Will she ever improve?

[Guest guest]

This is my second post but I think I can still call myself a newcomer

as I didn't properly introduce myself in my first one...

Reading all the posts here brings a sense of normality to me which is

so comforting. In the sense that, the problems with my mother have

always been something which I have struggled to cope with and perhaps

conceal from the outside world.

I realize that I did believe that my family was strange and that no

one else could understand or believe the things that happened between

us. But reading about feelings and situations which are so similar to

my own, makes me feel like a normal person for the first time.

At the moment I'm at the stage where I know my mother has a problem

and I really want to help her but I feel incapable of doing anything.

She has not been officially diagnosed, but from what I have read and

from the great feeling of identifying with your experiences, I am

certain that she is suffering from the condition.

I want to help and I would love to be able to seek help, but I can't

imagine my mother for example benefiting from therapy.

I mean, she would only lie her way through the whole thing as she

does with everyone.

I suppose I am trying to say that I believe my mother is incapable of

truly opening up to someone and being honest.

Perhaps I am struggling with the conflict between wishing that things

could improve and the believe that things perhaps never will and that

there's nothing I can do about it.

She is an alcoholic, she is becoming estranged from her other

children and her behaviour is so difficult that I feel she will end

up in misery. I feel useless watching her destroy herself and at the

same time I just want to escape from all the harm she does to me as

well.

I just don't know what's best: to do my best to help her deal with

her condition, or to accept it's a lost cause and try to limit the

damage to my own life.

I feel very alone in this and at the same time I am annoyed with

myself for allowing this to totally ruin my life.

I feel I have allowed my mother to abuse me but I also feel I have to

let it continue rather than abandon her.

It's a conflict maybe that we all have to deal with at some point and

perhaps there is no right answer...

Anyway, I really hope everyone had a good, peaceful christmas.

[Guest guest]

Hi there – First of all, big hugs to you! I am happy that you have

found a group that you can relate to and that you don't feel so

alone with your family issues. I read your post and felt that I

could share my experience with you, since my mother is a recovering

alcoholic and is currently abusing prescription medication.

My mother started drinking when I was 15, prior to that she had no

history of alcohol abuse, but I would not be surprised if she was

abusing some type of prescription medication prior to this. My

mother has attempted suicide twice (it has been about 14 years since

her last attempt), both times under the influence, both times

hospitalized (hence the official diagnoses of BPD). I should mention

that alcoholism runs in my mother's family, so there is a good

possibility that there is a genetic component to this addiction

because so many of her immediate relatives, are either alcoholic or

recovering alcoholics.

I am not sure what your family's history is with alcohol. But

regardless of whether it is genetic, or linked to the disorder

itself (as this is one of the diagnosing BPD behaviours in the DSM-

IV i.e. substance abuse), it is my experience that you cannot get

any substance abuser to stop, unless they are ready. Addictive

behaviour has unique components, some of which you describe, like

denial and lying. These behaviours enable the abuser to keep

abusing, " conscience free " . Most people with addiction issues have

an underlying personality disorder. Hence the reason addictions are

so difficult to treat and why so many people end up relapsing. 12

years ago, my mother finally " stopped " abusing alcohol but she drank

for about 10 years!! – Sadly enough, my brother and I, put up with a

lot of abuse while trying to get her to " stop " . I wasted a good

part of my young adulthood tending to a drunken mother.

Interestingly enough, after my mother stopped drinking, she

developed " chronic pain " issues. She does have medical problems, so

there is a good chance she is in pain, but the degree of pain she

states she has, is questionable. After using every pain killer known

to man to try and control the pain, she was put on methadone and has

been on it for the last 2 years. In typical addict fashion, she

started to take more than prescribed dose. My mother does not cope

well (although she thinks she is the pillar of strength). Over the

past two years, our family has suffered through several " tragedies "

directly affecting my mother's side of the family. However, my

mother will not talk, nor acknowledge her feelings surrounding what

has happened (even though they are fairly serious family issues). It

is no coincidence that her pain " escalated " during this time and she

needed " more " drug to control " the pain " . I strongly feel that her

reluctance to deal with these issues and her feelings, is directly

related to her increased abuse of the methadone – if she didn't have

the methadone, she'd turn to a bottle.

I know from my past experience that I cannot " stop " my mother from

abusing her methadone, any more than I can get her to examine her

feelings or deal with her issues. Rather than get involved as I did

years ago when she was drinking, I've learned my lesson, I'm walking

away from this. It is not my problem – end of story. My mother is a

grown woman, and she has to live her own life. Yes, it can hurt to

watch a family member self harm, self destruct and maybe even die –

but you do have to save yourself. I strongly feel that nothing you

can say or do will change the situation. They will only stop once

they have hit rock bottom and are ready. I agree with you, your

mother may never stop. This is a sad and hurtful fact, but it is

something you might have to face. Regardless of what ever happens to

your mother, always hold on to the fact that it is not your fault.

It can be hard letting go, it would be sad if you wasted years of

your life, only to come to the realization that nothing you did

helped.

My mother was told by doctors 20 years ago, that she had a PD, and

she needed intensive therapy and medication to cope with life. She

never sought the help that she needed, she did not " learn " , she did

not want to listen to the doctors, or my father, or her children, or

other family members. She keeps repeating the same mistakes, over

and over because she does not see herself as she is. The best thing

that anyone can do in this situation, is to be aware of family

dysfunctions and issues, and promise not to pass the same legacy

down to another generation. Al-anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics

can be supportive and help you through this. Addictions counselors

who work with family members can also be a great resource. What ever

you decide, always remember, living your life healthy and well and

free from abuse, pain and sadness is your birthright.

>

> This is my second post but I think I can still call myself a

newcomer

> as I didn't properly introduce myself in my first one...

>

> Reading all the posts here brings a sense of normality to me which

is

> so comforting. In the sense that, the problems with my mother have

> always been something which I have struggled to cope with and

perhaps

> conceal from the outside world.

>

> I realize that I did believe that my family was strange and that

no

> one else could understand or believe the things that happened

between

> us. But reading about feelings and situations which are so similar

to

> my own, makes me feel like a normal person for the first time.

>

> At the moment I'm at the stage where I know my mother has a

problem

> and I really want to help her but I feel incapable of doing

anything.

> She has not been officially diagnosed, but from what I have read

and

> from the great feeling of identifying with your experiences, I am

> certain that she is suffering from the condition.

>

> I want to help and I would love to be able to seek help, but I

can't

> imagine my mother for example benefiting from therapy.

> I mean, she would only lie her way through the whole thing as she

> does with everyone.

> I suppose I am trying to say that I believe my mother is incapable

of

> truly opening up to someone and being honest.

> Perhaps I am struggling with the conflict between wishing that

things

> could improve and the believe that things perhaps never will and

that

> there's nothing I can do about it.

>

> She is an alcoholic, she is becoming estranged from her other

> children and her behaviour is so difficult that I feel she will

end

> up in misery. I feel useless watching her destroy herself and at

the

> same time I just want to escape from all the harm she does to me

as

> well.

>

> I just don't know what's best: to do my best to help her deal with

> her condition, or to accept it's a lost cause and try to limit the

> damage to my own life.

>

> I feel very alone in this and at the same time I am annoyed with

> myself for allowing this to totally ruin my life.

> I feel I have allowed my mother to abuse me but I also feel I have

to

> let it continue rather than abandon her.

>

> It's a conflict maybe that we all have to deal with at some point

and

> perhaps there is no right answer...

>

> Anyway, I really hope everyone had a good, peaceful christmas.

>