Sugary foods and body image wars: is it BPD?

January 2, 2006

Trish,

It could easily, but not necessarily, be a sign of

BPD. To me, it seems to be BPD, channeled through

food. EVERY incident you described, I believe. EVERY

conclusion you’ve made, I think is accurate and smart.

EVERY feeling you have, I and MANY others understand

because we’ve been there. You’ll see that others also

can help provide clarity and support. You’re not

alone.

The dangers to a non-BP, physically, emotionally,

mentally and spiritually, are real. I have one of

those, too, and so do others. I’ve also got a BPD

older brudda who seems even more interested than my

nada in causing me harm. Do whatever you need to do

to take care of yourself with your nada.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- tlblack2006 wrote:

> NonBP, in your entry you wrote:

>

> > My entire childhood, my nada plied me with sugary

> and

> > fatty foods. How I didn't end up a Juvenile

> Diabetic

> > and/or 500 pounds, I don't know. Interestingly, I

> > gravitated on my own to some occasionally

> healthier

> > foods. BPD older brudda made sure to constantly

> give

> > me he** for it, with a smirking nada and

> do-nothing

> > NPD step-fada looking on. It happened more with

> > do-nothing dishrag fada. Again, how I survived

> those

> > FOOls, I don't know!

>

> I have wondered if this terrible, unhealthy

> eating--and forcing it on others in some way is

> a BP thing also. I'm the only person in my family

> that still doesn't live in my parent's house

> with my nada. Both of my adult brothers have gained

> weight being home--like 50 lbs

> each. I am the only one in my family who is not

> overwieght by at least 50lbs. When I

> started to change the way I eat I got resistance and

> abuse from my nada--she felt hurt if I

> wouldn't eat the way they do, threatened, she tried

> yelling at me and manipulating me to

> eat when I wasn't hungry etc. She actually accused

> me of being anorexic and started

> telling people that are simply acquaintences that I

> was anorexic and getting them to

> intervene (although I am 5'9 " and have never weighed

> less than a healthy 140-145). Even

> my husband, who is not really wise to her ways, has

> noticed her pushing of chocolates and

> other garbage food onto the rest of the fam. He

> thinks she wants to keep us all fat,

> because she is fat!

>

> Also, she has massively affected my body image:

> growing up she said things to me like " at

> your age, I was thinner with bigger breasts. "

> " you're too fat to be a runner, runners are

> thin. "

>

> When I lost 30 lbs to reach my current, healthy

> weight she said, " you'll put it on again

> when you (have kids, get stressed, stop walking

> everywhere) or " you can't be a 'medium' or

> a size '8,' you're too big. " or even more shocking

> " you can't be that small, you brat, I was

> never that small! " She also made critical comments

> about my body and measurements to

> my friends at a party!

>

> Now that she's finally accepted that I'm not going

> to be fat, she seems confused as to how

> thin I actually am. She buys me clothes that are

> TINY, skimpy. She says things like I am

> probably thinner than my cousin--who objectively is

> thinner than me. She says it like

> there's something wrong with my cousin who is a very

> physically fit athelete and is at least

> 5'11 " !

>

> I am glad that I'm not overweight--but I have always

> felt that it causes tension in the

> family--I am known as the family member under

> 200lbs. In addition, althought I know I

> am not overweight, I have a hard time shaking the

> little voice in my head that tells me I

> look fat. It's as if I've allowed my mother to

> convince me of this although I can see the

> scale, check my BMI and see my clothing size. It is

> so hard to shake the programing that

> says I'm fat. And I have this fear that if/when I

> do have kids, I'll get fat after all--and that

> my nada has been right about me all along.

>

> Have you all had similar experiences? Do you think

> this is BPD or possibly some sick-o

> offshoot?

>

> Trish

>

__________________________________________

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January 2, 2006

Hi Trish,

I don't know if it is really food that is the BPD issue, or the fact

that you have achieved something she has not, and in this case food

just happens to be involved. You have been successful at something

your mother was unable to do - maintain a healthy weight. Since she

did not do this - and since either you or she is 'wrong' (according

to BPD black/white thinking), she is going out of her way to

discredit you. A healthy mother would be happy about your success

in this area (or any area) and make sure there was healthy,

appropriate food for you when you were home.

