Guest guest Posted August 21, 2007 Report Share Posted August 21, 2007 Thanks for your reply. Immediately after I posted I thought OMG what a horrible thing to have posted but hearing your reply really made me feel a lot better. I hope my post didn't sound like I was accusing anyone of wallowing or anything like that! phoenixsilverfire wrote: Good question. It seems to depend on the person, as everyone is different, with different experiences, and different ways of handling things in their own way. For some it may be " bad " to participate, but that's their call. For others it's a huge help. Getting angry isn't a bad thing. Neither is sorrow. It's part of the process I think. Phoenix P.S. It's good to come back here after awhile away. Not to wallow, but to keep growing through learning and sharing. Makes ME feel less alone in the process. > > First off I wanna say that I think it's wonderful that all us KOs have > a place to gather, but don't you guys sometimes feel that it's a > little unhealthy? I was talking to my therapist and she was telling me > how a person could get stuck on the victim stage. To never move out of > all the pain sounds horrible and sometimes I feel that by rehashing > things that happened to us when we where kids just to compare stories > is a little bit morbid. Obviously my views are skewed so I don't know > if what I'm saying is reasonable but sometimes I feel like we are > wallowing in self pity! Am I being really horrible or does anyone else > see this too? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2007 Report Share Posted August 21, 2007 If you check out the archives, you'll see that most people who post here post a lot for several months, and then drift off until they no longer post at all (Sylvia is an exception!). I do post a lot and read a lot, but I am NC right now, and I feel almost no self pity. What I am feeling right now is a growing sense of understanding a childhood that was fraught with many nonsensical things. I'm also better understanding my adulthood, which is still fraught with many things from my nada which I thought were merely annoying. I'm now realizing these things were more than annoying: they were zapping my energy, hurting my self-esteem, keeping me in a position where I was letting others step on my boundaries and even outright bullying me. Now that I've made the connection, I understand how to stand up to the bully, should I be unfortunate (or fortunate???) enough to run into her again. I've cut out the toxic relationships in my life. I completely understand what you are suggesting, and I have those thoughts too. I also understand that I spent my whole adult life trying to " get over " and " forget " my childhood, yet somehow not making the connection of how it was relating to my adult relationships, including the one I still had with nada. I guess I have to keep telling my stories until I don't feel the urge to tell them anymore. Thanks to this board and my therapist and my NSA work of moving stuck negative energy, and my NC with the biggest energy zapper in my life, I feel like my need to tell my stories is diminishing. I have fully accepted that my childhood is done and over with. My interest now is in leading a life that isn't led on autopilot by and angry, hurt little girl. I expect sometime in the near future, I will grow tired of these boards. -Deanna > > > > First off I wanna say that I think it's wonderful that all us KOs > have > > a place to gather, but don't you guys sometimes feel that it's a > > little unhealthy? I was talking to my therapist and she was telling > me > > how a person could get stuck on the victim stage. To never move out > of > > all the pain sounds horrible and sometimes I feel that by rehashing > > things that happened to us when we where kids just to compare stories > > is a little bit morbid. Obviously my views are skewed so I don't know > > if what I'm saying is reasonable but sometimes I feel like we are > > wallowing in self pity! Am I being really horrible or does anyone > else > > see this too? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 22, 2007 Report Share Posted August 22, 2007 It's a good question about the wallowing. But I think wallowing is just one stage in getting over it. I mean, we've been silent or misunderstood about this stuff for so long. It's great to finally be able to speak about it, and it all seems to come rushing out for people in the beginning, in a way that might seem a bit intense at first. For me, logging on has been tremendously validating, and gives me fresh insights every time. I've had a lot of " ah-ha! " moments on these boards. It fuels me. Does it make me think about the past too much? Well, no, because each time I revisit the past, I'm seeing it from a different level, from a distance. I see big patterns, rather than burn with grief over individual incidents. If I write about some way my folks really let me down, and get 8-9 similar responses, it lessens the pain, makes it more universal, moves me beyond it. I think " Oh, it wasn't me. It wasn't something I did. They are mentally ill, just like these other people's folks were mentally ill. It all falls into a pattern. " It's been incredibly liberating to say to people when they ask about my brother " Well, he's mentally ill and has been sending me threatening hate mail lately. So I had to cut off