Re: anyone's nada dress them funny?

January 15, 2006

When you mentioned that you and your nada could've

been twins in those childhood photos, it sent a shiver

through me.

When I was five, my nada had professional photos taken

of me where I was posed to match a photo of her at age

five. The hug side-by-side on our living room wall

ever after, and she was always pointing them out to

visitors.

Then when I was 10, she had my stepdad cut my hair to

match hers — in this horrendous semi-mullet style.

She was particularly obsessed with my complexion —

particularly odd because I've never had bad skin... If

she saw the tiniest blackhead, she would force me to

lie down on the couch with my head in her lap while

she picked and prodded at my face. Sometimes she would

even use tweezers or a safety pin. I would end up red

and puffy and intensely upset. In fact, that was about

the only time I would try to defy her. But, of course,

she always won.

The really sad part is that sometimes at night if I

find a blemish, out of habit I'll start picking at my

face. After all those years with her, I don't even

register pain when I do this. So I have to make a

conscious effort never to spend too much time in front

of a mirror if I'm tired or nervous or I'll wind up

red and puffy, just like back then. And I refuse to

let my life now resemble those days, even in the

slightest.

-

__________________________________________________

January 15, 2006

hey flea!

interesting that you say that...my situation was a bit different,

but comprable... my mother as a kid dressed me just as she was

dressed as a kid, and how the perfect little girl' should be dressed

(just like you, dresses, etc). then it transformed into me being

a 'mini-me' of her. my 'style' was the exact same as hers (ie we

had the same shirts, overalls, outfits, shoes, etc)...my nada has

always tried to be me, my best friend, my only confidant (as i'm

sure many have experienced), but whats funny is that until i read

what you posted, i had never really thought about clothing,

etc...its funny how much we skip over. but clothing was just a

simple example of how much our nadas like to control us, our image,

and therefor their image as well...intersting topic...thanks for

bringing it up!!

best to ya and everyone here,

and thanks, alyssa

>

> Hello, KOs,

>

> Just wondering if anyone else's nada had " clothing issues " ...

Seems to me that this mental illness pollutes every aspect of our

lives, even something as (seemingly) neutral as clothing choices.

>

> For years, I thought nada was just clueless about clothes or had

a blind spot re dressing me appropriately, but now looking back, I

realize that she was always dressed nicely/appropriately/in fashion.

So it wasn't just cluelessness...

>

> When I was a kid, I never had " normal " clothes, shoes, or

hairstyle. For instance, the mid-seventies: The girls at my school

all wore jeans and t-shirts or other casual tops or sweaters. And

casual shoes. Most girls wore their hair down (just long and

straight) although a few had shorter hair or had a ponytail. Like

all kids' fashions, there was a lot of conformity--it was

practically a uniform.

>

> My nada, on the other hand, made me wear dresses. Fancy little

dresses with sashes and lace and stuff. And, she had no money, so I

would have two dresses. I remember one year I had a green one and a

red one and I wore the wretched things, alternately, every freaking

day. I stood out like some crazy sore red (or green) thumb. And

little ankle socks and dress shoes. Then my hair--omg the hair. I

had to have it in two braids every day. I looked like no other

child in the school.

>

> Until I was an adult, I never fathomed why she would dress me

this way. Even though I was just a kid, (the year of the red and

green dresses I was in third grade), I did not appreciate looking

like some freak every day. I remember being in the store shopping

for clothes that fall and begging her not to buy those dresses. I

begged her for some jeans and casual tops and sneakers so I would

look like the other kids. (No dice. She said something about..

other people can dress their girls in a low-class and vulgar way,

but she wasn't about to. Or some nonsense. She has this snobbish

streak that I thought was weird in a welfare mother ;-) And I also

would beg her not to make me wear those stupid STUPID braids.

>

> WELL. Later on in my life, I saw pictures of HER at roughly the

same age (in the mid-fifties--she had me as a teenager) and guess

what? She was dressing me like, what a kid would have worn two

decades before--she was dressing me up like HER, including the

hair. In fact, we look so much alike that we looked almost like

twins...Is that freaky or what?

