Validating Moments

[Guest guest]

Its so funny how life kind of hands out just what is needed at that

particular time and place. Lately I've really been struggling w/the

notion of letting nada go for good. I haven't talked to her in a few

weeks, which isn't a big deal. We only talked once a month before

though I have no intention this time w/ever talking to her again-

going nc.

Anyway, I struggle with this for the same reason other KOs struggle

w/this issue. People don't seem to understand that some mothers just

aren't mothers at all.

Funny thing is that sense these past couple of years of putting down

boundaries w/nada and working on my own issues and still not being

able to resolve conflict w/her and still having her doing her crazy

stuff, I have come to the conclusion I can't afford to have her even

remotely in my life. The cost is too high for my current family and

its a price I'm unwilling to pay. But I'm not angry as much as just

sad. I think it sad for nada that she stays sick. I think its sad

that her life could be better but choses for it not to be. I think

its sad that I put up w/this crap for so long and hurt others in the

process. I'm just sad sometimes but not angry anymore.

When I've shared this w/a couple of friends lately in the light of

the last conversation w/nada and w/a rather matter-o-fact approach,

I've been surprised by the support and affirmation I've gotten in

return. One of my bestfriend's father-in-law had to go nc w/his

parents and she said he was an okay dad to her hubby, but a helluva

lot better than his parents ever were. Granted he never got therapy-

different generation. The way she spun it though was really affirming

in saying 'you know, I do know other people who've had to go that

route and its not the worst thing in the world. Just look at my

husband, whose our youngest's godfather.'

Then I talked to another friend whose mom had mental illness issues

wayback when no one ever did and she couldn't fully relate in the

same terms b/c her mom really was a gentle spirit just overwhelmed

w/life's demands. Her adopted son, however, did have to fully severe

ties w/his mother b/c she sounded so much like mine- would just rage

on him and my friend told me that her son and his therapist helped

come to the conclusion that maybe never talking to her again was the

best route for him to take. Again, affirmation that it was okay to go

nc as I shared w/my friend my mother's rage and lies but I wasn't

raging or overly dramatic, just kind of resigned and sad and prepared

to defend my actions of going nc. In the end, a defense was

unnecessary only affirmed that I am probably making the right choice.

Then today I was affirmed twice. I shared w/my one friend how much my

mom lies and how it is so threatening to me w/my current family to be

involved w/a woman so out of touch w/reality and filled w/rage and

mentally ill and my friend totally understood and said 'you know, you

got to take care of your current family. That's just the way it is.

They are the ones you need to look out for at this time in your

life.' Then she shared w/me about her husband's bestfriend who had to

cut his dad out of his life b/c of his continued abuse and she

said 'that guy (her hubby's bestfriend) is one of the greatest guys

you'd ever want to meet.' That really made me feel so much better,

like it wasn't a scarlet letter on my chest if I don't talk to my

nada anymore but rather a realistic and viable option that won't hold

me back in life and w/my current family.

Then this afternoon on Dr. she talked about certain survivors

from childhood abuse who do have to severe ties. Funny thing is I

never listen to her on the radio but I just bought her book a few

days ago, " Bad Childhood, Good Life. " And she was quoting the book

and how most people do need to get over their childhoods but also how

some can't continue to stay in touch w/their parents.

It just amazes me as these fears I had about no one understanding are

turning out to be just the opposite. I know if I left a few years ago

in anger it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be coming from the same

place of sadness but more like overly dramatic. Now I think w/so much

that has changed in me, people seem very supportive and like 'well,

you know worse things could be happening than having to let your

mother go.' And its true. I know for a fact I am a million times more

inlove w/dh and the kids than I ever have been w/the toxic addiction

I've felt for nada my whole life. And that's basically what I'm

realizing our relationship has been for a very long time- an

addiction, not really a real relationship.

This is so unbelievably validating.

Kerrie