not sure what i'm doing

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

I have been wanting to go NC with nada for some time but felt that

I couldn't as she is currently terminally ill and I am the only person

she has near her. At first I genuinely wanted to help bring as much

grace to this stage of her life as I could. When I realized she was

never going to allow me to do this, I stayed in contact out of a sense

of obligation. But the more I learn about BPD and the more I examine

myself, the more I realize that I have truly been abused by this woman

my whole life. I have been recently forced by the circumstances of my

life to examine myself and I have discovered that I have so many fleas

because of this woman. Each flea I uncover is such a relief. To

finally know that there is not something inherently defective in me

that makes me act is such counterproductive ways...And the truth shall

set you FREE...

So, the day before Christmas as I was cleaning the house for her

arrival this memory came to me out of the blue. I remembered a convo I

had with her almost 9 years ago right after dd was born. Dd's father,

" Mike " and I were struggling to adjust as new parents and were having

the usual problems/arguments. One day I was talking to nada about the

situation and she told me that Mike and I were never a good match and

she had always known we wouldn't stay together. I was in my Earth

mother hippy phase at the time. She said he was only ever with me as a

way to rebel against his middle class upbringing. And the really sad

thing here is that I believed her and internalized what she'd said. I

broke up with Mike when dd was 6 months old because I believed that he

didn't love me anymore and he probably never had really loved me, so

what was the point in trying to save a loveless relationship.

The more I thought about this incident and the ramifications it

has had on the rest of my life, the more angry I became I don't know

if Mike and I would have survived the adjustment period and gone on

to build a successful marriage and happy life together if she hadn't

said what she said. And I guess now I will never know. All I do know

is that the belief she planted in my head is what prompted me to leave

Mike and what drove me to sabatoge a later relationship with another

wonderful man. So here I sit 33 years old, unmarried, and deeply

dissatisfied with the fact that dd is an only child.

I have worked through most of my anger over this issue and have

come to this place of incredible clarity. This woman is poisionous,

toxic, and extremly dangerous to me. I haven't spoken with her since

the day after Christmas although she called several times. Well, I

hadn't until about 5 minutes ago. She called while I was writing this

post like she has some kind of radar or something.

Anyway, working through this memory has helped me decide to

severly limit contact. I am not sure of the best strategy for this

just yet. I think I may write her a letter and tell her that while I

am willing to do anything I need to do as far as dealing with hospice

workers or her doctors, I can't have her involved in my day to day

life anymore. I'm not completely sure about the letter, and as I write

this I realize I am not even sure that I am willing to be involved

with her Hospice workers or her doctors. I guess I have a little more

thinking to do before I set anything into motion.

If anyone has any suggestions about the logistics here, please

let me know. I have been chair dancing with joy as I have typed these

last few sentences. Today is a good day!

Wish me luck,

Tucan

[Guest guest]

Tucan,

Dealing with a BP is often a no-win situation. Yours is worse

because of your nada's health - and the way we have been trained to

respond to ailing parents in our society. I think the best thing

you could do right now is give yourself permission to not be perfect

in this situation. Give yourself permission to do the best you can,

and then just let go of any questioning and guilt. Understanding

that nada is just not going to be happy, you can make yourself happy

by doing whatever it is that you think you can and want to do.

It is okay to try to help her and also to be very angry with her.

As KOs, we didn't get any help in dealing with mixed emotions -

always black and white with a nada.

Keep on posting, and take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hello All,

>

> I have been wanting to go NC with nada for some time but felt

that

> I couldn't as she is currently terminally ill and I am the only

person

> she has near her. At first I genuinely wanted to help bring as much

> grace to this stage of her life as I could. When I realized she was

> never going to allow me to do this, I stayed in contact out of a

sense

> of obligation. But the more I learn about BPD and the more I

examine

> myself, the more I realize that I have truly been abused by this

woman

> my whole life. I have been recently forced by the circumstances of

my

> life to examine myself and I have discovered that I have so many

fleas

> because of this woman. Each flea I uncover is such a relief. To

> finally know that there is not something inherently defective in me

> that makes me act is such counterproductive ways...And the truth

shall

> set you FREE...