>

> As an aside, I remember my babysitter (a teenager who lived in

the apartment one floor up) asking (more politely than I'm saying

here) why I dressed like such a freak, why I didn't wear jeans like

the other kids. I told her my mother wouldn't buy me jeans. She was

appalled (so you can tell, I must have looked bizarre).

>

> Her mother actually talked to mine and told her a kid should

have a pair of jeans. In response to this, my mother bought me the

most hideous, unstylish, embarrassing pair of jeans money could

buy. Instead of regular dark-blue denim like all the kids wore,

these were some freaky powder blue and white stripe things....At

the time I thought she was just unbearably stupid. Now I think she

did it to be hostile.

>

> Anyway... I could regale you with stories of being dressed like

a freak all night. BUT I'd like to hear your stories.

>

> Flea

>

> ---------------------------------

> Yahoo! Photos – Showcase holiday pictures in hardcover

> Photo Books. You design it and we'll bind it!

>

January 15, 2006

Hello Flea.

Well, once again, 2 and 2 is adding up for me...and it is making more than

four!

When I was a kid, after my parents' divorce, I was constantly taken to garage

sales and church clothing rooms for my school wardrobe. Even shoes came from

these places. All of the clothes that I wore were so hideously out of style that

I was embarassed to even walk through the front door of school, because I was

terrified of being made fun of. It wasn't like we couldn't afford decent

clothing....my bio father was sending over $700 a month for the two of us kids.

Which, over a decade ago, was a good chunk of change for living in the midwest.

My nada and stepfada both worked full time, and made decent wages. We did not

drive luxury vehicles, and generally lived in rental houses. There was no reason

I could not have at least gotten clothing from Wal-Mart. The only time I got any

decent clothes was at Christmas, and then those clothes were reserved for

special occasions. I was not allowed to have my hair cut in a fashionable

manner, unless I paid for it somehow. My means of buying my

own items was often removed from me because nada and stepfada would have to

" borrow " my birthday or Christmas monies. Same for my brother.

In 3rd grade, I had a mishap with a horse. My hair was the same shade as

straw, and it got mixed up in a feed trough that a mare was busily munching out

of. I had bent down to pet a dog, and the mre ate a chunk of my hair. Instead of

taking me to a professional to get my hair cut and styled to disguise the bare

spot, nada insisted on doing it herself. My hair was very pretty. It was long,

reaching the middle of my back. It was the longest it had ever been allowed to

grow. By the time nada was done, my hair was cropped as short as a boy's, bald

spot CLEARLY visible, and only looked half decent if it was feathered. I was

mortified. I looked like I had been rejected by the Z-boys. But she was

incredibly satisified with the result.

I can remember being in 6th grade, begging my nada to let me get a spiral

perm. It was the " in " thing, and I thought the look was gorgeous on my

classmates. At this time, I was striving SO hard to fit in, that I wanted to do

anything that would make me feel less trashy. My nada consented, and dropped me

off at her normal beauty salon(which, strangely, was right next to Planned

Parenthood.....story about that later!) She returned after they took the rods

out, and nearly cried as we walked out the door. Her words when we got home will

echo in my head forever... " You look like a little slut. (to my stepfada)Doesn't

she look like a slut!?!? " The woman was frantic. She called the salon almost

immediately, and I had to go THE NEXT DAY and get it redone to HER

specifications. I cried when I looked in the mirror. I had the most gawd-awful

poodle perm. I looked like a little girl masquerading as an old lady. Sure

enough, the next day, I was teased mercilessly at school. I went home and

washed my hair, trying desperately to get the perm to go away. All I wound up

with was frizz, while my nada looked on with a smug look on her face. I could

not have the " big bangs " like other girls did, either. If my bangs were curled

or sprayed, I " looked like a slut. "

That same year, my biodad showed up prior to Christmas. he and my

stepmother took my brother and I shopping. My stepmother insisted on taking me

to fashionable stores and buying clothing and shoes for me, as well as soem

pretty jewelry. She got me a beautiful rope bracelet, as well as a gold bangle

that had a pretty floral design etched on it. I actually felt like Cinderella.

