need validation

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been very active the past few days because I'm around nada

a lot due to the holiday. I need to post some things she's done and

get validation they are in fact nada behaviour, if that's all right?

I am single myself, and I am surrounded by a family who refuse to

admit that anything is wrong w/her at all. And the behaviour is so

subtle, that I think a small part of me is still questioning--are YOU

the crazy one? You ARE the mean one, just like nada says (and

everyone's silence confirms!) These are just a few things--

The big family celebration, nada gets suddenly sick and has to go to

bed while everyone eats dinner. All during the dinner, everyone is

talking about whether she is okay or not. A few minutes later, she

gets up and is fine! Of course people are cheking on her, all while

they're trying to eat. Everyone believes her medical crisis is

completely legit, and seems genuinely worried about her. I feel like

an ass for --well, for thinking SHE's an ass.

Every gift she gives me, when I open it she goes on about how that

was really 'her' taste, is really what *she* wanted. She says, you

asked for everything I wanted this year! !?

I go for a walk in the neighborhood, and fifteen minutes in, nada

passes me on the sidewalk! She decided she just desperately needed

to go too, during the time I was out.

Knowing that I don't eat red meat or wheat gluten, both for health

reasons, nada continually cooks elaborate dishes filled with both.

Meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, pork roast. If I want anything else,

I have to cook it myself--and look high-maintenance and ungrateful

while doing so.

Whenever I am sleeping or in the guest room and nada is not, she

finds some excuse to come in and wake me up or ask me for something.

This one is particularly insidious because I feel invaded, physically.

I bought some music for dishrag, for christmas. A few days later,

nada has put on the cd while she mucks about the house! Only a real

KO would get this. Most married couples share cds. But nada must do

this to show that the cd is HERS, that I cannot give anything to my

father.

I think these are enough examples! The thing is, nada is in a super-

sweet mode right now...and even when she isn't, the foo completely

enables her. There is noone to see these behaviours, or understand

that they are nada-like, and my next therapy apt is not for several

weeks. If anyone can relate or agree these are nada-acts, I sure

would appreciate it! As much progress as I have made, I still need

reassurance that my reality is real.

Thanks,

Charlotte

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlotte,

How terrible it is to be with a group of people who refuse to see

what it right before their eyes. If you are not home yet, I

certainly home you will be soon and be able to put this behind you.

I have put several responses througout your post.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I haven't been very active the past few days because I'm around

nada

> a lot due to the holiday. I need to post some things she's done

and

> get validation they are in fact nada behaviour, if that's all

right?

> I am single myself, and I am surrounded by a family who refuse to

> admit that anything is wrong w/her at all. And the behaviour is

so

> subtle, that I think a small part of me is still questioning--are

YOU

> the crazy one? You ARE the mean one, just like nada says (and

> everyone's silence confirms!)

****Some of the silence may also be that no one wants to upset nada

by challenging her behavior. I know this was the case in my

family. We didn't like what she was doing, but we avoided saying

anything because then she would get worse. I am definitely not

saying it is okay to do this - but just to put the thought out that

maybe they all don't think you are the mean one.

These are just a few things--

>

> The big family celebration, nada gets suddenly sick and has to go

to

> bed while everyone eats dinner. All during the dinner, everyone

is

> talking about whether she is okay or not. A few minutes later,

she

> gets up and is fine! Of course people are cheking on her, all

while

> they're trying to eat. Everyone believes her medical crisis is

> completely legit, and seems genuinely worried about her. I feel

like

> an ass for --well, for thinking SHE's an ass.

****You know why you think she is an ass....LOL...and she didn't

have to pull this stunt to prove it! Me thinks she just needed a

little more attention at the time.

>

> Every gift she gives me, when I open it she goes on about how that

> was really 'her' taste, is really what *she* wanted. She says,

you

> asked for everything I wanted this year! !?

****Oh my - yuck! Is it possible that she gives you a hard time

because she is jealous of you? You have qualities that she wants,

she doesn't have them, and so to make herself feel better she tries

to diminish your qualities. She didn't seem to be able at all to

just allow you to enjoy your gifts.

>

> I go for a walk in the neighborhood, and fifteen minutes in, nada

> passes me on the sidewalk! She decided she just desperately

needed

> to go too, during the time I was out.

****More weirdness!

>

> Knowing that I don't eat red meat or wheat gluten, both for health

> reasons, nada continually cooks elaborate dishes filled with

both.

> Meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, pork roast. If I want anything

else,

> I have to cook it myself--and look high-maintenance and ungrateful

> while doing so.

