accepting help from kids?

[Guest guest]

Next..

Does anyone have trouble defining what is an appropriate amount of help to

request or receive from their children? This is one that stumps me a lot.

For instance today, I was on the couch with the 2-yr-old asleep on my lap.

She really doesn't nap anymore, so to move her, even to stand up with her in my

arms, would mean waking her up. Anyway, so I was kind of " stuck " there, but I

was using this unexpected little break to read a book. It was lunchtime and I

was getting really hungry but I didn't want to move and wake her up. Anyone

who's ever had a 2 y/o will understand this!

So DS (age 11) walks into the room, and I ask him to bring me some cheese and

crackers. So...he's really nice about it, and asks which kind I want (there

were various kinds of each), and he comes out with this really nice little

plate of cheese and crackers, the kinds I actually wanted. I mean, I was

expecting (and would have been happy with) a random hunk of cheese and a random

box of crackers, thrown from the kitchen. But anyway, even before I asked him

to get me the food, I was deliberating if that was too lazy or selfish, not to

get it myself (and wake the snoozing 2-yr-old and end my reading break).

Obviously, since I asked him, I decided no, it was probably a reasonable

request. But then ironically, when he was so NICE about it, and asked me so

thoughtfully what I wanted, and put it nicely on a little plate...I felt

simultaneously like " Wow, what a nice kid, " and felt all nurtured and cared for

and loved...BUT at the same time, it reminded me how I always had to " care for "

nada, and was remimnded how inappropriate it is to expect your children to meet

your needs. You know? Like, it was really nice of him, and at the same time I

must be this horrible lazy exploitative mother for not getting my own d***

crackers.

Do other people have trouble with this? When is it okay to simply enjoy the

fact that you have a nice kid who cares about what you want to eat and brings

it to you on a plate? And when do you worry that the child is " taking care of

you " and not vice versa? I know this " cheese-and-crackers question " probably

would sound insane to anyone but another KO.

Thanks,

Flea

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Shopping

Find Great Deals on Holiday Gifts at Yahoo! Shopping

[Guest guest]

Hi Flea,

What a very nice story about your son! You are not taking advantage

of him. As children get older, they need more and more to see how

they can contribute to the family. I don't think it was too much to

ask your son to help you out in this situation. Being a good parent

includes teaching our children how to be good to others as well.

You were being too hard on yourself. I am sure your son was happy

to help; it probably made him feel important and 'grown up' - and

hey - maybe this will carry over to how he treats his wife when she

is taking care of a child (okay - a little premature here - but what

we do does have far reaching effects!).

I suspect that critical voice was really a nada or fada recording of

what they might have said if they had witnessed the event.

As far as when is this okay and when isn't it okay - I think you

really have that figured out already. As a family unit, it is

perfectly okay for family to 'help' each other. And your son was

helping you. You aren't expecting him to provide meals on a

continual basis - and I am definitely sure that you are still doing

a great deal of things to take care of him. But you really did help

him learn how to help another person when that help is needed.

You know, children know when they are loved and when they are being

taken care of. I think your son knows he is loved and cherished,

and he just wanted to return a little of that to you.

And, for the record, although my children are adults - I still have

difficulty knowing if I am being a good parent or not. My therapist

tells me that all good parents have this kind of internal conflict!

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Next..

> Does anyone have trouble defining what is an appropriate amount

of help to request or receive from their children? This is one that

stumps me a lot.

>

> For instance today, I was on the couch with the 2-yr-old asleep

on my lap. She really doesn't nap anymore, so to move her, even to

stand up with her in my arms, would mean waking her up. Anyway, so

I was kind of " stuck " there, but I was using this unexpected little

break to read a book. It was lunchtime and I was getting really

hungry but I didn't want to move and wake her up. Anyone who's ever

had a 2 y/o will understand this!

>

> So DS (age 11) walks into the room, and I ask him to bring me

some cheese and crackers. So...he's really nice about it, and asks

which kind I want (there were various kinds of each), and he comes

out with this really nice little plate of cheese and crackers, the

kinds I actually wanted. I mean, I was expecting (and would have

been happy with) a random hunk of cheese and a random box of

crackers, thrown from the kitchen. But anyway, even before I asked

him to get me the food, I was deliberating if that was too lazy or

selfish, not to get it myself (and wake the snoozing 2-yr-old and

end my reading break).