Of course, my nada was disgusted, and would rant about my dad and stepmom just

trying to " buy " my brother and I's love. I bought into it for most of my

life...until now. I think they actually knew what was going on, and were trying

to give us some taste of what normal life was like.

So, I guess that my nada did dress me funny. I will never really understand

just why she behaved like this, but the fact is that she did. All I can do now

is make sure that I work on freeing myself from the things I endured in

childhood.

---------------------------------

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January 15, 2006

Hi Fle,

Boy, does this bring up a lot of memories for me, too!

My nada did the same thing. I think that she saw me as some kind of

doll or plaything. To this day, how a person looks is the most

important thing to nada.

She would also make me wear dresses to school, when everyone else was

wearing jeans. Once in English class, all the students, who were

wearing jeans, huddled and sat on the classroom floor. I was wearing

a pretty knit dress and nice shoes, so I would not dare dirty myself

by sitting on the floor. I was the only " princess " in the classroom

in a dress.

Also, my grandmother (nada's mother) was a seamstress and made me

beautiful dresses. But, what I really do remember, and have been

thinking about all this week (before reading your post - we must all

be telepathic)...is that I realized that if it were not for my

grandmother and my godmother (great aunt), I would most likely, not be

dressed at all. My nada never actaully " bought " me the dresses.....my

godmother would take me clothes shopping at a nice dept. store every

saturday and buy me a beautiful outfit to wear. Nada never ever

bought me clothing!

My nada only cared about how I looked in the clothing. And I never

looked good enough.

Ahhhhh.....so many memories from the land of Oz!

-Lula

>

> Hello, KOs,

>

> Just wondering if anyone else's nada had " clothing issues " ...

Seems to me that this mental illness pollutes every aspect of our

lives, even something as (seemingly) neutral as clothing choices.

>

> For years, I thought nada was just clueless about clothes or had a

blind spot re dressing me appropriately, but now looking back, I

realize that she was always dressed nicely/appropriately/in fashion.

So it wasn't just cluelessness...

>

> When I was a kid, I never had " normal " clothes, shoes, or

hairstyle. For instance, the mid-seventies: The girls at my school

all wore jeans and t-shirts or other casual tops or sweaters. And

casual shoes. Most girls wore their hair down (just long and

straight) although a few had shorter hair or had a ponytail. Like all

kids' fashions, there was a lot of conformity--it was practically a

uniform.

>

> My nada, on the other hand, made me wear dresses. Fancy little

dresses with sashes and lace and stuff. And, she had no money, so I

would have two dresses. I remember one year I had a green one and a

red one and I wore the wretched things, alternately, every freaking

day. I stood out like some crazy sore red (or green) thumb. And

little ankle socks and dress shoes. Then my hair--omg the hair. I had

to have it in two braids every day. I looked like no other child in

the school.

>

> Until I was an adult, I never fathomed why she would dress me this

way. Even though I was just a kid, (the year of the red and green

dresses I was in third grade), I did not appreciate looking like some

freak every day. I remember being in the store shopping for clothes

that fall and begging her not to buy those dresses. I begged her for

some jeans and casual tops and sneakers so I would look like the

other kids. (No dice. She said something about.. other people can

dress their girls in a low-class and vulgar way, but she wasn't about

to. Or some nonsense. She has this snobbish streak that I thought was

weird in a welfare mother ;-) And I also would beg her not to make

me wear those stupid STUPID braids.

>

> WELL. Later on in my life, I saw pictures of HER at roughly the

same age (in the mid-fifties--she had me as a teenager) and guess

what? She was dressing me like, what a kid would have worn two

decades before--she was dressing me up like HER, including the hair.