****Charlotte - a loving and caring mother would definitely fix some

food that you could eat and incorporate those dishes into the menu.

But if this were happening to me, I would turn the tables some way.

I would make a big dish of something yummy and bring it to share

with everyone, or I would say in advance that since I can't eat the

regular fare, I am going to bring some of my allowed foods and

prepare simple meals for myself - BECAUSE - I don't want you to go

to any additional trouble for me!

>

> Whenever I am sleeping or in the guest room and nada is not, she

> finds some excuse to come in and wake me up or ask me for

something.

> This one is particularly insidious because I feel invaded,

physically.

*****Rude, socially unacceptable, and so very nada-like. She just

doesn't want you to be a separate individual.

>

> I bought some music for dishrag, for christmas. A few days later,

> nada has put on the cd while she mucks about the house! Only a

real

> KO would get this. Most married couples share cds. But nada must

do

> this to show that the cd is HERS, that I cannot give anything to

my

> father.

****Sure enough - what's her's is her's, and what's everyone else's

is hers! Kind of rude, don't you think, even if they are married,

to take a new CD to play without asking?

>

> I think these are enough examples! The thing is, nada is in a

super-

> sweet mode right now...and even when she isn't, the foo completely

> enables her. There is noone to see these behaviours, or

understand

> that they are nada-like, and my next therapy apt is not for

several

> weeks. If anyone can relate or agree these are nada-acts, I sure

> would appreciate it! As much progress as I have made, I still

need

> reassurance that my reality is real.

>

> Thanks,

> Charlotte

*****Charlotte, I can certainly understand about the reality check.

I had to go through it too, even though I am no contact, because the

rest of the family still gets together at nada's house on Christmas

Eve. But as you said, some of the behavior is really hard to

identify as BPD because each one individually can seem

so 'innocent'. But when you put them all together, they are the

behaviors of an extremely sick individual who has no life except for

what he or she drains out of other people.

Take care of yourself,

Sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

No, I don't think you are the crazy one. I think you are the only one

who has half a brain that they like to actually use- what a concept,

right? I think you are right on target w/the subleties you mentioned.

And yes, they definitely fit in line w/how my nada has always behaved-

subtle and invalidating, hence your the title of your thread. If you

need validating, please hear me out- YOU ARE NOT IMAGINING THINGS.

It's not you, they are dysfunctional and you are obviously wanting

better things for your life or else you wouldn't be aware of these

problems.

I'm allergic to wheat gluten too. My bestfriend is highly allergic

to turkey and so her BP MIL makes sure to put turkey in every meal

she cooks. My friend's solution, brings her own dishes to eat over

this past holiday weekend and enough to make sure it lasts. Perhaps

you could do that too and just say you've got lots of allergies and

your doctor recommended doing that- false appeal to authority seems

to work w/BPs. As for me, well even in the past few years when I have

been around nada, I can't say I've been over at her house more than a

few hours at a time and while once was to eat, I just wouldn't eat

anything I'm allergic too. but she has allergies too and so it works

well for me.

Anyway, hope this offered some kind of validation for you. Best

wishes.

Kerrie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I haven't been very active the past few days because I'm around

nada

> a lot due to the holiday. I need to post some things she's done

and

> get validation they are in fact nada behaviour, if that's all

right?

> I am single myself, and I am surrounded by a family who refuse to

> admit that anything is wrong w/her at all. And the behaviour is so

> subtle, that I think a small part of me is still questioning--are

YOU

> the crazy one? You ARE the mean one, just like nada says (and

> everyone's silence confirms!) These are just a few things--

>

> The big family celebration, nada gets suddenly sick and has to go

to

> bed while everyone eats dinner. All during the dinner, everyone is

> talking about whether she is okay or not. A few minutes later, she

> gets up and is fine! Of course people are cheking on her, all

while

> they're trying to eat. Everyone believes her medical crisis is

> completely legit, and seems genuinely worried about her. I feel

like

> an ass for --well, for thinking SHE's an ass.

>

> Every gift she gives me, when I open it she goes on about how that

> was really 'her' taste, is really what *she* wanted. She says, you

> asked for everything I wanted this year! !?

>

> I go for a walk in the neighborhood, and fifteen minutes in, nada

> passes me on the sidewalk! She decided she just desperately needed

> to go too, during the time I was out.

>

> Knowing that I don't eat red meat or wheat gluten, both for health

> reasons, nada continually cooks elaborate dishes filled with both.

> Meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, pork roast. If I want anything

else,

> I have to cook it myself--and look high-maintenance and ungrateful

> while doing so.

>

> Whenever I am sleeping or in the guest room and nada is not, she

> finds some excuse to come in and wake me up or ask me for

something.