> So, the day before Christmas as I was cleaning the house for

her

> arrival this memory came to me out of the blue. I remembered a

convo I

> had with her almost 9 years ago right after dd was born. Dd's

father,

> " Mike " and I were struggling to adjust as new parents and were

having

> the usual problems/arguments. One day I was talking to nada about

the

> situation and she told me that Mike and I were never a good match

and

> she had always known we wouldn't stay together. I was in my Earth

> mother hippy phase at the time. She said he was only ever with me

as a

> way to rebel against his middle class upbringing. And the really

sad

> thing here is that I believed her and internalized what she'd

said. I

> broke up with Mike when dd was 6 months old because I believed

that he

> didn't love me anymore and he probably never had really loved me,

so

> what was the point in trying to save a loveless relationship.

> The more I thought about this incident and the ramifications it

> has had on the rest of my life, the more angry I became I don't

know

> if Mike and I would have survived the adjustment period and gone

on

> to build a successful marriage and happy life together if she

hadn't

> said what she said. And I guess now I will never know. All I do

know

> is that the belief she planted in my head is what prompted me to

leave

> Mike and what drove me to sabatoge a later relationship with

another

> wonderful man. So here I sit 33 years old, unmarried, and deeply

> dissatisfied with the fact that dd is an only child.

> I have worked through most of my anger over this issue and have

> come to this place of incredible clarity. This woman is poisionous,

> toxic, and extremly dangerous to me. I haven't spoken with her

since

> the day after Christmas although she called several times. Well, I

> hadn't until about 5 minutes ago. She called while I was writing

this

> post like she has some kind of radar or something.

> Anyway, working through this memory has helped me decide to

> severly limit contact. I am not sure of the best strategy for this

> just yet. I think I may write her a letter and tell her that while

I

> am willing to do anything I need to do as far as dealing with

hospice

> workers or her doctors, I can't have her involved in my day to day

> life anymore. I'm not completely sure about the letter, and as I

write

> this I realize I am not even sure that I am willing to be involved

> with her Hospice workers or her doctors. I guess I have a little

more

> thinking to do before I set anything into motion.

> If anyone has any suggestions about the logistics here, please

> let me know. I have been chair dancing with joy as I have typed

these

> last few sentences. Today is a good day!

> Wish me luck,

> Tucan

>

[Guest guest]

Tucan, you are very brave and you seem to know what you want. I have found

that when I

feel really resolved about things, I come up with the right things to say or the

right

solutions once the pressure's on. One trick I learned was to write down what I

wanted out

of the situation and why I had a right to that--before going into what I thought

would be a

confrontation with my nada. It keeps reality in my head--for instance, I might

say that I

am an adult and have the right to make certain choices, or not be verbally

abused etc--

whatever it is you feel like you need. I have even found websites on

assertiveness that

have lists of basic rights as a jumping off point.

At least for me, one of the results of growing up with a BPD mom was that I just

didn't

think I had rights. I can't believe the things I didn't think I was entitled to

only 6 months

ago--I'm almost 30!!!! I think that's where a lot of the guilt, feeling like a

bad person and

even the anxiety come from.

So, when I get these things straight in my head before heading into a

confrontation, the

guilt goes out of the picture. I'm not afraid to pull out all of the stops

because I know my

nada has mistreated me and that I have a right not to be treated that way.

It takes so much work though--I always freak out when I'm headed for conflict

with my

nada, don't get me wrong. What you are doing sounds hard and I would be

terrified in

your place--but I've learned that even being terrified doesn't mean I won't

succeed. I can

tell you are enthusiastic about this too. I don't know your whole story, but it

sounds like

you really know what you're doing.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Trish

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > I have been wanting to go NC with nada for some time but felt

> that

> > I couldn't as she is currently terminally ill and I am the only

> person

> > she has near her. At first I genuinely wanted to help bring as much

> > grace to this stage of her life as I could. When I realized she was

> > never going to allow me to do this, I stayed in contact out of a

> sense

> > of obligation. But the more I learn about BPD and the more I

> examine

> > myself, the more I realize that I have truly been abused by this

> woman

> > my whole life. I have been recently forced by the circumstances of

> my

> > life to examine myself and I have discovered that I have so many

> fleas

> > because of this woman. Each flea I uncover is such a relief. To

> > finally know that there is not something inherently defective in me

> > that makes me act is such counterproductive ways...And the truth

> shall

> > set you FREE...

