Re: ULTIMATE SACRIFICE or threat???? lol

January 4, 2006

Nurse,

" Son, we're a family here. we stay together. Maybe

someday we can visit nanny in Arizona. "

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- nurse_not_today wrote:

> As I mentioned b4, me and my husb and 4 kids live in

> nadas house.

> Well,we had a recent " blowout " of predictable

> proportions, and her

> threat is as follows, mind you, a threat, mixed with

> an act of

> sainthood: You shouldnt have to leave with 2 kids,

> the kids are

> settled here with school and their friends, so, I

> will move out of my

> own house, and you take over all of the bills "

> Now, this at first thought makes me want to jump for

> joy.......

> But, she seasons it with: " Thats the only way

> you'll have a house of

> your own, you'll never have anything good with that

> no good husband of

> yours " (the husb who is very gainfully employed for

> the past 8 years,

> we are in her house because.. well... thats another

> thread) AND my son

> comes up and asks me if " he can go with nanny next

> week, she just

> asked him " I tell him yes, figuring its the movies

> or something, then

> I find out it is really to move to arizona with

> her!!!!!!!!WTF!!!!!!!

> How do I deal with this!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

__________________________________________

Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

Just $16.99/mo. or less.

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January 4, 2006

>

> Nurse,

>

> " Son, we're a family here. we stay together. Maybe

> someday we can visit nanny in Arizona. "

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

> HI nonbp man,

I would never DREAM of letting my son live with nada, even if she

was non bp, I was just wondering how any of you would react to

the " im leaving my own house for you and your kids " ultimate

sacrifice thing.....?

> >

>

> __________________________________________

> Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> dsl.yahoo.com

>

January 4, 2006

I wouldn't take the house - but I don't know what your situation is. Before

my dd and I moved out of my nada's house almost 3 years ago and she tried to

hoover us out of moving with tantrums among other things, she claimed she

would probably sell her house and she and hubby would move somewhere else,

and that she would sell her house to me for a penny just b/c it was a house

that our family had for a long time (since 1978). No way, I ain't buying

that thing even for a penny even if it's a nice house. Can you imagine the

strings attached to that one??!!!? Plus I knew she would never move out

anyway. She is a packrat, too " sentimental " blah blah to ever really move,

not to mention too lazy plus wants to hang around to try to control me and

dd who live 2 miles away.

Theresa

>

> >

> > Nurse,

> >

> > " Son, we're a family here. we stay together. Maybe

> > someday we can visit nanny in Arizona. "

> >

> > One Non-BP Recovering Man

> >

> > HI nonbp man,

> I would never DREAM of letting my son live with nada, even if she

> was non bp, I was just wondering how any of you would react to

> the " im leaving my own house for you and your kids " ultimate

> sacrifice thing.....?

> > >

> >

> > __________________________________________

> > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> > Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> > dsl.yahoo.com

> >

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

>

January 4, 2006

Nurse,

I'd be happy to tell you how I would react to the ultimate sacrifice

issue, cause my nada is the poster child for the 'martyr saint' in

our family. I would respond with 'thanks, but no thanks, this is

something we are looking forward to doing on our own'. With my

nada, there was never a gift or a sacrifice that did not come with

its own set of strings (or were they shackles?) attached.

As far as the comments about your husband - or an comments against

any members of your family - I would not put up with it. Regardless

of why you are living with her, she does not have the right to

discredit anyone in your family.

I am glad you took the time to post about this. It is important to

have a place to vent and to get input from the rest of the KOs.

Take care,

Sylvia

> >

> > Nurse,

> >

> > " Son, we're a family here. we stay together. Maybe

> > someday we can visit nanny in Arizona. "

> >

> > One Non-BP Recovering Man

> >

> > HI nonbp man,

> I would never DREAM of letting my son live with nada, even if she

> was non bp, I was just wondering how any of you would react to

> the " im leaving my own house for you and your kids " ultimate

> sacrifice thing.....?