> This one is particularly insidious because I feel invaded,

physically.

>

> I bought some music for dishrag, for christmas. A few days later,

> nada has put on the cd while she mucks about the house! Only a

real

> KO would get this. Most married couples share cds. But nada must

do

> this to show that the cd is HERS, that I cannot give anything to my

> father.

>

> I think these are enough examples! The thing is, nada is in a

super-

> sweet mode right now...and even when she isn't, the foo completely

> enables her. There is noone to see these behaviours, or understand

> that they are nada-like, and my next therapy apt is not for several

> weeks. If anyone can relate or agree these are nada-acts, I sure

> would appreciate it! As much progress as I have made, I still need

> reassurance that my reality is real.

>

> Thanks,

> Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Charlotte!!! It sounds very familiar! My comments interspersed below.

charlottehoneychurch wrote:

The big family celebration, nada gets suddenly sick and has to go to

bed while everyone eats dinner. All during the dinner, everyone is

talking about whether she is okay or not. A few minutes later, she

gets up and is fine! Of course people are cheking on her, all while

they're trying to eat. Everyone believes her medical crisis is

completely legit, and seems genuinely worried about her. I feel like

an ass for --well, for thinking SHE's an ass.

***************THIS is one of my nada's favorite standard tricks. Big

holiday dinner, big dramatic exit. OR as a variant, moping about the kitchen

all day (pretending to do the work, pretending to be sooooo ill) and then

dramatically " taking to her bed " as soon as everything is on the table as if

she is the world's biggest martyr to put on a big meal (which everyone else

cooked) when she could barely eeeven stand out. She's SO brave, SO giving! OR

another variant, if there is something she doesn't want to do socially (like

meet her dad's new girlfriend), she will " Go to the Emergency Room " --I can't

believe they take her seriously over there. It's usually she complains of a

migraine until they give her a shot of Demerol. Win-win, she gets out of her

social obligation AND she gets high AND she gets sympathy. Note: She's never

had to " Go to the Emergency Room " when there was something she WANTED to do...

Long response, but Charlotte, I DO know what asses they are being

when they flee with a sickness...*********

Every gift she gives me, when I open it she goes on about how that

was really 'her' taste, is really what *she* wanted. She says, you

asked for everything I wanted this year! !?

******Yeah, mine does the same thing. My taste in a sweater, for instance,

would be plain black. That's been my taste for at least 20 years. HER taste in

a sweater would be pink with some kind of cute animal on it. GUESS which kind

of sweater she will choose for me?************

<snip>

Knowing that I don't eat red meat or wheat gluten, both for health

reasons, nada continually cooks elaborate dishes filled with both.

Meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, pork roast. If I want anything else,

I have to cook it myself--and look high-maintenance and ungrateful

while doing so.

***************Mine knows that we all try to eat reasonably

" healthy " --although we are not at all demanding on this issue--our philosophy

is usually " when in Rome " (because unlike you, C, we don't have an actual

health issue, for us it's just a preference). So basically the ONLY way nada

can irritate us on the food issue is to make sure EVERY meal when we visit is

either high-fat fast food or takeout, no fruits or vegetables all week, and to

stock the fridge with soda and sugar drinks for the kids and stock the entire

" kids room " with candy, gum, and chips. It's so excessive, it's goofy. We'll

try to suggest that I shop and cook for a meal or two (they just pout and

refuse); we'll try to offer to take them out for a meal or two (so we can get

some veggies or salad). Ditto, pout and refuse. If we try to sneak some fruit

into the house, you would think it was contraband! AND that's treated like a

huge insult. Anyway, we all feel ILL by the end of a week there. It's

just easier to give up and eat junk for a week. (Of course we haven't been in

a few years.) Again, long reply but we do understand about the weird

food-control issues.*******

Whenever I am sleeping or in the guest room and nada is not, she

finds some excuse to come in and wake me up or ask me for something.

This one is particularly insidious because I feel invaded, physically.

******Yes, mine invades my (hopefully) private space, ie, the room I stay

in at her home, with constant needs for SOMETHING as soon as I go in there to

escape for five minutes. She needs to get in a closet or a drawer ( and it's

not like it's her bedroom or anything, it's just a spare room) or she needs to

" TALK TO ME " (said in a very upset crisis-voice that makes my stomach knot,

when it's always nothing). Etc etc etc. I too feel invaded. I know what you

mean.*******

<snip>

*****I'm sure you will get tons of validation on these things! Hang in!

-Flea

---------------------------------

Yahoo! DSL Something to write home about. Just $16.99/mo. or less

[Guest guest]

Hello Charlotte,

I can totally relate to your nada claiming to be ill. My nada does

this all the time to get attention or if she is feeling

unapreciated. She loves the attention she gets when she is rushed

into the Emergency Dept. with " chest pain " .