Keep on taking care of yourself,

Sylvia

>

> > My entire childhood, my nada plied me with sugary and

> > fatty foods. How I didn't end up a Juvenile Diabetic

> > and/or 500 pounds, I don't know. Interestingly, I

> > gravitated on my own to some occasionally healthier

> > foods. BPD older brudda made sure to constantly give

> > me he** for it, with a smirking nada and do-nothing

> > NPD step-fada looking on. It happened more with

> > do-nothing dishrag fada. Again, how I survived those

> > FOOls, I don't know!

>

> I have wondered if this terrible, unhealthy eating--and forcing it

on others in some way is

> a BP thing also. I'm the only person in my family that still

doesn't live in my parent's house

> with my nada. Both of my adult brothers have gained weight being

home--like 50 lbs

> each. I am the only one in my family who is not overwieght by at

least 50lbs. When I

> started to change the way I eat I got resistance and abuse from my

nada--she felt hurt if I

> wouldn't eat the way they do, threatened, she tried yelling at me

and manipulating me to

> eat when I wasn't hungry etc. She actually accused me of being

anorexic and started

> telling people that are simply acquaintences that I was anorexic

and getting them to

> intervene (although I am 5'9 " and have never weighed less than a

healthy 140-145). Even

> my husband, who is not really wise to her ways, has noticed her

pushing of chocolates and

> other garbage food onto the rest of the fam. He thinks she wants

to keep us all fat,

> because she is fat!

>

> Also, she has massively affected my body image: growing up she

said things to me like " at

> your age, I was thinner with bigger breasts. " " you're too fat to

be a runner, runners are

> thin. "

>

> When I lost 30 lbs to reach my current, healthy weight she

said, " you'll put it on again

> when you (have kids, get stressed, stop walking everywhere)

or " you can't be a 'medium' or

> a size '8,' you're too big. " or even more shocking " you can't be

that small, you brat, I was

> never that small! " She also made critical comments about my body

and measurements to

> my friends at a party!

>

> Now that she's finally accepted that I'm not going to be fat, she

seems confused as to how

> thin I actually am. She buys me clothes that are TINY, skimpy.

She says things like I am

> probably thinner than my cousin--who objectively is thinner than

me. She says it like

> there's something wrong with my cousin who is a very physically

fit athelete and is at least

> 5'11 " !

>

> I am glad that I'm not overweight--but I have always felt that it

causes tension in the

> family--I am known as the family member under 200lbs. In

addition, althought I know I

> am not overweight, I have a hard time shaking the little voice in

my head that tells me I

> look fat. It's as if I've allowed my mother to convince me of

this although I can see the

> scale, check my BMI and see my clothing size. It is so hard to

shake the programing that

> says I'm fat. And I have this fear that if/when I do have kids,

I'll get fat after all--and that

> my nada has been right about me all along.

>

> Have you all had similar experiences? Do you think this is BPD or

possibly some sick-o

> offshoot?

>

> Trish

>

January 2, 2006

Hi Trish - Welcome!! I have similiar weight issues in my family.

I've been about 10 pounds overweight my entire life (however, I was

50 pounds overweight once in my late 20's for about a year). I've yo-

yo dieted lost it, gained back, the whole nine yards. Was told by

nada at 9 that I was fat and she put me on a diet, if you can

believe it (when I look at pictures I see that I was normal, with

baby chub, nothing serious). My nada was a beautiful woman, she

could have been a model (not anymore, drinking and smoking caught up

to her, she looks 75 instead of the 60 that she is). She is still

very narcissistic. My nada has been anorexic - two years ago she

went down to 100 pounds and she is 5 foot 6, she's been like this on

and off throughout childhood. I've had body image issues and issues

with food forever. I have found throughout the years that when I

look good, nada gets really jealous and then tries to sabatoge my

self confidence. I lost about 20 pounds running a few years ago and

for the first time in my life, was really skinny. I didn't even try

to lose it, it just fell off with the exercise. Anyhow, nada came to

visit and right away felt threatend and started in on my clothes, my

haircut, even my blush colour (it made me look " washed out " ) if you

can believe it -anything to make me feel unattractive. She's done

this forever - weight, haircuts, clothes, the way I talk

(she'll " mimic " me and make me feel stupid), corrects my grammar,

dishes my taste in decorating, it goes on and on. Food though is the

biggy. My therapist told me that she gets control of me when I'm

overweight by keeping my confidence low (hence, not finding a

partner, husband, hence staying her " little girl " forever). Therapy

helped me see that weight is just another way she's used and abused

and controlled me. Just another thing to battle over, just another

thing for nada to put her foot down over. Nada's with some

narcisscism mixed in, just refuse to have a daughter that looks

better then them, end of story. I am happy that you haven't caved

into her pressure.

