help! new to group

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm new to this site, but from the few posted messages I've

read, I already feel less alone. I never realized that my mom had

a disorder, I just thought we didn't get along well and that I was

to blame for her craziness. We have always had a volatile

relationship, where she would constantly say how I was the centre of

her world and then in the next breath accuse me of stealing things

from her, doing things behind her back, telling me I was a little

bitch etc. She can be so nice or so mean. There doesn't seem to be

any in between.

A few years ago, she told me she was seeing a psychiatrist and in

his assesment of her he wrote that she had a personality disorder.

She was very happy with this because it meant that she would continue

to get disability from her government job and would not have to work

(she has never had a good work experience). She claimed the

diagnosis was not true, just a way for her to get her insurance. I

bought the explanation at the time because I didn't know anything

about BPD. It wasn't until years later (this year) that I finally

realized what the disorder really was.

What I want to know is how do I deal with her. She recently moved

back to the city I live in and crazily enough I thought things would

be different. I got married last year to a wonderful man and just had

a baby. Instead of being supportive and helpful she has been a

constant source of anxiety and depression for me. She does nothing

but complain about the weather, her apartment, her lack of money,

lack of friends and the fact that she has no car and as a

consequence cannot do anything. She constantly cancels coming over

to our place and then blames it on me when she changes her mind

again. She is always too busy and too sick to do anything with me

or help me with the baby.

I really wish she had never moved here because I find it much

harder to deal with her when she is so close. At least when she was

2400 km away, I could forget about her more easily. Now I feel

responsible to see her and take care of her when I can. We haven't

lived in the same city for 10 years, and I think that's why I was

able to get on with my life by getting away from her.

The anger and the attacks are getting worse and I kind of feel

like no one believes me except my husband and my father (my parents

are divorced). But even at that her crazy behaviour seems to be

reserved for me in private only. I guess I am still having trouble

believing it myself. I constantly second guess my interpretation of

events because she is constantly telling me that

I misunderstood the conversation. I think I am going to start

recording our phone conversations, just so I can feel confident in

my memories of conversations. I'm tired of feeling like I am crazy!

I'm tired of second guessing myself all the time.

She comes across as so normal and compassionate to outsiders and I

also know that she consisently lies to her therapists about her

life (because she has admitted this to me on previous occasions).

Even when my parents were divorced when I was 17 and I attended

therapy with her, she always found a way to turn the therapist

against me and on to her side! I would be so angry with her for the

way I was being treated (and as a result probably acted like a

rebellious teenager), but somehow she managed to pull the wool over

their eyes because she can be so charming and say all the right

words.

She looks for ways to pick fights with me and tells me I am a bad

mother by always making comments about how she would never have

done that when I was a child. She told me she had no help--so why

should I. But she all of sudden wants to rush over to help when she

learns that my dad will be coming over. She then tells people that

all she wants is to be needed (implying that I am rejecting her! She

is the one who does not want to help me and says so very plainly on a

regular basis!) She continues to find ways to pick fights with me

and twists anything I say around and puts words in my mouth. I swear

that sometimes when we are on the phone and she is giving me a hard

time, if someone were with her, they would think that I am telling

her all kinds of ridiculous things because she will talk as if I

have said something I have not.

Like the time I made the mistake of saying it would be nice if we

could find her an apartment building with other people her own age

(she is always talking about how much she hates her apartment and

how lonely she is for people her own age). She immediately got mad

saying she was not going to live in a nursing home and that she

had lots of friendships with people of different ages etc. etc. Did I

say anything about a nursing home????

Anyway, I know I am rambling, but I am at a loss. My father has

always dealt with her by giving in, but I just can't do that

anymore. Its too hard on me. Its too hard having a mother who

claims to love me so deeply treat me with such little respect and so

little regard for my feelings, to just blow it off when she lets me

have it. I can't just not take it personally when it is personal. I

find myself frequently anxious and sad when I have to deal with her.

She hurts me very deeply on a regular basis, and short of just

cutting her off, I don't know what to do. My husband is fed up with

her behavior (and probably my " glutton for punishment " attitude),

and I am tired of her acting like this only when others

aren't around.

Any advice for a person with a newborn who just doesn't have the

energy or the strength to deal with her mother's outbursts and

abuse anymore?

[Guest guest]

You have your hands full! You can put your mother at the bottom of

your list of 'things to take care of'. Honestly, you need to focus

on baby and husband and this new family. That will take a great

deal of your time and energy. Your mother's actions and statements

are not giving you the support you need as a new mother - you don't

need this additional stress in your life.

Since your mother always makes excuses not to come over - just don't

encourage or invite her. Let some of the natural events serve to

keep a distance between you until you have time to figure out how

you want to handle the situation. But understand that you are not

going to be able to change her at all - and this is a very important

fact to accept.

There are some good books that you can read - Understanding the

Borderline Mother and Stop Walking on Eggshells are probably the

best for understanding and learning how to deal with someone with

BPD. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness at all -

and you have no obligation to be with her even if she is in the same

town. There is a say - You didn't cause it, you can't change it,

and you can't cure it. This applies to your mother's illness.