She has ruined alot of family dinners and holidays by pulling this

stunt. In other words faking illness is absolutely nada behavior to

a tee.

With regards to cooking food that she knows you cannot eat; that is

just another way of her denying and invalidating your realty. After

all " nada knows best " !

It took over 30 years and some therapy for my sister to realize that

there was something seriously wrong with nada. It took my brother

much longer to make the realization, but then he moved back in with

her and he changed his tune. He had been very protective of her but

that was very easy to do as he lived 3000 miles away!

Some FOO will never " get it " .

When she came into your room and woke you up she was asserting her

dominance over you. Because she is the " Alpha Female " (Queen) in

the house. (And don't you forget it)!

The CD issue is another Alpha Female tactic. She was letting you

know that " What is your father's is mine and what is mine is mine " .

It seemed like everything your nada did over the holidays was to

remind you of your place. It was all about her need to stay in

control.

When I finally made the realization that my nada was mentally ill

I was a young teenager. I felt like a traitor, and had a great deal

of shame and fear. I also knew no one would belive me because nada

had everyone fooled. I was told constantly that I had " the best

mother in the world " by HER friends.

I think that you are still suffering from a nada induced FOG. Be

kind to yourself , and keep on posting here for support.

Sheila

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I haven't been very active the past few days because I'm around

nada

> a lot due to the holiday. I need to post some things she's done

and

> get validation they are in fact nada behaviour, if that's all

right?

> I am single myself, and I am surrounded by a family who refuse to

> admit that anything is wrong w/her at all. And the behaviour is

so

> subtle, that I think a small part of me is still questioning--are

YOU

> the crazy one? You ARE the mean one, just like nada says (and

> everyone's silence confirms!) These are just a few things--

>

> The big family celebration, nada gets suddenly sick and has to go

to

> bed while everyone eats dinner. All during the dinner, everyone

is

> talking about whether she is okay or not. A few minutes later,

she

> gets up and is fine! Of course people are cheking on her, all

while

> they're trying to eat. Everyone believes her medical crisis is

> completely legit, and seems genuinely worried about her. I feel

like

> an ass for --well, for thinking SHE's an ass.

>

> Every gift she gives me, when I open it she goes on about how that

> was really 'her' taste, is really what *she* wanted. She says,

you

> asked for everything I wanted this year! !?

>

> I go for a walk in the neighborhood, and fifteen minutes in, nada

> passes me on the sidewalk! She decided she just desperately

needed

> to go too, during the time I was out.

>

> Knowing that I don't eat red meat or wheat gluten, both for health

> reasons, nada continually cooks elaborate dishes filled with

both.

> Meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, pork roast. If I want anything

else,

> I have to cook it myself--and look high-maintenance and ungrateful

> while doing so.

>

> Whenever I am sleeping or in the guest room and nada is not, she

> finds some excuse to come in and wake me up or ask me for

something.

> This one is particularly insidious because I feel invaded,

physically.

>

> I bought some music for dishrag, for christmas. A few days later,

> nada has put on the cd while she mucks about the house! Only a

real

> KO would get this. Most married couples share cds. But nada must

do

> this to show that the cd is HERS, that I cannot give anything to

my

> father.

>

> I think these are enough examples! The thing is, nada is in a

super-

> sweet mode right now...and even when she isn't, the foo completely

> enables her. There is noone to see these behaviours, or

understand

> that they are nada-like, and my next therapy apt is not for

several

> weeks. If anyone can relate or agree these are nada-acts, I sure

> would appreciate it! As much progress as I have made, I still

need

> reassurance that my reality is real.

>

> Thanks,

> Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, Bridget, Sylvia, Kerrie, Flea, and Sheila,

Thanks for your sharing about this. You had me LOL,

LOL, and LOL with your humor. Between all the tough

stuff you, me, and others post, I sure love to laugh

about some of it.

My nada used holiday times to target me again, and try

(it wasn’t hard) to get the FOO in on the act.

They’ve always been more than willing. After all,

those were holidays -- holy days -- and I always had a

reason to say to myself, “Holy ****, she did it

again!”