contact. I wish I could help him, but I can't " . So much better than wondering " it is me? should I tolerate his behavior because he's (start up the sacred music) FAMILY? Reading these boards has freed me and strengthened me. Letting go of the guilt has been like throwing ballast out of a ballon -- up I soared. My business, marriage, friendships, all have improved greatly (and they were pretty darn cool to begin with!) . I've picked up and dusted off some old dreams and am putting them into action. I think the trick having your sights set firmly ahead of you, and using all this to move yourself forward. Letty > > > > First off I wanna say that I think it's wonderful that all us KOs have > > a place to gather, but don't you guys sometimes feel that it's a > > little unhealthy? I was talking to my therapist and she was telling me > > how a person could get stuck on the victim stage. To never move out of > > all the pain sounds horrible and sometimes I feel that by rehashing > > things that happened to us when we where kids just to compare stories > > is a little bit morbid. Obviously my views are skewed so I don't know > > if what I'm saying is reasonable but sometimes I feel like we are > > wallowing in self pity! Am I being really horrible or does anyone else > > see this too? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 22, 2007 Report Share Posted August 22, 2007 What I keep seeing in these posts is " I'm glad I'm not the crazy one " , which is what I needed to hear growing up living with a BPD person telling me I was unstable. Once I had become no-contact and finally had some validation at age 25, then some healing began. I love reading these posts and coming here because it's nice to see that other people are concerned about being healthy, happy individuals and not cycling the anguish. If you spent just 16 years at home with a crazy parent in your life I don't know how your therapist can think that with a few sessions you'll feel recovered after all those years of suffering silently or telling people and having them not believe you. That broken record of crazy doesn't immediatley stop just because you realized it was wrong. It takes a lot of WORK to get all that out of your head! Yes, it is important not to dwell on negative feelings but do you think you are doing that or do you feel some release after reading/posting on this site? > > > > > > First off I wanna say that I think it's wonderful that all us KOs > have > > > a place to gather, but don't you guys sometimes feel that it's a > > > little unhealthy? I was talking to my therapist and she was > telling me > > > how a person could get stuck on the victim stage. To never move > out of > > > all the pain sounds horrible and sometimes I feel that by rehashing > > > things that happened to us when we where kids just to compare stories > > > is a little bit morbid. Obviously my views are skewed so I don't know > > > if what I'm saying is reasonable but sometimes I feel like we are > > > wallowing in self pity! Am I being really horrible or does anyone > else > > > see this too? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2007 Report Share Posted August 26, 2007 I have been on this list for over 4 years with some big breaks in between posting and reading. I am in a different place than when I started positng, but I know for me that being able to share my experiences on this list was a key part to my healing. For the first time in my life I found a place where people understood what happened. When I was able to read a post from someone who had a similiar or even identical experience I cried because I was finally not alone. Very few people " get " what happened to us. At this point in my journey I do not need to post as much about the past. With the help of a good therapist and EMDR many of the past traumas have lost their power. I do not think that people who have the courage and strength to share painful thoughts and memories are victims. It took a lot of courage for me to share what happened to me. I consider KO's brave to finally speak out about the craziness and abuse we all suffered. No one listened to me when I was a child. If I had read a post like this when I was just starting to participate it would have stung and added to my confusion. Your therapist has an important point to be considered, but I am not a victim.. My NADA did not win and I made it out alive. Compassion, love and understanding were the reasons for this list. I hope it continues because it sure helped to save me. Love and Healing to all. unhealthy First off I wanna say that I think it's wonderful that all us KOs have a place to gather, but don't you guys sometimes feel that it's a little unhealthy? I was talking to my therapist and she was telling me how a person could get stuck on the victim stage. To never move out of all the pain sounds horrible and sometimes I feel that by rehashing things that happened to us when we where kids just to compare stories is a little bit morbid. Obviously my views are skewed so I don't know if what I'm saying is reasonable but sometimes I feel like we are wallowing in self pity! Am I being really horrible or does anyone else see this too? ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the tools to get online. http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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