Keep on coming back to this board to read and post - this is a great

source of support.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi, I'm new to this site, but from the few posted messages I've

> read, I already feel less alone. I never realized that my mom had

> a disorder, I just thought we didn't get along well and that I was

> to blame for her craziness. We have always had a volatile

> relationship, where she would constantly say how I was the centre

of

> her world and then in the next breath accuse me of stealing things

> from her, doing things behind her back, telling me I was a little

> bitch etc. She can be so nice or so mean. There doesn't seem to be

> any in between.

>

> A few years ago, she told me she was seeing a psychiatrist and in

> his assesment of her he wrote that she had a personality disorder.

> She was very happy with this because it meant that she would

continue

> to get disability from her government job and would not have to

work

> (she has never had a good work experience). She claimed the

> diagnosis was not true, just a way for her to get her insurance. I

> bought the explanation at the time because I didn't know anything

> about BPD. It wasn't until years later (this year) that I finally

> realized what the disorder really was.

>

> What I want to know is how do I deal with her. She recently moved

> back to the city I live in and crazily enough I thought things

would

> be different. I got married last year to a wonderful man and just

had

> a baby. Instead of being supportive and helpful she has been a

> constant source of anxiety and depression for me. She does nothing

> but complain about the weather, her apartment, her lack of money,

> lack of friends and the fact that she has no car and as a

> consequence cannot do anything. She constantly cancels coming over

> to our place and then blames it on me when she changes her mind

> again. She is always too busy and too sick to do anything with me

> or help me with the baby.

>

> I really wish she had never moved here because I find it much

> harder to deal with her when she is so close. At least when she

was

> 2400 km away, I could forget about her more easily. Now I feel

> responsible to see her and take care of her when I can. We haven't

> lived in the same city for 10 years, and I think that's why I was

> able to get on with my life by getting away from her.

>

> The anger and the attacks are getting worse and I kind of feel

> like no one believes me except my husband and my father (my

parents

> are divorced). But even at that her crazy behaviour seems to be

> reserved for me in private only. I guess I am still having trouble

> believing it myself. I constantly second guess my interpretation

of

> events because she is constantly telling me that

> I misunderstood the conversation. I think I am going to start

> recording our phone conversations, just so I can feel confident in

> my memories of conversations. I'm tired of feeling like I am

crazy!

> I'm tired of second guessing myself all the time.

>

> She comes across as so normal and compassionate to outsiders and I

> also know that she consisently lies to her therapists about her

> life (because she has admitted this to me on previous occasions).

> Even when my parents were divorced when I was 17 and I attended

> therapy with her, she always found a way to turn the therapist

> against me and on to her side! I would be so angry with her for

the

> way I was being treated (and as a result probably acted like a

> rebellious teenager), but somehow she managed to pull the wool

over

> their eyes because she can be so charming and say all the right

> words.

>

> She looks for ways to pick fights with me and tells me I am a bad

> mother by always making comments about how she would never have

> done that when I was a child. She told me she had no help--so why

> should I. But she all of sudden wants to rush over to help when she

> learns that my dad will be coming over. She then tells people that

> all she wants is to be needed (implying that I am rejecting her!

She

> is the one who does not want to help me and says so very plainly

on a

> regular basis!) She continues to find ways to pick fights with me

> and twists anything I say around and puts words in my mouth. I

swear

> that sometimes when we are on the phone and she is giving me a

hard

> time, if someone were with her, they would think that I am telling

> her all kinds of ridiculous things because she will talk as if I

> have said something I have not.

>

> Like the time I made the mistake of saying it would be nice if we

> could find her an apartment building with other people her own age

> (she is always talking about how much she hates her apartment and

> how lonely she is for people her own age). She immediately got mad

> saying she was not going to live in a nursing home and that she

> had lots of friendships with people of different ages etc. etc.

Did I

> say anything about a nursing home????

>

> Anyway, I know I am rambling, but I am at a loss. My father has

> always dealt with her by giving in, but I just can't do that

> anymore. Its too hard on me. Its too hard having a mother who

> claims to love me so deeply treat me with such little respect and

so

> little regard for my feelings, to just blow it off when she lets

me

> have it. I can't just not take it personally when it is personal.

I

> find myself frequently anxious and sad when I have to deal with

her.

> She hurts me very deeply on a regular basis, and short of just

> cutting her off, I don't know what to do. My husband is fed up

with

> her behavior (and probably my " glutton for punishment " attitude),

> and I am tired of her acting like this only when others

> aren't around.

>

> Any advice for a person with a newborn who just doesn't have the

> energy or the strength to deal with her mother's outbursts and

> abuse anymore?