>

> Obviously, since I asked him, I decided no, it was probably a

reasonable request. But then ironically, when he was so NICE about

it, and asked me so thoughtfully what I wanted, and put it nicely

on a little plate...I felt simultaneously like " Wow, what a nice

kid, " and felt all nurtured and cared for and loved...BUT at the

same time, it reminded me how I always had to " care for " nada, and

was remimnded how inappropriate it is to expect your children to

meet your needs. You know? Like, it was really nice of him, and at

the same time I must be this horrible lazy exploitative mother for

not getting my own d*** crackers.

>

> Do other people have trouble with this? When is it okay to

simply enjoy the fact that you have a nice kid who cares about what

you want to eat and brings it to you on a plate? And when do you

worry that the child is " taking care of you " and not vice versa? I

know this " cheese-and-crackers question " probably would sound

insane to anyone but another KO.

>

> Thanks,

> Flea

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Yahoo! Shopping

> Find Great Deals on Holiday Gifts at Yahoo! Shopping

>

>

[Guest guest]

Flea,

I agree with Sylvia. I believe that it’s VERY healthy

that you have these questions and concerns. A BP

wouldn’t! If it were me, I’d take a little time later

to privately tell my child that it was really nice

what s/he did and that I appreciated it a lot.

However, I believe that children ask themselves the

same kinds of questions as parents do, from the other

side. As a child, many times I said to myself, “I’m

supposed to be the son here . . . Why do I have to

take care of her (nada) / him (dishrag fada)? So,

most importantly, I’d say something to reassure them

about who’s in what role, for example, “_____, as your

mother/father, I’m proud of you for doing your part to

help the family. You’re a good/great daughter/son.”

I know I wish I’d heard that, at least once.

I welcome others’ feedback about this idea.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- smhtrain2 wrote:

> Hi Flea,

>

> What a very nice story about your son! You are not

> taking advantage

> of him. As children get older, they need more and

> more to see how

> they can contribute to the family. I don't think it

> was too much to

> ask your son to help you out in this situation.

> Being a good parent

> includes teaching our children how to be good to

> others as well.

> You were being too hard on yourself. I am sure your

> son was happy

> to help; it probably made him feel important and

> 'grown up' - and

> hey - maybe this will carry over to how he treats

> his wife when she

> is taking care of a child (okay - a little premature

> here - but what

> we do does have far reaching effects!).

>

> I suspect that critical voice was really a nada or

> fada recording of

> what they might have said if they had witnessed the

> event.

>

> As far as when is this okay and when isn't it okay -

> I think you

> really have that figured out already. As a family

> unit, it is

> perfectly okay for family to 'help' each other. And

> your son was

> helping you. You aren't expecting him to provide

> meals on a

> continual basis - and I am definitely sure that you

> are still doing

> a great deal of things to take care of him. But you

> really did help

> him learn how to help another person when that help

> is needed.

>

> You know, children know when they are loved and when

> they are being

> taken care of. I think your son knows he is loved

> and cherished,

> and he just wanted to return a little of that to

> you.

>

> And, for the record, although my children are adults

> - I still have

> difficulty knowing if I am being a good parent or

> not. My therapist

> tells me that all good parents have this kind of

> internal conflict!

>

> Take care,

>

> Sylvia

>

>

> >

> > Next..

> > Does anyone have trouble defining what is an

> appropriate amount

> of help to request or receive from their children?

> This is one that

> stumps me a lot.

> >

> > For instance today, I was on the couch with the

> 2-yr-old asleep

> on my lap. She really doesn't nap anymore, so to

> move her, even to

> stand up with her in my arms, would mean waking her

> up. Anyway, so

> I was kind of " stuck " there, but I was using this

> unexpected little

> break to read a book. It was lunchtime and I was

> getting really

> hungry but I didn't want to move and wake her up.

> Anyone who's ever

> had a 2 y/o will understand this!

> >

> > So DS (age 11) walks into the room, and I ask

> him to bring me

> some cheese and crackers. So...he's really nice

> about it, and asks

> which kind I want (there were various kinds of

> each), and he comes

> out with this really nice little plate of cheese

> and crackers, the

> kinds I actually wanted. I mean, I was expecting

> (and would have

> been happy with) a random hunk of cheese and a

> random box of

> crackers, thrown from the kitchen. But anyway, even

> before I asked

> him to get me the food, I was deliberating if that

> was too lazy or

> selfish, not to get it myself (and wake the

> snoozing 2-yr-old and

> end my reading break).