> > >

> >

> > __________________________________________

> > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> > Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> > dsl.yahoo.com

> >

>

January 4, 2006

Theresa brings up a good point. You can't COUNT on things

nada's 'promise' when they're in the midst of manipulation. I

wouldn't consider her moving out (or giving you the house) to be an

actual possibility. When it comes to things like this, nadas fly

from whim to whim, and only very rarely follow through.

Charlie

> > >

> > > Nurse,

> > >

> > > " Son, we're a family here. we stay together. Maybe

> > > someday we can visit nanny in Arizona. "

> > >

> > > One Non-BP Recovering Man

> > >

> > > HI nonbp man,

> > I would never DREAM of letting my son live with nada, even if she

> > was non bp, I was just wondering how any of you would react to

> > the " im leaving my own house for you and your kids " ultimate

> > sacrifice thing.....?

> > > >

> > >

> > > __________________________________________

> > > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> > > Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> > > dsl.yahoo.com

> > >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > @B... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> > ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> > () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline

> > Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth)

which you can

> > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> > and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

January 4, 2006

>As far as the comments about your husband - or an comments against

> any members of your family - I would not put up with it. Regardless

> of why you are living with her, she does not have the right to

> discredit anyone in your family.

>

Nurse, I completely agree with Sylvia on all counts and especially on

the quote above. It is time to put an end to the verbal abuse of you

and your husband. You will never rid her of her feeling of

entitlement to do this, but you can make it very uncomfortable for her

to do it. One way suggested in the Porcupine Book is to write down

any criticisms in the presence of the BP person. Saying' Just a

minute I will write down what you are saying. I will consider it and

respond when I decide if it is valid or not.' Then walk out of the

room...end of discussion. At a later time, when she is least

expecting it just explain that her criticism..name calling.. nastyness

etc is unfounded and you reject it. End of discussion again. Keeping

your own cool in these situations will help you to feel in control.

The old patterns you have, whatever they may be, haven't brought any

positive changes. You've got to try something new. As you write these

things down you will see how ludicrous they are and she will become

aware of what she is saying and that you are recording it. Also the

frequency with which it occurs will become evident to everyone present.

This walking away from abuse is also a tool. Actions speak louder

than words and if she has no one to yell at, criticize and run down

she will feel silly talking to the walls. Walk outside, go for a ride

or a walk, whatever it takes to withdraw at each incident.

These are only stop-gap measures you can use while you are still

living with her. My advice still is to make a plan and escape as

quickly as you can. Your children are learning that others do not

need to respect you and will translate that into the idea that they

also deserve no respect in life. Every day you stay, is reinforcing

this and many other harmful ideas. Even if you have to give up some

of the extras you can do now because of spending less money on

housing, what you gain in self-respect, peace, and happiness in

forming your own little family, free from all this chaos will be well

worth the sacrifice.

As far as what your mother said about sacrificing the house and

threatening you that she will leave and leave you with the bills, it

IS pure manipulation. You need to get to a spot where it can't be a

threat to you. As long as you are dependent on staying there, she

will feel entitled and continue the threats/abuse. Don't expect her

to be happy when you start demanding some respect. She won't be.

Make a plan. Start it one step at a time and keep posting. You will

have our support. Dee

January 5, 2006

Hi All,

I agree with everything Dee, Sylvia, Charlie and

others have said about this. If my nada offered

anything like that, I'd consider it an invitation to

ultimate GUILT and ultimate OBLIGATION, leading to

ultimate FEAR.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- gmat60 wrote:

>

> >As far as the comments about your husband - or an

> comments against

> > any members of your family - I would not put up

> with it. Regardless

> > of why you are living with her, she does not have

> the right to

> > discredit anyone in your family.

> >

>

> Nurse, I completely agree with Sylvia on all counts

> and especially on

> the quote above. It is time to put an end to the

> verbal abuse of you

> and your husband. You will never rid her of her

> feeling of

> entitlement to do this, but you can make it very

> uncomfortable for her

> to do it. One way suggested in the Porcupine Book

> is to write down

> any criticisms in the presence of the BP person.