In fact, we look so much alike that we looked almost like twins...Is

that freaky or what?

>

> As an aside, I remember my babysitter (a teenager who lived in the

apartment one floor up) asking (more politely than I'm saying here)

why I dressed like such a freak, why I didn't wear jeans like the

other kids. I told her my mother wouldn't buy me jeans. She was

appalled (so you can tell, I must have looked bizarre).

>

> Her mother actually talked to mine and told her a kid should have

a pair of jeans. In response to this, my mother bought me the most

hideous, unstylish, embarrassing pair of jeans money could buy.

Instead of regular dark-blue denim like all the kids wore, these were

some freaky powder blue and white stripe things....At the time I

thought she was just unbearably stupid. Now I think she did it to be

hostile.

>

> Anyway... I could regale you with stories of being dressed like a

freak all night. BUT I'd like to hear your stories.

>

> Flea

>

> ---------------------------------

> Yahoo! Photos – Showcase holiday pictures in hardcover

> Photo Books. You design it and we'll bind it!

>

January 16, 2006

My nada loves floral print fabric-the bigger and brighter the better! Needless

to say I don't most of the time. Even now I think twice before I buy floral

print clothing for myself. I also have a hard time buying new clothes before my

current ones wear to the threads- a biproduct of nada's thoughts on wasting

resources. I literally wear my jeans until they have holes in the upper-leg

area. Nada also made me wear my grandma's (her mom's) clothes until I

" accidentally " ruined them. Then I wasn't worthy of such nice clothing and she

took the rest away. Oh darn!! When my teen years came we had all out yelling

matches in the early morning about how I was to dress. A couple of time she

became so angry she beat me about the head and shoulders. My dad helped me here

though, he would say I looked nice in front of her and it usually pre-empted the

fighting. Thanks dad!

Adria

Flea Bitten wrote:

Hello, KOs,

Just wondering if anyone else's nada had " clothing issues " ... Seems to me

that this mental illness pollutes every aspect of our lives, even something as

(seemingly) neutral as clothing choices.

For years, I thought nada was just clueless about clothes or had a blind spot

re dressing me appropriately, but now looking back, I realize that she was

always dressed nicely/appropriately/in fashion. So it wasn't just

cluelessness...

When I was a kid, I never had " normal " clothes, shoes, or hairstyle. For

instance, the mid-seventies: The girls at my school all wore jeans and t-shirts

or other casual tops or sweaters. And casual shoes. Most girls wore their hair

down (just long and straight) although a few had shorter hair or had a

ponytail. Like all kids' fashions, there was a lot of conformity--it was

practically a uniform.

My nada, on the other hand, made me wear dresses. Fancy little dresses with

sashes and lace and stuff. And, she had no money, so I would have two dresses.

I remember one year I had a green one and a red one and I wore the wretched

things, alternately, every freaking day. I stood out like some crazy sore red

(or green) thumb. And little ankle socks and dress shoes. Then my hair--omg the

hair. I had to have it in two braids every day. I looked like no other child in

the school.

Until I was an adult, I never fathomed why she would dress me this way. Even

though I was just a kid, (the year of the red and green dresses I was in third

grade), I did not appreciate looking like some freak every day. I remember

being in the store shopping for clothes that fall and begging her not to buy

those dresses. I begged her for some jeans and casual tops and sneakers so I

would look like the other kids. (No dice. She said something about.. other

people can dress their girls in a low-class and vulgar way, but she wasn't

about to. Or some nonsense. She has this snobbish streak that I thought was

weird in a welfare mother ;-) And I also would beg her not to make me wear

those stupid STUPID braids.

WELL. Later on in my life, I saw pictures of HER at roughly the same age (in

the mid-fifties--she had me as a teenager) and guess what? She was dressing me

like, what a kid would have worn two decades before--she was dressing me up

like HER, including the hair. In fact, we look so much alike that we looked

almost like twins...Is that freaky or what?