>

> > My entire childhood, my nada plied me with sugary and

> > fatty foods. How I didn't end up a Juvenile Diabetic

> > and/or 500 pounds, I don't know. Interestingly, I

> > gravitated on my own to some occasionally healthier

> > foods. BPD older brudda made sure to constantly give

> > me he** for it, with a smirking nada and do-nothing

> > NPD step-fada looking on. It happened more with

> > do-nothing dishrag fada. Again, how I survived those

> > FOOls, I don't know!

>

> I have wondered if this terrible, unhealthy eating--and forcing it

on others in some way is

> a BP thing also. I'm the only person in my family that still

doesn't live in my parent's house

> with my nada. Both of my adult brothers have gained weight being

home--like 50 lbs

> each. I am the only one in my family who is not overwieght by at

least 50lbs. When I

> started to change the way I eat I got resistance and abuse from my

nada--she felt hurt if I

> wouldn't eat the way they do, threatened, she tried yelling at me

and manipulating me to

> eat when I wasn't hungry etc. She actually accused me of being

anorexic and started

> telling people that are simply acquaintences that I was anorexic

and getting them to

> intervene (although I am 5'9 " and have never weighed less than a

healthy 140-145). Even

> my husband, who is not really wise to her ways, has noticed her

pushing of chocolates and

> other garbage food onto the rest of the fam. He thinks she wants

to keep us all fat,

> because she is fat!

>

> Also, she has massively affected my body image: growing up she

said things to me like " at

> your age, I was thinner with bigger breasts. " " you're too fat to

be a runner, runners are

> thin. "

>

> When I lost 30 lbs to reach my current, healthy weight she

said, " you'll put it on again

> when you (have kids, get stressed, stop walking everywhere)

or " you can't be a 'medium' or

> a size '8,' you're too big. " or even more shocking " you can't be

that small, you brat, I was

> never that small! " She also made critical comments about my body

and measurements to

> my friends at a party!

>

> Now that she's finally accepted that I'm not going to be fat, she

seems confused as to how

> thin I actually am. She buys me clothes that are TINY, skimpy.

She says things like I am

> probably thinner than my cousin--who objectively is thinner than

me. She says it like

> there's something wrong with my cousin who is a very physically

fit athelete and is at least

> 5'11 " !

>

> I am glad that I'm not overweight--but I have always felt that it

causes tension in the

> family--I am known as the family member under 200lbs. In

addition, althought I know I

> am not overweight, I have a hard time shaking the little voice in

my head that tells me I

> look fat. It's as if I've allowed my mother to convince me of

this although I can see the

> scale, check my BMI and see my clothing size. It is so hard to

shake the programing that

> says I'm fat. And I have this fear that if/when I do have kids,

I'll get fat after all--and that

> my nada has been right about me all along.

>

> Have you all had similar experiences? Do you think this is BPD or

possibly some sick-o

> offshoot?

>

> Trish

>

January 2, 2006

>I am glad that I'm not overweight--but I have always felt that it

>causes tension

>in the

>family--I am known as the family member under 200lbs. In addition,

>althought I

>know I

>am not overweight, I have a hard time shaking the little voice in my

>head that

>tells me I

>look fat. It's as if I've allowed my mother to convince me of this

>although I

>can see the

>scale, check my BMI and see my clothing size. It is so hard to shake >the

>programing that

>says I'm fat. And I have this fear that if/when I do have kids, I'll

>get fat

>after all--and that

>my nada has been right about me all along.

One of the characteristics of BPD is to be addicted to something or to

be all consumed with something. My mother hasn't been a drinker,

smoker, or drug user (except for prescription drugs which are a

problem). But one of her obsessions in life is food. She wants to

and did control every bite that went into my dad's mouth. She and

only she could decide what he was to order in a restaurant or eat at

home. She wanted to do the same with me and I grew up thinking I was

too chubby. Looking back at pictures I realize I never was at all

heavy. I became overweight years later because of dieting. She was

always offering me sweets then warning me not to eat too much. Now I

have diabetes and she continues to offer me her left over food on her

plate, ice cream, candy, cake, cookies etc. I can't tell you how many

times I have explained why I don't eat those things. It is like she

never realy listens. When I found out I have diabetes I made several

lifestyle changes. I now exercise 1 Hr/day of aerobic exeracise and

lift weights to tone and strengthen my body. I feel better than I

ever have. I also follow the diabetic diet closely and have lost over

30 pounds. At one point I had 40 off and some crept back on, but I am

on to it now and feel confident I can get it back off. I just don't

want to go into my senior years compromised by weak muscles, extra

weight and being out of shape.