> >

> > Obviously, since I asked him, I decided no, it

> was probably a

> reasonable request. But then ironically, when he was

> so NICE about

> it, and asked me so thoughtfully what I wanted, and

> put it nicely

> on a little plate...I felt simultaneously like

> " Wow, what a nice

> kid, " and felt all nurtured and cared for and

> loved...BUT at the

> same time, it reminded me how I always had to " care

> for " nada, and

> was remimnded how inappropriate it is to expect

> your children to

> meet your needs. You know? Like, it was really nice

> of him, and at

> the same time I must be this horrible lazy

> exploitative mother for

> not getting my own d*** crackers.

> >

> > Do other people have trouble with this? When is

> it okay to

> simply enjoy the fact that you have a nice kid who

> cares about what

> you want to eat and brings it to you on a plate?

> And when do you

> worry that the child is " taking care of you " and

> not vice versa? I

> know this " cheese-and-crackers question " probably

> would sound

> insane to anyone but another KO.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Flea

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Yahoo! Shopping

> > Find Great Deals on Holiday Gifts at Yahoo!

> Shopping

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

> >

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________

Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

Just $16.99/mo. or less.

dsl.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

NonBP,

Thanks for the reply! And I absolutely agree with you! It is so SO SO

VERY important to tell our kids that they ARE valued, that we DO

appreciate and love them, and also acknowledge them when they do

something helpful or something we appreciate. No one ever did any of

that for us, right?

I did enthusiastically thank him for bringing me the food, by the

way!

I do try to tell him the things I appreciate about him--most of

all, he has a very kind heart. And he is so good to his little sister,

and I tell him all the time what a wonderful brother he is. He has

ADHD, and so he can be difficult at times and he is not a perfect

angel--no child is--but he is always, always kind to his baby sister.

I almost can't believe how patient he is with her (because patience is

not the strong suit for someone with ADHD). He helps her, and

encourages her, and praises her, and plays with her, and is just

genuinely NICE.

Whenever I am frustrated with him, because of his impulsive or

rude ADHD behavior, I tell myself that anyone who can be so kind to

his little sister is essentially a very good person and will turn out

okay in the end.

Flea

[Guest guest]

Non-BP man -

I totally agree with your suggestion. I believe it is exactly these

types of affirmations that create the self confidence that is needed

to manage your life. As KOs, this is one of the areas where we have

to reparent ourselves, cause we sure didn't get such positive

affirmations from our parents.

I will share a story that I posted a long, long time ago on this

board. When my daughter was in middle school and high school, and I

would praise her for something she did, her modest reply was 'You

have to say that because you are my mother'. Little did she realize

that not all moms and dads give praise to their children. I am so

grateful that I did not perpetuate the abusive behaviors of my

parents.

Sylvia

> > >

> > > Next..

> > > Does anyone have trouble defining what is an

> > appropriate amount

> > of help to request or receive from their children?

> > This is one that

> > stumps me a lot.

> > >

> > > For instance today, I was on the couch with the

> > 2-yr-old asleep

> > on my lap. She really doesn't nap anymore, so to

> > move her, even to

> > stand up with her in my arms, would mean waking her

> > up. Anyway, so

> > I was kind of " stuck " there, but I was using this

> > unexpected little

> > break to read a book. It was lunchtime and I was

> > getting really

> > hungry but I didn't want to move and wake her up.

> > Anyone who's ever

> > had a 2 y/o will understand this!

> > >

> > > So DS (age 11) walks into the room, and I ask

> > him to bring me

> > some cheese and crackers. So...he's really nice

> > about it, and asks

> > which kind I want (there were various kinds of

> > each), and he comes

> > out with this really nice little plate of cheese

> > and crackers, the

> > kinds I actually wanted. I mean, I was expecting

> > (and would have

> > been happy with) a random hunk of cheese and a

> > random box of

> > crackers, thrown from the kitchen. But anyway, even

> > before I asked

> > him to get me the food, I was deliberating if that

> > was too lazy or

> > selfish, not to get it myself (and wake the

> > snoozing 2-yr-old and

> > end my reading break).

> > >

> > > Obviously, since I asked him, I decided no, it

> > was probably a

> > reasonable request. But then ironically, when he was

> > so NICE about

> > it, and asked me so thoughtfully what I wanted, and

> > put it nicely

> > on a little plate...I felt simultaneously like

> > " Wow, what a nice

> > kid, " and felt all nurtured and cared for and

> > loved...BUT at the

> > same time, it reminded me how I always had to " care

> > for " nada, and

> > was remimnded how inappropriate it is to expect

> > your children to

> > meet your needs. You know? Like, it was really nice

> > of him, and at

> > the same time I must be this horrible lazy

> > exploitative mother for

> > not getting my own d*** crackers.