As an aside, I remember my babysitter (a teenager who lived in the apartment

one floor up) asking (more politely than I'm saying here) why I dressed like

such a freak, why I didn't wear jeans like the other kids. I told her my mother

wouldn't buy me jeans. She was appalled (so you can tell, I must have looked

bizarre).

Her mother actually talked to mine and told her a kid should have a pair of

jeans. In response to this, my mother bought me the most hideous, unstylish,

embarrassing pair of jeans money could buy. Instead of regular dark-blue denim

like all the kids wore, these were some freaky powder blue and white stripe

things....At the time I thought she was just unbearably stupid. Now I think she

did it to be hostile.

Anyway... I could regale you with stories of being dressed like a freak all

night. BUT I'd like to hear your stories.

Flea

---------------------------------

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January 16, 2006

, Alyssa, Sofia, , Lula, Trish, Non-BP Man, and Adria

Thanks for sharing your stories of " bring dressed funny by nada " ! As usual,

it is a strange mixture of sadness that other people experienced something

similar, and relief that other people understand it and know that it was real.

, The twin-photo thing! That's like my nada, only souped up and in

overdrive! I guess it kind of illustrates, in an oddly concrete way, just how

much they see us as extensions of themselves. (Literally. If cloning ever

becomes a ...standard procedure, we can guess who might enjoy being cloned...)

That's gets at the great point Alyssa made about them using it as yet another

means of control and of projecting a certain image (which is meant to be their

image, not ours). Shudder. One of the worst things IMO is not to let a child

have preferences or wishes of his or her own!

Interesting how Alyssa's and Sofia's stories are so similar--being dressed

like the perfect little girl at a young age, then having to morph into Nada

Junior a little later on. (Although being dressed as the perfect little

European girl adds its own special twist--loved the wool-tights story, although

I'm sure it was horrible to live thru! Tights for birthday gifts, oh dear!)

I went to boarding school at 13, so nada never had much chance to " dress me "

as a mini adult. However, what she DID do when she had to send me to this fancy

school with a strict dress code would be another long post in itself.

Briefly, I lucked out and was offered a chance to be a scholarship student /

" token poor child " at one of the fanciest boarding schools in the US. Nada was

feeling abandoned I think, because I couldn't wait to get out the door. None of

my clothes met their dress code, so she decided to MAKE the entire wardrobe to

bring to school. She made ALL from the same pattern--ie, all the pants looked

alike, all the tops were this horrible, ugly (easy to make) tunic top with no

shape--extremely unstylish, all with hideously gaudy " sale " fabrics). It was

basically one extremely ugly outfit, in a variety of shocking prints. I was SO

humiliated to go off to school (among the rich and famous, all of whom had

lovely clothes of course) dressed like an impoverished clown with bad taste.

But nothing, NOTHING could have induced me not to go--it was my big chance to

escape nada's house.

But I digress!--and I'm getting all riled up again! I'll know I'm doing better

emotionally when I can look back on something like that and not get very angry

all over again.

Non-BP Man-- therefore I can really understand that you also still have some

negative feelings left! The hair, the unfashionable clothes, the unusual

shoes...it all seems so cruel, and I agree it is a cruel and

identity-distorting behavior. If we can't have wishes of our own (not to

mention if we can't be treated with some respect and dignity) then how can we

be a separate person from nada? If the kids at school ostracize us, who does

that leave us with? NADA!

I felt at the time that Nada sending me to boarding school with those

outrageously hideous clothes was like a challenge. " Does she have the guts to

leave this house and wear those clothes in public for a whole year? " I think

she thought if I was dressed too ugly, I would either be too ashamed to wear

those clothes (ad not leave her), or be so ostracized that I came home to her.

, your story about the garage-sale clothes (even with dad sending

plenty of child support) and the home-made haircut are also both very familiar

and sad! Just like my nada vascillated between Twinkies one year and health

food the next, she went back and forth a few times between frilly dresses and

the ugliest hand-me-downs. :/ When you said, you are sure she could have at

least afforded clothing from Wal-Mart--that's *exactly* what I said to her more

than once: nothing fancy, just some jeans and tops from Wal-Mart please!. When

she was in the fancy department store phase, Nada scoffed and said she wouldn't

be caught dead in Wal-Mart. When she was in the ugly hand-me-down phase, she

said " You think I'm made of money? "

She was particularly humiliating when I was 12 and absolutely NEEEEDED a bra.

First she was angry and said all I ever thought of was myself. Then she burst

into hysterical tears and said we couldn't afford it, and (again) all I ever

thought of was myself. Her favorite line whilst crying was , " Why are you doing

this to me? " ...I dunno mom, I grew breasts just to spite ya.

Lula, Another perfect little girl in beautiful dresses when the kids were

wearing jeans. What IS it with them and dresses?!?

Trish, And another!!!! This is a creepy trend. And the prom dress story is so

odd too! From pouffy to trashy--and no room for anything in between. It's like,

they go to extremes--and don't care WHICH extremes--in order to humiliate us or

provoke a fight.

Adria--Hideous floral prints! My nada liked those hideous bright things for

me. And I always liked basic black! ;-)

Well, KO friends, thanks again for sharing your stories! Just chalk up Another

Weird Thing They Do.

Flea

---------------------------------

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January 17, 2006

Hello Flea.

It sometimes amazes and shocks me that so many people have had so many

experiences similar to mine. Something in your post kind of hit me...

you wrote:She was particularly humiliating when I was 12 and absolutely

NEEEEDED a bra. First she was angry and said all I ever thought of was myself.

Then she burst into hysterical tears and said we couldn't afford it, and

(again) all I ever thought of was myself. Her favorite line whilst crying was

, " Why are you doing this to me? " ...I dunno mom, I grew breasts just to spite

ya.

Wow. Mine was kind of the opposite. She was so focused on negative sexuality

that she insisted on buying me a bra when I was 10...a fourth grader! I didn't

really need one, but she made me wear one. It was incredibly embarassing. I

cannot even describe how humiliating it was to be in class and have the other

girls snickering about me and the boys constantly trying to snap my brastraps.

Add that into the idea that I was fat(I was CONSTANTLY informed that I needed to

diet, didn't need seconds of anything, forced to do calisthenics by stepfada

until my muscles cramped and I couldn't move) and the way I was dressed

normally, and you have a not so pretty picture. I wonder...what is the deal with

nadas' need to go to the very ends of the spectrum in the manner in which they

treat their children?

---------------------------------

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January 17, 2006

,

Yes, over and over and over again on this list, I have seen two really

interesting things:

First is, someone will post something (like being dressed funny). And

you will see, YES, tons of KOs experienced the same thing--being

dressed funny!

Second is, sometimes the MEANS the nadas use to do it (dress you

funny) is exactly the opposite. Like your bra story versus mine.

But the common thread is, all our nadas treated us wildly

inappropriately--either by you being forced to wear a bra when you

didn't need it (and making you an object of ridicule); or by me not

being allowed a bra when I desperately needed one (and making me an

object of ridicule).

A girl at that age wants to spend less and less time at home with her

mother, and more time with her friends. Nadas hate " abandonment. "

Making us objects of ridicule tends to keep us closer to home longer.

More dependent on them. Less likely to " leave " them. It also is oneway

they can punish us for growing up. That's one take on it anyway...

Flea

January 17, 2006

Flea,

I believe that your " take " that " A [child] at that age wants to spend less

and less time at home with [their] mother, and more time with her friends.

Nadas hate " abandonment. " Making us objects of ridicule tends to keep us

closer to home longer. More dependent on them. Less likely to " leave "

them. It also is one way they can punish us for growing up " , is RIGHT ON.

My nada also had me wear BPD older brudda's hand-me-downs, apparently

until they wore out -- that's when the polyester parade blossomed.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- fleabitten_ko wrote:

> ,

> Yes, over and over and over again on this list, I have seen two really

> interesting things:

>

> First is, someone will post something (like being dressed funny). And

> you will see, YES, tons of KOs experienced the same thing--being

> dressed funny!