>

[Guest guest]

That is mirror description of me with my father, although we were

the ones who moved to his town (about a year ago) and I had a brand

new baby too! He treated me like yours treats you. But one day he

got mad and threw down the ultimate gauntlet and proclaimed he

didn't want to see me anymore, ever! I was relieved because it was

a sad thing to now see my family subjected to his bazaar mind. I

think he expected me to plead and say sorry over and over and beg

forgiveness. I haven't talked to him or seen him since then (nearly

9 months ago). It's good for my family but I am still left with all

the damage and guilt of 33 years to deal with...every once in a

while I have to see a counselor to get a sanity check. My biggest

fear is picking up his traits and tendencies. The one thing that a

counselor told me was that I have to enforce standards by which I

allow him to treat me. In my case it meant that I would not be the

one to initiate recontact or the one to say sorry. He had to come

to terms with it and fix it himself if he wants.

>

> Hi, I'm new to this site, but from the few posted messages I've

> read, I already feel less alone. I never realized that my mom had

> a disorder, I just thought we didn't get along well and that I was

> to blame for her craziness. We have always had a volatile

> relationship, where she would constantly say how I was the centre

of

> her world and then in the next breath accuse me of stealing things

> from her, doing things behind her back, telling me I was a little

> bitch etc. She can be so nice or so mean. There doesn't seem to be

> any in between.

>

> A few years ago, she told me she was seeing a psychiatrist and in

> his assesment of her he wrote that she had a personality disorder.

> She was very happy with this because it meant that she would

continue

> to get disability from her government job and would not have to

work

> (she has never had a good work experience). She claimed the

> diagnosis was not true, just a way for her to get her insurance. I

> bought the explanation at the time because I didn't know anything

> about BPD. It wasn't until years later (this year) that I finally

> realized what the disorder really was.

>

> What I want to know is how do I deal with her. She recently moved

> back to the city I live in and crazily enough I thought things

would

> be different. I got married last year to a wonderful man and just

had

> a baby. Instead of being supportive and helpful she has been a

> constant source of anxiety and depression for me. She does nothing

> but complain about the weather, her apartment, her lack of money,

> lack of friends and the fact that she has no car and as a

> consequence cannot do anything. She constantly cancels coming over

> to our place and then blames it on me when she changes her mind

> again. She is always too busy and too sick to do anything with me

> or help me with the baby.

>

> I really wish she had never moved here because I find it much

> harder to deal with her when she is so close. At least when she

was

> 2400 km away, I could forget about her more easily. Now I feel

> responsible to see her and take care of her when I can. We haven't

> lived in the same city for 10 years, and I think that's why I was

> able to get on with my life by getting away from her.

>

> The anger and the attacks are getting worse and I kind of feel

> like no one believes me except my husband and my father (my

parents

> are divorced). But even at that her crazy behaviour seems to be

> reserved for me in private only. I guess I am still having trouble

> believing it myself. I constantly second guess my interpretation

of

> events because she is constantly telling me that

> I misunderstood the conversation. I think I am going to start

> recording our phone conversations, just so I can feel confident in

> my memories of conversations. I'm tired of feeling like I am

crazy!

> I'm tired of second guessing myself all the time.

>

> She comes across as so normal and compassionate to outsiders and I

> also know that she consisently lies to her therapists about her

> life (because she has admitted this to me on previous occasions).

> Even when my parents were divorced when I was 17 and I attended

> therapy with her, she always found a way to turn the therapist

> against me and on to her side! I would be so angry with her for

the

> way I was being treated (and as a result probably acted like a

> rebellious teenager), but somehow she managed to pull the wool

over

> their eyes because she can be so charming and say all the right

> words.

>

> She looks for ways to pick fights with me and tells me I am a bad

> mother by always making comments about how she would never have

> done that when I was a child. She told me she had no help--so why

> should I. But she all of sudden wants to rush over to help when she

> learns that my dad will be coming over. She then tells people that

> all she wants is to be needed (implying that I am rejecting her!

She

> is the one who does not want to help me and says so very plainly

on a

> regular basis!) She continues to find ways to pick fights with me

> and twists anything I say around and puts words in my mouth. I

swear

> that sometimes when we are on the phone and she is giving me a

hard

> time, if someone were with her, they would think that I am telling

> her all kinds of ridiculous things because she will talk as if I

> have said something I have not.

>

> Like the time I made the mistake of saying it would be nice if we

> could find her an apartment building with other people her own age

> (she is always talking about how much she hates her apartment and

> how lonely she is for people her own age). She immediately got mad

> saying she was not going to live in a nursing home and that she

> had lots of friendships with people of different ages etc. etc.

Did I

> say anything about a nursing home????

>

> Anyway, I know I am rambling, but I am at a loss. My father has

> always dealt with her by giving in, but I just can't do that

> anymore. Its too hard on me. Its too hard having a mother who

> claims to love me so deeply treat me with such little respect and

so

> little regard for my feelings, to just blow it off when she lets

me

> have it. I can't just not take it personally when it is personal.

I

> find myself frequently anxious and sad when I have to deal with

her.

> She hurts me very deeply on a regular basis, and short of just

> cutting her off, I don't know what to do. My husband is fed up

with

> her behavior (and probably my " glutton for punishment " attitude),

> and I am tired of her acting like this only when others

> aren't around.

>

> Any advice for a person with a newborn who just doesn't have the

> energy or the strength to deal with her mother's outbursts and

> abuse anymore?

>