> > So, the day before Christmas as I was cleaning the house for

> her

> > arrival this memory came to me out of the blue. I remembered a

> convo I

> > had with her almost 9 years ago right after dd was born. Dd's

> father,

> > " Mike " and I were struggling to adjust as new parents and were

> having

> > the usual problems/arguments. One day I was talking to nada about

> the

> > situation and she told me that Mike and I were never a good match

> and

> > she had always known we wouldn't stay together. I was in my Earth

> > mother hippy phase at the time. She said he was only ever with me

> as a

> > way to rebel against his middle class upbringing. And the really

> sad

> > thing here is that I believed her and internalized what she'd

> said. I

> > broke up with Mike when dd was 6 months old because I believed

> that he

> > didn't love me anymore and he probably never had really loved me,

> so

> > what was the point in trying to save a loveless relationship.

> > The more I thought about this incident and the ramifications it

> > has had on the rest of my life, the more angry I became I don't

> know

> > if Mike and I would have survived the adjustment period and gone

> on

> > to build a successful marriage and happy life together if she

> hadn't

> > said what she said. And I guess now I will never know. All I do

> know

> > is that the belief she planted in my head is what prompted me to

> leave

> > Mike and what drove me to sabatoge a later relationship with

> another

> > wonderful man. So here I sit 33 years old, unmarried, and deeply

> > dissatisfied with the fact that dd is an only child.

> > I have worked through most of my anger over this issue and have

> > come to this place of incredible clarity. This woman is poisionous,

> > toxic, and extremly dangerous to me. I haven't spoken with her

> since

> > the day after Christmas although she called several times. Well, I

> > hadn't until about 5 minutes ago. She called while I was writing

> this

> > post like she has some kind of radar or something.

> > Anyway, working through this memory has helped me decide to

> > severly limit contact. I am not sure of the best strategy for this

> > just yet. I think I may write her a letter and tell her that while

> I

> > am willing to do anything I need to do as far as dealing with

> hospice

> > workers or her doctors, I can't have her involved in my day to day

> > life anymore. I'm not completely sure about the letter, and as I

> write

> > this I realize I am not even sure that I am willing to be involved

> > with her Hospice workers or her doctors. I guess I have a little

> more

> > thinking to do before I set anything into motion.

> > If anyone has any suggestions about the logistics here, please

> > let me know. I have been chair dancing with joy as I have typed

> these

> > last few sentences. Today is a good day!

> > Wish me luck,

> > Tucan

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, so happy for you that the realisation that you are going to

reclaim some power over your life has filled you with joy. I wish you

every success.

Who knows what is the best thing to do with a nada? There isn't one.

If you cut off the relationship without explanation you will be bad,

if you explain, you will be bad for being so 'hurtful' and so on. All

I can suggest is that you expect nothing good back from whatever

choice you make, then the response will not derail you. I speak from

my experience, when i tried (mid-thirties) to write a letter to nada

(not knowing there might be anything actually wrong with her, that it

was all bad communication....etc). I spent hours couching what i

needed to say in the most non-accusatory way possible, just trying to

assert my right to be a 'person' with opinions that might differ to

hers but still care for her etc. Predictably (now), what i got back

bore no relationship to what i had said, was full of invective, bile

and guilt. She ransacked her memory for everything from before i was

born, to 'trip me' over what it had cost her to be my 'mum' and what

an ungrateful, wicked, selfish, spiteful, rollercoasting, unstable

daughter I was. 'It would have been better if I had never been born'

she said than live to give birth to this pain.........

So, because I wasn't expecting that, at that point in my life. I

believed (from the counselling I was having at the time) that if only

we could communicate clearly, we could clear the air and start over.

Also, because I wasn't expecting it, I was completely thrown,

destabilised and 'mind-zapped' as her letter seemed to reply to a

letter i had not written. It also initiated a spate of her emptying

her stores of everything of mine and 'returning' it to me. All my

school books, every card and present I had made for her as a child or

sent her. Even the little craft/sewing examplars from school which

she had kept, were kicked out of her house and landed on my doorstep -

no note and usually in the middle of the night, so i woke up to find

them. The only thing she did not send were photo's. i still do not

have a single photo of me or my family before the age of 19. It's

like I never existed before adulthood.

Don't let my experience put you off, just be realistic about any

effect a letter might have, and guard yourself for any response. If

it will help YOU then do it. But not in the hope of any understanding

from a BP.

Good luck

In ModOasis , " tucanbeeblebrox " <tucanbeeblebrox@y...>

wrote:

>

> Hello All,

>

> I have been wanting to go NC with nada for some time but felt that

> I couldn't as she is currently terminally ill and I am the only person

> she has near her. At first I genuinely wanted to help bring as much

> grace to this stage of her life as I could. When I realized she was

> never going to allow me to do this, I stayed in contact out of a sense

> of obligation. But the more I learn about BPD and the more I examine

> myself, the more I realize that I have truly been abused by this woman

> my whole life. I have been recently forced by the circumstances of my

> life to examine myself and I have discovered that I have so many fleas

> because of this woman. Each flea I uncover is such a relief. To

> finally know that there is not something inherently defective in me

> that makes me act is such counterproductive ways...And the truth shall

> set you FREE...

> So, the day before Christmas as I was cleaning the house for her

> arrival this memory came to me out of the blue. I remembered a convo I

> had with her almost 9 years ago right after dd was born. Dd's father,

> " Mike " and I were struggling to adjust as new parents and were having

> the usual problems/arguments. One day I was talking to nada about the

> situation and she told me that Mike and I were never a good match and

> she had always known we wouldn't stay together. I was in my Earth

> mother hippy phase at the time. She said he was only ever with me as a

> way to rebel against his middle class upbringing. And the really sad

> thing here is that I believed her and internalized what she'd said. I

> broke up with Mike when dd was 6 months old because I believed that he

> didn't love me anymore and he probably never had really loved me, so

> what was the point in trying to save a loveless relationship.

> The more I thought about this incident and the ramifications it

> has had on the rest of my life, the more angry I became I don't know

> if Mike and I would have survived the adjustment period and gone on

> to build a successful marriage and happy life together if she hadn't

> said what she said. And I guess now I will never know. All I do know

> is that the belief she planted in my head is what prompted me to leave

> Mike and what drove me to sabatoge a later relationship with another

> wonderful man. So here I sit 33 years old, unmarried, and deeply

> dissatisfied with the fact that dd is an only child.

> I have worked through most of my anger over this issue and have

> come to this place of incredible clarity. This woman is poisionous,

> toxic, and extremly dangerous to me. I haven't spoken with her since

> the day after Christmas although she called several times. Well, I

> hadn't until about 5 minutes ago. She called while I was writing this

> post like she has some kind of radar or something.

> Anyway, working through this memory has helped me decide to

> severly limit contact. I am not sure of the best strategy for this

> just yet. I think I may write her a letter and tell her that while I

> am willing to do anything I need to do as far as dealing with hospice

> workers or her doctors, I can't have her involved in my day to day

> life anymore. I'm not completely sure about the letter, and as I write

> this I realize I am not even sure that I am willing to be involved

> with her Hospice workers or her doctors. I guess I have a little more

> thinking to do before I set anything into motion.

> If anyone has any suggestions about the logistics here, please

> let me know. I have been chair dancing with joy as I have typed these

> last few sentences. Today is a good day!

> Wish me luck,

> Tucan

>