>

> Second is, sometimes the MEANS the nadas use to do it (dress you

> funny) is exactly the opposite. Like your bra story versus mine.

>

> But the common thread is, all our nadas treated us wildly

> inappropriately--either by you being forced to wear a bra when you

> didn't need it (and making you an object of ridicule); or by me not

> being allowed a bra when I desperately needed one (and making me an

> object of ridicule).

>

> A girl at that age wants to spend less and less time at home with her

> mother, and more time with her friends. Nadas hate " abandonment. "

> Making us objects of ridicule tends to keep us closer to home longer.

> More dependent on them. Less likely to " leave " them. It also is oneway

> they can punish us for growing up. That's one take on it anyway...

>

> Flea

>

__________________________________________________

January 17, 2006

A flashbulb just went off when I read- they punish us for growing up b/c we

want to hang with friends and not spend time with them- nadas HATE

abandonment.

I am still learning and starting to realize my childhood and my nada and

dishrag's behavior were a little out there. They were super

overprotective. But I just realized something.

When I was 4 I was dying to go to school. I knew about pre-school b/c my

two neighbors went and I could not wait. Nada wouldn't let me go. I started

K at age 4 and got pneumonia that fall. I had to go to the hospital for a

few weeks. I had asthma, I was allergic to mold. But she refused to let me

a.) take the mediation (including inhaler) and b.) to rectify our housing

situation (we could have moved in with her own family or back to the city-

somewhere that was not an old house she ws RENTING for $500 a month on a

lake two hours from the city and um yes, one solid hour from a REAL

hospital). I recall knowing I could go and live with anyone else (one of

her nine siblings, one of my dad's six siblings-either set of

grandparents). I knew I wanted a.) medicine, b.) to live near the hospital

and c.) TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

I will never forget getting out the hospital and being told I was too sick

to go. I was heartbroken. I would get up every morning, get dressed, make

my lunch and watch when the bus pulled up. I know in my heart she wouldn't

let me go b/c of abandonment. She didn't have the same hold on my baby

brother (3 years younger and a terror- he wouldn't put up with her adn would

just ignore her). The baby was on the way shortly (in time for me to

actually start K the next year of course). Naturally when he came he was so

cuddly and loved her so so much and blah blah. Clearly the favorite. But

hey she needed love.

Anyhow, the bottom line is I was mature enough and brave enough to always

venture out on my own to escape her house, but she would never ever let me.

As I grew up the isolation continued. I wasn't allowed to go to friend's

houses, I couldn't go to sleepovers, I couldn't go to houses if she didn't

know the parents, she had time limits. I now realize this was all b/c of

fear of abandonment. The more I was an outcast or was flat out not allowed

to do things, the more I had to be with her. On wkds we had to clean the

house on Saturday morning. I remember figuring that if I did all my chores

Thursday night (meaning coming home from school, doing hw and then doing

four hours of cleaning) I would get out of Sat. morning " lock in " . That

rarely worked. On Sat. morning- she would just assign me some of my

brother's tasks or tell me to clean the cars or something ridiculous for a

child to have to do. More times than not the family cleaning saga resulted

in me staying in all day and possibly all wkd- b/c I would anger her (not

doing it right, having to do my brother's jobs or better she would rage).

Something would set her off and you were just done.

The best part is her " overprotective " parenting continued my whole life. In

high school- I was the one who wsn't allowed to go to graduation parties, or

they would show up and collect me after an hour. They grounded me when I

was in COLLEGE. I came home for Easter, stayed out until midnight (a curfew

of 11 in place) and they grounded me for the whole week. Um, what?

The bottom line is I just realized her strict rules and parenting had

nothing to do with my behavior (which was extremely perfect all the time)-

it had everything to do with her fearing the loss of me.