Anyway, my mom's obsession with food hasn't changed over the years.

Maybe it is one of the last things in her life she feels she can

control. I don't know. She keeps telling me to 'take it easy' that I

am exercising too hard. She just has no concept of the value of

exercise. I've learned to let it all run off. Dee

January 2, 2006

> She keeps telling me to 'take it easy' that I

> am exercising too hard. She just has no concept of the value of

> exercise. <

Don't take this the wrong way, I know your comment holds all the

frustration we feel with these nadas, but I swear i laughed out loud

when i read this - no honestly - as a quote from my nada some years

ago just POPPED into my head from nowhere. Same situation, finally

getting some exercise and getting somehwere with feeling better about

myself and being in better shape.....

" You know, it's not healhy to get obsessive about things... " (emphasis

on word obsessive)

Just that, left hanging in the air, bit random don't you think?

Translation as 'wow, what you are doing is actually working and you

are ignoring all my obvious jibes about never actually succeeding,

about always 'copping out' etc, so i shall have to be more creative

and attack your state of mind'.

If I have an obsession, then this is not really success, it is feeding

some dark, mysterious, unmentionable and 'ought-to-be-avoided mental

condition. I will ultimately pay some terrible price for letting it

get a hold of me. Your post helped me see her comment for what it was.

I realise, to anyone who is not a non, that explanationwould seem to

stretch the point a bit. My new friends here know different!

January 2, 2006

WOW!!!!!

Thank you for that because I think one of the things I fear so much is that I've

become

obsessed--I don't even talk to people about it--but the way you explain it just

shows that

it's a classic no-win situation because although we've succeded in taking an

important

step for our health and for our self-esteem, this being told we're obsessing is

taking all

the goodness out of it! I'm going to use that to reassure myself in the days to

come.

Trish

>

> > She keeps telling me to 'take it easy' that I

> > am exercising too hard. She just has no concept of the value of

> > exercise. <

>

> Don't take this the wrong way, I know your comment holds all the

> frustration we feel with these nadas, but I swear i laughed out loud

> when i read this - no honestly - as a quote from my nada some years

> ago just POPPED into my head from nowhere. Same situation, finally

> getting some exercise and getting somehwere with feeling better about

> myself and being in better shape.....

>

> " You know, it's not healhy to get obsessive about things... " (emphasis

> on word obsessive)

>

> Just that, left hanging in the air, bit random don't you think?

> Translation as 'wow, what you are doing is actually working and you

> are ignoring all my obvious jibes about never actually succeeding,

> about always 'copping out' etc, so i shall have to be more creative

> and attack your state of mind'.

>

> If I have an obsession, then this is not really success, it is feeding

> some dark, mysterious, unmentionable and 'ought-to-be-avoided mental

> condition. I will ultimately pay some terrible price for letting it

> get a hold of me. Your post helped me see her comment for what it was.

> I realise, to anyone who is not a non, that explanationwould seem to

> stretch the point a bit. My new friends here know different!

>

January 2, 2006

jj--

wow! sounds familiar. my own mother has starved herself on and off for

years., wanting to hover around a slim 105 while avoiding exercise. she modeled

on and off for a while in her twenties and is still a very beautiful woman.

she has always been threatened by my appearance (we look exactly alike) and

has made consistently inappropriate comments throughout my life. it took me

awhile to notice how unhealthy it was--she was obsessed with knowing how much i

weighed in order to be certain that it was less than her.

we were recently at ann taylor and she chatted away to the saleswoman,

bragging about how she is a zero and i am a four.

she had plastic surgery done when i was younger, though she's never told a

soul. my step-father recently remarked that i would be lucky, wrinkle-wise,

because i will probably inherit my mom's face. it occured to me that he doesn't

have a clue she ever had work done!

the kicker though--i wouldn't tell ANY of my friends this but you will all

totally understand--she had a breast enlargement when i was thirteen because i

had grown too big for the old bras i'd inherited from her!!!!!

she has always spent an inordinate amount of money on clothes, shoes, hair

cuts and makeup. same with your mom too?

JJ wrote: