Re: my desire to lose control

[Guest guest]

I hear ya.

I've also gone the " losing it " route, where I went on a shouting spree

about the crap she did to me growing up. Don't bother. They deny it,

tell you you're making it up, say they don't remember, and that they

did the best they could. Worse, sometimes they interrupt to tell you

all about *their* awful childhood. Save your breath. It goes in one

ear and out the other.

qwerty

>

> I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my stress is

> adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on this. But my

> BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has brought me out

> of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a teen, but

> always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted to

> ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire to " just lose

> it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I hate her more

> than anything else in the world for making my life a five star, tragic

> novel.

> OH! I just want to scream in general.

>

[Guest guest]

Every time I find myself imagining conversations like this where I

actually engage them over what happened I like to remmeber the

following points from the book " Children of the Self Absorbed " :

The Destructive Narcissitic parent (which for the purpose of this

post is analogous to BP; the two disorders strongly overlap) is

closed to:

*assuming personal responsibility

*any argument that suggests the parent was wrong or is making an error

*understanding your feelings

*your anger

*any charge of unfairness

Isn't this so true?! It's probably unlikely that you haven't

expressed a negative emotion at some point in time to your nada.

It's just that every time you did, she reacted the way the book just

described: completely closed off to engaging in you about these

feelings! Well, guess what? She probably will still be closed off

to you when you lose control.

That's not to say that these feelings aren't valid; it's just to say

that perhaps there is a part of you (just like me) who is really

envisioning this melt down so she can finally face what she has done

to you. But the deep irony is that she will NEVER be able to face

what she has done to you.

One strategy I use is to have pretend conversations with an ideal

mother (see my post on THE FEELING BETTER EXERCISE). I rage against

her in my head (or if you're alone you can say your feelings out

loud) and let her know exactly how I feel based on the letter

format. Then I pretend my mother responds exactly how an ideal

mother would respond based on what she has really done to me. It's

been pretty healing and is a lot better than just storing my feelings

inside imagining what the real phone conversation might be like.

Take care!

Genevieve

P.S. I've always wanted to take up kick boxing to get my rage out!

Maybe something physical might also be an outlet for your anger. I'm

a runner, and that always serves to help me get feelings out.

-

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " qz "

wrote:

>

> I hear ya.

>

> I've also gone the " losing it " route, where I went on a shouting

spree

> about the crap she did to me growing up. Don't bother. They deny it,

> tell you you're making it up, say they don't remember, and that they

> did the best they could. Worse, sometimes they interrupt to tell you

> all about *their* awful childhood. Save your breath. It goes in one

> ear and out the other.

>

> qwerty

>

>

> >

> > I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my stress is

> > adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on this. But

my

> > BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has brought me

out

> > of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a teen, but

> > always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted to

> > ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire to " just

lose

> > it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I hate her

more

> > than anything else in the world for making my life a five star,

tragic

> > novel.

> > OH! I just want to scream in general.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

--

Does anyone else find that their mother just denies whatever

horrible things she does or pretends not to remember? My Mum sets

out to do things to wind me up, and then she either says she " can't

remember " doing it - or - she claims " not to know what I mean " when

I tell her what she did winds me up (which winds me up even more!)

I've decided to go NC with her and it's the best thing I've ever

done. And I've decided that when she wants to know why she isn't

welcome at our house at Christmas I will tell her that just as she

has the right to say she " doesn't remember " what she's done I've got

the right to say " no " to her!

jeanie

- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " genevieveheller "

wrote:

>

> Every time I find myself imagining conversations like this where I

> actually engage them over what happened I like to remmeber the

> following points from the book " Children of the Self Absorbed " :

>

> The Destructive Narcissitic parent (which for the purpose of this

> post is analogous to BP; the two disorders strongly overlap) is

> closed to:

>

> *assuming personal responsibility

>

> *any argument that suggests the parent was wrong or is making an

error

>

> *understanding your feelings

>

> *your anger

>

> *any charge of unfairness

>

>

> Isn't this so true?! It's probably unlikely that you haven't

> expressed a negative emotion at some point in time to your nada.

> It's just that every time you did, she reacted the way the book

just

> described: completely closed off to engaging in you about these

> feelings! Well, guess what? She probably will still be closed

off

> to you when you lose control.

>

> That's not to say that these feelings aren't valid; it's just to

say

> that perhaps there is a part of you (just like me) who is really

> envisioning this melt down so she can finally face what she has

done

> to you. But the deep irony is that she will NEVER be able to face

> what she has done to you.

>

> One strategy I use is to have pretend conversations with an ideal

> mother (see my post on THE FEELING BETTER EXERCISE). I rage

against

> her in my head (or if you're alone you can say your feelings out

> loud) and let her know exactly how I feel based on the letter

> format. Then I pretend my mother responds exactly how an ideal

> mother would respond based on what she has really done to me.

It's

> been pretty healing and is a lot better than just storing my

feelings

> inside imagining what the real phone conversation might be like.

>

> Take care!

> Genevieve

>

> P.S. I've always wanted to take up kick boxing to get my rage

out!

> Maybe something physical might also be an outlet for your anger.

I'm

> a runner, and that always serves to help me get feelings out.

> -

> -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " qz " <qwerty.zanderson@>

> wrote:

> >

> > I hear ya.

> >

> > I've also gone the " losing it " route, where I went on a shouting

> spree

> > about the crap she did to me growing up. Don't bother. They deny

it,

> > tell you you're making it up, say they don't remember, and that

they

> > did the best they could. Worse, sometimes they interrupt to tell

you

> > all about *their* awful childhood. Save your breath. It goes in

one

> > ear and out the other.

> >

> > qwerty

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my stress

is

> > > adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on this.

But

> my

> > > BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has brought

me

> out

> > > of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a teen,

but

> > > always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted to

> > > ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire

to " just

> lose

> > > it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I hate her

> more

> > > than anything else in the world for making my life a five

star,

> tragic

> > > novel.

> > > OH! I just want to scream in general.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely my nada did this. It drove me crazy and made me question

my memory of events and my own sanity. One way she would react, when

I could recite FACTS she couldn't deny, was to then minimize what she

did and then she'd say " oh you're so sensitive. " Either way, she

always had an out and didn't own up to her actions.

NC was the only way choice I had, after a lifetime of trying to

rationalize and relate to her as a healty person. I realized she was

the one that wasn't healthy. But I could be.

Get ready to stick to your boundaries. It's a challenge. It would

have been worse if we lived in the same state I'm sure.

Phoenix

> > > >

> > > > I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my stress

> is

> > > > adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on this.

> But

> > my

> > > > BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has

brought

> me

> > out

> > > > of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a teen,

> but

> > > > always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted to

> > > > ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire

> to " just

> > lose

> > > > it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I hate

her

> > more

> > > > than anything else in the world for making my life a five

> star,

> > tragic

> > > > novel.

> > > > OH! I just want to scream in general.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, mine did this, too. Lots of instances where I'd talk about a

fight we had or something she had done to me and she couldn't seem to

remember. " You make things up, . You've always made things up! "

Makes me mad as hell. Of course, most of the time, no one else was

around, so there was no proof. Jeez.

> > > > >

> > > > > I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my

stress

> > is

> > > > > adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on

this.

> > But

> > > my

> > > > > BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has

> brought

> > me

> > > out

> > > > > of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a

teen,

> > but

> > > > > always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted to

> > > > > ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire

> > to " just

> > > lose

> > > > > it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I hate

> her

> > > more

> > > > > than anything else in the world for making my life a five

> > star,

> > > tragic

> > > > > novel.

> > > > > OH! I just want to scream in general.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

-

Another annoying thing which drives me mad is when she says " you

dreamt that! " which denies my whole reality.