> Saying' Just a

> minute I will write down what you are saying. I

> will consider it and

> respond when I decide if it is valid or not.' Then

> walk out of the

> room...end of discussion. At a later time, when she

> is least

> expecting it just explain that her criticism..name

> calling.. nastyness

> etc is unfounded and you reject it. End of

> discussion again. Keeping

> your own cool in these situations will help you to

> feel in control.

> The old patterns you have, whatever they may be,

> haven't brought any

> positive changes. You've got to try something new.

> As you write these

> things down you will see how ludicrous they are and

> she will become

> aware of what she is saying and that you are

> recording it. Also the

> frequency with which it occurs will become evident

> to everyone present.

>

> This walking away from abuse is also a tool.

> Actions speak louder

> than words and if she has no one to yell at,

> criticize and run down

> she will feel silly talking to the walls. Walk

> outside, go for a ride

> or a walk, whatever it takes to withdraw at each

> incident.

>

> These are only stop-gap measures you can use while

> you are still

> living with her. My advice still is to make a plan

> and escape as

> quickly as you can. Your children are learning that

> others do not

> need to respect you and will translate that into the

> idea that they

> also deserve no respect in life. Every day you

> stay, is reinforcing

> this and many other harmful ideas. Even if you have

> to give up some

> of the extras you can do now because of spending

> less money on

> housing, what you gain in self-respect, peace, and

> happiness in

> forming your own little family, free from all this

> chaos will be well

> worth the sacrifice.

>

> As far as what your mother said about sacrificing

> the house and

> threatening you that she will leave and leave you

> with the bills, it

> IS pure manipulation. You need to get to a spot

> where it can't be a

> threat to you. As long as you are dependent on

> staying there, she

> will feel entitled and continue the threats/abuse.

> Don't expect her

> to be happy when you start demanding some respect.

> She won't be.

>

> Make a plan. Start it one step at a time and keep

> posting. You will

> have our support. Dee

>

__________________________________________

Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

Just $16.99/mo. or less.

dsl.yahoo.com

January 5, 2006

Whenever Headjob offered anything, I learned to refuse because she would

be guaranteed to use it against me, continuously, behind my back and/or

in front of my face, until the day she died. She offers the threat of

being martyrofthecentury (Woe is me, how my kiddies abused me, what does

that say about me? You might notice a common thread there)...

She's not self-centred. She's self-obsessed.

> Hi All,

>

> I agree with everything Dee, Sylvia, Charlie and

> others have said about this. If my nada offered

> anything like that, I'd consider it an invitation to

> ultimate GUILT and ultimate OBLIGATION, leading to

> ultimate FEAR.

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

> --- gmat60 wrote:

>

> >

> > >As far as the comments about your husband - or an

> > comments against

> > > any members of your family - I would not put up

> > with it. Regardless

> > > of why you are living with her, she does not have

> > the right to

> > > discredit anyone in your family.

> > >

> >

> > Nurse, I completely agree with Sylvia on all counts

> > and especially on

> > the quote above. It is time to put an end to the

> > verbal abuse of you

> > and your husband. You will never rid her of her

> > feeling of

> > entitlement to do this, but you can make it very

> > uncomfortable for her

> > to do it. One way suggested in the Porcupine Book

> > is to write down

> > any criticisms in the presence of the BP person.

> > Saying' Just a

> > minute I will write down what you are saying. I

> > will consider it and

> > respond when I decide if it is valid or not.' Then

> > walk out of the

> > room...end of discussion. At a later time, when she

> > is least

> > expecting it just explain that her criticism..name

> > calling.. nastyness

> > etc is unfounded and you reject it. End of

> > discussion again. Keeping

> > your own cool in these situations will help you to

> > feel in control.

> > The old patterns you have, whatever they may be,

> > haven't brought any

> > positive changes. You've got to try something new.

> > As you write these

> > things down you will see how ludicrous they are and

> > she will become

> > aware of what she is saying and that you are

> > recording it. Also the

> > frequency with which it occurs will become evident

> > to everyone present.

> >

> > This walking away from abuse is also a tool.

> > Actions speak louder

> > than words and if she has no one to yell at,

> > criticize and run down

> > she will feel silly talking to the walls. Walk

> > outside, go for a ride

> > or a walk, whatever it takes to withdraw at each

> > incident.

> >

> > These are only stop-gap measures you can use while

> > you are still

> > living with her. My advice still is to make a plan

> > and escape as

> > quickly as you can. Your children are learning that

> > others do not

> > need to respect you and will translate that into the

> > idea that they

> > also deserve no respect in life. Every day you

> > stay, is reinforcing

> > this and many other harmful ideas. Even if you have

> > to give up some

> > of the extras you can do now because of spending

> > less money on

> > housing, what you gain in self-respect, peace, and

> > happiness in

> > forming your own little family, free from all this

> > chaos will be well

> > worth the sacrifice.

> >

> > As far as what your mother said about sacrificing

> > the house and

> > threatening you that she will leave and leave you

> > with the bills, it

> > IS pure manipulation. You need to get to a spot

> > where it can't be a

> > threat to you. As long as you are dependent on

> > staying there, she

> > will feel entitled and continue the threats/abuse.

> > Don't expect her

> > to be happy when you start demanding some respect.

> > She won't be.

> >

> > Make a plan. Start it one step at a time and keep

> > posting. You will

> > have our support. Dee

> >

>

> __________________________________________

> Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> dsl.yahoo.com

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

>

January 5, 2006

All good suggestions, thanks.... I never thought of the writing down

of her vrebal abuse, thats a good idea. But, sometimes, what I think,

is a good idea,to me anyway, is just to " ride her out " and not

respond, or respond as little as I can, at least while we are still

here. As per the other suggestion, like taking a ride, a walk, what I

found mostly is that

when I came back, the door was usually bolted from the inside, and it

was a fight to get back in. Plus, if I were to leave every time she

started, I would never be able to do anything, as i would always be

escaping. And she will " yell at the walls " .....when shes alone, she

will yell out loud (as per neighbors), or just sit and brood, and when

we return , ther will be a whole slew of " let me tell you somethings "

and her " feelings " about something I or husb " said " to her, and it

will start again. I just feel so helpless in trying to reshape her

behavior, it seems whatever I do she will twist and throw back up to

my face. She likes to ridicule and belittle. Like " you think your so

smart with your psych classes (in nursing school) , but I got it all

over you, you can shove those books up your ass, because you know

nothing about the world " and things like that....Anyways, it just seems

like a LOSING battle, and it seems like, barring a miracle, it will be

months b4 we can think about moving........

> >

>

> __________________________________________

> Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> dsl.yahoo.com

>

January 5, 2006

>She's not self-centred. She's self-obsessed.

That term you coined or used 'self-obsessed' fits my mom to a tee.

She just can't get out of her own head and her own obsession with her

health, her hurts, her angers, her misery. Trouble is, she wants us

all to join her there. I guess in a nutshell that's exactly what I

won't do anymore. I won't join her there. Still it's trying to be

around her. Dee

January 5, 2006

Hey ,

Your nada's `self-obsessed, not self-centered.'

That'a a good one.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- Hutton wrote:

> Whenever Headjob offered anything, I learned to

> refuse because she would

> be guaranteed to use it against me, continuously,

> behind my back and/or

> in front of my face, until the day she died. She

> offers the threat of

> being martyrofthecentury (Woe is me, how my kiddies

> abused me, what does

> that say about me? You might notice a common thread

> there)...

> She's not self-centred. She's self-obsessed.

>

> On Thu, 2006-01-05 at 00:17 -0800, Recovering Non-BP

> wrote:

> > Hi All,

> >

> > I agree with everything Dee, Sylvia, Charlie and

> > others have said about this. If my nada offered

> > anything like that, I'd consider it an invitation

> to

> > ultimate GUILT and ultimate OBLIGATION, leading to

> > ultimate FEAR.

> >

> > One Non-BP Recovering Man

> >

> > --- gmat60 wrote:

> >

> > >

> > > >As far as the comments about your husband - or

> an

> > > comments against

> > > > any members of your family - I would not put

> up

> > > with it. Regardless

> > > > of why you are living with her, she does not

> have

> > > the right to

> > > > discredit anyone in your family.

> > > >

> > >

> > > Nurse, I completely agree with Sylvia on all

> counts

> > > and especially on

> > > the quote above. It is time to put an end to

> the

> > > verbal abuse of you

> > > and your husband. You will never rid her of her

> > > feeling of

> > > entitlement to do this, but you can make it very

> > > uncomfortable for her

> > > to do it. One way suggested in the Porcupine

> Book

> > > is to write down

> > > any criticisms in the presence of the BP person.

>

> > > Saying' Just a

> > > minute I will write down what you are saying. I

> > > will consider it and

> > > respond when I decide if it is valid or not.'

> Then

> > > walk out of the

> > > room...end of discussion. At a later time, when

> she

> > > is least

> > > expecting it just explain that her

> criticism..name

> > > calling.. nastyness

> > > etc is unfounded and you reject it. End of

> > > discussion again. Keeping

> > > your own cool in these situations will help you

> to

> > > feel in control.

> > > The old patterns you have, whatever they may be,

> > > haven't brought any

> > > positive changes. You've got to try something

> new.

> > > As you write these

> > > things down you will see how ludicrous they are

> and

> > > she will become

> > > aware of what she is saying and that you are

> > > recording it. Also the

> > > frequency with which it occurs will become

> evident

> > > to everyone present.

> > >

> > > This walking away from abuse is also a tool.

> > > Actions speak louder

> > > than words and if she has no one to yell at,

> > > criticize and run down

> > > she will feel silly talking to the walls. Walk

> > > outside, go for a ride

> > > or a walk, whatever it takes to withdraw at each

> > > incident.

> > >

> > > These are only stop-gap measures you can use

> while

> > > you are still

> > > living with her. My advice still is to make a

> plan

> > > and escape as

> > > quickly as you can. Your children are learning

> that

> > > others do not

> > > need to respect you and will translate that into

> the

> > > idea that they

> > > also deserve no respect in life. Every day you

> > > stay, is reinforcing

> > > this and many other harmful ideas. Even if you

> have

> > > to give up some

> > > of the extras you can do now because of spending

> > > less money on

> > > housing, what you gain in self-respect, peace,

> and

> > > happiness in

> > > forming your own little family, free from all

> this

> > > chaos will be well

> > > worth the sacrifice.

> > >

> > > As far as what your mother said about

> sacrificing

> > > the house and

> > > threatening you that she will leave and leave

> you

> > > with the bills, it

> > > IS pure manipulation. You need to get to a spot

> > > where it can't be a

> > > threat to you. As long as you are dependent on

> > > staying there, she

> > > will feel entitled and continue the

> threats/abuse.

> > > Don't expect her

> > > to be happy when you start demanding some

> respect.

> > > She won't be.

> > >

> > > Make a plan. Start it one step at a time and

> keep

> > > posting. You will

> > > have our support. Dee

> > >

> >

> > __________________________________________

> > Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> > Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> > dsl.yahoo.com

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

> help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT

> CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, "

> call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We

> also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother”

> (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome

> to the WTO community!

> >

> > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online

> Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

January 5, 2006

With reagards to your son moving with Nada, this brings up an

important pointer here I think; always ask for clarification when

your Nada is invloved. She of course was totally in the wrong by

speaking to your 8 yr old son in the first place. (BPD strikes

again)!

The house issue is a complete Red Herring - there is no way she will

ever follow through and even if she did, as Theresa wrote there

would be huge strings (chains actually) attached. You would also

never hear the end of how she made such a magnificent sacrifice for

you. You would be forever in her debt.

Sheila

>

> As I mentioned b4, me and my husb and 4 kids live in nadas house.

> Well,we had a recent " blowout " of predictable proportions, and her

> threat is as follows, mind you, a threat, mixed with an act of

> sainthood: You shouldnt have to leave with 2 kids, the kids are

> settled here with school and their friends, so, I will move out of

my

> own house, and you take over all of the bills "

> Now, this at first thought makes me want to jump for joy.......

> But, she seasons it with: " Thats the only way you'll have a house

of

> your own, you'll never have anything good with that no good

husband of

> yours " (the husb who is very gainfully employed for the past 8

years,

> we are in her house because.. well... thats another thread) AND my

son

> comes up and asks me if " he can go with nanny next week, she just

> asked him " I tell him yes, figuring its the movies or something,

then

> I find out it is really to move to arizona with her!!!!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!!

> How do I deal with this!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

January 5, 2006

>

> With reagards to your son moving with Nada, this brings up an

> important pointer here I think; always ask for clarification when

> your Nada is invloved. She of course was totally in the wrong by

> speaking to your 8 yr old son in the first place. (BPD strikes

> again)!

> The house issue is a complete Red Herring - there is no way she will

> ever follow through and even if she did, as Theresa wrote there

> would be huge strings (chains actually) attached. You would also

> never hear the end of how she made such a magnificent sacrifice for

>

Sheila, I agree about the chains, as with everything else I allow nada

to do for me, it comes with huge consequences. I was actually getting

a lil excited, because although she has made this " threat " before,

somehow I thought she was serious, as she has a friend moving to

arizona, that she could latch onto....she still claims she is, but

even if she is serious my husb wont allow me to stay here (*thank

god)..we are

planning as we speak to move out, even if we must rent for a while.

Oh, and by the way MY SON IS NOT 8, HE IS 4!!!!! Isnt that sick??????

How do these people NOT know they are out of line, even in the most

basic way?????

(still looking forward to TRUE NC)

January 5, 2006

I can tell ya' that when I moved out of nada's house with my dd, my dd was

13 at the time, and we had put up with wwwwaaaaaaaayy too much of nada crap;

I really should have moved out a lot sooner but was too chicken to try

it. When we did move, we took what we either really wanted or had to

have. We left a lot behind just to be able to get the hell outta there. I

had to sneak moving at night even, while nada was asleep, b/c I got tired of

her harrassing me while I was moving and calling me a b**ch and a slut ,

etc. Then she went and told her friends how mean I was to move out right

after her mother had just died. What her friends don't know is that I had

actually bought the house before nada's mother died, having even no clue

that nada's mother was going to die, then I actually waited a WHOLE freakin'

MONTH after grandnada died before I actually moved out. Similar to the

window breaking story. Over a year ago nada broke my house windows b/c I

would not answer the phone or door, and I called the police on her. She

went and told her croonies that b/c she accidentally broke my windows while

knocking on it that I called the police.

Anyway, lots of people find that their nadas pratically flip when they move

out, so for me anyway, it got to the point that I did not care what I owned

that was in nada's house - I would rather leave it there and get out as fast

as I could

Theresa

>

> >

> > With reagards to your son moving with Nada, this brings up an

> > important pointer here I think; always ask for clarification when

> > your Nada is invloved. She of course was totally in the wrong by

> > speaking to your 8 yr old son in the first place. (BPD strikes

> > again)!

> > The house issue is a complete Red Herring - there is no way she will

> > ever follow through and even if she did, as Theresa wrote there

> > would be huge strings (chains actually) attached. You would also

> > never hear the end of how she made such a magnificent sacrifice for

>

> >

> Sheila, I agree about the chains, as with everything else I allow nada

> to do for me, it comes with huge consequences. I was actually getting

> a lil excited, because although she has made this " threat " before,

> somehow I thought she was serious, as she has a friend moving to

> arizona, that she could latch onto....she still claims she is, but

> even if she is serious my husb wont allow me to stay here (*thank

> god)..we are

> planning as we speak to move out, even if we must rent for a while.

> Oh, and by the way MY SON IS NOT 8, HE IS 4!!!!! Isnt that sick??????

