> that sense of validation that I am the one telling the truth.

>

> I spoke to my brother's gf and she confessed to me that they had

> told her I was mentally ill and she never believed them. I think it

> is perhaps the aspect of BP I hated dealing with the most---the

> always trying to prove I was honest, and not crazy....going to great

> lengths to prove this or that...I won't miss that.

>

> Cheers to all of you in 2006! Thank you for being here!

>

> Sofia

>

[Guest guest]

I, too, can understand and empathize with your plight in regards to your

children. My daughter is never referred to as my daughter....nope. Always " MY

granddaughter " (as nada would say.) My nada and stepfada have actually sent me a

threatening e-mail after I went nc about going to an attorney and fighting for

gp rights....yadda yadda yadda. I actually have it(and others) saved in a file

in case I have to go to court. As it turned out(I spoke to an attorney myself)

in my state, grandparents have NO rights. The court looks at the best interests

on the child, then the best interests of the parents and family unit, and THEN

the grandparents' best interests. Knowledge of the law, especially in this

situation, is a great power. And it is very reassuring at the same time.

Flea Bitten wrote: RE:

" They're not jj and kiki, no they're NADA's grandkids- not my kids. "

With my nada too, Kerrie, YES they are HER grandchildren, never my kids.

During this whole RC/NC attempt a couple of months ago, either nada or my

stepdad said something very sinister about their " rights " to see " their

grandchildren " ...it was so upsetting, I can't even remember now which one of

them said it, or what exactly was said. The upshot was, they have RIGHTS to see

them. And I think not. So I immediately repressed it fully. HA.

Flea

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Photos – Showcase holiday pictures in hardcover

Photo Books. You design it and we’ll bind it!

[Guest guest]

Hi Sofia, Trish, , Kerrie and All,

I agree with Trish. Sofia, keep up the good work. I know how jarring

that kind of encounter can be. I've thought of it as a `Close Encounter

of the Worst Kind'. It takes time to recover, but the good part is that

it takes less and less recovery time with each Nadencounter.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- tlblack2006 wrote:

> Sofia, I broke out laughing when you said you were far from perfect and

> your husband

> said that your nada was far from normal. My BPD mom's behavior has

> actually improved a

> lot since I started putting down boundaries--so sometimes the really

> crazy stuff she's

> done in the past seems impossible, but every time she does something

> nuts-o again, I find

> it very validating indeed. The more subtle stuff makes me wonder if

> it's just me. The truly

> wacky things that come up help me realize just who I am dealing

> with--and remind me

> who is, in fact, crazy.

>

> Your nada is showing you that she's the one with the problem when she

> freaks out on you

> like that. You were making a very basic and simple request--not to have

> things made up

> about you and then used to get you in trouble with loved ones. To have

> her berate you

> when you even bring it up is, as you know, ridiculous.

>

> By the way, I love what you said to her! I'm going to put that away in

> a safe place just in

> case I need a calm and collected way to go NC in the future. I really

> think that I'm going to

> have more issues with my mom down the line when my husband and I finally

> have kids.

>

> It's funny because I can already see my tollerance for her behavior

> diminishing. Every time

> I set a boundary and it sticks, it seems I become more impatient with

> all the other

> behavior. I know that I'll have to be at " zero tollerance " when kids

> are involved, so I might

> as well see how it goes before they ever even come into the picture. I

> think knowing that I

> will choose to go NC as well if my boundaries are not resected has been

> a really liberating

> feeling. Good for you. I'm very impressed!

>

> Trish

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello all---

> >

> > As some of you may know, I was contemplating going NC in 2006, but

> > ultimately had decided to continue my current RC.....Until today.

> >

> > My brother's girlfriend called me this morning telling me that my

> > brother was furious with her, and that my nada had said that she and

> > I made fun of her and said she was " very seventies " . Now firstly,

> > my nada is not very seventies, or any other era...it is rather a

> > melange of bad taste from various decades---she has no style of her

> > own and copies people whenever possible. Secondly, this NEVER

> > HAPPENED.

> >

> > I told her I would call nada to sort it out---but nada beat me to

> > it. She called and asked about the baby, I responded politely and

> > then asked her what she had said. She replied that she had casually

> > mentioned that we make fun of all things seventies, but not in

> > reference to her. I told her this offhand comment would not make my

> > brother fly off the handle, and I proceeded to tell her that I will

> > not engage in this nonsense and that I did not want my name brought

> > up in her concocted stories. Well! She went nuts! Accused me of

> > being mentally ill, saying that it is too bad I have not " gotten any

> > better " , and that if my baby is anything like me she will make my

> > life an " infernal hell " (redundant, no?), as I made hers.

> >

> > She called me every name under the sun and said, " I have so much

> > sadness that your head can invent these lies " in this she is

> > referring to things I brought up that SHE said.

> >

> > Anyway, I had enough and I said, " Look, I wish you all well, truly

> > from my heart I wish you all the best, but I only have peace in my

> > life when you are not in it, and I am very sorry but we cannot be in

> > contact. Do not call me. Goodbye. " And I hung up.

> >

> > I just can't take anymore, and I was giving dh the replay and I

> > said, " I know I am far from perfect... " and dh replied, " but she is

> > far from NORMAL. " That was such a great eye opener---what a great

> > distinction. They are so far removed from normalcy and reality that

> > they just lie and distort things---I am so glad dh and many others

> > know the truth.

> >

> > Still, it is sad....but I have shed no tears, it is time to bury my

> > FOO in the past, and move on with dh and dd into the future. I am

> > happy with this choice but still so conflicted about never getting

> > that sense of validation that I am the one telling the truth.

> >

> > I spoke to my brother's gf and she confessed to me that they had

> > told her I was mentally ill and she never believed them. I think it

> > is perhaps the aspect of BP I hated dealing with the most---the

> > always trying to prove I was honest, and not crazy....going to great

> > lengths to prove this or that...I won't miss that.

> >

> > Cheers to all of you in 2006! Thank you for being here!

> >

> > Sofia

> >

>

>

>

>

>

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