I've now got used to responding to her by abruptly telling her I

DIDN'T dream it, but for years it would give me cause to doubt my

reality.

Jeanie

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " ktelewis "

wrote:

>

> Yes, mine did this, too. Lots of instances where I'd talk about a

> fight we had or something she had done to me and she couldn't seem

to

> remember. " You make things up, . You've always made things

up! "

> Makes me mad as hell. Of course, most of the time, no one else

was

> around, so there was no proof. Jeez.

>

>

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my

> stress

> > > is

> > > > > > adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on

> this.

> > > But

> > > > my

> > > > > > BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has

> > brought

> > > me

> > > > out

> > > > > > of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a

> teen,

> > > but

> > > > > > always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted

to

> > > > > > ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire

> > > to " just

> > > > lose

> > > > > > it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I

hate

> > her

> > > > more

> > > > > > than anything else in the world for making my life a

five

> > > star,

> > > > tragic

> > > > > > novel.

> > > > > > OH! I just want to scream in general.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My nada doesn't have to deny stuff, because I have been so terrified

of her rages my whole life, that I never dared bring up something

mean/neglectful/humiliating that she did to me.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my

> > stress

> > > > is

> > > > > > > adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on

> > this.

> > > > But

> > > > > my

> > > > > > > BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has

> > > brought

> > > > me

> > > > > out

> > > > > > > of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a

> > teen,

> > > > but

> > > > > > > always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted

> to

> > > > > > > ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire

> > > > to " just

> > > > > lose

> > > > > > > it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I

> hate

> > > her

> > > > > more

> > > > > > > than anything else in the world for making my life a

> five

> > > > star,

> > > > > tragic

> > > > > > > novel.

> > > > > > > OH! I just want to scream in general.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, I know what you mean. Absolutley...

Though, I was never terrified, well, unless my nada lost to her rage

and became literally " mother from hell " and broke things like a

maniac. But when I was little, until a certain time in my teens, I

would literally be dead inside, and let myself become this numb

robot to everything. I would not let myself get upset, or involved

in emotion- for reasons she could then receive the excuse to mock me

or humiliate me. That of course, had not worked, and getting into

even deeper depression because I had never acknowledged what damage

she was doing.

Because I was not realizing my anger inside, if my nada would get

angry or yell at me- I would yell back and the fight would worsen.

So if I was pissed, she would know, only if she too was bringing out

the " yelling card " .

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But

my

> > > stress

> > > > > is

> > > > > > > > adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact

on

> > > this.

> > > > > But

> > > > > > my

> > > > > > > > BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer,

has

> > > > brought

> > > > > me

> > > > > > out

> > > > > > > > of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child,

a

> > > teen,

> > > > > but

> > > > > > > > always an adult. Taking care of this messed up,

addicted

> > to

> > > > > > > > ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this

desire

> > > > > to " just

> > > > > > lose

> > > > > > > > it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her

I

> > hate

> > > > her

> > > > > > more

> > > > > > > > than anything else in the world for making my life a

> > five

> > > > > star,

> > > > > > tragic

> > > > > > > > novel.

> > > > > > > > OH! I just want to scream in general.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

-Here, here!! I had just such a moment in the shower today. I will

have to see her Saturday as it is my nieces birthday and I'm afraid

she'll throw something my way. I shudder to think of it all, but I

will never start something in front of my children.

Tracie

WTOAdultChildren1 , " xxchaoticxvampxx "

wrote:

>

> I want a vacation. A long one. I have had them. But my stress is

> adding up to my neck. Work and school has no impact on this. But my

> BPD " mother " *caugh caugh*, old guardian I prefer, has brought me out

> of my limits in childhood. I was never just a child, a teen, but

> always an adult. Taking care of this messed up, addicted to

> ciggeretts, abusive mother. And I always had this desire to " just

lose

> it " . I want to yell at her, scream at her, tell her I hate her more

> than anything else in the world for making my life a five star,

tragic

> novel.

> OH! I just want to scream in general.

>