> > >

> > > Do other people have trouble with this? When is

> > it okay to

> > simply enjoy the fact that you have a nice kid who

> > cares about what

> > you want to eat and brings it to you on a plate?

> > And when do you

> > worry that the child is " taking care of you " and

> > not vice versa? I

> > know this " cheese-and-crackers question " probably

> > would sound

> > insane to anyone but another KO.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Flea

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Yahoo! Shopping

> > > Find Great Deals on Holiday Gifts at Yahoo!

> > Shopping

> > >

> > > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> > removed]

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________

> Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> dsl.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

I agree. Also, if a child of mine said 'You have to

say that because you are my [father]', I hope I’d say

something such as, “No, son/daughter, I SHOULD say

that because I’m your father. Many parents don’t. I

CHOOSE to say it because you deserve it and because I

love you.”

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- smhtrain2 wrote:

> Non-BP man -

>

> I totally agree with your suggestion. I believe it

> is exactly these

> types of affirmations that create the self

> confidence that is needed

> to manage your life. As KOs, this is one of the

> areas where we have

> to reparent ourselves, cause we sure didn't get such

> positive

> affirmations from our parents.

>

> I will share a story that I posted a long, long time

> ago on this

> board. When my daughter was in middle school and

> high school, and I

> would praise her for something she did, her modest

> reply was 'You

> have to say that because you are my mother'. Little

> did she realize

> that not all moms and dads give praise to their

> children. I am so

> grateful that I did not perpetuate the abusive

> behaviors of my

> parents.

>

> Sylvia

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Next..

> > > > Does anyone have trouble defining what is an

> > > appropriate amount

> > > of help to request or receive from their

> children?

> > > This is one that

> > > stumps me a lot.

> > > >

> > > > For instance today, I was on the couch with

> the

> > > 2-yr-old asleep

> > > on my lap. She really doesn't nap anymore, so

> to

> > > move her, even to

> > > stand up with her in my arms, would mean waking

> her

> > > up. Anyway, so

> > > I was kind of " stuck " there, but I was using

> this

> > > unexpected little

> > > break to read a book. It was lunchtime and I

> was

> > > getting really

> > > hungry but I didn't want to move and wake her

> up.

> > > Anyone who's ever

> > > had a 2 y/o will understand this!

> > > >

> > > > So DS (age 11) walks into the room, and I

> ask

> > > him to bring me

> > > some cheese and crackers. So...he's really nice

> > > about it, and asks

> > > which kind I want (there were various kinds of

> > > each), and he comes

> > > out with this really nice little plate of

> cheese

> > > and crackers, the

> > > kinds I actually wanted. I mean, I was

> expecting

> > > (and would have

> > > been happy with) a random hunk of cheese and a

> > > random box of

> > > crackers, thrown from the kitchen. But anyway,

> even

> > > before I asked

> > > him to get me the food, I was deliberating if

> that

> > > was too lazy or

> > > selfish, not to get it myself (and wake the

> > > snoozing 2-yr-old and

> > > end my reading break).

> > > >

> > > > Obviously, since I asked him, I decided no,

> it

> > > was probably a

> > > reasonable request. But then ironically, when he

> was

> > > so NICE about

> > > it, and asked me so thoughtfully what I wanted,

> and

> > > put it nicely

> > > on a little plate...I felt simultaneously like

> > > " Wow, what a nice

> > > kid, " and felt all nurtured and cared for and

> > > loved...BUT at the

> > > same time, it reminded me how I always had to

> " care

> > > for " nada, and

> > > was remimnded how inappropriate it is to expect

> > > your children to

> > > meet your needs. You know? Like, it was really

> nice

> > > of him, and at

> > > the same time I must be this horrible lazy

> > > exploitative mother for

> > > not getting my own d*** crackers.

> > > >

> > > > Do other people have trouble with this? When

> is

> > > it okay to

> > > simply enjoy the fact that you have a nice kid

> who

> > > cares about what

> > > you want to eat and brings it to you on a

> plate?

> > > And when do you

> > > worry that the child is " taking care of you "

> and

> > > not vice versa? I

> > > know this " cheese-and-crackers question "

> probably

> > > would sound

> > > insane to anyone but another KO.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks,

> > > > Flea

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Yahoo! Shopping

> > > > Find Great Deals on Holiday Gifts at Yahoo!

> > > Shopping

> > > >

> > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> > > removed]

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________

> > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> > Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> > dsl.yahoo.com

> >

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________

Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

Just $16.99/mo. or less.

dsl.yahoo.com