> How do these people NOT know they are out of line, even in the most

> basic way?????

> (still looking forward to TRUE NC)

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

>

January 5, 2006

That your nada asked your son to live with her is so creepy. It reminds me of

so many things

I've been through. I am always amazed by just how creepy BPD parents can be!

What next?

By the way, have you had a chat with your son to give him some reality about

this?

January 5, 2006

>I just feel so helpless in trying to reshape her

>behavior, it seems whatever I do she will twist and throw back up to

>my face. She likes to ridicule and belittle. Like " you think your so

>smart with your psych classes (in nursing school) , but I got it all

>over you, you can shove those books up your ass, because you know

>nothing about the world " and things like that....Anyways, it just seems

>like a LOSING battle, and it seems like, barring a miracle, it will be

>months b4 we can think about moving........

It is a helpless feeling and a hopeless endeavor to try to reshape HER

behavior. You will never change her at all. I was talking about

changes in how YOU respond to her. It is the beginning of setting

boundaries...about not allowing her to walk all over you...about

handling things differently. This will be noticed by her. But

rememember, your goal is not to change her, but to change you. You

have had to become somewhat of a doormat for her to feel so free.

Your own self-esteem has to be suffering. Start just one little thing

at a time to change how you respond and what you believe about what

you should and will tolerate. Dee

January 5, 2006

Nurse,

I agree with Dee's suggestion here. Just start with one little

change. She will notice, you will probably have to work at

maintaining the boundary - but through that work you will gain the

strength to do even more!

I think it is great that you and hubby are talking and working on

moving. You are right, even if you do rent, it will be a much

better environment than where you and your family is right now. You

will really be amazed at how much better it will be.

Sylvia

> >I just feel so helpless in trying to reshape her

> >behavior, it seems whatever I do she will twist and throw back up

to

> >my face. She likes to ridicule and belittle. Like " you think your

so

> >smart with your psych classes (in nursing school) , but I got it

all

> >over you, you can shove those books up your ass, because you know

> >nothing about the world " and things like that....Anyways, it just

seems

> >like a LOSING battle, and it seems like, barring a miracle, it

will be

> >months b4 we can think about moving........

>

> It is a helpless feeling and a hopeless endeavor to try to reshape

HER

> behavior. You will never change her at all. I was talking about

> changes in how YOU respond to her. It is the beginning of setting

> boundaries...about not allowing her to walk all over you...about

> handling things differently. This will be noticed by her. But

> rememember, your goal is not to change her, but to change you. You

> have had to become somewhat of a doormat for her to feel so free.

> Your own self-esteem has to be suffering. Start just one little

thing

> at a time to change how you respond and what you believe about what

> you should and will tolerate. Dee

>

January 5, 2006

I never thought about this as creepy before - this insight is

helpful. My nada would often ask her grandchildren - at all

different stages of their childhoods - if they wanted to come and

live with her. She was often into magical thinking of finishing off

the basement or the attic so that one of her grandchildren would

have this wonderful space to live in (to her obviously more

wonderful that what the parents were already providing).

I just dismissed it as more of her manipulation and attention

seeking. I also thought it was her way to try to assure herself

that she was loved by th grandchild. Regardless of why she was doing

it, it is creepy for a grandparent to try to take a child away from

his/her parents.

Sylvia

P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now saying " I was only

teasing! "

>

> That your nada asked your son to live with her is so creepy. It

reminds me of so many things

> I've been through. I am always amazed by just how creepy BPD

parents can be! What next?

> By the way, have you had a chat with your son to give him some

reality about this?

>

January 5, 2006

Sylvia,

I would take it a step further. To me, it sounds like

a form of emotional KIDnapping.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- smhtrain2 wrote:

> I never thought about this as creepy before - this

> insight is

> helpful. My nada would often ask her grandchildren

> - at all

> different stages of their childhoods - if they

> wanted to come and

> live with her. She was often into magical thinking

> of finishing off

> the basement or the attic so that one of her

> grandchildren would

> have this wonderful space to live in (to her

> obviously more

> wonderful that what the parents were already

> providing).