I think that is why right now I struggle with who I have become. I am a bit

of a perfectionist. I am always trying to do things quickly, efficiently,

neatly and most of all ahead of schedule. Partly b/c she was such a

shitshow, but moreso b/c that is how I thought I could prove to her I was

perfect and responsible. Now I am 28 years old, I live 2,000 miles away and

I am like- hey mom look what I can do! She is like I don't care I still

hate you for x reason.

No contact is great b/c hopefully for the first time in my life I can

BREATHE. I can do these great things and give myself a pat on the back.

>

> Flea,

>

> I believe that your " take " that " A [child] at that age wants to spend less

> and less time at home with [their] mother, and more time with her friends.

> Nadas hate " abandonment. " Making us objects of ridicule tends to keep us

> closer to home longer. More dependent on them. Less likely to " leave "

> them. It also is one way they can punish us for growing up " , is RIGHT ON.

>

> My nada also had me wear BPD older brudda's hand-me-downs, apparently

> until they wore out -- that's when the polyester parade blossomed.

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

> --- fleabitten_ko wrote:

>

> > ,

> > Yes, over and over and over again on this list, I have seen two really

> > interesting things:

> >

> > First is, someone will post something (like being dressed funny). And

> > you will see, YES, tons of KOs experienced the same thing--being

> > dressed funny!

> >

> > Second is, sometimes the MEANS the nadas use to do it (dress you

> > funny) is exactly the opposite. Like your bra story versus mine.

> >

> > But the common thread is, all our nadas treated us wildly

> > inappropriately--either by you being forced to wear a bra when you

> > didn't need it (and making you an object of ridicule); or by me not

> > being allowed a bra when I desperately needed one (and making me an

> > object of ridicule).

> >

> > A girl at that age wants to spend less and less time at home with her

> > mother, and more time with her friends. Nadas hate " abandonment. "

> > Making us objects of ridicule tends to keep us closer to home longer.

> > More dependent on them. Less likely to " leave " them. It also is oneway

> > they can punish us for growing up. That's one take on it anyway...

> >

> > Flea

> >

>

> __________________________________________________

>

January 17, 2006

,

You asked, “what is the deal with nadas' need to go to the very ends of

the spectrum in the manner in which they treat their children?”

I believe it’s their attempts to work out their unresolved issues through

us. It’s a common and natural impulse that PD people often do more

intensely. People like my nada do it to extremes, and to the extreme

detriment and destructiveness of their child(ren).

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- wrote:

> Hello Flea.

> It sometimes amazes and shocks me that so many people have had so

> many experiences similar to mine. Something in your post kind of hit

> me...

>

> you wrote:She was particularly humiliating when I was 12 and

> absolutely NEEEEDED a bra. First she was angry and said all I ever

> thought of was myself. Then she burst into hysterical tears and said we

> couldn't afford it, and (again) all I ever thought of was myself. Her

> favorite line whilst crying was , " Why are you doing this to me? " ...I

> dunno mom, I grew breasts just to spite ya.

>

> Wow. Mine was kind of the opposite. She was so focused on negative

> sexuality that she insisted on buying me a bra when I was 10...a fourth

> grader! I didn't really need one, but she made me wear one. It was

> incredibly embarassing. I cannot even describe how humiliating it was to

> be in class and have the other girls snickering about me and the boys

> constantly trying to snap my brastraps. Add that into the idea that I

> was fat(I was CONSTANTLY informed that I needed to diet, didn't need

> seconds of anything, forced to do calisthenics by stepfada until my

> muscles cramped and I couldn't move) and the way I was dressed normally,

> and you have a not so pretty picture. I wonder...what is the deal with

> nadas' need to go to the very ends of the spectrum in the manner in

> which they treat their children?

>

> ---------------------------------

> Yahoo! Photos

> Got holiday prints? See all the ways to get quality prints in your

> hands ASAP.

>

January 17, 2006

Dear ,

I could have written that part about my complexion. I used to fume inside

when she would sit down behind me and start popping pimples on my back.

Then during my hospitalization last year when she was visitng me she offered