My entire childhood, my nada plied me with sugary and

fatty foods. How I didn’t end up a Juvenile Diabetic

and/or 500 pounds, I don’t know. Interestingly, I

gravitated on my own to some occasionally healthier

foods. BPD older brudda made sure to constantly give

me he** for it, with a smirking nada and do-nothing

NPD step-fada looking on. It happened more with

do-nothing dishrag fada. Again, how I survived those

FOOls, I don’t know!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- Sheila wrote:

> Hello Charlotte,

>

> I can totally relate to your nada claiming to be

> ill. My nada does

> this all the time to get attention or if she is

> feeling

> unapreciated. She loves the attention she gets when

> she is rushed

> into the Emergency Dept. with " chest pain " .

> She has ruined alot of family dinners and holidays

> by pulling this

> stunt. In other words faking illness is absolutely

> nada behavior to

> a tee.

> With regards to cooking food that she knows you

> cannot eat; that is

> just another way of her denying and invalidating

> your realty. After

> all " nada knows best " !

> It took over 30 years and some therapy for my sister

> to realize that

> there was something seriously wrong with nada. It

> took my brother

> much longer to make the realization, but then he

> moved back in with

> her and he changed his tune. He had been very

> protective of her but

> that was very easy to do as he lived 3000 miles

> away!

> Some FOO will never " get it " .

> When she came into your room and woke you up she was

> asserting her

> dominance over you. Because she is the " Alpha

> Female " (Queen) in

> the house. (And don't you forget it)!

> The CD issue is another Alpha Female tactic. She

> was letting you

> know that " What is your father's is mine and what is

> mine is mine " .

> It seemed like everything your nada did over the

> holidays was to

> remind you of your place. It was all about her need

> to stay in

> control.

> When I finally made the realization that my nada

> was mentally ill

> I was a young teenager. I felt like a traitor, and

> had a great deal

> of shame and fear. I also knew no one would belive

> me because nada

> had everyone fooled. I was told constantly that I

> had " the best

> mother in the world " by HER friends.

> I think that you are still suffering from a nada

> induced FOG. Be

> kind to yourself , and keep on posting here for

> support.

>

> Sheila

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I haven't been very active the past few days

> because I'm around

> nada

> > a lot due to the holiday. I need to post some

> things she's done

> and

> > get validation they are in fact nada behaviour, if

> that's all

> right?

> > I am single myself, and I am surrounded by a

> family who refuse to

> > admit that anything is wrong w/her at all. And

> the behaviour is

> so

> > subtle, that I think a small part of me is still

> questioning--are

> YOU

> > the crazy one? You ARE the mean one, just like

> nada says (and

> > everyone's silence confirms!) These are just a

> few things--

> >

> > The big family celebration, nada gets suddenly

> sick and has to go

> to

> > bed while everyone eats dinner. All during the

> dinner, everyone

> is

> > talking about whether she is okay or not. A few

> minutes later,

> she

> > gets up and is fine! Of course people are cheking

> on her, all

> while

> > they're trying to eat. Everyone believes her

> medical crisis is

> > completely legit, and seems genuinely worried

> about her. I feel

> like

> > an ass for --well, for thinking SHE's an ass.

> >

> > Every gift she gives me, when I open it she goes

> on about how that

> > was really 'her' taste, is really what *she*

> wanted. She says,

> you

> > asked for everything I wanted this year! !?

> >

> > I go for a walk in the neighborhood, and fifteen

> minutes in, nada

> > passes me on the sidewalk! She decided she just

> desperately

> needed

> > to go too, during the time I was out.

> >

> > Knowing that I don't eat red meat or wheat gluten,

> both for health

> > reasons, nada continually cooks elaborate dishes

> filled with

> both.

> > Meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, pork roast. If I

> want anything

> else,

> > I have to cook it myself--and look

> high-maintenance and ungrateful

> > while doing so.

> >

> > Whenever I am sleeping or in the guest room and

> nada is not, she

> > finds some excuse to come in and wake me up or ask

> me for

> something.

> > This one is particularly insidious because I feel

> invaded,

> physically.

> >

> > I bought some music for dishrag, for christmas. A

> few days later,

> > nada has put on the cd while she mucks about the

> house! Only a

> real

> > KO would get this. Most married couples share

> cds. But nada must

> do

> > this to show that the cd is HERS, that I cannot

> give anything to

> my

> > father.

> >

> > I think these are enough examples! The thing is,

> nada is in a

> super-

> > sweet mode right now...and even when she isn't,

> the foo completely

> > enables her. There is noone to see these

> behaviours, or

> understand

> > that they are nada-like, and my next therapy apt

> is not for

> several

> > weeks. If anyone can relate or agree these are

> nada-acts, I sure

> > would appreciate it! As much progress as I have

> made, I still

> need

> > reassurance that my reality is real.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Charlotte

> >

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________

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