>

> I just dismissed it as more of her manipulation and

> attention

> seeking. I also thought it was her way to try to

> assure herself

> that she was loved by th grandchild. Regardless of

> why she was doing

> it, it is creepy for a grandparent to try to take a

> child away from

> his/her parents.

>

> Sylvia

>

> P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now

> saying " I was only

> teasing! "

>

> >

> > That your nada asked your son to live with her is

> so creepy. It

> reminds me of so many things

> > I've been through. I am always amazed by just how

> creepy BPD

> parents can be! What next?

> > By the way, have you had a chat with your son to

> give him some

> reality about this?

> >

>

__________________________________________

Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

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January 6, 2006

Sylvia, you wrote:

> P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now saying " I was only

> teasing! "

--in reference to asking her grandchildren if they'd want to come live with her.

I can hear my

nada saying, " I never said that, you have a strange way of remembering things! "

Trish

January 6, 2006

Haha! My nada would say, " I did not say that!! You must be paranoid! "

Theresa

>

> Sylvia, you wrote:

>

> > P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now saying " I was only

> > teasing! "

>

> --in reference to asking her grandchildren if they'd want to come live

> with her. I can hear my

> nada saying, " I never said that, you have a strange way of remembering

> things! "

>

> Trish

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

>

January 7, 2006

Mine would have said, " I did not say such a thing, how unhappy the

poor child must be with you that they want to run away with me! "

> >

> > > P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now saying " I was only

> > > teasing! "

> >

> > --in reference to asking her grandchildren if they'd want to come live

> > with her. I can hear my

> > nada saying, " I never said that, you have a strange way of remembering

> > things! "

> >

> > Trish

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > @B... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> > ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> > () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

Borderline

> > Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth)

which you can

> > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> > and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

January 7, 2006

> > >

> > > > P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now saying " I was

only

> > > > teasing! "

> > >

> > > --in reference to asking her grandchildren if they'd want to

come live

> > > with her. I can hear my

> > > nada saying, " I never said that, you have a strange way of

remembering

> > > things! "

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > > @B... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> > > ON THE GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> > > () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the

> Borderline

> > > Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth)

> which you can

> > > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE

> > > and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

January 7, 2006

>

> > P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now saying " I was

only

> > teasing! "

>

> --in reference to asking her grandchildren if they'd want to come

live with her. I can hear my

> nada saying, " I never said that, you have a strange way of

remembering things! "

>

> Trish

>

LOL.... My nada has a good one..... " I never said that, I am going

to start taping our conversations , you are hearing things I never

said " .....Ummmmmmmmm yeah, plz do that...... she'd never deny saying

she wanted one of the kids to live with her, though... she wants

that soooooo bad..... one time, she actually " kidnapped " my 2 yr old,

(at the time) for about 3 hours!!!!!!!! (thats another

thread.........)

January 7, 2006

Trish and All,

Exactly. Comments like that, I believe, are a form of emotional

KIDnapping. Also, my nada would say, " I didn't say that, " " That never

happened, " " You must be dreaming. "

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- nurse_not_today wrote:

>

> >

> > > P.S. Of course, I can hear grandnada right now saying " I was

> only

> > > teasing! "

> >

> > --in reference to asking her grandchildren if they'd want to come

> live with her. I can hear my

> > nada saying, " I never said that, you have a strange way of

> remembering things! "

> >

> > Trish

> >

> LOL.... My nada has a good one..... " I never said that, I am going

> to start taping our conversations , you are hearing things I never

> said " .....Ummmmmmmmm yeah, plz do that...... she'd never deny saying

> she wanted one of the kids to live with her, though... she wants

> that soooooo bad..... one time, she actually " kidnapped " my 2 yr old,

> (at the time) for about 3 hours!!!!!!!! (thats another

> thread.........)

>

__________________________________________

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Re: ULTIMATE SACRIFICE or threat???? lol

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